Racist Scouting Reports

By Skip Procter

OMAHA- I’ve been in the business of scouting ball players for forty-odd years now. I guess you could say that I’ve forgotten more baseball players than Theo Epstein and his band of merry pocket-protector wearing idiots will ever see. As a kid, I saw Willie Mays steal home plate and Mickey Mantle hit a 700 foot homerun to dead center field of a football stadium. These days, you hear a lot about steroids, but that’s just the newest drug in town. I’ve seen players make All-Star Games after they were smack fiends like Josh Hamilton, cokeheads like Doc Gooden, acid trippers like Doc Ellis, greenie poppers like Reggie Jackson, pot heads like Manny Ramirez, or just plain old drunks like everyone on the 1964 Cleveland Indians.

Over my long career in baseball, I have noticed a few things that make my job a lot easier. The first time a construction worker tries to hang a door, it’s going to take him a few tries, but once he’s done it a few hundred times, he develops shortcuts. I am the same way with baseball players. These days, you can just give me the name of a hot prospect and I can tell you what he’s good at, what he’s bad at, and what he needs to work on if he ever wants to make it to the show. I never have to see him play, look at his statistics, or hear a word about his background to know how his career will shape up. I’ll give you a few examples.

Yu Darvish, SP, Nippon Ham Fighters, Japan- You always have to be careful around oriental pitchers. They always try to use tricky pitches to sneak up on you instead of just bringing the heat like a real man. When was the last time you saw an oriental pitcher challenge a hitter with the old number one over the plate? The reason they don’t do it is because they’re weak minded people. This kid Darvish needs to develop a more confident mound presence. Bob Feller- now there was a pitcher. He could throw it 103 miles an hour when he wanted to. He stood up there tall and strong and dared the batter to take his best cut. Darvish isn’t cut from the same cloth as the great starters like Feller. He’s too weak and bashful to intimidate a hitter, and the last thing you want to do is to get a starting pitcher who is afraid to throw strikes. You get a pitcher who wants to commit Harry Carrey on the mound, and it can kamikaze your whole pitching staff. I don’t care what the other scouts say; I’d stay away from this one.

Manuel Machado, SS, Miami Brito HS, Florida- Machado is what I would describe as a high-ceiling toolsy infield prospect. He is a gamble because he has great athleticism and all five tools, but there is a real possibility that he never develops the discipline needed to harness his immense talents. Off the field, Machado has several question marks. He has a fiery Latin temper that could get him into trouble, and he probably has had problems with alcoholism and/or domestic violence in the past. There are also some makeup questions with Machado in the clubhouse- coaches wonder if he has the drive necessary to become a truly great player, or if he is satisfied with taking home a paycheck. There are also some questions about his age, as he was born in the Dominican Republic and may have a falsified birth certificate. All we know is that he is somewhere between 16 and 39 years old.



[LEFT- Machado has talent, but he's still got a lot to prove.]

Desmond Jennings, OF, Durham Bulls, AAA- Jennings is another world class athlete, but unfortunately the big leagues aren’t a track and field contest. Jennings is going to have to get his ego under control and learn how to play as a member of a team. He has a lot of maturity issues, but that’s common for children who grow up in large families with single mothers who are addicted to crack as I assume Jennings must have been. If Jennings can get his anger issues under control, he could become a truly special player, just as long as he doesn’t talk back to his manager.

Phillippe Aumont, RP, Tacoma Raniers, AAA- I don’t trust the French.

Grady Sizemore, OF, Cleveland Indians- Here’s another guy who has great speed and strength, but might not have the character to make it in the major leagues. All the physical talent in the world isn’t going to make a difference if you… What’s that? Oh, apparently Grady Sizemore is a white guy. I had no idea. In that case, I’m sure he has his head screwed on straight and he hustles on every play. I’m just not sure if he has the athletic ability to become a superstar-caliber player.


[RIGHT- 'Posey' is a name you can trust when the game is on the line.]

Buster Posey, C, San Francisco Giants, Rookie- I like the cut of this kid’s jib. Strong jaw line. He’s a real gamer. Even if this guy is grinding, you can count on him to gut out a hustle double, or make the heads up play in the field. He probably looks good in a pair of jeans, too. I can just imagine him at the plate- no batting gloves, pine tar all over his batting helmet, sanitary socks with stirrups and his pants up to his knees- that’s the stuff that Hall of Fame players are made out of. I see him having the same sort of great career as Babe Ruth, Boomer Wells, Flash Gordon and Nuke LaLoosh. Plus, if this whole baseball thing doesn’t work out for him, he could always transition seamlessly into porn without having to change his name.

See? It’s not so hard to put together a scouting report on a player. And if you think my reasoning is flawed, check back with these guys in five years and see if I’m wrong on any of them. Darvish will be an overpaid fourth starter who walks too many batters and piles up huge pitch counts. Machado will be a top prospect with production that lags behind his skills and at least one contract dispute in his past. Jennings will have multiple disciplinary problems, Jennings will have given up, and Posey will be on the cover of a video game. Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy.