Congress Passes Sweeping Health Care Reform

By Jack DeLuca, OMG Teh Newz!!!11 White House Correspondent

WASHINGTON- After seemingly interminable debate and months of backroom horse trading, Congressional Democrats and Republicans finally reached a consensus on health care reform yesterday. President Obama is set to sign the bill, which was sent back and forth between various committees a near record number of times, at a rose garden ceremony tomorrow.

Gone from the bill is the ballyhooed public option that would put a government run health insurance plan up against private insurers in the open market. Stringent regulation and oversight of insurance premiums and healthcare costs is also absent from the bill’s final draft, as those provisions proved too contentious for any final consensus. In their place is a regulatory scheme for 'non-profit, private, third party co-insurance cooperatives,' which do not currently exist. In fact, the only large scale change in the bill’s final iteration is a ban on public funding for hospitals and clinics that perform abortions.

“We faced so much uncertainty, so much confusion over the past several months,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D- Cal), “We eventually started to believe that it was more important to pass some kind of legislation, no matter how weak the language, reform, and, enforcement mechanism may be.” Indeed, the final draft of the health care legislation that made it through the bicameral conference committee was only 4 pages long, and two of those pages were intentionally left blank. Several senators were overheard at the final vote discussing the fact that this bill was the first piece of legislation any of them had read cover to cover since Reagan was in office.

“Candidate Obama promised change, but not even he could have anticipated the scale of the paradigmatic shift that President Obama has delivered,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel this week on Face the Nation. In the past, the vast majority of presidents have felt the need to speak out against problems, push for legislation, propose meaningful reform- President Obama has moved beyond all of that.”

Emmanuel went on to explain that the President’s approach to the health care debate is part of a larger policy strategy that has shaped his entire administration. “Sure, policy wonks will praise Obama for not offering any legislation to Congress and letting both houses bicker endlessly over the details before eventually arriving at a compromise that offends no one and runs no risk of failure. When you look back, though, you will notice that President Obama has successfully diffused every issue without making so much as a ripple. When the economy started slumping, instead of offering a comprehensive bailout package to stimulate growth in lagging sectors, he just gave a blank check to some bankers and let them do whatever they wanted. We weathered the storm, let the economy improve on its own, and then claimed that our calm and measured response was the appropriate course of action. The strategy works in foreign policy as well- President Obama’s big change in Afghanistan was to keep doing the exact same thing, but with some artful wording, he was able to parlay that ‘plan’ into a Nobel Peace Prize. The approach of acting through inaction is perfect because we can claim success for everything that goes right, then blame the previous administration when something goes wrong. Look at Iran; they’re still enriching uranium, and we say that it’s because we haven’t engaged them enough. Nobody even knows what that means, so we can take credit if the situation improves and continue shifting the blame if it doesn’t.”

The bill has received the sort of bipartisan support not seen on the Beltway in decades. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D- Nev) did not try to hide his excitement at the press conference held to announce the passage of the bill. “From Roosevelt to Johnson to Clinton, democrats have tried to pass a bill called ‘Health Care Reform.’ But only through my visionary leadership and my cunning idea to include no actual health care reform in the bill of the same name was our great country actually able to achieve the goal. So suck on that, bitches. Now can somebody please give me some money? Everybody finally realized that I’m a fraud, and I’m going to need to pull a Steinbrenner and spend my opponent into submission if I want to get re-elected.”

[Left- The solid form of Santorum poses for his family's 2009 Christmas card.]

On the other side of the aisle, prominent republicans exhibited similar enthusiasm. Former Senator Rick Santorum, who is busy in preparation for a 2012 presidential campaign, said that the bill has made him question his assumptions about the way democrats do business. “When I was in the Senate, we had republican control, and the democrats were always trying to block what we were doing. I thought it was because they were socialists, but I was wrong. It turns out they just didn’t want to do anything. Health care reform that does nothing but ban abortion? That’s a plan that Rick Santorum can get behind,” the candidate told a crowd of confused gay men at an adult bookstore in Boston. The crowd mistakenly gathered in response to a “See Santorum live on stage” flier outside a nightclub and proceeded to sit through one of the most awkward hours since they came out to their grandparents.

“With leadership like that, maybe I will run for president as a democrat instead! My former Pennsylvania colleague Arlen Specter switched last year, and I’m at least as much of an opportunistic douchebag as him!” Santorum added before lighting a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. on fire and goose stepping off of the stage.

With the heath care legislation in the books, the White House has started to prepare for inaction on several new fronts. Next up on the docket is same-sex marriage legislation that is heavy enough in legal doublespeak that it will confuse everyone into no longer talking about the issue.

Hang in there, Tiger

By Chuck Finley

ANAHEIM- Here we go again. Last week, Tiger Woods became perhaps the highest profile male victim of domestic violence in American history, and the pain he must feel is inestimable. Due to the stigma of male domestic violence, the only thing more bruised and swollen than Tiger’s face is his pride, and the Asian part of him must be suffering even more from such shame. As a male domestic violence survivor and former professional athlete myself, I can commiserate with his pain. But I’m here to tell Tiger to stay strong, because there is life for a man after being the victim of domestic violence. I call myself a survivor instead of a victim because it shows that I am strong, I am independent, and I deserve to live my life free from physical abuse from women, just like any other man.

It seems like just yesterday that Rihanna was on the business end of Chris Brown’s fists of fury, but does our society learn anything? Of course it doesn’t. It chooses to continue to ignore the problem of domestic violence, especially against men. Every year, 835,000 American men are victims of domestic violence. That’s almost 40% of the domestic violence that takes place in our country every year. Yet society still blames the victim by insinuating the male domestic violence survivors are somehow lesser men than those who don’t get beat up by women. I am here to tell Tiger that his future is still bright. Now, he has to start from scratch and learn to live again, to laugh again, and to love again.

[RIGHT- That two-timing, backstabbing tramp, my ex-wife. God I miss her.]

Before I move on, I should point out that I don’t know how trustworthy those domestic violence statistics are. They report that 40% of the victims of domestic violence are men, but that includes gay and straight men. Of the gay men, there is no telling what percentage of them are the bottoms in the relationship, which is really more like beating a woman than it is like beating a man if you think about the power dynamics of the situation. Of course, it’s possible that some of the gay victims of domestic violence are tops who were beaten by their more effeminate partners, much like me and Tiger. And that’s not even getting into the discussion of how we classify domestic violence against hermaphrodites, lady boys, transsexuals, or people with Klinefelter’s XXY Syndrome. All I mean is that you should take those statistics with a grain of salt.

The next thing Tiger should do is to go to a drug store and pick up some makeup so people stop asking him how he got the cuts and bruises on his face; it’s not going to help anything to continually revisit that pain. You may be thinking to yourself that a guy who was beaten up by a woman does not need any more feminine habits and should steer clear of makeup, but I have a good reason. I was married to a model for six years, and we have two daughters named Wynter and Raine, so it would be hard for me not to know a thing or two about makeup. Anyway, he should start with some foundation, then cover it up with some concealer. I was able to match my natural skin tone with Sephora’s Sun-Dappled Sand, but I understand that Tiger will have a harder time as he has a very unconventional skin tone. He might want to try the Smoky Mahogany, which is intended for people who are ½ black, ¼ Asian, 1/16 Caucasian, 1/16 Albanian, 1/16 Llama, and 1/16 robot, so it should be a perfect match. After that, top it off with Bare Escentuals bareMineral Tasking Face Powder to give it a natural look, and you will be as good as normal. See, Tawny, I was listening all that time. You didn’t have to beat me! We can still make this work! Why!!!

Deep breaths, deep breaths. You’re worth it. You are a winner. I’m sorry, sometimes I need to remember my mantras because I lapse into battered husband syndrome. I’ll be alright.

The next thing for Tiger to do is to get his career back on track. It is much easier to move on from a tragedy when you have something else on your mind, and there could be no more therapeutic activity for him than getting back on the golf course. It will not be easy to get back to his previous level of success; I went 4-11 for the Indians after I was beaten by my ex-wife, so he has to understand that there will be a time for adjustment. If he expects to come back at 100%, he could experience a crisis of confidence and really struggle. To keep his confidence up, he should compare himself to David Duval, another #1 ranked golfer. No matter how bad things get for Tiger, they won’t be as bad as they were for Duval. He could have a seizure on the course and probably still shoot better than Duval. As long as he stays focused, he should be able to get back to his previous level of success, but he will have to deal with distractions along the way. The White Sox played Whitesnake songs when I pitched to remind me that Tawny was in their music videos, so Tiger can expect to hear Abba music, see Swedish Chef impersonators in the gallery, be conveniently paired with Henrik Stenson by a smart ass tournament organizer, and have Swedish meatballs thrown at him by crazed Phil Mickelson fans.

