Precocious Child Molester is Sketchy Beyond His Years

By Darren Edward

HARRISBURG- America’s fascination with child prodigies extends to many different fields: it has spanned a youthful Tiger Woods swinging a golf club on Mike Wallace’s show to Little Hercules, the pre-pubescent body builder. Nonetheless, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania may have produced a child prodigy of a unique breed in 12 year-old Timmy Fontaine. After a months-long investigation, local authorities have determined that Timmy is the country’s youngest child molester.

Although Fontaine has touched at least fifteen young girls sexually in the last two years, police captain Jerry Dykstra points out the difficulty in charges him with any crime since he is also well below the state’s age of consent. An exasperated Dykstra went on to complain that the failed investigation was compounded by its difficulty- Fontaine flew beneath the radar as a suspect for months because it is not unusual to see an adolescent boy trolling parks and elementary schools with copious amounts of candy. In fact, Fontaine first became a person of interest in the investigation when police suspected that he may have been a victim of child molestation when they saw him entering a rusty 1995 Ford Astrostar, which turned out to be an abandoned vehicle he had parked near a local playground and used as his home base.

[RIGHT- Timmy Fontaine at age 7.]

Fontaine’s father, Greg, said that he was not surprised at his son’s preciousness. “The first hint that Timmy was different from the rest of the kids was when he started writing cheesy love poems to the other girls at his pre-school- it was very advanced behavior when the rest of the boys were more concerned with cooties. When Timmy was 10, we found some Rohypnol hidden under his mattress, which really showed a lot of initiative.”

Mr. Fontaine went on to say that he and his wife, Elizabeth, have always encouraged Timmy to go for his dreams and aspire to be the best at whatever he chose to do. “I guess being a child molester is not the direction I would have chosen for Timmy, but he truly has a gift for it. My dad wanted me to be an accountant and I became a nurse instead, so who am I to tell my child not to do something that brings him such great joy? You should see the look on his face right after he defiles an innocent, unsuspecting little girl for the first time. It’s nothing short of cherubic- the sort of uncorrupted joy that only a child can really experience.”

Furthermore, Mr. Fontaine explained that he wanted his son to have every opportunity to develop into a truly elite child molester. He cited comparisons to Tennis Academies and Hockey clubs that children as young as eleven join to hone their crafts. He said that the family has looked into moving to Rome, so Timmy could study under the world renowned child molesters in the Vatican, calling it a once in a lifetime opportunity, “to learn to do what he loves from the most experienced practitioners on the planet.”

Timmy has faced certain limitations in his quest to become a full-fledged child molester at such a young age. For instance, he does not have his driver’s license, so he has to move his van late at night, and abduct children on the handlebars of his bicycle, although he says that removing the training wheels was a big step toward establishing his legitimacy with the local kids. Luckily, Timmy was able to fit into a adult size small tracksuit with turquoise and navy diagonal stripes, but he is years away from growing a sketchy moustache, and has to rely on huge amounts of glamour glue that he swipes from the local theater supply store.

Mr. Fontaine said that he doesn’t know where his son picked up his lifestyle, but he does not believe that he deserves any of the credit. “I really don’t think he gets the molestation from me. I mean, I dabbled in kiddie porn when I was younger, but never anything as serious as this, and I certainly didn’t push him into it. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t come from his mother’s side either, because every time we would have his creepy uncle Ted babysit him, Ted would just get drunk and I can’t imagine that he would have molested him when he was drinking.”

Psychologist and sexual deviancy expert Marion Dabbard says that a variety of environmental factors contribute to advanced development. “In rare cases, we see children develop adult abilities or tendencies at a very early age,” Dabbard explains. “ In most instances, this phenomenon is caused by rapid development of the part of the brain controlling complex reasoning skills, so just like Mozart or Drew Barrymore, it would be fair to characterize Timmy as a sort of genius. Regardless of my opinion of the behavior itself, the advanced participation at such an early age is more than enough of an academic intrigue to outweigh any moral qualms I may have about child molestation.” Dabbard also says that Timmy has a chance to become one of the most prolific child molesters in the history of the modern world if he is able to avoid the typical burnout that comes with early greatness, but that he is unlikely to match the achievements of ancient Greek pederasts.

[LEFT- Dunham, who is not a hoax, and is not in it for the money. At all.]

