Movie Studios Look to Bounce Back from Disappointing Blockbuster Season

By Aldous Verditte

HOLLYWOOD- With box office receipts sagging around the globe, presidents of Hollywood’s major movie studios met to discuss the reasons for their falling popularity and ideas to get out of the rut. While many fans have complained that repetitive and predictable movie franchises have stifled creativity, these experts determined that the flaw was in the marketing of the products rather than the products themselves. As a result of the meeting, the studio executives have decided that their best strategy to rebound in the summer of 2014 is to redouble their efforts from the summer of 2013, reboot their reboots, and invest even more in well-known movie franchises.

One of the notions that arose out of this meeting of the minds was the idea that established franchises are being undervalued. While the process of developing a script, casting a movie, shooting it, and producing it can take 2-3 years to complete, the studios figure that they can fast track the process by using the same script, cast, and director year after year. “We know that movie fans like the Fast and the Furious name,” said Universal Pictures Chairman Ronald Meyer. “What we want to do is take the three years between Fast and Furious movies and reduce it down to one year. That’s why next summer we will be release a shot-for-shot remake of Fast and Furious 6 using the same script and cast. It will be titled Fast and Furious 6 2 and will get to the audience much faster than our other projects. In the movie industry, nothing is better than a proven name.”

Vin Diesel and The Rock intend to continue making Fast and Furious movies until they run out of arm butter

One of the chief drivers of this double-down strategy is the studio executives’ desire to avoid admitting that their lack of creativity and worn out ideas are to blame for the slump in revenue. If studios keep making the same movies over and over, they can point to the longevity of their established commodities while ignoring the fact that they are not interesting and do not make any money. On the other hand, some of the summer blockbusters released by major studios have been so boring that they would have entertained more people by literally lighting 250 million dollar bills on fire and letting people watch them burn.

For all of their ample hubris, the studio heads did admit some mistakes and offered ideas for how to improve in those areas. For example, Walt Disney Studios has resolved to talk to Johnny Depp about the damage his has done to his career with his last several movies. Rumors persist that the mercurial Depp reacted to becoming an A-list celebrity by vowing to drive all of his fans away. Most recently, he discouraged viewers from seeing The Lone Ranger by starring as an unrecognizable, monosyllabic, and probably racist version of Tonto. Unfortunately, Depp has already signed on to make seven more Pirates of the Caribbean movies before he can move on to other projects.

In addition to Fast and Furious 6 2, fans can look forward to Despicable Me 2 2 and White House Blowed Up Again next summer. Studios have also taken a lesson from Marvel’s The Avengers and decided to start pairing mismatched franchises with each other to create audience crossover. For example, this summer’s climactic scene from Star Trek Into Darkness featured Spock brawling with Sherlock Holmes atop a flying car. In coming years, we can expect to see James Bond teaming up with Shrek to stop ogre spies, a romantic comedy in which Jason Bourne falls for Bella from the Twilight series, and The Hangover IV, in which the gang gets mercifully wiped out by a SharNado.

While it has been a difficult year for movie studios, fans of the silver screen can be encouraged that the heads of Hollywood’s major studios are working diligently to deliver the best content possible to their audiences. Judging by their recent work, it appears that the product of this diligent work will be more of exactly the same movies that people have already grown to hate.

Precocious Eight Year-Old Crushed to Learn That Politics Are Fake

WILMINGTON- Local eight year-old Danny Louder was devastated this week when his father revealed to him that the political shows he watches on television are all scripted and that national politics on the whole are a contrived form of entertainment. Danny’s father, Stephen Louder, became concerned about his son’s emotional state when Danny became extremely sad following the Senate’s vote against expanded background checks for potential gun owners. Rather than seeing his son suffer, Stephen decided to inform him that his interest is not as “real” as it purports to be in order to help him put the events into context, but the revelation only made Danny more upset.

Above- Danny became sullen and withdrawn when he
learned that politics are not real. 

Danny’s interest in politics started when he was six and he saw his father watching debates about health care on CNN. He was instantly drawn in by the passion with which the politicians delivered their speeches, as well as the tradition and pageantry that made everything involved in politics seem so important. He quickly gravitated toward MSNBC, watching Rachel Maddow nearly every night and rooting for his favorite politicians: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Wilmington’s Congressional Representative John Carney, and Delaware native Joe Biden. He rode an emotional roller coaster through the debt ceiling debates, a possible government shutdown, and the eventual sequester, but he was never disappointed because his preferred Democrats could always claim some degree of victory in the end.