That reminds me, when is our nation going to say enough is enough to these insane, overly aggressive Scandanavians? First, it was Dolph Lundgren murdering Apollo Creed in Rocky IV, taking steroids, and never facing any punishment for it other than Rocky’s fists of justice. Now, a golf club wielding nanny runs amok in the rich part of Florida and everybody shrugs it off like it happened in the meth-infested backwater part of Florida slightly further north. I’d go so far as to say that Elin was probably on steroids, too. It’s part of their culture over there. It is time to take a stand before these war-mongering monsters to infest our gene pool with their tall, beautiful, athletic genes.

Nonetheless, Tiger did the right thing by pretending that he did not get beat up. When it came out that my wife beat me with a shoe, it prompted a never-ending stream of ridicule. When my daughter took me to school for show and tell, none of the kids asked me about how many batters I struck out or what it was like to play in the All-Star Game. Instead, all I heard was “pussy” this and “girly-man” that. All the boys in the class kept asking the teacher if they could borrow her high heel to try to beat me with it. Luckily, she had the good sense to say no, but it didn’t help that her alternative to letting them hurt me was to encourage them to kick me where my balls used to be instead.

It must be even worse for Tiger, because he was beaten with the tool with which he earns his money. He can never get away from a golf club, and that makes the cut that much deeper. Tiger getting hit with a golf club is like me getting beaten with a baseball bat, Richie Sambora getting beaten with a guitar, or Milton Berle getting beaten with his giant cock. Actually, I heard that type of story about Uncle Milty at Brando’s house from the 70s that included Cheryl Ladd, a startled house cat, and a hot bucket of cheese fondue that resulted in permanent disfigurement for all parties. At least Tiger doesn’t have to live with that nightmare.

If I could leave Tiger with one piece of advice it would be this: remember that things will never get worse than they are right now. Everyone knows that despite your stature, your athletic ability, and your bulging muscles, you got your ass kicked by a woman. At every point from now on, you can look at whatever problem you’re facing and say to yourself, “hey, at least I’m not getting beat up by a girl.” It might not sound like much, but for male victims of domestic violence, it’s all we have.

Nation’s wrongly convicted turkeys prepare for last appeal

By Ronald Berry

WASHINGTON- Each Thanksgiving, one lucky turkey receives a pardon from the President of the United States. This Thanksgiving will be no exception, so the nation’s imprisoned turkeys have hired high-priced attorneys to prepare their final appeals before being stuffed, baked, and ritualistically carved into slabs.

As with any legal proceeding, the Presidential turkey appeal will come down to the legal issues and the emotional reaction evoked by the individual turkeys’ stories. Advisors say that President Obama is especially partial to stories of turkeys who received especially foul treatment from the police, ultimately resulting in being gamed by the justice system.

The practice of choosing only one turkey each year to pardon has been a cause of controversy. In some cases, there may be more than one turkey deserving of a pardon, whether the turkey was wrongly convicted or converted to Islam in turkey prison and wrote children’s books. The Reverend Al Sharpton has complained that the turkey pardoning system suffers from racial imbalance. “The President may not be aware of his mistreatment of the dark meat, and that, my friends, is the root of the problem,” the Rev told supporters at a pardoning rally Tuesday. “All I want is to see one African-American turkey pardoned by the President. I thought that it would all be different with Barack, but even now, we have never had an African-American turkey pardoned by our President!”



Other groups also have problems with the practice of pardoning a turkey every year. For instance, the nation’s pigs staged a protest of the turkey pardons at Farmer Brown’s slop yard, where nearly 200,000 head of cattle showed up to have their oinks heard. The pigs complained of the bad publicity they have received in the past year through the naming of Swine Flu, as well as the preferential treatment of turkeys, even though the Christmas ham is a tradition with nearly as much history. They pointed out that pigs have made many great contributions to society, from the movie Babe to the BLT sandwich to curly tails. The pigs concluded that they face discriminatory treatment from the Jews, who hate them because they do not eat pork, and who secretly control everything.

The pardoning process has faced additional criticism in recent years when it came out that President Bush gave undue privilege to turkeys from his home farm. President Obama has gone to great lengths to give the appearance of impartiality in his turkey pardons by refusing to consider pardons for any turkey that has worked for a lobbying firm in the last five years. Exactly zero turkeys were excluded by this new stipulation.

Whichever turkey President Obama chooses to pardon will undoubtedly be relieved to live through another Thanksgiving. On the other hand, that turkey will not be relieved to find out that it will continue to live in a one-foot square cage with the end of its beak chopped off and its body constantly pumped full of synthetic hormones. The turkey will live through Thanksgiving, but will likely be butchered and packaged into high-sodium deli meat within two months.

Justin Bieber indicted on charges of drug trafficking, murder

By Nia Momopopolous

BUFFALO- Fourteen year old pop sensation Justin Bieber was indicted by a Federal Grand Jury yesterday on fourteen charges of heinous crimes, ranging from witness tampering and torture, to drug trafficking and murder. The Canadian-born teeny bopper’s lawyer said that the government had presented mountains of persuasive evidence, but that he will be interested to see how many of the witnesses dare to testify against his client at trial.

Bieber, who has thus far kept up a squeaky clean public image, has allegedly led a double life: sugary-sweet pop star by day, and sadistic, demented criminal by night. Since his indictment, a flood of stories have washed up describing Bieber’s animalistic tendencies. His reign of terror supposedly began in 2005 when he beheaded his two month old sister with a straightedge razor, and grew to be more heinous over time. Before long, Bieber had laid waste to most of his home province of Ontario, where he created a killing field of every important drug dealer, crime boss, and thug in order to assert his undeniable dominance in the area.



Fritz McKenzie of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police claims that his agency has been aware of Bieber’s malfeasance for years, but has been unable to do anything to curb his law breaking. “We learned aboot Justin in 2006 when he made his power grab in Eastern Ontario. We believe that he murdered at least 17 people that year with his bare hands, which is especially impressive considering that he was 11 years old at the time. The boy is a highly volatile killing machine. Late that year, we sent three of our top Mounties to politely ask him to slow the pace at which he was kidnapping women and young girls into depraved sex slavery, and before they could even voice the request, he had killed all three of them with a single bullet in the driveway, and he left them to bleed out the phrase ‘STAY THE FUCK AWAY’ in perfect script on the pavement. Needless to say, the Mounties did not get their man, and we never went after him a-gain.”

By the following year, Bieber’s activity had carried into Northern New York, and he even had gained a foothold as a heroin trafficker in New York City. Bronx drug dealer and gangster DeAndre Caldwell, recently sentenced to 20 years at Sing Sing, gave a sobering account of Bieber’s sociopathic tendencies. “When El Muerto Blanco- that’s what he made everyone call him- came to New York, he wanted to make an example out of the biggest, toughest guy he could find, so he targeted me,” Caldwell recounted. “After I told him that I ain’t nobody’s bitch, he sodomized me with his head. He shoved his entire head up my ass. And it wasn’t like he did it one time. He installed a computer chip up there so he could record music from inside my rectum. We had a weekly appointment at 8:30 on Wednesdays, and I kept coming back and letting this kid stick his head up my ass as a show of dominance, just because I was afraid of what he would do if I didn’t show up. Think about how fucked up that is- I let him rape me with his face because I was afraid of what he would do if I didn’t let him. I always said that I only fear God and fear my mother. But I learned the hard way to fear Justin Bieber.”

[RIGHT- Bieber flashing a peace sign, a virtue which he has ritualistically eviscerated.]

Perhaps the most disturbing story about Bieber’s descent into the criminal underworld came after he became aware that the FBI was investigating him. Bieber abducted the husband of the secretary of New York’s FBI office, then gouged out his eyes, cut his tongue in half down the middle, cauterized the wounds, the pulled the two strands of his bifurcated tongue out through his empty eye sockets and tied them in a knot. Since he stopped the bleeding, the victim survived, and Bieber kept him alive on an IV drip for 13 days while he stumbled around like a slightly more functional Helen Keller.

