Racist Scouting Reports

By Skip Procter

OMAHA- I’ve been in the business of scouting ball players for forty-odd years now. I guess you could say that I’ve forgotten more baseball players than Theo Epstein and his band of merry pocket-protector wearing idiots will ever see. As a kid, I saw Willie Mays steal home plate and Mickey Mantle hit a 700 foot homerun to dead center field of a football stadium. These days, you hear a lot about steroids, but that’s just the newest drug in town. I’ve seen players make All-Star Games after they were smack fiends like Josh Hamilton, cokeheads like Doc Gooden, acid trippers like Doc Ellis, greenie poppers like Reggie Jackson, pot heads like Manny Ramirez, or just plain old drunks like everyone on the 1964 Cleveland Indians.

Over my long career in baseball, I have noticed a few things that make my job a lot easier. The first time a construction worker tries to hang a door, it’s going to take him a few tries, but once he’s done it a few hundred times, he develops shortcuts. I am the same way with baseball players. These days, you can just give me the name of a hot prospect and I can tell you what he’s good at, what he’s bad at, and what he needs to work on if he ever wants to make it to the show. I never have to see him play, look at his statistics, or hear a word about his background to know how his career will shape up. I’ll give you a few examples.

Yu Darvish, SP, Nippon Ham Fighters, Japan- You always have to be careful around oriental pitchers. They always try to use tricky pitches to sneak up on you instead of just bringing the heat like a real man. When was the last time you saw an oriental pitcher challenge a hitter with the old number one over the plate? The reason they don’t do it is because they’re weak minded people. This kid Darvish needs to develop a more confident mound presence. Bob Feller- now there was a pitcher. He could throw it 103 miles an hour when he wanted to. He stood up there tall and strong and dared the batter to take his best cut. Darvish isn’t cut from the same cloth as the great starters like Feller. He’s too weak and bashful to intimidate a hitter, and the last thing you want to do is to get a starting pitcher who is afraid to throw strikes. You get a pitcher who wants to commit Harry Carrey on the mound, and it can kamikaze your whole pitching staff. I don’t care what the other scouts say; I’d stay away from this one.

Manuel Machado, SS, Miami Brito HS, Florida- Machado is what I would describe as a high-ceiling toolsy infield prospect. He is a gamble because he has great athleticism and all five tools, but there is a real possibility that he never develops the discipline needed to harness his immense talents. Off the field, Machado has several question marks. He has a fiery Latin temper that could get him into trouble, and he probably has had problems with alcoholism and/or domestic violence in the past. There are also some makeup questions with Machado in the clubhouse- coaches wonder if he has the drive necessary to become a truly great player, or if he is satisfied with taking home a paycheck. There are also some questions about his age, as he was born in the Dominican Republic and may have a falsified birth certificate. All we know is that he is somewhere between 16 and 39 years old.



[LEFT- Machado has talent, but he's still got a lot to prove.]

Desmond Jennings, OF, Durham Bulls, AAA- Jennings is another world class athlete, but unfortunately the big leagues aren’t a track and field contest. Jennings is going to have to get his ego under control and learn how to play as a member of a team. He has a lot of maturity issues, but that’s common for children who grow up in large families with single mothers who are addicted to crack as I assume Jennings must have been. If Jennings can get his anger issues under control, he could become a truly special player, just as long as he doesn’t talk back to his manager.

Phillippe Aumont, RP, Tacoma Raniers, AAA- I don’t trust the French.

Grady Sizemore, OF, Cleveland Indians- Here’s another guy who has great speed and strength, but might not have the character to make it in the major leagues. All the physical talent in the world isn’t going to make a difference if you… What’s that? Oh, apparently Grady Sizemore is a white guy. I had no idea. In that case, I’m sure he has his head screwed on straight and he hustles on every play. I’m just not sure if he has the athletic ability to become a superstar-caliber player.


[RIGHT- 'Posey' is a name you can trust when the game is on the line.]