Politics, of course, are a billion-dollar entertainment industry designed to help fund the government and create an emotional investment in the idea of a nation and its government. The storylines are loosely based on real-world events, but the dramatic machinations are created by “speechwriters,” many of whom are Hollywood producers and screenwriters taking on other jobs. The industry is funded by various news outlets who pay for the right to broadcast the lucrative programming, as well as corporate sponsors who underwrite the events in exchange for the exposure that comes with it.

“Danny got very passionate about gun control after the Sandy Hook tragedy, probably because he could identify with the kids who were shot,” Stephen told reporters after revealing the truth about politics to his son. “I thought that it would be comforting for him to know that the politicians on TV were not actually betraying him or the families at Sandy Hook, that they were just playing a part, but it only made him more upset to find out that his idols were faking it. I remember when my dad told me that politics were fake after the Dan Quayle-Lloyd Bentsen debate. I had an inkling that their debate was scripted because nobody could come up with lines like that off the cuff. Now when I watch it, it seems so obviously fake and scripted, but I guess that can be pretty jarring to learn when you don’t expect it.”

Danny is not the first person to be surprised to learn that politics are not as genuine as they purport to be. Historically, the secret about politics’ scripted outcomes was guarded much more closely by those involved. Politicians would stay in character all the time and would never acknowledge that the results were predetermined. As recently as the 1980s, investigative reporter John Stassel did a behind-the-scenes report on politics, accusing Senator Tip O’Neill of being a phony. O’Neill responded angrily by subpoenaing Stassel before a Senate Sub-Committee on Ethics, questioning him for hours on end, and giving him numerous psychological injuries.

There are also those who understand that the results are predetermined, but refuse to believe that politics are truly fake. Famed pundit James Carville is one such true believer. He famously  grew emotional during a question and answer session with retired politicians at the Tennessee State Democratic Convention in 2006, saying, “I just want to thank each and every one of you all for all you have done to your reputations… It’s still real to me, damnit! Thank you guys. You’re awesome. Thank you so much for saying what had to be said.” While Carville was lampooned by many in the media, there are a number of politics fans who share his opinions about their chosen form of entertainment.

As for Danny, it remains to be seen whether he will keep up his interest in politics once he comes to grips with the fact that the results are scripted. Typically, fans drift in one of two directions when they come to that realization. Some fans gradually lose interest and are only brought back in moments of sentimentality or nostalgia. Others become even more interested, focusing on the meta-narrative of how and why political developments are scripted the way they are by the writers. These political junkies tend to spend a great deal of time on internet message boards complaining about how their favorite politicians never get enough attention and the leading candidates are all boring. 

Pitbull: We Came to Party

To his fans, Pitbull is a multiplatinum recording artist with an unmatched work ethic and dedication to his lifestyle. To the music industry, he is a versatile moneymaker who is willing and able to work with anyone in the business. To his detractors, he is a shallow facsimile of a musician, cobbled together from marketing directors like a Frankenstein’s monster of commercialism.

The rest of the public is left to wonder- who is this man in dark sunglasses and a white suit, conspicuously holding his beer with the label facing the camera in every Budweiser commercial? Who is this racially, musically, and professionally ambiguous character who finds his way into every televised performance of live music?

Many will be surprised to learn that biographical information on Mr. Worldwide is extremely scant. He has no Wikipedia page, no personal information listed on his Facebook or Twitter pages, and his personal website only features a few press photos and upcoming performance dates. When asked for personal information, his publicist provided a broad sketch- Pitbull grew up in poverty in Miami and became involved in the city’s music scene at a young age. He hung out at night clubs, picking the brains of DJs about Hip-Hop, Pop, Dance, R&B, and Reggaeton music. Then, the publicist asked me if I would be interested in booking PItbull for a personal event.

As I dug deeper into the history of Pitbull, it became clear that one of two possibilities had to be true: Pitbull either erased most of his history, or never had a history to begin with. There were no friends, family members, former teachers, or neighbors who could shed light on his past. All of the details about his history were just vague enough that they could not be easily disproven, but they did not paint the picture of how Pitbull became an international icon.