There have also been rumors that Bieber’s dominance has stretched around the globe. Certain documents obtained from the CIA indicate that Bieber has purchased enough highly enriched uranium from the Iranian government to make at least three nuclear bombs. While it is unclear as to whether Bieber has the technology to attach these bombs to missiles, the possibility of a suitcase nuke remains terrifying, and his close friendship with Kim Jong-Il raises the question of how long it could be until he would be able to blow up half of the eastern seaboard just to see it burn. When asked about his association with Bieber, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad curled up in the fetal position and began sobbing uncontrollably. Between gasps, he could be heard to say, “Anything but Bieber! Don’t make me revisit that nightmare! I will renounce my faith! Anything, just don’t mention that name!”

At a preliminary hearing, the federal court set bail for Bieber at $250,000, and he was released on bond. He has since rejoined Taylor Swift as the opening act for her Fearless tour in the United Kingdom.

United Nations to hold Global Summit on United Nations Global Summits

By Frederico Vanzetti

THE HAGUE- United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon announced this week that the United Nations will hosts the first ever United Nations Global Summit on United Nations Global Summits in the coming months. The nations of the world will discuss upcoming summits at the Summit and will try to restore order to the increasingly unwieldy Summit industry.

Leaders from the world’s powers will descend on an undetermined world capital to, “remove the anarchy from the global summit process,” according to Moon. The Summit, which will take place from December 12-14 this year, seeks to bring the world together and reach a consensus on the controversial subject of bringing the world together and reaching a consensus.

One of the most important issues of the Summit will be the topic of dealing with protestors at future global summits. From riots against the WTO in Seattle to violent protests at the London G20 convention earlier this year, protestors have plagued global summits for years. While tear gas works well to subdue crowds in certain situations, it backfires in windy conditions, often causing immense pain to the peaceable law enforcement officers who deployed it. Similarly, rubber bullets have succeeded with flying colors at times, but become slippery and unreliable in wet climates. One of the first issues on the agenda at the Global Summit on Global Summits will be a presentation by former United States Vice-President Dick Cheney on the most effective methods to tell those insolent, ungrateful protestors to fuck off. Summit organizers hope to prevent any ugly scenes in the future where the world’s elite have to see human conflict and suffering firsthand.

[RIGHT- The Honorable King of Zamunda arriving at the recent Global Summit on AIDS and the Church.}

The Summit will also address the dicey subject of catering future global summits. While snacks may not seem like the most pressing need for a global summit, there have been many food problems in the past. Finland was in charge of bringing snacks to the UN Global Summit on Women’s Rights, and they showed up with orange slices and celery sticks. Everyone appreciated the gesture toward healthfulness, but was offended at the implication that they were fat, and wanted something a little more substantial. Another food faux pas came at the UN Conference on Racism, where Uganda took its turn to provide food, but clearly didn’t have enough money to buy decent snacks, and showed up with a six-pack of Shasta grape soda and two packs of Ramen. Everybody was embarrassed for Uganda, but they appreciated the effort. As a result, there may be a food-sharing agreement where two countries can work together to split cost and preparation to make sure that everyone is included. Finally, the Summit will lay out some ground rules about acceptable snacks, since Canada brazenly brought brats and pulled pork to 2008’s Global Climate Change Summit as a practical joke on Israel and the Islamic Arab nations, then pretended it didn’t know that those countries don’t eat pork before gorging on delicious pig meat. Until food rules are set out, the conference will serve a fresh crudité with hummus and those delicious bacon-wrapped water chestnuts.

The leaders at the Summit have also placed a high priority determining a formula for the location of future global summits. There has been strong support from a faction that favors tropical climates to make the summits more relaxing and fun for the leaders, but other nations favor the more functional approach of placing summits in cities that have expertise or lead the industry for which the summit is held. Belgium has been vocal in its opposition to holding any more summits in Bangkok, not because they hooked up with a transvestite lady-boy hooker, but because they could totally see how someone could do that by accident. But they seriously didn’t. You know what, never mind- they’re sorry they even brought it up because you guys are so immature to think that Belgium had sex with a Thai transvestite, lady-boy hooker. Seriously, grow up. In any case, unless the Summit is held somewhere in Western Europe, somebody is going to have to give Iceland a ride, because Iceland is totally broke.

While many other hot button issues remain on the table for the world leaders, topics such as racism and human rights will not be directly addressed at the Global Summit on Global Summits. Instead, this Summit will talk about talking about human rights and racism. The organizers of the summit deemed that this arrangement would be acceptable since that’s what happens at all of the other summits anyway.

The planned Summit has not been without controversy, as Libya and Iran have already threatened to boycott. While the reasons behind their potential boycotts are unclear, sources have indicated that their opposition arises out of the fact that they are dicks. Neither country has given a reason for the boycott so far, but they both insist that they will figure something out soon enough to have a flag burning ceremony to commemorate their protests.

Near the end of the convention, there will be an open forum for individual countries to voice their concerns about upcoming global summits. Reliable sources indicate that Russia may propose a randomized seating arrangement so as not to sit by Rwanda, because Rwanda smells like Kool Menthols and too much aftershave. There is also a rumor that the Netherlands will ask for a volume knob on the translator headsets so they don’t look like assholes when they stop listening every time Mongolia comes to the podium.

If the Summit is successful, the UN may set up a permanent Council on Global Summits, which will function much like a high-end party planner. Early speculation about candidates for the prestigious Undersecretary of Global Summits has included A-List names like Khloe Kardashian, Diddy, and the girl on that one episode of Super Sweet 16 who hired an army of belly dancers.

Pope Benedict XVI is due to address the Summit during the opening ceremony, for the first time at a Global Summit, since he views the subject matter of the Summit as vital to the interests of the Vatican.

A Snapshot of Senator Dodd’s Finance Industry Reform Bill

By Mitchell Relaford

WASHINGTON- Senator Christopher Dodd, a democrat from Connecticut, proposed his long-awaited finance industry reform bill this week. Weighing in at 1,132 pages, the bill is sure to overwhelm laymen and policy wonks alike. So just in case the vast majority of the Senate is too busy raising money for their next campaigns, here is a quick rundown of some of the bill’s most controversial provisions.


-> In a high disputed move, the financial industry will be held “accountable” from now on. The bill’s definition section explains that by holding the industry “accountable,” they mean that “whenever the financial industry screws up, we will pay them huge sums of money so they don’t have to feel embarrassed. Whenever the financial industry falls ass backwards into profits, we will proclaim that they are the foundation of the free market and give them even more money.”


-> From now on, the Champagne Room at Cheetah Girls is strictly off limits for shareholder meetings. Instead, public money will be made available to book Misty and Sierra for private parties.

[LEFT- A photo of Bank of America Chairman William Stotts leaving a Congressional Hearing on the future of the financial industry.]

-> A briefcase containing $2 million in unmarked, nonconsecutive twenty dollar bills.


-> Over his persistent protestations, former Wachovia CEO Jim McBriar will be thrown into the McBriar patch. His punishment will be overseen by McBriar Fox and McBriar Bear. Zipadeedoodah!


-> Certain commodity exchanges will face more stringent regulation. Nonexistent entities like broadband futures, home loan derivatives, and short-sold foreign debt will still be on the table, but there will be harsh new regulations on the sales of Unicorns, Leprechauns, and Gumdrop Rainbows.

-> As a concession to Senate Republicans, abortion will now be illegal. Instead, doctors will now be able to perform a "magical invisible baby" procedure.


-> The bill establishes a new Banking Czar, a Congressional Chairman for Banking Oversight, an Executive Department of Finance Administration, a Federal Liaison to the Securities and Exchange Commission, a Deputy Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Financial Administration, a Federal Board of Financial Ethics to be comprised of a majority of non-bankers and non-lobbyists, and an Advisor for the Strategic Development of Responsible Investment, all of whom will do jack shit.


-> From now on, the American financial industry will be outsourced to China.

NFL Week 9 Preview- Around the League

By Jeremy Eggers

NEW YORK- We have reached the mid-point of the 2009 NFL season, and it has become clear that this is a year of have’s and have not’s in pro football. With several marquee matchups on the slate for this weekend, let’s take a trip around the league to look at the headlines heading into Sunday.

-Roy Williams takes responsibility for his own inability to run any of the routes in the Cowboys’ offense.

A season ago, the Cowboys mortgaged their future to trade for Roy Williams from the rebuilding Detroit Lions. America’s team gave up two future first round picks and inked Williams to a big money contract extension that can only be described as a flop so far. Through 16 games with the Cowboys, Williams has only 3 touchdowns, and has failed to accumulate the type of yardage that would make him a viable replacement for the departed Terrell Owens.

"He gets the ball thrown correctly his way," Williams said of breakout star Miles Austin. "I'm stretching and falling and doing everything. Everybody [else] who's been here's balls are there. Our footballs [from Romo to Williams] are everywhere right now."

