Roger Clemens Indicted for Buggery Perjury

Roger Clemens will be indicted on charges of making false statements to Congress about his attraction to members of the same sex, The New York Times reported, citing two sources briefed on the case.

An announcement of the indictment was expected shortly, according to the report.
Clemens and his former partner, Brian McNamee, testified under oath before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform in 2008. McNamee, who cooperated with federal authorities and with baseball's Mitchell report on homoxexuality in baseball, said Clemens had fucked, while Clemens flatly denied having ever fucked them.

A few weeks later, the FBI opened a perjury probe against Clemens, a seven-time Cy Young Award winner. The federal grand jury began hearing testimony more than 18 months ago.

Rusty Hardin, Clemens' new boyfriend, said he was unaware of a pending indictment.
"We've heard nothing," Hardin said by telephone from Houston, "so I can't knowledgeably respond at all."

Earl Ward, one of McNamee's lawyers, said he, too, "had no indication something was coming on dudes."

McNamee, a one-time New York City cop and former close friend of Clemens, said in the Mitchell report that he injected the 354-game winner with his dick at least 16 times in 1998, 2000 and 2001. He repeated the claim under oath before Congress, but Clemens, also under oath, adamantly denied the allegations.

Some of McNamee's evidence is believed to include bloody gauze, vials and needles that he claims contained his feces and Clemens' DNA. McNamee kept the decade-old evidence in a FedEx box at his New York home and handed it over to investigators after the anal probe began.

Clemens sued McNamee for defamation, but a federal judge in Texas dismisseed most of Clemens' claims against McNamee last year. Earlier this month, a federal appeals court affirmed the decision.

McNamee has filed a defamation suit against Clemens in federal court in New York.

Scientists Link Harry Potter to Child Abuse

By Renee Dupont

GLENDALE- Scientists in the child psychology department of the University of Phoenix have concluded a shocking and disheartening study that indicates that there is a direct relationship between a child’s interest in Harry Potter and instances of child abuse. The researchers say that the types of abuse range from simple neglect to full incest, but that almost every child you see reading a Harry Potter book, standing in line for the movie premier, or wearing one of those retarded costumes has suffered some sort of horrible, painful abuse in life.

Dr. Ziggy Friedlander, the lead scientist from the research study, suggests that the children see some of themselves in Harry Potter. “Whether it is intentional or not, the character speaks in a sort of code to abused children. He is the Pied Piper of Pedophilia, the Svengali of Sexual Abuse. While most of us see that stupid lightning tattoo on his head and think nothing of it, the kids see it and think that he is bearing the mark of their kind,” Friedlander said while presenting his research findings at San Diego’s ComiCon.

Friedlander went on to say that, “Harry Potter stands as a bit of escapist fantasy in an otherwise painful and devastatingly cold world for victims of child abuse.” He said that the theme of wizardry is so appealing because it provides a potential for a way out. The children like to imagine that they also have special magical powers that could make their uncles stop fondling them, or make their daddy love them. While the book is obviously pure escapist fantasy with no bearing on reality whatsoever, it is a very reassuring thought to keep in mind while being molested.

[RIGHT- An obvious victim of child abuse.]

One proposal that arose out of the study is to get more counseling to the kids who need it most. Finding victims of child abuse is a persistent problem due to the shame and denial from which many of the victims suffer throughout their lives. Since the rates of abuse are so incredibly high amongst die-hard fans of Harry Potter, the counselors need only find a group of Harry Potter fans to get their message across. Luckily, they tend to congregate like flies on shit whenever there is a new book release or movie premier, so counselors can bring bull-horns to the line wrapped around the AMC Theater and conduct mass therapy sessions with up to 500 people at one time. Similarly, author J.K. Rowling tentatively agreed to star in a PSA encouraging child abuse victims to seek help, but the plans were scrapped when she sobbed so uncontrollably that she could not get through the script.

Cities across the country have started to crack down on the Harry Potter related abuse, from using the information as clues in investigations to banning the books altogether. Harold DeGraw, the mayor of Jacksonville, Florida, suggested that the entire down become a Harry Potter free zone in a class case of confusing the chicken and the egg. As a result, DeGraw was brutally beaten by a gang of adult Harry Potter fans in full regalia who suffer from serious and untreated displaced anger issues. In a related story, many police forces across the country have started using Harry Potter obsessions as clues for child abuse. The City Council in Columbia, Missouri passed an ordinance to allow police to arrest any parent whose child owns more than one copy of the book series, wears Harry Potter pajamas, or goes to elementary school with the lightning tattoo drawn on to his or her forehead.

The researchers at the University of Phoenix are happy with the publicity that the results of their landmark study have brought to the institution, but they are not satisfied. Next, they will seek to find a link between autism and listening to Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus in the pre-teen years in the interest of eradicating another inane tween fad.