Part I: Trespassers Beware of Dog

After failing to pinpoint the location of Pitbull’s childhood home, I tried a different approach to get in touch with the man. I signed up for Pitbull’s fan club and went to the location listed as the return address on the letter they sent me with my official Pitbull aviator shades and a bag full of Bud Light and Dr. Pepper merchandise. The location was not a suite in a downtown office building like I expected, but an industrial warehouse in suburban Atlanta. The warehouse looked less like an office for a multi-platinum recording artist and more like a training facility for Bond henchmen.

When I got inside, I noticed that there were several stations set up- a stage, a talk show set, a green screen, a fake nightclub. Pitbull was sitting at the talk show set giving what appeared to be a mock interview with one of his managers. I was not surprised because I have heard of celebrities preparing for talk shows by giving mock interviews, even though this elaborate simulated world was more extensive than I would have imagined. I wandered near the set and sat in one of the empty chairs since there was no audience for this event. As soon as I sat down, the manager stopped asking Pitbull questions and angrily asked what I was doing there. I explained that I was a journalist who wanted to learn about Pitbull’s backstory, so I came to the headquarters for his fan club to learn more. The manager told me that I had to leave and called a rented private security guard to usher me out of the building.

Her anger caught me off guard, so I stayed nearby to see if anyone else would come out of the building. To my surprise, Pitbull came out about 30 minutes later wearing a track suit and carrying a duffle bag instead of his trademark white suit and aviators. Even more surprisingly, he started to unlock a 2001 Toyota Camry in the parking lot as I walked up to him. At first, he seemed angry and did not want to talk, but when he recognized me as the reporter from inside the warehouse, he told me to meet him at a nearby Wafflehouse an hour later. Suffice to say, I was extremely confused by the situation, yet intrigued by the possibility to interview Pitbull himself after the extended runaround while researching the story.

I was surprised that my dinner companion made me pay for his coffee and scrambled eggs, but I was even more surprised by what he was about to tell me.

Part II: Grooming a Pitbull

In musical history, there have been plenty of examples of managers and record labels capitalizing on a brand name. Menudo recycled Latin American teenagers like they were soda cans. Axl Rose hung onto the Guns ‘N’ Roses brand name almost long enough for the world to see the birth of real Chinese Democracy. KISS even cycled in new made up Halloween characters when the principles wandered into foolhardy solo projects.

Nonetheless, until that day I had never heard of the concept of multiple performers operating under the same professional brand name at the same time. It turned out that my dinner partner was not Pitbull, at least not yet. His name was Vincente Osuna, a native New Yorker of Puerto Rican descent. He spent some time trying to make it as a DJ after dropping out of high school and even made a music video for YouTube with a friend who sang, but he gave up on his music career over two years ago and took a job selling data plans at a T-Mobile store.

At least Mr. Osuna thought he had given up his music career. Approximately three months ago, a man and a woman in well-tailored business suits walked into his T-Mobile store. In his Queens neighborhood, they might as well have been wearing bondage outfits because their clothes stood out like sore thumbs. The pair asked for Mr. Osuna by name. When he introduced himself, they asked for a private place to talk. They trio went to an office behind the sales floor and the business partners asked if he would be interested in making another attempt at his music career with their help. He told them that he gave it up because he needed a more steady income. They said that they could not go into detail, but that they were ready to sign him to a lucrative contract that would pay him over $200,000 per year if he could successfully complete a 6-week training program. Of course, he would have to sign a gag order and keep every detail of their conversation confidential. Moreover, they instructed him that he would have to move to Atlanta for the training program and that he would not be allowed to bring any friends or family with him. If he failed the training program, he would receive a $20,000 severance check and would owe no additional obligations to their production company.

Despite his reservations about the program’s secrecy, Mr. Osuna found the money too good to pass up. On top of that, the exchange piqued his curiosity. Why would this company appear out of nowhere to offer him a music contract based on a mediocre YouTube video that was more than two years old? When Mr. Osuna arrived in Atlanta, he was whisked from the airport directly to the warehouse facility into which I stumbled earlier in my trip. Mr. Osuna entered the building with only a duffle bag. He was seated, confused and alone, at the end of a long table in an empty boardroom.

After a few minutes, the two executives who met him in Queens entered the room. They explained to him that they brought him to Georgia to train him to be Pitbull. He asked if they meant as a body double or a seat filler. No, they told him after reminding him of the confidentiality clause in his contract, they wanted to train him to rap, dance, dress, talk, and carry himself like Pitbull. But how was this possible?  Pitbull, they explained to him, is not a person, but an identity drawn up by test marketers and executives from RCA records. They developed a versatile, identifiable, and non-threatening musical identify specifically designed for mass consumption. They knew that media saturation would be the key factor in whether the public would quickly learn to identify this new act. When they started to call in performers who could fit the mold, they realized that they were not necessarily constrained by any performer’s inability to be in two places at once. If they found two singers who looked enough alike, they could train them both to behave the same way and they could double their cultural presence.

Mr. Osuna was amazed, but the explanation certainly shed light on the question of how Pitbull could make so many public appearances without ever disappearing from the public eye or resting. He agreed to proceed with the training program and embarked on a strenuous process of learning to walk, talk, and interact in accordance with the Pitbull brand. He had to learn answers to thousands of rote questions that he was sure to face in interviews because an inconsistency could shed light on the Pitbulls' split personalities. Of course, he was given the white suit and aviator shades on day one, but the process was far more rigorous.

Part III: A Whole Litter of Pitbulls

Mr. Osuna is not sure how many Pitbulls there are in the world right now, but estimates that there are between 20 and 30 clones making good on the “Mr. Worldwide” moniker that the label bestowed on its creation. He said that he got the impression that the RCA executives he met in the T-Mobile store spend all of their time trying to identify and cultivate new Pitbulls, and that their primary constraint is strictly appearance. As soon as they find someone physically similar enough to the first Pitbull with some inkling of an interest in the music industry, they bring him to Georgia to start the training process anew. Mr. Osuna only met one other Pitbull in training, but saw records and correspondences with almost two-dozen others, and admits that their total number might be significantly higher than he knows.

Naturally, there was an original Pitbull. Armando Perez, a Miami native of Cuban descent, fit the bill when the RCA executives were casting for the job. The few biographical details that are available about the pre-professional Pitbull are generally derived from Perez’s past. He was first placed by his label as a supporting musician on the album Kings of Crunk by Atlanta-based producer Lil Jon, who is a highly-trained stage actor playing a role he helped develop for an off-Broadway play and adapted as an ironic yet successful parody of hip hop excess.

From there, Pitbull’s creative output has been so prolific that it would be astounding if compiled by only one man. Pitbull has released nine studio albums in the last eight years. The character was positioned as a co-founder of the Bad Boy Latino record label with Sean “Diddy” Combs as part of the transition of the character from purely a musician to a business mogul as well. The brand has also associated itself with countless products, including Kodak, Dr. Pepper, Bud Light, Voli Vodka, and Miami Subs Pizza and Grill. RCA even released a song titled Vida 23 with a Dr. Pepper brand tie-in on one of the Pitbull albums.

These professional accomplishments have been buttressed with an unprecedented grassroots marketing effort on behalf of the army of Pitbulls. The character has appeared on countless talk shows as a performer and a guest. He is featured on hundreds of songs by other performers and invariably shows up in their music videos. The brands for which Pitbull is a spokesman have uniformly commented on his dedication, saying that they sometimes feel guilty for asking him to make so many public appearances even though he never turns them down. In the markets close to Pitbull’s billed hometown of Miami, Pitbull shows up at civic functions, business openings, street fairs, and even occasional birthday parties to perform, sometimes unsolicited. Many have noticed that it is more surprising to see a televised performance of live music without Pitbull involved than with him.

Above: Pitbull performs at a bar mitzvah.

Part IV: Teaching an Old Dog to Turn New Tricks

Without a doubt, the Pitbull experiment has been highly successful for the record company, as it has raked in millions of dollars while paying its performers a fixed fee in the low six-figures every year. On top of gate receipts and record sales, the character was specifically designed as an endorser, and the corporate sponsorship money has been unmatched.

The project has not been without pitfalls, of course. Mr. Osuna, for instance, had his contract terminated immediately after I saw him conducting a round of interview training. He was willing to divulge these secrets because his $20,000 severance check was being withheld since his identity as a Pitbull was compromised. It remains to be seen how many other disgruntled Pitbulls could emerge after the label’s exposure.

The success of the Pitbull brand has certainly encouraged other labels to mimic the project. Mr. Osuna said that he observed the measured responses to questions and generic behavior by boy band One Direction and was instantly convinced that they were another record industry contrivance with several iterations roaming the world. Furthermore, it is a well-known fact in musical circles that the original Black Eyed Peas died nearly 10 years ago.

The lingering question is whether the Pitbull popularity can withstand this revelation. Will fans continue to buy tickets to see Pitbull in concert if they know that the man on stage is an actor playing a role rather than an artist expressing his talent? Will his endorsement be worth anything now that he has been exposed as a corporate mechanism specifically designed to shill for whichever product is willing to cut him a check? Will the public be willing to overlook the fact that the record labels have insulted their intelligence and treated them like ATMs with a pulse? Judging by the state of American popular music over the last twenty years, the answer is a resounding “yes.”

Leukemia Epidemic Afflicting Nerds’ Girlfriends from Camp, Vacations

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Gary Sinise and the Disabled American Veterans

The following telephone conversation took place approximately six months ago between a spokesperson from the Disabled American Veterans organization and the agent for actor Gary Sinise, who famously played Lieutenant Dan in Robert Zemeckis’ 1994 film Forrest Gump. OMGTEHNEWZ obtained a transcript of the conversation from unnamed sources. The dialogue took place as follows:

Agent: Hello?

Disabled American Veterans spokesperson: Hello, is this the agent for Lieutenant Dan?

A: My name is Glenn Richardson. I run an agency called Celebrity Talent International. I represent Gary Sinise, who once played a character named Lieutenant Dan.

DAV: Perfect, then you’re just the man I wanted to talk to. You see, we’re interested in having Lieutenant Dan star in a fundraising commercial for our foundation that benefits veterans who were disabled in wars.

A: Yes, but you have to understand that Mr. Sinise is an actor and “Lieutenant Dan” was just a character he played in a movie.

DAV: You bet he’s a character! That’s why we want him to be the voice of our commercial. Of all the disabled veterans I have seen, he has by far the most charisma.

A: I don’t think you understand what I am saying. Lieutenant Dan is fictional. If you ask Gary Sinise to be in your commercial, he is not going to be exactly the same as Lieutenant Dan from the movie.

DAV: So what you’re telling me is that if we hire him, he won’t have greasy long hair and he won’t drunkenly wheel himself around the studio with hookers behind him?

Drunk Lieutenant Dan

A: Exactly, that was just part of the character.

DAV: Excellent! Because, you see, we were worried that it would disappoint some of the veterans if he showed up like that. We were hoping he would be more like the clean cut Lieutenant Dan with prosthetic legs from the end of the movie. Could we get him to look like that?

A: Well, I guess his hair is shorter now, but I think you’re still missing the point. Gary Sinise has done lots of other roles since he played Lieutenant Dan. He has been starring in CSI: New York for several years. Perhaps you have seen him in that show?

DAV: Now hold on one minute. You mean to tell me that you represent Lieutenant Dan AND the guy from CSI?

A: They are the same… Well, yes, I guess you could say that.

DAV: That’s incredible. So I am just thinking out loud now, but maybe we could include the guy from CSI in the commercial too. I am envisioning him saying something heartfelt about disabled veterans, and then slowly removing his sunglasses for effect. What do you think?

A: I think you are confused again. The guy with the sunglasses is David Caruso. He is in CSI: Miami. I do not represent him. I represent Gary Sinise, who is in CSI: New York, and played Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump.

Not Lieutenant Dan

DAV: No, I think you are the one who is confused. I am quite sure that the guy from CSI takes off his sunglasses for effect. But you’re saying that you only represent Lieutenant Dan.

A: No, CTI represents many famous people. For example, we represent Sidney Poitier, Andre Agassi, Gwen Stefani, and Guy Fieri.

DAV: You represent Guy Fieri? I heard that guy’s food is terrible. This conversation is over. Good day sir.

A: You don’t have to hire Guy Fi-

DAV: I said good day!

[Silence]

DAV: Are you still there?

A: Yes, but I don’t know why.

DAV: After thinking it over, I would still like to hire Lieutenant Dan, even if we can’t get the guy from CSI, but you can’t make me hire Guy Fieri for catering.

A: I suppose I can agree to those terms. Mr. Sinise, err, Lieutenant Dan’s fee for a commercial is $100,000. Are you able to pay that?

DAV: Will he be wearing his prosthetic legs?

A: No, the prosthetic legs were a movie prop. He does not actually have prosthetic legs.

DAV: How much extra would it take for him to amputate the legs so he could wear prosthetics in the commercial?

A: I highly doubt that Lieutenant Dan will be willing to amputate his legs for a commercial.