[RIGHT- Williams failing to catch a pass after cutting five yards too early.]

Williams’ point is a very self-aware commentary on his inability to gel with Romo. He has been far from the norm in Dallas, as every other receiver the Cowboys have lined up next to Romo has lived up to or exceeded expectations, from Owens to Terry Glenn to Jason Witten to Patrick Crayton to Anthony Fasano to Austin. Obviously, Williams is completely incapable of playing in the Dallas offense, because every other receiver that has lined up in that offense has found success. In Detroit, Williams was asked to run in a straight line and see if the ball fell into his arms. In Dallas, he has had to run hitches, slants, and do more blocking that he ever imagined.

It would be immature for Wiliams to focus direct the fault to others, but it’s nice to see an NFL wide receiver taking the blame for something that has gone wrong. The opposite mindset would take the team’s attention away from their upcoming NFC East showdown with the Philadelphia Eagles, and I know Williams wouldn’t be so selfish as to jeopardize his team’s chances in such a big game. If Williams does become a distraction, at least Cowboys fans can rest assured that team owner Jerry Jones won’t put up with the prima donna attitude- Jones is a straight shooter who puts the team’s success ahead of headlines every time.

-The Raiders’ season is progressing exactly in accordance with Al Davis’ demented, senile plan.

Off the field, the Oakland Raiders have suffered through constant distractions from head coach Tom Cable, who allegedly punched one of his assistants in the face. More recently, Cable has had to deflect multiple other allegations of abuse from women he used to date. Meanwhile, the team has been persistently unprepared and poorly coached. On the field, the Raiders personnel department has to be a little ashamed of the fact that their last three first round picks are a quarterback with a QB rating of 48, a running back who averages three yards per carry in the rare week that he is healthy enough to play, and a wide receiver who averages less than a catch per game.

Is Raiders owner Al Davis concerned? Of course not, he’s a senile old man, and the team’s disorder echoes his own mandate of total entropy. We ought to have had some inclination that the Raiders had returned to the state of nature when they chased former coach John Gruden out of town after he went to the Super Bowl. Since then, they have been turned down by more coaching candidates than a pimply, autistic 16 year-old trying to get a date to prom. Former players have described the team as a train wreck and totally chaotic. If you fall below the level of expected decorum of a pro football player, something has gone horribly awry.

I hear that things will get worse before they get better. Rumor has it that Davis’ plans for next year include changing the team’s uniforms from mesh to velour, playing two pre-season games on the sands of Venice Beach, and replacing the black hole cheering section in the Oakland Coliseum with an actual black hole. Luckily, even a black hole couldn't suck any harder than these Raiders.

-The entire Cleveland Browns team has been suffering from swine flu for the last eight weeks.

I have not consulted and doctors or medical experts on the subject, but I see no other explanation for how the Browns could have crapped out the season that they have so far. At 1-7, the Browns are not the owners of the league’s worst record- that distinction belongs to the 0-7 Buccaneers. Nonetheless, the Browns have played and acted like a group of people in so much discomfort that they have become delusional and irrational. In 4 of their 8 games, the Browns’ leading passer has accumulated less than 100 total yards. Their one win was a 6-3 victory over the similarly hapless Buffalo Bills. They have lost their last two games by a combined score of 61-9. This week, they fired their general manager, who they hired last offseason. Their head coach, Eric Mangini, fined a player hundreds of dollars for breaking team rules and drinking a bottle of water from a hotel mini-bar. Cleveland fans have become so distraught that a local radio host segued out of the Browns’ news by saying, “the Browns have a bye this week. Thank God.” Advertisers in the stadium have asked that their ads be taken down so their products will not be associated with such a failure. I don’t think mere human incompetence is capable of creating such a disaster; this franchise is truly sick.

-Priest Holmes is the anonymous “Chiefs fan” who started the petition to deactivate Larry Johnson.

You have probably heard by now that fans of the Kansas City Chiefs submitted a petition to general manager Scott Pioli to deactivate running back Larry Johnson rather than letting him return from his suspension to break the team’s rushing record. Johnson proffered a much publicized criticism of first-year head coach Todd Haley after a recent loss, and he earned himself a suspension and a reprimand for his use of homophobic language.

What you probably don’t know is that the Chiefs fan who started the petition’s circulation is former running back Priest Holmes, who holds the team rushing record by a scant 74 yards over the Johnson. “Come on, man, let me have just this one,” Holmes said on his website, “I backed up Ricky Williams at Texas, I was a backup for the Ravens for my physical prime, I had so many concussions that I had to retire way too early, and Ladanian Tomlinson did everything I did better right after I retired, so nobody remembers who I am. At least let me be the most recognizable Chiefs running back since Christian Okoye.”

-Injury update: Reid expects Westbrook to be on the field for the first three plays against Dallas

[LOWER LEFT- The closest thing that exists to an action shot of Brian Westbrook.]

While Dallas deals with internal conflict heading into their showdown with the Eagles, Philadelphia has problems of their own. Star running back Brian Westbrook was injured in last Sunday’s blowout win against the New York Giants, and speculation has swirled about his status going into this week’s matchup. The oft-injured Westbrook has made progress over the last week and appears to be fully recovered from his concussion. Coach Andry Reid said he expects Westbrook to start this Sunday against Dallas, and play at least two plays, maybe three before rolling his ankle, sitting out the rest of the first half, coming out for the start of the second half, hurting the team by trying to play through pain, and eventually being listed as questionable with a sprained ankle for the next five weeks. The prognosis will be positive enough for fantasy teams to start Westbrook, but not positive enough for him to actually help those teams win.

-Jack Del Rio’s mother is extremely upset that the Jaguars game will be blacked out.

There’s no denying that the NFL has struggled to establish a market in Jacksonville. Even though there would seem to be plenty of people in northern Florida to support a professional team, it has proven too difficult to lure men out of Jacksonville’s thousands of strip clubs on Sunday afternoons to sell out their Jaguars home stadium.

For all of the franchise’s struggles, they still have at least one die-hard fan- Olivia Del Rio, mother of Jags coach Jack Del Rio. Olivia is very disappointed that the failure to sell out the stadium will result in the Jags fourth blackout of the year, which will prevent her from seeing her son’s game. Some may say that the NFL need not revisit its blackout policy to serve one old lady, but Olivia’s dedication is unquestionable. Of the four Jags games that have been televised in her home market, Olivia has watched two of the four from start to finish. The other two were utterly unwatchable.

Ask Miley: Songwriting

By Miley Cyrus

Hi y’all. You know, I get so many letters from fans asking me for advice that sometimes I can’t respond to every letter. And that really makes me sad, because I love my fans more than anything else in the world, and I want to be able to help them with whatever problems they have. That’s why I was so excited when this great newspaper, OMG Teh Newz, offered to let me write an advice column where I answer some of the questions that I get from my fans so everybody can see them. So if you’re a Miley fan and you want to learn something about me, or if you just need some advice on a tricky problem in your life, send me a letter and maybe it will get published in the next Ask Miley!

Q: Miley, I love your music. How do you write such great songs?
-Petr, Johannesburg, South Africa

Miley: Wow, I didn’t know I had fans all the way in South Africa! Thanks for the great question, Petr. People ask me all the time about how I have such creative and fun ideas for songs, so I thought it would be a great idea to start out my new column by answering this question.

I heard that people used to have a lot of trouble writing songs. My dad told me that it took him almost 2 hours to write Achy Breaky Heart, and that seems like eternity to me, but I’ve even heard that people used to spend a whole day on one song! Can you imagine that? I don’t know where they got the time to spend a whole day on one song- how did they make time for TV tapings, photo shoots, MTV guest appearances, and movie pitches? I heard about this one old band The Beetles who all had the same haircut. No wonder they spent so much time writing songs, they didn’t even go to hair and makeup before their talk show appearances!

Luckily, I’m creative enough that I don’t have to spend so much time to write a song. But that doesn’t mean that it’s been easy learning how to write great rock ’n’ roll songs; I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about pop songs and listening to the radio. And if you look at a lot of the really popular songs, they have a lot of the same elements in them, so it’s not hard to figure out what works, then put it in your song.

