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By Ned Melnick
DOVER- The judicial assault on freedom, liberty, individualism and the American Way continued this week when a radical leftwing judge struck down the formation of the Candwich company, a food retailer seeking to make it easier for everyone who is both a fan of sandwiches and heavily processed, canned foods to combine their passions. For those of you who have never seen a Candwich, it’s quite possibly the most American invention since the Hot Pocket- all the calories and carcinogens, but none of the burned tongues!
Candwich President Thomas Wright was a man with a dream. His dream was to convince people to give him gobs of money so he could live a lavish lifestyle without doing anything of any sort of substance. Between 2001 and 2009, Wright spent over $15 million of the $145 million he gathered from investors for personal expenses. Really, that amount is only slightly more than 10% of his total budget, and when quality sandwiches in a can are on the line, it would be absurd to ask the president of the company to live like anything less than a king. Great minds need to be catered to. That’s why we overlooked Benjamin Franklin and his underage French hookers, why we let Kennedy sleep with Marilyn Monroe and every other woman in the greater DC area in the 1960s, and why we turned a blind eye when Michael Steele burned through the RNC's budget in a crystal meth heartbeat. With an idea like Candwich, Wright deserved this same sort of treatment. It’s a freaking sandwich in a can. He doesn’t need a second act to prove his brilliance. Wha
t has Bill Gates invented since Windows? Nothing. But nobody cares. Candwich is far more delicious and revolutionary than any operating system that has ever been invented, so get off Wright’s back.
DOVER- The judicial assault on freedom, liberty, individualism and the American Way continued this week when a radical leftwing judge struck down the formation of the Candwich company, a food retailer seeking to make it easier for everyone who is both a fan of sandwiches and heavily processed, canned foods to combine their passions. For those of you who have never seen a Candwich, it’s quite possibly the most American invention since the Hot Pocket- all the calories and carcinogens, but none of the burned tongues!
Candwich President Thomas Wright was a man with a dream. His dream was to convince people to give him gobs of money so he could live a lavish lifestyle without doing anything of any sort of substance. Between 2001 and 2009, Wright spent over $15 million of the $145 million he gathered from investors for personal expenses. Really, that amount is only slightly more than 10% of his total budget, and when quality sandwiches in a can are on the line, it would be absurd to ask the president of the company to live like anything less than a king. Great minds need to be catered to. That’s why we overlooked Benjamin Franklin and his underage French hookers, why we let Kennedy sleep with Marilyn Monroe and every other woman in the greater DC area in the 1960s, and why we turned a blind eye when Michael Steele burned through the RNC's budget in a crystal meth heartbeat. With an idea like Candwich, Wright deserved this same sort of treatment. It’s a freaking sandwich in a can. He doesn’t need a second act to prove his brilliance. Wha
t has Bill Gates invented since Windows? Nothing. But nobody cares. Candwich is far more delicious and revolutionary than any operating system that has ever been invented, so get off Wright’s back. [RIGHT- "No, your honor, I don't think you understand. It's in a can. AND it's a sandwich. It's a fucking sandwich in a can! How can that be illegal?]
The crazy leftist judge who launched the attack on Wright and everything good that he stood for refused to even address the underlying issue of America’s lack of canned food and sandwiches. Supposedly, Wright told his investors that he was raising money for commercial real estate deals, and only spent $6 million of the money he raised on the types of ventures described in their contracts. The judge may have a point that the investors did not know what they were getting themselves into, but he should know as well as anyone that those peons don’t always do what is best for them. Sometimes, the simpletons that make up the general population need to be urged along by the great cattle prod of progress. Rome was not built in a day, nor was it built with funds raised for commercial real estate. If we adhere too strictly to the words of the contract, we will never get to the point where we don’t have to look in separate places to see canned food and a sandwich. Besides, it’s not like Candwich is that different than commercial real estate; Wright was just thinking ahead of the investors. If he had invested their money in grocery stores, restaurants, convenience stores, fast food joints, bakeries, delis, or pizza parlors, the investors would have had nothing to complain about. With Candwich, Wright would have made all of those enterprises unnecessary and antiquated. So in a way, he was actually doing what he told them he was going to do, but several years down the road.
The bigger problem in the court ruling is that it subverts the most fundamental rights upon which our country was founded. When James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, George Bush, and Samuel Adams got together to write the Constitution, they were focused primarily on three things: liberty, convenience, and deliciousness. Today, we know the Constitution as a living document because it has evolved to allow America to develop all sorts of innovations consistent with these principles in an ever changing world. For instance, the framers could never have anticipated that McDonalds would serve billions of Big Macs to patrons around the world, but they wrote the Constitution to specifically allow for Ray Kroc to try. Additionally, America has invented the Pop Tart, Diet Dr. Pepper, Lunchables, Stuffed Crust Pizza, the Five Buck Box, Gameday Lager, Chinese Food, KFC Extra Crispy Chicken, the KFC lunch buffet, the KFC Double Down and the KFC Famous Bowl. It’s in our very fabric as a nation to lead the way in Candwich technology. Are we going to outsource Candwich to India and have Tandoori Chicken on Garlic Naan in a can? Or will the Chinese lead the way with egg rolls in a can? All I can say is that I have seen plenty of pictures of Colonel Sanders, and he sure as hell ain’t have no slant eye.
Some lawyer types are probably trying to tell you that there is no fundamental right to can sandwiches in the Constitution and the government should be able to get up in that business. If you ask me, if the U.S. is going to stay out of your uterus, then I think it should also stay out of my can of ‘wich. Remember, just because something isn’t in the Constitution doesn’t mean that it isn’t a fundamental right with which the government cannot legally interfere. Just ask Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, whose decision in Heller v. District of Columbia established that the right to bear arms is a fundamental right because it is derived from the right of self-defense. Scalia says that the right of self-defense is fundamental because, as far as he can tell, it was really important to the founding fathers. Well I have never been so sure of anything as I am about the fact that the founding fathers held dear their hearts the fundamental right to can any and all foods. In their era, they didn’t have fancy inventions like refrigerators, walk-in freezers, or ice. They depended on canning for preservation, so they would be as proud as a stage mom at a NAMBLA convention if they ever saw a thing such as Candwich.
The time has come for America to reassert its dominance on a global scale, but it cannot be done if the activist court system continues to step on every innovation that enhances productivity. In the 1930s there was a thing in America called the Great Depression. In response, Primanti Brothers restaurant in Pittsburgh invented a sandwich with coleslaw and French fries between the two pieces of bread with the regular sandwich filling so workers could eat lunch while buying produce or driving a truck. Imagine how much more these workers were able to accomplish by not having to waste four minutes eating French fries. Now imagine how much worse the Great Depression would have been if the activist judges of that age got in the way of progress the way that judges are trying to do now. We are facing an economic malaise unlike any since the Great Depression, and we need to think outside the bun, just like the Primanti Brothers did in their era. Candwich is the solution we have needed. Candwich is the next phase of the American dream. Candwich is freedom.
The crazy leftist judge who launched the attack on Wright and everything good that he stood for refused to even address the underlying issue of America’s lack of canned food and sandwiches. Supposedly, Wright told his investors that he was raising money for commercial real estate deals, and only spent $6 million of the money he raised on the types of ventures described in their contracts. The judge may have a point that the investors did not know what they were getting themselves into, but he should know as well as anyone that those peons don’t always do what is best for them. Sometimes, the simpletons that make up the general population need to be urged along by the great cattle prod of progress. Rome was not built in a day, nor was it built with funds raised for commercial real estate. If we adhere too strictly to the words of the contract, we will never get to the point where we don’t have to look in separate places to see canned food and a sandwich. Besides, it’s not like Candwich is that different than commercial real estate; Wright was just thinking ahead of the investors. If he had invested their money in grocery stores, restaurants, convenience stores, fast food joints, bakeries, delis, or pizza parlors, the investors would have had nothing to complain about. With Candwich, Wright would have made all of those enterprises unnecessary and antiquated. So in a way, he was actually doing what he told them he was going to do, but several years down the road.
The bigger problem in the court ruling is that it subverts the most fundamental rights upon which our country was founded. When James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, George Bush, and Samuel Adams got together to write the Constitution, they were focused primarily on three things: liberty, convenience, and deliciousness. Today, we know the Constitution as a living document because it has evolved to allow America to develop all sorts of innovations consistent with these principles in an ever changing world. For instance, the framers could never have anticipated that McDonalds would serve billions of Big Macs to patrons around the world, but they wrote the Constitution to specifically allow for Ray Kroc to try. Additionally, America has invented the Pop Tart, Diet Dr. Pepper, Lunchables, Stuffed Crust Pizza, the Five Buck Box, Gameday Lager, Chinese Food, KFC Extra Crispy Chicken, the KFC lunch buffet, the KFC Double Down and the KFC Famous Bowl. It’s in our very fabric as a nation to lead the way in Candwich technology. Are we going to outsource Candwich to India and have Tandoori Chicken on Garlic Naan in a can? Or will the Chinese lead the way with egg rolls in a can? All I can say is that I have seen plenty of pictures of Colonel Sanders, and he sure as hell ain’t have no slant eye.
Some lawyer types are probably trying to tell you that there is no fundamental right to can sandwiches in the Constitution and the government should be able to get up in that business. If you ask me, if the U.S. is going to stay out of your uterus, then I think it should also stay out of my can of ‘wich. Remember, just because something isn’t in the Constitution doesn’t mean that it isn’t a fundamental right with which the government cannot legally interfere. Just ask Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, whose decision in Heller v. District of Columbia established that the right to bear arms is a fundamental right because it is derived from the right of self-defense. Scalia says that the right of self-defense is fundamental because, as far as he can tell, it was really important to the founding fathers. Well I have never been so sure of anything as I am about the fact that the founding fathers held dear their hearts the fundamental right to can any and all foods. In their era, they didn’t have fancy inventions like refrigerators, walk-in freezers, or ice. They depended on canning for preservation, so they would be as proud as a stage mom at a NAMBLA convention if they ever saw a thing such as Candwich.
The time has come for America to reassert its dominance on a global scale, but it cannot be done if the activist court system continues to step on every innovation that enhances productivity. In the 1930s there was a thing in America called the Great Depression. In response, Primanti Brothers restaurant in Pittsburgh invented a sandwich with coleslaw and French fries between the two pieces of bread with the regular sandwich filling so workers could eat lunch while buying produce or driving a truck. Imagine how much more these workers were able to accomplish by not having to waste four minutes eating French fries. Now imagine how much worse the Great Depression would have been if the activist judges of that age got in the way of progress the way that judges are trying to do now. We are facing an economic malaise unlike any since the Great Depression, and we need to think outside the bun, just like the Primanti Brothers did in their era. Candwich is the solution we have needed. Candwich is the next phase of the American dream. Candwich is freedom.
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