DAV: Will you at least ask him?

A: No, I will not ask him. Would you like me to fax over the paperwork for his appearance fee?

DAV: Fine. I will make the check payable to Lieutenant Dan.

A: Why don’t you make the check out to his accountant. His name is Sinese. S-i-n-i-s-e. First name Gary.

DAV: That works for me. The check will be in the mail.

A few months later, the following commercial hit the air.

Dear North, We’re Ready to Talk Again

From: The South

Dear North,

One Hundred and Fifty years ago, you lashed out at our region and aggressively suppressed our sovereign decision to secede from your union. You took the thing we held dearest of all- racism- and told us we had to find more clever ways to do it than owning black people as slaves. It was an unjustifiable act, and one we certainly did not forgive nor forget.

For the century and a half since you used your military to take our slaves away, we have been plotting our revenge on you. We tried finding other ways to enslave black people- like sharecropping and segregation-, but many of them eventually just left for your northern cities. We even tried getting Southerners elected President so we could exact our vengeance through politics, but the ones who got through to the office, like Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, were too weak willed to do what needed to be done.

Over time, we infiltrated your society to learn about what makes you tick. We took part in your “education” system and found out how to be more strategic in our attacks. One of the things we learned was that you have to hit your adversary where it hurts him the most, and we saw when we were at these “colleges” that there is nothing you yanks love more than going to college and identifying with the place that educated you. That’s when we formulated our most devious plan yet.

For the last 30 years, we have been developing a complex, long-term attack to turn your greatest source of pride into a subject of shame and embarrassment. That’s right, we have turned your colleges into a joke by dominating them year after year in college football, and there is nothing you can do about it.

In 1991, we expanded the Southeastern Conference and set out to make it a symbol of southern power. Some of the more perceptive northerners have come to realize that fans of rival SEC schools cheer on their adversaries when the play teams from outside the South. Of course we do! SEC pride is the last acceptable euphemism for our virulent racism now that everyone knows that “heritage” and the Confederate flag have no legitimate uses.

What we did from there was the really ingenious part. We started spending all of our state funds on these college football teams so you northern states who like to pay for things like healthcare and K-12 public schools could not compete with us. We hired the coaches with the best reputations and paid off the people who host bowls so all of the important games would be in our own back yards. The secret part was that we also started to pay some of the top players to come play for our teams, but every few years we accuse each other of cheating so nobody will figure out that the system is actually run by the conference. Remember when Mississippi State complained that Auburn paid Cam Newton to play for them? That was just to throw you off of our scent.

At first, we were not quite subtle enough.

You probably think that we sound like a Bond villain, telling you our evil plan and giving you a chance to stop it. But it is already too late. We have created a vicious cycle that will keep embarrassing your colleges every year. We built a few great teams, so now everyone thinks the players in the south are inherently better. Then they rank us at the top of the polls every year based on our “talent,” and we only play non-conference games against local also-rans like McNeese State and Alabama A&M. When we finally beat up on each other in conference games, people just assume that the conference is impossibly tough, even though none of the teams are all that good. Seriously, what has Georgia ever won? And they are ranked in the top 10 every year. That way, when our other teams beat Georgia, it looks like they’ve accomplished something. Of course, we do have some nice bowl wins against northern teams, but what do you expect to happen when a team built to win the Big 10 in cold weather travels to play Florida in Florida under perfect conditions? We have controlled all the variables, and the system will never get better for you.

By now, you can probably see how hopeless the situation has become for your beloved colleges and their football teams. Nothing you can do will change the system, and once we have college football playoffs, there will be even more SEC teams in the final four to embarrass your cold weather teams in our stadiums.

There is still hope for you because we are willing to offer a treaty. Our offer is simple. We will secede from the BCS and let you go back to having good football teams and being proud of your colleges. In exchange, you must also let us secede from your silly Union and let us go back to having our slaves. That probably sounds extreme based on what you have believed all your life, but do you really want us around anymore? You lionize Abraham Lincoln for keeping the USA in one piece, but what are we offering you other than morbid obesity and illiteracy? Now is your chance to rectify that historical mistake.

If you would like to accept our offer, meet us in the neutral territory. We have just the place picked out- Appomattox court house. We suggest you act quickly, because the way this college football season is shaping up, it may end with your beloved Notre Dame being slaughtered mercilessly by Alabama. And we all know that there is nothing white northerners like more than Notre Dame. This is your last chance. Let us secede from your country, and we will secede from your football.