The first thing you need in any good song is a beat. You want to be able to dance to the song, but you also want people to be able to recognize it as soon as it comes on the radio or at the club. The best way to do that is to take a famous old song, and add a bass line or synthesizer that makes it better for dancing. Will Smith is really good at this- he used that Forget Me Not song in Men in Black, and he used that Stevie Wonder song in Just the Two of Us. That’s what makes him such a great musician. More recently, Gym Class Heroes did that Take a Look at My Girlfriend Song, and there was the Flo Rida remake of You Spin Me Right Round. The best song I’ve ever heard at taking an old song and improving it was All Summer Long by Kid Rock, because he took not one, but two old songs- Werewolves of London for the beat and Sweet Home Alabama for the hook- and got fans of two different bands to listen to his new, great song!

So when I started brainstorming a song to make into my new song, I tuned into an oldies radio station, and the first song I heard was that Ooh Child song, but then somebody told me that they used that in a rap song by somebody called TwoPack. Then I heard that song that goes, “Tempted by the fruit of another,” and I thought that if we sped it up and gave it a good bass line, it would make a great pop song. So I called up my lawyer and he checked with the singer, some band named Squeeze. Apparently, they don’t mind me using it as long as they get their royalty check (what are the odds on that one?), so that will be the beat to my new song!

[RIGHT- The key to being popular is to look both wholesome...]

Next, you need to come up with a good hook that will get people interested. I have found that a good way to get people interested is by listing places, and hopefully getting a place that they live or like to visit. Again, Will Smith is really good at this skill- remember his smash hit Miami? He really broke new ground with that piece of high art. Everybody likes Miami, and he just reminded them of what they like about it the most. This year, Katy Perry, who really has a promising career as a songwriter because her music speaks to people on a truly meaningful level, wrote the song Waking Up in Vegas, which always reminds people of how much fun they have in Vegas. I even tried this theory on my last song Party in the U.S.A., which I think is the best song I have written so far. But that location might have been a little too general, so I’m going to try to be more specific this time.

So I started thinking about places that people like to visit. I hear that people like London, but it’s very rainy there, so I don’t think it’s happy enough. New Orleans is happier, but they just had that hurricane, so maybe it’s a little too depressing to do a song about them right now. Jay Z just made a song about New York, so I don’t want to steal his idea so soon. Then I thought of the perfect idea: Paris! Paris is beautiful, and nobody has made a song about it in years. What do I know about Paris… It’s the City of Lights, they have great history, great food, and great shopping. So I put it all together and came up with “Everything I’d ever want, Paris you’re the one/ City of these magic lights, Paris turn me on.” It’s perfect!

I know it doesn’t exactly rhyme, but Waking up in Vegas has the line, “Come on and put your money where your mouth is, that’s what you get for waking up in Vegas,” and that song was extremely popular. Not only does Vegas not rhyme with is, but the lyrics don’t make any sense. Putting your money where your mouth is means betting on something or buying something after you have talked it up. That has absolutely nothing to do with waking up in Vegas. Go ahead, try to explain the relationship. I guarantee you will sound like an idiot trying to justify it. But when you’re that abstract, vague, and nonsensical, everybody can come up with their one meaning for the song, which is why Katy is such a good writer.

Now we need to come up with a verse. People used to write songs with two or three verses, but I don’t know why. You can just make one verse and sing it three times, and it’s just as good. Usually, a good song combines instructions for dancing with lyrics that are appropriately suggestive. When I say appropriately suggestive, I mean that you want the listener to be vaguely reminded of sex and associate you with sex, but not so sexual that they’re reminded that I’m 16 years old. Then they feel guilty about being pedophiles and stop listening to you. A good example of appropriately suggestive is in my song See You Again. I have lyrics like, “I felt this deep connection when you looked in my eyes,” and “The next time we hang out, I will redeem myself.” Then in my newer song, I say “Noddin’ my head like yeah, shakin’ my hips like yeah.”In both connections, I raise the possibility of sex- “deep connection,” “shakin’ my hips”- but disarm my critics by teasing with “hanging out” and “noddin’ my head.” It’s something for everyone!

[LEFT- ...and provocative! The perfect Madonna/Whore dialectic!]

So, for my new song, I have to come up with something that is somewhat sexual, but also appeases the parents who buy the CD for their 12 year-old daughters. And if at all possible, it should have something to do with Paris. “I love watching the way your lips move when you’re speaking French to me. Makes me wanna really groove, when you dance with me.” See? The lips moving, “groove,” very sexual. But also innocent, because it’s related to speaking and dancing, which are both acceptable for kids. All we need to do is make it plausible that I’m not a total whore, and people will give me the benefit of the doubt. Plus, the bilingual fad is totally in right now, and if I associate myself with French, maybe I can cash in on some of the Dora the Explorer hype and get more people into my music! “Parlez-vous francais? Ca va? Bien, merci. In Paris, smiling faces, as far as I can see.” See how easy this is? I’ve been at it for about 20 minutes, and I’m already about two lyrics away from having a hit song!

There you have it. That’s the songwriting process that I use to come up with all of my hits. We just pick an old song, speed it up and add in some bass for the clubs, repeat the name of a place that everybody likes, then surrounded it with innuendo and slant rhymes. I'll probably be in the studio recording later today. I have a sore throat, but it doesn't matter- if I miss a few notes they'll just fix it with Auto-Tune. Piece of cake!

Agassi: “I used Brooke Shields”

By Mark Santo

LAS VEGAS- Retired tennis star Andre Agassi’s upcoming memoirs contain some very interesting revelations about the world’s former #1 player, including the bombshell that he used actress and ex-wife Brooke Shields. According to tennis reporter Malavia Washington, who was issued an advance copy of the book, Agassi used Shields starting in early 1997, shortly after he won the gold medal at the Atlanta Olympics.

Agassi, winner of six grand slam championships, confirmed the story, calling his marriage to Shields, “a dark, dark time.” According to Agassi, his marriage to Shields was a hollow, loveless sham. “I began using Brooke in early 1997, and continued using for approximately two years. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I was under a lot of pressure at the time. I was the face of Canon’s ‘Image is Everything’ ad campaign, and I really wasn’t playing well enough to live up to my own image. I tried new training techniques and different coaches, but no matter what I did, I was stuck in satellite tournaments. That’s when I got depressed and desperate and started using Brooke.”

[RIGHT- Chris Atkins, using Shields years before Agassi started the habit.]

When asked how he chose Shields over other Hollywood starlets, Agassi explained that his choices were limited. “I would have gone after Lisa Marie Presley, but I guess I wasn’t crazy enough for her publicity stunt. So I started watching movies, looking for vulnerable former child stars. When I saw The Blue Lagoon, I was immediately hooked: not only was she incredibly hot, but she had the mental scars of basically having a sex scene in front of the entire country at age 14. It was a natural fit.”

The news first broke when Washington posted a note on his Twitter account after receiving an advance copy of the book for review. The Twitter message read, “agassi used brooke… 1997… after olympiks b4 win french… more details…” The message has since been deleted from Washington’s account.

When asked why the copy of the book was leaked now, Agassi said, “it’s for publicity for my new book. That reminds me, can I get a plug in? The book is called ‘Open: An Autobiography’ and it hits stores November 9th. And let me tell you, if you liked this juicy fact, there’s lots more in the book for you.”

Sunshine Doughnuts to raise day-old doughnut prices by 25%

By Tamara Wynn

COLORADO SPRINGS- Sunshine Doughnuts owner and general manager Tom Shelby announced yesterday that the Colorado-based breakfast and snack shop will raise the price of its day-old doughnut selection from $0.20 to $0.25. The increase comes after months of public posturing and backroom political bickering from interested parties on all sides of the day-old doughnut debate, and marks a shift in the landscape of the Rocky Mountain state’s pastry industry.

“This decision is not one that I have taken lightly,” an exhausted but redeemed Shelby told reporters at Tuesday’s press conference. “Ultimately, the decision was mine, but I do not mean to understate the amount of hard work went into this price shift from some extremely capable individuals. If things go as we expect them to go, this day will not just be a victory for Sunshine Doughnuts- it will be a victory for every citizen of Colorado, from French cruller crunchers to chocolate glazed gobblers.”

The increased price comes in response to the depressed economy and its affect on the doughnut industry. When doughnut revenue started falling around the start of the new year, the Sunshine staff largely divided itself into two camps: the price hikers, who thought that day-old doughnuts would be a hot commodity with less disposable income to go around, and the price slashers, who believed that prices should come down across the board, and generally favored a “small bakery” mentality. While Shelby remained uncommitted in early discussions, he eventually aligned himself with the hikers’ day-old option, as he subscribed to the belief that increasing the price now will pay dividends to future generations.

[RIGHT- The vast array of deep-fried delicacies will allow day-after doughnut buyers to save some cash. Those in charge of Friday morning office snacks will likely benefit the most.]