Buster Posey, C, San Francisco Giants, Rookie- I like the cut of this kid’s jib. Strong jaw line. He’s a real gamer. Even if this guy is grinding, you can count on him to gut out a hustle double, or make the heads up play in the field. He probably looks good in a pair of jeans, too. I can just imagine him at the plate- no batting gloves, pine tar all over his batting helmet, sanitary socks with stirrups and his pants up to his knees- that’s the stuff that Hall of Fame players are made out of. I see him having the same sort of great career as Babe Ruth, Boomer Wells, Flash Gordon and Nuke LaLoosh. Plus, if this whole baseball thing doesn’t work out for him, he could always transition seamlessly into porn without having to change his name.

See? It’s not so hard to put together a scouting report on a player. And if you think my reasoning is flawed, check back with these guys in five years and see if I’m wrong on any of them. Darvish will be an overpaid fourth starter who walks too many batters and piles up huge pitch counts. Machado will be a top prospect with production that lags behind his skills and at least one contract dispute in his past. Jennings will have multiple disciplinary problems, Jennings will have given up, and Posey will be on the cover of a video game. Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

New Links

There are now links to share articles under the text. There is a link to e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, and something called Google Buzz. Google Buzzes? I thought those things were a World Cup fad.

Anyway, share away, Chinese hackers who post cryptic messages on every entry!

Obama Apologizes After Landmark Legislative Victories

By Talia Applegate

THE ROSE GARDEN- President Obama celebrated Congressional victories on financial market regulation and unemployment insurance this week by issuing a blanket apology today. Many pundits believed that his afternoon press conference would be a celebration, but it quickly turned into a cathartic expression of shame and remorse by a beaten man.

“I’d like to apologize, first of all, to all of the Americans who will be touched by this new legislation we have passed. I think of unemployment insurance in difficult economic times as a good thing for the American people, but my time as president has taught me that everyone is probably going to be pissed off, so I figured I would get the apology out of the way at the beginning,” Obama told reporters gathered in the Rose Garden. “Also, let me say that I am sincerely sorry to all of the reporters here today that we had to perform the press conference outdoors in this sweltering Washington heat. I considered using the press briefing room, but thought it was a little stuffy, so we moved out here, and now that I see how much you are sweating, I realize that I made a grave mistake. I assure you that my administration will not let it happen again.”

Obama took a somber tone when he addressed the state of his administration and its achievements. “Many analysts point to my first year and a half in office and say that it has been a great success. We passed a record economic stimulus package that saved millions of jobs, an overhaul of the healthcare system, and a financial industry reform bill that will help prevent meltdowns like the one that landed us in this recession, all while responding to the cataclysmic oil spill in the Gulf. But I have seen my poll numbers, and I want to express my deep regret to the American public that I have not been what they wanted me to be. On the campaign trail, I believed that Americans wanted me to work through the political process to repair a broken system so everyone’s voice could be heard. Extensive focus group work, though, has taught me what Americans really want: a morning show host with a Justin Bieber haircut who complains about what a terrible person Mel Gibson is and signs off with ‘Obama out.’ Finally, I would like to conclude my remarks by addressing those who have said that my administration has been too apologetic. I am very sorry that I have apologized for so many of my achievements. I will not let it happen again, but please accept my heartfelt apology for doing so.”

[LEFT- Obama's approval ratings have apparently caused to his head, causing irreparable brain damage.]

Academics have pointed out that Obama has been highly successful in many facets of his presidency so far, but that his triumphs have not translated into popularity or improved quality of life for most Americans. For instance, Obama has historically high marks in logical consistency. Logicians who study presidential speeches and press releases say that Obama’s claims achieve valid and sound logical status 83% of the time, which compares favorably to Bill Clinton, who was logical 71% of the time. Newt Gingerich has the highest marks for a modern republican at 73% logical, while Ronald Reagan’s statements achieved logical soundness only 11% of the time. George W. Bush brought up the rear of the study at negative eleventy billion% logical. Similarly, Obama has done a remarkable job at managing the news cycle. Even when he receives negative publicity, he plays damage control to make sure he has control over the message. In fact, he has come out ahead in a larger proportion of news cycles than any politician since John Kerry, who was about as well-liked as Obama is now. John Edwards previously held the record until he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife with a slutty publicist then paid her to keep the relationship and resulting child secret.