Sincerely,

The South

Economic Recovery Hits Young Adults Hardest

By Penelope Coleman

NEW YORK- Numbers released over the last month by the Bureau of Labor Statistics indicate that the American economy has started a slow rebound back to healthy growth after several years of recession or stagnation. Recent college graduates, a demographic hit especially hard by the economic slowdown, have started to enter the workplace at a record pace. As they do so, they are learning that their long-awaited jobs are not as desirable as they once hoped.

“It totally sucks, man,” said Mike Huckleberry, a 2011 Rutgers graduate with a Bachelor’s degree in Communications. “I took this job selling advertising for the Newark Star-Ledger and I never realized that it would become, like, my whole freaking life.” Mr. Huckleberry included in his list of complaints being tired all the time from getting up at 7:45 AM, having to plan his meals up to a day in advance to make sure he has enough food to pack a lunch, and not being able to catch up on ESPN’s slate of daytime talk shows such as First Take, Around the Horn, and College Football Live.

Mr. Huckleberry's halcyon days.

The workplace itself has been a veritable minefield for these young professionals. Experienced workers nationwide have taken note of the fact that these new employees need breaks at least once every hour and seem to think that the dryer is an appropriate substitute for an ironing board even though their clothes remain exceedingly wrinkly. Perhaps most annoying are the constant, frantic attempts to minimize Facebook and Twitter windows when coworkers enter their cubicles, despite the fact that no one cares what they are doing with their time. These experienced workers have expressed some frustration, but feel confident that the newer workers will eventually learn the time-tested methods for wasting hours at work, such as carrying on lengthy conversations about what happened over the weekend in colleagues' offices or scheduling unnecessary meetings and expensing coffee and donuts to the company account.

Even the work-related activities have proven to be far less engaging that previously anticipated. According to Mr. Huckleberry, “I interned at a radio station in college and it always seemed like I was the only one who didn’t have anything going on. I figured it was because I was just an intern and nobody trusted me to do anything important. Nope. Now that I am a salaried, full-time employee, I still somehow have about 2 hours of work to do in an 8-hour work day.” To cover for his lack of productivity, Mr. Huckleberry often circles the office floor to gather details on his coworkers’ projects so he has issues to talk about when his superiors ask him how thing are going.

One of the unforeseen consequences of young adults getting jobs is that many of them have moved out of their parents’ houses into vastly inferior rental apartments that they can afford. These apartments share little in common with college dorms that have on-site laundry facilities, communal bathrooms that are professionally cleaned every day, and dining halls that purchase, prepare, and clean up after meals for a small fee. Instead, these young adults are finding that the indignity of moving back home after college was a blessing in disguise as they navigate the choppy waters of taking care of themselves. On balance, most are discovering that the shame of sneaking into one’s childhood bedroom at 3 AM is worth the free food, lodging, and cleaning that comes with it.

Many new professionals are finding that the problems associated with professional life do not start and stop at the office door. For instance, new hires often feel pressured to attend office happy hours and other social events put on by coworkers. Jill Crockett, who recently took her first job selling car insurance for Liberty Mutual after 18 months of unemployment, explains that these happy hours are often anything but. “First of all, everyone wants to go to these stuffy downtown bars that are pitch black right after work. They always forget that I am broke, then they start ordering appetizers for the table that I can’t afford. Then everyone orders white wine or fancy cocktails, so I can’t really get away with having a cheap beer and I end up drinking a martini to fit in. I don’t even like olives, so ordering a martini is basically like ordering a glass full of cold gin. It tastes so gross that I have to drink it extremely slowly, which mean I can’t even get a buzz while I have to listen to these fat middle-aged people lie about how good their kids are at tennis or jazz trombone. I spend the whole time checking my phone to see if enough time has passed for me to get out of there so I can go home and watch half of Homeland before I fall asleep on the couch and start the sequence over again the next morning.”

The Presidential candidates have yet to weigh in on this burgeoning opposition to job growth. So far, both candidates have supported policies that aim to grow the economy and put more Americans to work. Recently, though, some pundits have speculated that Mitt Romney may target Barack Obama’s youthful base with promises of job-killing measures that would help take them out of the workforce for the foreseeable future. While the move is seen as a political gamble, promises of layoffs may be the type of tradition-bucking move that could put the challenger in the driver’s seat.