The slashers, on the other hand, criticized what they called the hikers “simplistic, big doughnut ideology.” Their economic mentality revolved around the old supply-side idiom that prices should stabilize or decrease in times of economic stagnation. As such, the slashers thought that the hikers had grown out of touch with the average Coloradan, and instead focused primarily on what would be good for the apple fritter-eating elite.

In the end, the hikers won out, largely due to the support of economists who weighed in on the issue. Paul Krugman, the Nobel-prize winning economist from Princeton, issued a highly persuasive policy paper on the earnings power of day-old doughnuts titled, “The Myth of Freshness,” in which he argued that the negative attitude toward day-old doughnuts revolves almost entirely around negative experiences with stale cake doughnuts. In reality, Krugman said, most of the stale cake doughnuts are bought in 12 packs from grocery stores and can age as many as three days before reaching sub-optimal dryness. Furthermore, any sort of glazed or frosted doughnut remains moist for up to 18 hours, making it safe to eat day-old doughnuts the morning after without running any risk of excess dryness.

Even with Krugman’s endorsement, Shelby weighed all possibilities before making a final decision. He hired a team of game theorists to run thousands of monte carlo computer simulations of different doughnut choices. He even tinkered with regular price of doughnuts- $0.75- to see how much it would change buyer behavior. Additionally, Shelby brought in several lab-based biochemists to analyze the effects of various environmental factors on different types of doughnuts. As most observers expected, these scientists confirmed Krugman’s theory that cake doughnuts are far more susceptible day-old dryness, but also found that any type of cream-filled pastry lasts up to 30% longer before becoming inedible compared to their dough-centered counterparts.

While Shelby insists that no single factor made his decision for him, he did emphasize the importance of the current economic climate. “We try to keep our focus on the future of the doughnut industry at all times,” Shelby said, “but the truth is that we would not be having this discussion about day-olds without the economy being in the condition that it is in. By ‘day-olds,’ I am referring to day-old doughnuts. Excuse me, I did not mean to slip into the technical jargon there.”

Typically, any changes in the Sunshine Doughnuts pricing scheme have to gain approval from a 3/5ths majority of the Shelby family. In this case, the Shelbys were able to raise the price of day-old doughnuts with only 50% support from the 6-member family, as the adults decided that newborn Kyle would not receive a vote. This development irked children Gerald and Kate, who aligned themselves with the slashers because they no longer receive an employee discount now that they are away at college in Boulder. Adding fuel to the fire are rumors that Mark, the youngest Shelby child until the birth of Kyle, was bribed to support the price hike with a backroom deal for free doughnuts for his 2nd grade class on hi s next birthday.

Holy Shit! The Taliban is Scary!

By Dr. Terrance P. Kiernan
Henry Kissinger Senior Fellow of Geopolitics and Security Studies at Cornell University

As a professor of geopolitics and security studies, I am keenly aware of the government’s methods of threat creation employed to keep Americans scared and obedient to the government in its role of father-protector. But as an extremely paranoid human being, I can’t help but devolving into a quivering pool of nerves and skittishness every time the government manufactures a new enemy to terrify me. After a few years of having no reports of foreign instability severe enough to warrant American action, the Federal Government-Mass Media marketing bloc has set its sights on an old foe: the Taliban in Afghanistan. After a failed Afghan election and booming revenues from poppy crops, the Taliban is back, and let me tell you- they are scarier than ever.

I am fully aware that it turned out that Saddam didn’t have weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. I also know that Osama bin Laden wasn’t really hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan. Nonetheless, I spent months, if not years, in crippling fear that one of those two men would end freedom forever, and I have several dozen leftover Osama urinal cakes to prove it. Even when I was younger, I practiced my duck-and-cover procedure daily just in case the Soviets decided to finally drop the bomb. In the end, I couldn’t trust the Russians until Rocky convinced me that we all could change at the end of Rocky IV. Thankfully, through dedicated training and a relentless dedication to America, Sylvester Stallone convinced the dirty, rotten, commie pinkos not to suck the bone marrow out of dead fetuses for nutrition.



So that brings us to the present day, where the threat of the Taliban has reared its ugly head for the second time in a decade. Sure, last time our army squashed their military made up of Cold War relics. I fully understand that their most dangerous weapon is a bomb disguised as a piece of garbage on the side of the road. But I’m scared of Taliban anyway! It’s always better to be safe than sorry, and you never know- this could be the big one!

During my time at the Pentagon, I wrote a policy paper on the profile of a truly dangerous country. I’m sad and terrified to say that they have all of the makings of a true threat to my own life: lawlessness, political instability, poverty, a funny-sounding language, an alphabet that I cannot read, really crappy music, and clothing resembling that worn by various Bond villains.

I know what you’re thinking: didn’t we destroy the Taliban around 2002? That’s what I thought, too! But apparently, the inability of their government to figure out who won their presidential election combined with a drug industry that generates billions of dollars to non-governmental organizations who shape policy has reinvigorated the reactionary right of the country. Sound familiar? That’s right, it’s the exact same procedure that got us into a war with the Taliban the first time.

The thing that really got me scared about the new Taliban was the report about how their new methods are unspeakably wicked. They have big, spooky spiders hidden all over the country, and when they capture freedom-loving soldiers, they put blindfolds on them and make them feel bowls full of eel eyes and cold monkey brains. Isn’t that gross? What’s worse is that they don’t even have Halloween; they dress up like terrorists every day of the year.

[RIGHT- What the Taliban leaders may well look like, according to my extensive study of anti-Americanism in Bond movies.]

Apparently, the Taliban has also been working on some new military tactics and supplies. Intelligence data suggest that they have been using the brains of children to feed an army of zombies. Now, I don’t need to remind you that conventional war strategies and tactics will be inadequate against the undead. Shoot them with bullets? Run over them with tanks? Drop bombs on them? Child’s play to a zombie. They will eat our soldiers then cross the ocean to eat our leaders. Pretty soon, the entire country will be subservient to the Zombie Taliban, and we will have to pray to whatever zombie Muslims pray to every day at sun up and sun down. I shudder.

The potential for war gets even scarier when you consider the rumors of a weaponized strain of swine flu. My sources have told me that the Taliban has loaded capsules of H1N1 in bazookas and can infect an entire brigade at once. Our soldiers would be suffering from aches and fevers! The horror! And what if the rumors are true that Tom Selleck is half-Taliban on his mother’s side? Magnum’s facial hair always looked Arab, but I had no idea that he would turn on the country that made him a hero. If we lose Tom and his moustache, it’s game over, man. Game over!

Look, as an expert on the subject, I know that there’s only one thing to do. We have to get George Bush, Bruce Willis, and the ghost of Eazy-E to team up to take out the Taliban. I have seen enough movies to know that a vigilante coalition for freedom is America’s only hope. Otherwise, we better hope that we our children don’t grow up speaking Taliban.

Tech Review- iPhone Update great for stalkers, sex criminals

By Tricia Mallendum

PORTLAND- With great power comes great responsibility. No corporation has become more aware of this life’s lesson over the last two-and-a-half years than Apple, who has dominated the smart phone landscape since the release of the iPhone. Perhaps that experience has helped them to learn the truth of another maxim: heavy is the head that wears the crown. With unprecedented expectations surrounding every new update, Apple has had to stay a step ahead of the competition by continually innovating and putting more power in the palms of users’ hands than any other device. With the new software update 3.1.2, Apple has proven once more that their dominance of all things communication is warranted, and then some.

Apple has drawn the ire from sex criminals, especially child molesters, since the release of the original iPhone for not allowing picture messaging. Until now, the software required users to send pictures through e-mail, a cumbersome task that many sex criminals felt left too much of an evidentiary trail and not a quick enough reward. But no more. After monitoring SMS traffic on their network, Apple determined that they could make the software update to picture messages, an innovation sure to mark the dawning of a new era for all types of child porn.

Brittany Sloan, a 15-year-old currently dating a 24 year-old love of her life, expressed her excitement at her new ability to sext. “I just know my boyfriend will be so excited that I can send him pictures of me with my shirt off!” Sloan gushed. “I thought he would tell me he loved me when I agreed to let him have sex with me without a condom, but I know that this new iPhone app will do it!”

Rob Harris, Sloan’s aforementioned boyfriend, had slightly different reasons for his happiness about the ability to send and receive picture messages. “Do I want her to send me naked pictures? Yeah, I guess,” Harris said. “I could show it to my buddies, cuz they totally don’t believe I’ve been boning a 15-year-old, but they’d probably just make fun of her, call her pimple tits or something. I don’t know, I guess I’d like to have them just in case I ever need her to do anything for me.”