Meanwhile, Americans at large have become disinterested in political battles in Washington as their circumstances remain uncertain. As the unemployment rates stays high and out of work citizens struggle to pay their bills, an increasing number of Americans tune out national politics. In a recent Harris Interactive poll that asked if respondents felt hat President Obama was doing a good job of accomplishing his policy goals, 4% said yes, 3% said no, while 91% frantically asked which response would look better on a resume, because they haven’t worked in 18 months and they can no longer get a line of credit from the bank to buy diapers for their toddler, and they are about to have to hock grandma’s diamond earrings at a pawn shop even though they have been in the family for 3 generations because the mortgage rate keeps going up and Timmy needs new glasses and they’re really expensive because they no longer have health insurance since Cobra ran out six months ago. The remaining 2% were undecided.

Republicans have taken flack for refusing to use their legislative authority to address the nation’s struggling economy. For their part, most republicans say that the economy seems to be improving, as there are no signs of poverty or struggle in their gated communities.

Some policy analysts believe that the situation is hopeless for Obama because there is no way for the economy to improve. Ira Rosenthal of the New Republic believes that America has shot itself in the foot by using its ingenuity to invent more and more ways to avoid doing work. “America came to prominence in the middle part of the 20th century as a manufacturing power. When companies realized that they could build the same goods overseas with lower labor costs, they were intrigued, but faced too much uncertainty. Then, in the 1980s, Americans started developing computers that enhanced productivity and allowed companies to replace workers with machines to cut labor costs at home. In the 1990s, they innovated new software and the internet that opened up world markets through globalization and took away any advantage companies had to keeping their operations in America. In the 2000s, complicated financial tools were used to make it look like the inventions of the 80s and 90s had not completely crippled the American economy, so we were 10 years behind in responding to the fact that we have an economy where people demand a great deal, but produce nothing of actual value. America’s only real hope for economic growth is outpacing China at developing green technology to establish the economies of scale that could make electric cars, wind turbines, solar panels, and nuclear generators viable for the whole world, but we have collectively decided that green technology is kinda gay, so we’re going to let the emerging Asian economies do the heavy lifting.”

Meanwhile, other analysts believe that Obama’s constant capitulation is part of a larger strategy of hitting rock bottom. Appearing incompetent, paying no attention to the faltering economy, and getting crushed in the midterm elections, they argue, will make people feel sorry for the President. And since Americans love a reclamation project, he can pretend to develop a drinking problem, join the cast of Celebrity Rehab, appoint Dr. Drew as the Secretary of Health and Human Services, and revamp his administration with a Celebreality vibe. Firing USDA official Shirley Sherrod for a quotation that was taken out of context was part of this plan, according to many of these same experts, because there is no other semi-reasonable explanation for why Obama would follow the requests of a right-wing polemicist-blogger without investigating the details.

Another source who is well-connected to the inner-dealings of the White House says the strategy has been laid out from the start. Obama has spent the last year stalling on the economy so he can start passing policies that will help improve it just in time to lose the 2012 election, get a cushy consulting job and hit the speaking tours, then rake in the tax cuts that Sarah Palin will inevitably give to him and all of the other displaced CEOs from the last decade.

This Airport Chilis Too is What’s Up!

By Alvin Simonson

HOUSTON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT- When I woke up this morning, I was staring down the barrel of a long day of traveling: I started in Charlotte, headed for St. Louis, but for some reason the geniuses at United Airlines decided to route me through Houston. Even though the diversion more than doubles the total distance of the trip, they decided to leave me in Texas for almost three hours with absolutely nothing to entertain me. One interesting thing I learned is that- contrary to common sense- the Houston International Airport decided to hide all of its restrooms so nobody can find them. I nearly shit myself while traipsing through two terminals in search of a commode. Suffice to say, the day did not start out the way that I hoped it would.

