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Dear North,
One Hundred and Fifty
years ago, you lashed out at our region and aggressively suppressed our
sovereign decision to secede from your union. You took the thing we held
dearest of all- racism- and told us we had to find more clever ways to do it
than owning black people as slaves. It was an unjustifiable act, and one we
certainly did not forgive nor forget.
For the century and a
half since you used your military to take our slaves away, we have been
plotting our revenge on you. We tried finding other ways to enslave black
people- like sharecropping and segregation-, but many of them eventually just
left for your northern cities. We even tried getting Southerners elected
President so we could exact our vengeance through politics, but the ones who
got through to the office, like Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, were too weak
willed to do what needed to be done.
Over time,
we infiltrated your society to learn about what makes you tick. We took part in
your “education” system and found out how to be more strategic in our attacks.
One of the things we learned was that you have to hit your adversary where it
hurts him the most, and we saw when we were at these “colleges” that there is
nothing you yanks love more than going to college and identifying with the
place that educated you. That’s when we formulated our most devious plan yet.
For the last
30 years, we have been developing a complex, long-term attack to turn your
greatest source of pride into a subject of shame and embarrassment. That’s
right, we have turned your colleges into a joke by dominating them year after
year in college football, and there is nothing you can do about it.
In 1991, we
expanded the Southeastern Conference and set out to make it a symbol of southern
power. Some of the more perceptive northerners have come to realize that fans
of rival SEC schools cheer on their adversaries when the play teams from
outside the South. Of course we do! SEC pride is the last acceptable euphemism
for our virulent racism now that everyone knows that “heritage” and the
Confederate flag have no legitimate uses.
What we did
from there was the really ingenious part. We started spending all of our state
funds on these college football teams so you northern states who like to pay
for things like healthcare and K-12 public schools could not compete with us.
We hired the coaches with the best reputations and paid off the people who host
bowls so all of the important games would be in our own back yards. The secret
part was that we also started to pay some of the top players to come play for
our teams, but every few years we accuse each other of cheating so nobody will
figure out that the system is actually run by the conference. Remember when
Mississippi State complained that Auburn paid Cam Newton to play for them? That
was just to throw you off of our scent.
| At first, we were not quite subtle enough. |
You probably
think that we sound like a Bond villain, telling you our evil plan and giving
you a chance to stop it. But it is already too late. We have created a vicious
cycle that will keep embarrassing your colleges every year. We built a few
great teams, so now everyone thinks the players in the south are inherently
better. Then they rank us at the top of the polls every year based on our “talent,”
and we only play non-conference games against local also-rans like McNeese
State and Alabama A&M. When we finally beat up on each other in conference
games, people just assume that the conference is impossibly tough, even though
none of the teams are all that good. Seriously, what has Georgia ever won? And
they are ranked in the top 10 every year. That way, when our other teams beat
Georgia, it looks like they’ve accomplished something. Of course, we do have
some nice bowl wins against northern teams, but what do you expect to happen
when a team built to win the Big 10 in cold weather travels to play Florida in
Florida under perfect conditions? We have controlled all the variables, and the
system will never get better for you.
By now, you
can probably see how hopeless the situation has become for your beloved
colleges and their football teams. Nothing you can do will change the system,
and once we have college football playoffs, there will be even more SEC teams
in the final four to embarrass your cold weather teams in our stadiums.
There is
still hope for you because we are willing to offer a treaty. Our offer is
simple. We will secede from the BCS and let you go back to having good football
teams and being proud of your colleges. In exchange, you must also let us
secede from your silly Union and let us go back to having our slaves. That
probably sounds extreme based on what you have believed all your life, but do
you really want us around anymore? You lionize Abraham Lincoln for keeping the
USA in one piece, but what are we offering you other than morbid obesity and
illiteracy? Now is your chance to rectify that historical mistake.
If you would
like to accept our offer, meet us in the neutral territory. We have just the
place picked out- Appomattox court house. We suggest you act quickly, because
the way this college football season is shaping up, it may end with your
beloved Notre Dame being slaughtered mercilessly by Alabama. And we all know
that there is nothing white northerners like more than Notre Dame. This is your
last chance. Let us secede from your country, and we will secede from your
football.
Sincerely,
The South
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