When told about Harris’ comments, Sloan began weeping uncontrollably, and continued for 11 days.

[LEFT- The iPhone has come a long way since its beta version.]

Other iPhone update enthusiasts include child pornographers and those involved in long-distance relationships. Child pornographers see iPhone picture messages as a way to take their hobby out of chat rooms and dungeon-like basements and put it into the mainstream. At the same time, long-distance couples appreciate the innovation for contradictory reasons, pointing out that the update may allay the shame and guilt associated with masturbating to internet porn at least three times per day. Furthermore, the writers of Law and Order: SVU are especially excited to have at least three new episodes in the bag for next season, when the continue to glorify sex crimes for personal profit.

In a related update, the newest version of the Twitter app for the iPhone gives a text notification for updates of selected users. This feature is especially compelling to obsessed young men who incessantly monitor the behavior and movements of ex-girlfriends and other women with whom they will never have sex. With up-to-the-minute location and action updates, they can experience a new sense of immediacy in their physically crippling panic attacks that ensue from finding out that the object of their fascination has a date tonight, or met someone new at a concert.

Another interesting feature in the update is facial scan technology, such as that used in Mission: Impossible. Although the technology was meant as an additional form of security for the hyper-paranoid, it too has been co-opted by sexual predators. Combined with the GPS location capabilities in the existing Loopt locating app, the new Hookt Up app can rate women’s appearance based on body measurements, facial symmetry, and skin quality, and identify where they are gathered. The innovation promises to allow sketchy men to hunt down attractive females with ruthless and terrifying efficiency. Luckily, the app also includes a male rating system as part of its “out of your league” feature, used to prevent hopeless situations from becoming embarrassing for everyone involved.

When asked if the focus on sex comports with Apple’s intentions when developing the iPhone, Apple VP of Marketing Phil Schiller described the evolution of the device as a “happy accident.” Schiller pointed out that all forms of technology have paralleled a Darwinian survival instinct in some way, such that the eventually all come back to sex. “Think about every important innovation in human history, they all had to do with sex,” Schiller said. “The computer became an elaborate delivery mechanism for porn, the printing press evolved into Penthouse, Hustler, and personal ads. Few people know this, but even fire was invented by a cave man who wanted to be able to see his mate’s boobs bouncing while they had sex because it seemed very feral.”

The other features of Apple’s update also adhere to the trend of increasing immediate access to sexual desires. Improved video editing capabilities increase the resolution and lighting of home-made sex tapes, and the refined Exchange support makes it easier to cancel business appointments while waiting outside an open window while trying to catch a glimpse of the girl who lives next door changing clothes. On the other hand, Apple also improved application management, which has no apparent connection to anything sexual.

Barack Obama wins American League Cy Young Award

By Tim McKitchen

NEW YORK- The President of the United States can add another trophy to his increasingly impressive trophy case. The Nobel Peace Prize winner was named the 2010 American League Cy Young Award winner by the Baseball Writers Association of America, narrowly edging the Royals’ Zack Greinke and the Mariners’ Felix Hernanez to win the award.

Obama breaks new ground by being only the second African American to win baseball’s most prestigious pitching honor in the last two decades, as well as the first non-baseball player to ever win the award. Obama surprised many by rising above the pack to win the award narrowly, grabbing 18 of a possible 28 first place votes, but did not make it on the ballot of Lavelle E. Neal III, who has gone on the record as saying that he does not think presidents should be eligible to win the Cy Young.

Democratic baseball writer Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe said that he voted for Obama because no other candidate asserted himself in a muddled field. According to Shaughnessy, Greinke’s 15 wins were not enough to win the award, while Hernandez won his games for a team that was out of playoff contention. But, according to Shaughnessy, Obama served as an inspiration to players throughout the league, inspiring African American players like C.C. Sabbathia, Torii Hunter, and Denard Span to lead their teams to division championships, an achievement unparalleled by any of the other candidates.

T.J. Simers of the Los Angeles Times agrees with Shaughnessy. “When you look at Obama’s statistics, they may not be the most impressive, because stats are not kept for presidents and he’s not actually a baseball player,” Simers said. “But Obama is so charismatic; he’s a master of intangibles- the Shane Battier of politics and, by extension, baseball. He’s a great clubhouse guy, he’s not afraid to get his hands dirty, and he really shows up and leaves it all on the field every day, or the Rose Garden as it were. Plus, he’s a really big sports fan, so we thought this would mean a lot to him.”

[RIGHT- Obama working on his 71 MPH fastball, embarrassing Jamie Moyer.]

Simers went on to point out that while Justin Verlander of the Tigers led the league in strikeouts with 269, but that Obama spent the entire summer “pitching” the healthcare public option and constantly striking out. Adding up every time Obama’s proposal fell on deaf ears, it is likely that the President actually recorded more strikeouts than anyone in America.

The controversy surrounding the choice of a non-baseball player for the award was heightened at Obama’s acceptance speech from the White House press room. While Obama told reporters that he was surprised and humbled by the news, he was abruptly interrupted by an intoxicated Kanye West, who stole the microphone and said, “I don’t want to take anything away from your summer Barack, but Zack Greinke had one of the best ERA’s of all time. That’s all I’m sayin.” West was promptly subdued and repeatedly tasered by befuddled Secret Service members who did not know where he came from.

Critics of the President have said that baseball writers awarded him the Cy Young in an effort to stay relevant as the NFL and other sports seemingly grab the attention of younger followers. MLB Commissioner Bud Selig deflected that criticism, but acknowledged the good press that the selection of Obama would generate for baseball. “Look, there is no conspiracy, but I’m also not going to stand up here and say that Obama winning the Cy Young is bad for baseball. First of all, look at the guy- he weighs about 120 pounds. There’s no way that guy ever did steroids. Also, black kids don’t like baseball. Instead of making the product more appealing to them, maybe we can get them to start watching through a convoluted marketing campaign. It certainly beats innovation.”

In any case, Obama’s Cy Young win has upset the balance of power in Major League Baseball since he is not signed to a contract for the 2010 season. In an otherwise weak free agent class, Obama may command “John Lackey Money” if he signs with super-agent Scott Boras. While it is unclear whether a sitting president is eligible to play professional sports, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel has suggested that the President will keep an open mind to any idea that may help offset the budget deficit.

Ode to the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome

There once lived a stadium, in a land oh-so-cold
That had grown, for its fans, just a little too old
The fate of this field in Minneapolis-St. Paul
Would be sealed the first time that its home team did fall

The home nine- the Twins- fought long and played tough
But it looked like the roster would not be enough
The rotation had suffered from blow after blow
And the lineup was missing its vaunted Morneau

The Dome would be closed if they lost just one game
The Tigers of Detroit would take all the blame
The young hurler Porcello could throw quite a heater
And the lineup was led by a fat, drunk wife-beater

The team took the field and the fans cheered aloud
If this was the last game, they’d do the Dome proud
They put their hopes in the bat of Joe Mauer
But they did not know of the stadium’s full power

There were World Series tales of the fans blowing in
But everyone thought that was the groundskeeper’s sin
Little did they know that those hits that were blown
Were kept in by a park with a life of its own

The proof is quite clear, the evidence quite deep
Do you really think Puckett had a forty inch leap?
And Hrbek never had to bodyslam Gant
Since the field knocked him down by taking a slant

On this day in October, the Dome refused to yield
To its shiny new rival they call Target Field
Open air, angled seats, are as nice as they seem
But no match for a park that can help out its team

It looked like the Twins would be cast out in the cold
When the drunk hit a shot not even the baggie could hold
Baker looked gassed, his year nearly done
When the Tigers led through three innings, three runs to none

The situation looked hopeless, as it had most the year
Til their redneck skipper absolved them of fear
Scoring two off Porcello proved quite the feat
Then Cabrera hit a drive the Dome blew to the seats

The score tied to the twelfth, the crowd felt a twinge
When the bases were loaded and the pitcher hit Inge
The ump called it a ball, Detroit didn’t know why
But the Dome had blown dust in the umpire’s eye

As the game wore on and the pitchers all tired
It became clear the Dome would not retire
Two routine grounders anywhere else on the Earth
Turned into a run on the hard Astroturf

So the Dome will live on, at least for a day
To torment opponents and dictate the play
As fly balls get lost amidst the roof and Homer Hankies
The fans and the Dome chant “Bring on the Yankees!”