What I didn’t expect was that the direction of my day was rerouted faster than a 737 full of Muslims. I decided to kill a few minutes by grabbing a bite to eat at the airport’s Chilis Too, and it warmed my soul faster than a trip to a posh rehab facility for Lindsay Lohan. I know, I know- airport dining options are usually not the cream of the crop. But Chilis defies the stereotype, and I think their commercial gives away their secret: it’s really all in the pepperation. Instead of a menu full of hastily delivered, pre-fab cardboard, Chils Too really delivers the goods- and I don’t mean Chilis curbside to go.

Let me start with the décor. While most airport restaurants have plain, white walls and brightly colored tables bolted to the floor that look like they were all installed the same day in 1979, Chilis Too is warm and inviting, like a mother’s uterus. Rather than stools bolted to the ground, Chilis Too had real chairs that were able to slide around the floor. The tables weren’t “clean,” per se, but I ate a chip off of it and didn’t get sick, so there’s nothing to complain about on that front. The tile and the walls had a really hip Southwestern-y feel that reminded me of that time I visited my Grandma at her retirement community in Sun City West. I loved the retirement community other than the thick stench of used adult diapers and Brut aftershave, so the fact that this Chilis Too had no whiff of aftershave makes it pretty close to my ideal environment.

My mom always tells me that the best restaurants are the ones that are the busiest. I have adhered to her advice for years, and let me tell you that it has brought me to many a glorious McDonald's across our great land. With that run of success in mind, I was secretly glad that I had to stand at the “Please Wait to Be Seated” sign for 10 minutes before anyone came to seat me. I was a little confused since most of the tables were empty, but I didn’t see any waitresses the whole time, so they must have been busy in some other part of the restaurant that I wasn’t able to see from the entrance. Or where I sat. Or near the bathroom when I went to wash my hands. Come to think of it, it’s odd that the waitresses were so busy in a seemingly invisible section of the restaurant, but I’ll assume that they must have been occupied, because if you’ve got time to lean you’ve got time to clean, and the restaurant wasn’t very clean. Anyway, ignorance is bliss.

When I finally got to my table, I was immediately impressed with the restaurant’s musical selection. It’s easy for a restaurant to murder the atmosphere by trying to please everyone with the most vanilla option imaginable. Not this time- Chilis Too pleased its customers' eardrums with selections from Madonna’s best hits of the 1980s and some excellent GooGoo Dolls selections. When I eat a meal, I like for all of my senses to achieve satisfaction, so these kitchy cult hits were right up my alley. Kudos to the ad wizard who did such a phenomenal job of setting the scene for a similarly pleasing meal.

The waitress quickly came to my table to ask me what I wanted to drink, and I had a tough time answering her for two reasons. Not only was I still taking in all of the exciting surroundings, I was also smitten with her rumpled, haggard, slightly above-average appearance. One of her flair pieces was a picture of a kid who appeared to be her pre-teen son, but I have no problem with that. If I do get her number, it’s not like I’m going to be around long enough to have any responsibility with the kid, and the fact that she has the kid means she’s almost certainly available, loose, and semi-desperate. Needless to say, my mind continued to wander enough that she gave me some more time to start looking over my drink options.

[RIGHT- Don't tease me, woman!]

And look over the drink options I did! Who would have thought that an airport Chilis Too would have such a thrilling cocktail selection? I eventually settled on the Top Shelf Margarita because that’s how I roll- top shelf all the way, baby. I'm not talking about that weak ass rail shit; the Chilis Too Top Shelf Margarita is built on a strong foundation of the always delicious Jose Cuervo tequila. It’s one of my personal favorites. I only had one because I didn’t want to get drunk and belligerent before boarding my flight because my last trip to Hartford still haunts me. I’m trying to avoid any more black marks on my flying record.

On top of all of that, the menu, while somewhat abbreviated from the usual Chilis experience, was clearly put together by the expert chefs who were sent to Mexico to learn all of the recipes from the Chilis Pepperation afficianados. I opted for the Mesquite Chicken Salad. I had a hard time turning down the Chicken Crispers and the Southwest Bigmouth Burger, but travelling is hard on the gut, and even though it might be TMI, I don’t need any help from Chilis to be painfully constipated. That’s not a fate I want to impose on those in close quarters on the airplane. Still, the salad featured exquisite and fresh products from around the world- cilantro, black bean salsa, honey mustard dressing- a veritable cornucopia of the world’s finest dining.