Timmy will be glad to know that he has the support of fellow child prodigies. Terry Durham, an 11 year-old ordained minister from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida says that he understands the pressures that Timmy has to face and hopes that Timmy has the emotional foundation to ignore the skeptics. “If Timmy puts his faith in God and doesn’t listen to those who want to bring him down, he can be a truly great child molester, as long as he doesn’t start raping and murdering kids to get more thrills. I just hope he knows that I’m pulling for him,” Durham said before restoring sight to a blind man by speaking in tongues.

Boston Globe Baseball Writers Report to Spring Training in “Best Shape of Their Lives”

By Jerome Ferguson

FORT MEYERS- The dew glistens on the finely manicured blades of grass in an un-trampled outfield. The swirls from the infield rakes remain in perfect symmetry between the bases. And the press box shines brightly without a mustard stain or a cigarette burn to sully the industrial furnishings. After a winter of dormancy, today is the day that the Boston Globe baseball staff gets back on the beat, and they are ready to dispense some classic spring training clichés.

“I didn’t like the way last season ended,” said veteran scribe Peter Abraham. “We did not have enough enthusiasm in the NLDS, and I think it really cost the team. That’s why I spent the off-season working my butt off- practicing crossword puzzles, doing a word-a-day desk calendar, and even getting Lasik surgery to improve my vision, so I could see the game I cover with more clarity than ever before. I think it’s safe to say that right now I am in the best writing shape of my life.”

[RIGHT: There's no time like springtime for baseball writers to get in peak physical condition.]

The Globe editorial staff has spent the offseason focusing on the virtues of chemistry and teamwork. They want the staff to bring a rough-and-tumble attitude to the ballpark that can adapt to whatever challenges the season might throw at them. If they bring their lunchpail with them to the park every day, the editors insisted, they will be able to contend with anyone, and might even come out on top at the end of the season, just as long as lady luck is on their side.

Baseball writer Nick Cafardo stressed the importance of paying attention to detail. “It’s a long season, 162 games, and if you don’t bring it every day, somebody else will,” Cafardo, still dripping with sweat, told other reporters after submitting a human interest story on Josh Beckett’s charity work. “I really want the team to be the best there is at fundamentals, you know, doing the little things the right way. Anybody can write a story about a baseball game, but we need to use proper apostrophes, know when to use their/they’re/there, and adhere to the MLA conventions on punctuation. Spring training is where you have time to do the grammar and usage drills that get lost in the shuffle during the season. Those are the kind of things that separate the men from the boys.”

One topic the staff identified as a potential area of improvement is their situational writing. “It’s one thing to be able to accurately recount what happens on a daily basis, but we can always get better at special interest pieces, big game features, and capturing the excitement of a thrilling pennant race,” Abraham noted. Specifically, the staff mentioned that it wants to take advantage of the opportunities the team presents, and not waste any articles. It’s that sort of old-school mindset that has Boston buzzing about a breakout season for the Globe writing team.

Now is the time, the entire staff agreed, to mentally and physically prepare for the grind of a long season. If the writers get in a habit of hustling and getting the most they can out of every story, it will come as second nature once the malaise of a long season starts to set in. “Let’s be honest,” Cafardo, a veteran of many tiring seasons explained, “it’s great to talk about execution now, but what about when you’re in Oakland in August on the 10th day of a 14 day road trip, you’ve eaten nothing but ballpark food for two weeks and you’re living out of a suitcase? You’re not going to be able to hit a home run with every story then. But if we get into the habit of working for everything now, being aggressive, getting that extra lead or quote, and playing to our strengths, we will be prepared for those difficult situations. Remember, speed doesn’t slump.”

Cafardo went on to explain that he expects big things this year from beat writer Amalie Benjamin and columnist Tony Massarotti. Benjamin, he said, is really starting to come into her own with a couple of seasons under her belt, and although some have questioned whether Massarotti can stay in touch with his audience as he ages, Cafardo insisted that Massarotti’s experience is essential to the team’s success. Besides, as Cafardo pointed out, “you’d be surprised how many new tricks that old dog can learn.”

The Globe writers will wrap up their spring training on March 29, when they will head north to start writing the stories that really matter. They have said that they’re focusing on taking the spring one day at a time while they shake off the rust that develops over the winter. So don’t expect Pulitzer winning journalism these first few weeks, as the staff rounds back into form, because spring training profiles are mostly worthless puff pieces, devoid of real insight and full of clichés.