Swagger back at the U, felonies to follow

By Sharon Davis

MIAMI- The Miami Hurricanes football program was known for its brash cockiness during its run as the nation’s top program in the late 1980s and early 2000s. Each run was also accompanied by a rash of behavior that ranged from borderline illegal to downright depraved. Now, head coach Randy Shannon appears to have the U back on the winning track, and the highly immoral hedonism that has long characterized the program is sure to follow in short order.
[LEFT- Hurricane alum Michael Irvin poses for a picture that demonstrates how convenient it is that Miami wears bright orange jerseys.]

“It’s good to have the Canes back in the mix as one of the best football teams in the country,” said running back Graig Cooper, who rushed for 93 yards in last week’s 33-17 curb-stomping of #14 Georgia Tech. “I know the schedule starts out tough, but if we can get some wins under our belt, I think we could get as much media attention as any team in the country, and some of it might actually be for our play on the field.” Experts say that Cooper, a junior, has a good chance at making the All-Conference team if he continues his strong play, and an even better chance at facing charges for a sex crime before the Canes bowl game. Observers differ, however, as to whether Cooper is more likely to be found in possession of GHB or to expose himself to an underage female student at a house party. In either case, Cooper is sure to bring Miami the type of notoriety that has been conspicuously absent since the salad days of Michael Irvin’s crack pipe and Luther Campbell paying players for taking out opponents.



The Miami renaissance has been lead by Sophomore Jacory Harris, a gun-slinging quarterback who is part Vince Young, part Kanye West, and all basket case. Standing 6’4”, weighing 170 pounds, and hailing from south Florida, Harris has all the makings of a crack head, but his potential for odd behavior has proven to exceed that of the everyday drug addict. Donning stunna shades and asymmetrical lines shaved into the sides of his head as he enters practice, Harris exemplifies the 21st century direction of this bunch of Hurricanes miscreants. His publicist has already booked him to call in and interrupt Taylor Swift on a local morning radio show, and advisers have encouraged him to start posting incriminating messages on Twitter to raise his profile.

Some say that the Miami football program lends itself to lunacy due to the constant heat and humidity of the region; others argue that the pressure of playing for one of the most storied programs in the nation takes its toll on players and coaches alike. University President Donna Shalala has a different take on the situation.

“Honestly, the Hurricanes football program has such a strong history of antisocial behavior because we allow anarchy to reign unabated as long as it keeps the University’s name in the national news. Whereas other programs find new coaches, athletic directors, and even university presidents, we’re happy to maintain the status quo as long as we get money from the TV networks and free advertising on ESPN. Look at what happened in our game against Florida International a few years ago- the entire team started a brawl on the field; players were swinging helmets at each other; an announcer even celebrated the melee by saying that it exemplified Miami football. Did heads roll? Of course not. We didn’t even reprimand [head coach] Randy [Shannon]. In fact, Randy is something of a cash cow. As a black man, and one with such a dignified appearance, nobody is going to notice what a shit show he has been running for at least a year or two longer than they did when Larry Coker was the coach, that bug-eyed lunatic. I call it the Tommy Amaker syndrome.”

Shalala, the longtime Miami president is rumored to be angling for a Senate run in 2012. In Florida, it may work.

The trajectory of the Hurricanes season will be heavily impacted by the outcome of their next two games, both against ranked opponents. Next week, the Canes go on the road to face ACC rival Virginia Tech. The following week, preseason #3 Oklahoma comes to Miami in what may be Heisman hopeful QB Sam Bradford’s first game back from a shoulder injury. “Bradford might come in as a Heisman candidate,” said superstar defensive back Randy Phillips, a lock to see his NFL draft stock slip precipitously after failing a drug test at the combine, “but he damn sure ain’t leaving Miami has a Hesiman favorite, whether we intercept him three times, or re-injure that precious shoulder.” Phillips went on to say that his comments shouldn’t necessarily be interpreted as a threat that he would personally try to injure Bradford with a dirty hit after a play, but that he “wouldn’t rule out the possibility entirely.”

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[RIGHT- Vivica A. Fox is a cautionary tale for implants gone wrong.]

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Scalia’s legal reasoning devolves into the theater of his twisted imagination

By Roger Berdisch

WASHINGTON- Supreme Court observers have expressed concern in recent weeks that the high court’s most eccentric member, Associate Justice Antonin Scalia, may finally have gone off the deep end. Scalia, long regarded as a defiant constructionist and something of an anachronism for modern times, lost the support of much of his remaining contingency when he penned a dissent in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission which legal scholars have called, “completely devoid of any cogent legal analysis.”

Topping the list of critics’ complaints about Scalia’s opinion was the fact that he drew an extended analogy between the case’s First Amendment free speech components, and the folksy witticism, “there’s no such thing as a free lunch.” Along this line of reasoning, Scalia argued that any individual or institution which seeks to make campaign contributions must sit through a timeshare presentation of proportional length in order to air their advertisements, or else purchase 10 regular Quiznos subs at regular price before receiving an advertising slot of equal or lesser value. The Court’s six member majority voiced its disapproval for Scalia’s line of analogous reasoning in Chief Justice John Roberts’ majority opinion, which characterized the dissent as, “worthless Dago drivel, unbecoming of our chambers.”

Scalia earlier drew the attention of skeptics during oral arguments last week, when Justice Samuel Alito had to repeatedly remind him that the Supreme Court was not bound by the precedent of Murphy’s Law. While hearing the arguments from an attorney in a medical malpractice case, Scalia persistently and pointedly inquired as to whether the plaintiff should have foreseen that her plastic surgery consent would have covered the possibility that her chart would be switched and she would be given a hysterectomy, simply because “anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” When informed that Murphy’s Law was not an actual piece of legislation, Scalia acted befuddled, and asked whether it might have been passed recent in Nevada, or if there was some jurisdictional confusion about the case.

Scalia also demonstrated questionable legal rationale at a recent speech given during the convocation at American University in Washington, DC. At the speech, Scalia took up the controversial subject of gun control, where he pointed out that his strict constructionist style of Constitutional interpretation led him to reason that the framers of the Constitution intended that the Second Amendment would preserve an absolute right of gun ownership. When asked how he knew this precept to be the framers’ intent, Scalia angrily insisted that he had discerned the information directly from Thomas Jefferson and James Madison over a bottle of whiskey in Constitution Hall after he used his super powers to fly backward around the Earth several times, creating a time travel effect- just like in Superman 3.

[RIGHT- Scalia explains why the Eighth Commandment is his favorite to an empty library.]

Mark Sterling, a professor of psychology at Horace Lake Community College, said that Scalia’s erratic behavior is not out of line with the way many celebrities act after spending a substantial amount of time in the public eye. “When one perceives that the world revolves around him, that deep-seated, routine narcissism becomes part of his reality,” Sterling said. “Scalia shows the tell-tale sign of not being able to hold a conversation that does not revolve around the topic of the Great Antonin Scalia. His affliction is not at all uncommon among powerful males, as the same traits can be seen in Kim Jong-Il, Idi Amin, and Lance Armstrong.”

Scalia’s behavior has grown progressively more disturbing. A few months ago, he began citing precedent from Night Court, various Sherlock Holmes novels, and Paula Deen’s Down Home Cookbook in his opinions. More recently, aids have expressed concern about his new habit of wearing garter belts on the bench and swallowing a handful of prescription painkillers and Adderall before writing. Additionally, Scalia ignited a media storm weeks ago when he accidentally CC’d several reporters on an email sent to Democratic leader Howard Dean, in which he asked the former presidential candidate if he would be interested in a “romantic weekend getaway in my ass.” Scalia’s representative promptly claimed that the email was a misunderstanding, and that Dean was the one who was a fag, while Scalia loves the pussy.

Recently, Scalia’s behavior has devolved even further into petty and childish attacks aimed at the other members of the court. After Justice John Paul Stevens accused Scalia of engaging in irresponsible jurisprudence for ruling against a party because, “his attorney is Mexican, and everybody knows I hate Mexicans,” Scalia began endlessly pestering Stevens. His antics have ranged from sending him links to scat porn websites to flinging spitballs at Stevens during oral argumentation. Court historians have called the episode, “regrettable” and “one of the five or six most childish things we have seen in this courtroom in the last century.”

When asked if he was concerned by Scalia’s behavior, President Obama expressed a calm demeanor. “Justice Scalia is another in the long line of conservatives who were relegated to the lunatic fringe when a black man was finally elected President,” Obama said. “Plus, the way he lives, I don’t suppose he will last too much longer. I have death by prostate cancer in August of 2012 in the White House office pool.”