As an experience, I rate Chilis Too as an 11 out of 10, because the 1-10 scale doesn’t do the big picture justice. My only regret is that I wasn’t there at night because I’m sure that the Chilis Too is bumpin for the afterhours crew, and I wish the waitress- who I maintain is a solid 6- could have finished her shift and joined me in the not mile high club. We could have solved the state secret of where the airport chose to stash their bathrooms. Who knows, maybe next time. I just know that I will be connecting to Houston wherever I am travelling next time, even if it’s Europe.

Activist Judges Curtail Freedom to Eat Disgusting Pseudofood

By Ned Melnick

DOVER- The judicial assault on freedom, liberty, individualism and the American Way continued this week when a radical leftwing judge struck down the formation of the Candwich company, a food retailer seeking to make it easier for everyone who is both a fan of sandwiches and heavily processed, canned foods to combine their passions. For those of you who have never seen a Candwich, it’s quite possibly the most American invention since the Hot Pocket- all the calories and carcinogens, but none of the burned tongues!

Candwich President Thomas Wright was a man with a dream. His dream was to convince people to give him gobs of money so he could live a lavish lifestyle without doing anything of any sort of substance. Between 2001 and 2009, Wright spent over $15 million of the $145 million he gathered from investors for personal expenses. Really, that amount is only slightly more than 10% of his total budget, and when quality sandwiches in a can are on the line, it would be absurd to ask the president of the company to live like anything less than a king. Great minds need to be catered to. That’s why we overlooked Benjamin Franklin and his underage French hookers, why we let Kennedy sleep with Marilyn Monroe and every other woman in the greater DC area in the 1960s, and why we turned a blind eye when Michael Steele burned through the RNC's budget in a crystal meth heartbeat. With an idea like Candwich, Wright deserved this same sort of treatment. It’s a freaking sandwich in a can. He doesn’t need a second act to prove his brilliance. What has Bill Gates invented since Windows? Nothing. But nobody cares. Candwich is far more delicious and revolutionary than any operating system that has ever been invented, so get off Wright’s back.

[RIGHT- "No, your honor, I don't think you understand. It's in a can. AND it's a sandwich. It's a fucking sandwich in a can! How can that be illegal?]

The crazy leftist judge who launched the attack on Wright and everything good that he stood for refused to even address the underlying issue of America’s lack of canned food and sandwiches. Supposedly, Wright told his investors that he was raising money for commercial real estate deals, and only spent $6 million of the money he raised on the types of ventures described in their contracts. The judge may have a point that the investors did not know what they were getting themselves into, but he should know as well as anyone that those peons don’t always do what is best for them. Sometimes, the simpletons that make up the general population need to be urged along by the great cattle prod of progress. Rome was not built in a day, nor was it built with funds raised for commercial real estate. If we adhere too strictly to the words of the contract, we will never get to the point where we don’t have to look in separate places to see canned food and a sandwich. Besides, it’s not like Candwich is that different than commercial real estate; Wright was just thinking ahead of the investors. If he had invested their money in grocery stores, restaurants, convenience stores, fast food joints, bakeries, delis, or pizza parlors, the investors would have had nothing to complain about. With Candwich, Wright would have made all of those enterprises unnecessary and antiquated. So in a way, he was actually doing what he told them he was going to do, but several years down the road.

The bigger problem in the court ruling is that it subverts the most fundamental rights upon which our country was founded. When James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, George Bush, and Samuel Adams got together to write the Constitution, they were focused primarily on three things: liberty, convenience, and deliciousness. Today, we know the Constitution as a living document because it has evolved to allow America to develop all sorts of innovations consistent with these principles in an ever changing world. For instance, the framers could never have anticipated that McDonalds would serve billions of Big Macs to patrons around the world, but they wrote the Constitution to specifically allow for Ray Kroc to try. Additionally, America has invented the Pop Tart, Diet Dr. Pepper, Lunchables, Stuffed Crust Pizza, the Five Buck Box, Gameday Lager, Chinese Food, KFC Extra Crispy Chicken, the KFC lunch buffet, the KFC Double Down and the KFC Famous Bowl. It’s in our very fabric as a nation to lead the way in Candwich technology. Are we going to outsource Candwich to India and have Tandoori Chicken on Garlic Naan in a can? Or will the Chinese lead the way with egg rolls in a can? All I can say is that I have seen plenty of pictures of Colonel Sanders, and he sure as hell ain’t have no slant eye.

Some lawyer types are probably trying to tell you that there is no fundamental right to can sandwiches in the Constitution and the government should be able to get up in that business. If you ask me, if the U.S. is going to stay out of your uterus, then I think it should also stay out of my can of ‘wich. Remember, just because something isn’t in the Constitution doesn’t mean that it isn’t a fundamental right with which the government cannot legally interfere. Just ask Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, whose decision in Heller v. District of Columbia established that the right to bear arms is a fundamental right because it is derived from the right of self-defense. Scalia says that the right of self-defense is fundamental because, as far as he can tell, it was really important to the founding fathers. Well I have never been so sure of anything as I am about the fact that the founding fathers held dear their hearts the fundamental right to can any and all foods. In their era, they didn’t have fancy inventions like refrigerators, walk-in freezers, or ice. They depended on canning for preservation, so they would be as proud as a stage mom at a NAMBLA convention if they ever saw a thing such as Candwich.

The time has come for America to reassert its dominance on a global scale, but it cannot be done if the activist court system continues to step on every innovation that enhances productivity. In the 1930s there was a thing in America called the Great Depression. In response, Primanti Brothers restaurant in Pittsburgh invented a sandwich with coleslaw and French fries between the two pieces of bread with the regular sandwich filling so workers could eat lunch while buying produce or driving a truck. Imagine how much more these workers were able to accomplish by not having to waste four minutes eating French fries. Now imagine how much worse the Great Depression would have been if the activist judges of that age got in the way of progress the way that judges are trying to do now. We are facing an economic malaise unlike any since the Great Depression, and we need to think outside the bun, just like the Primanti Brothers did in their era. Candwich is the solution we have needed. Candwich is the next phase of the American dream. Candwich is freedom.

Top "Apalooza’s" of All-Time

By Kermit Schneider

GREENWICH- The basketball world is agog with Lebronapalooza, as hoops star Lebron James chooses which city suits his quest for global stardom best. While Lebronapalooza has certainly captured the world’s imagination, fed it water and gruel, beaten it daily, and eventually made it respect the sheer rancor of its captor, it pales in comparison to some of the great Apaloozas of all the times. Today, we look back at some of the great Apaloozas of this generation and all that came before it.

Lollapalooza- No, I’m not talking about the giant lollipop that shares the same name; I’m talking about the 1990’s greatest music festival this side of the rioting mud people of Woodstock’s 25th anniversary. Lollapalooza was a jumping-off point for alternative rock acts like Rage Against the Machine, Pearl Jam, Jane’s Addiction, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Tool. How these bands got famous in the first place is a mystery to me, because I don’t think any of them were in the Mickey Mouse club or had a parent who was well-connected in the music business. Back then, Disney didn’t have to sign off on every new musician before they were allowed to be played on the radio, and it resulted in some pretty grotesque situations, like Rage Against the Machine performing naked on stage, and Pearl Jam singing songs about school shootings. Who wants that? Not me- I just wanna take a ride on your disco stick (that’s a Lady Gaga reference for those of you who no habla real pop music).

In any case, Lollapalooza was mainly meant for freaks and geeks who couldn’t call in fast enough to get tickets for NKOTB or Salt-N-Pepa. Lollapalooza founder Perry Farrell, the lead singer from Jane’s Addiction, said that the collective of fans who attended the event made up “Alternative Nation.” I don’t know why they would need an alternative nation when their original nation just bombed the shit out of Iraq in Desert Storm, but it wouldn’t be the first thing that put me at odds with Farrell. I mean, have you ever heard a Jane’s Addiction song? To say that he sings like the relentless braying of a stuck pick would be an insult to stuck pigs worldwide (although I doubt they would care since they are, after all, stuck pigs). I know Farrell had drug problems back in the day, but did he have to keep the recording gear rolling while he wailed in pain throughout his withdrawals in the rehab center’s deprivation chamber then set it to music and call the song Jane Says? My God, when that song comes on the radio, I start scratching my nails across a chalk board to drown out the sound. It makes me feel alive.

Another strike against Farrell is that he did not actually come up with the name Lollapalooza. In fact, Lollapalooza was used as a password during American military operations in the Pacific during World War II. The word identified American soldiers to one another, because they rightly assumed that the Japanese soldiers would have a hard time pronouncing the word. Sure enough, the Americans knew they had a spy on their hands every time they heard “Rorraparoora,” like the sound a dog makes when it has peanut butter stuck to the roof of its mouth. Why they didn’t just tell the spy to drive a supply truck up the road the let him swerve into a tree and kill himself is unclear. It would have been an easier option.

Kabbalahpalooza- Every year, followers of the Jewish sect known as Kabbalah get together for the part-convention, part-celebration known as Kabbalahpalooza. In the past, Madonna performed at the opening ceremony as an adherent to the group, but in more recent years, she has been unable to fit her enormous veins in the convention center. Kabbalah is meant to explain the connection between the connection between the secular and the supernatural, so without doing any research at all I’m going to venture a guess that Kabbalahpalooza spends a lot of time playing with Ouija boards. One drawback to Kabbalahpalooza is that the food sucks. Two years ago, it was held in Kansas City so the Jewish people- who are divided between the coasts and never enter states that don’t border an ocean- could reach it easily. For Shame that they had a week long convention in Kansas City and never a spare rib nor a burnt end crossed the lips of a participant. For Shame! Oh well, more bottom feeders for the rest of us, I suppose. When they do manage to get decent food, like the high end catering at the Chicago convention four years ago, they alienate the caterers by refusing to leave a tip. “It’s part of the job” my ass. Those people worked hard to fill your gullet! On the other hand, at least Kabbalahpalooza is a very fun word to read. Just look at it: Kabbalahpalooza, so long, yet with such variation. It almost looks like a hieroglyphic. I will go so far as to say that Kabbalahpalooza is 80% as fun to read as M. Night Shyamalan is to say. That might be going too far. I’ll say 75%. Are we good? Good.


[RIGHT- Seriously, Madge, it's called eating. Heard of it? And if not, it's called sleeves. Heard of it? And if not, it's called not going out in public so I don't have to see your creepy, anorexic, Skeletor body. Heard of... nevermind.]

That brings me to a related point. Who decided that the suffix indicated a festival would be “apalooza” rather than just “palooza?” I don’t see the word Lollapalooza and think that “Loll” is the first significant part of the word and “apalooza” is the second significant part. It should be broken down into “Lolla” and “palooza.” That division keeps funny sounding derivations like Kabbalahpalooza intact, but it weeds out the pretenders to the throne like, Sherlock Holmes-apalooza, High Tech Jobs-apalooza, and ReUse-apalooza. Actually, I like ReUse-apalooza. Good job, City of Toledo Conservation Marketing Director. You have earned your middling salary.

LaLapalooza- Not to be confused with Lollapalooza, LaLapalooza is my nickname for the sure-to-be-decadent wedding reception when Denver Nuggets superstar Carmelo Anthony finally swaps vows with his longtime fiancée and MTV VJ LaLa Vasquez in the Big Apple. All of the stars are will be out on the red carpet that night when the A-Listers tie to proverbial knot. The only thing that could go wrong is if Melo inks the proposed contract extension with the Denver Nuggets before the wedding, because as everybody knows, homegirl don’t do Denver. Anthony owns a palatial estate in Littleton, Colorado, which is not exactly a hotbed for expat Puerto Ricans who relocated to Brooklyn to pursue a career in showbiz. Then again, when the top two items on your resume are a cameo in Morris Chetnut’s “Two Can Play That Game,” and a role as the host of the reunion show to “For the Love of Ray Jay,” maybe you suck it up and live wherever your man is making $65 million. Then, she can change the name of her party from LaLapalooza to Dollapalooza. Sounds like another column. Nice.