Top "Apalooza’s" of All-Time

By Kermit Schneider

GREENWICH- The basketball world is agog with Lebronapalooza, as hoops star Lebron James chooses which city suits his quest for global stardom best. While Lebronapalooza has certainly captured the world’s imagination, fed it water and gruel, beaten it daily, and eventually made it respect the sheer rancor of its captor, it pales in comparison to some of the great Apaloozas of all the times. Today, we look back at some of the great Apaloozas of this generation and all that came before it.

Lollapalooza- No, I’m not talking about the giant lollipop that shares the same name; I’m talking about the 1990’s greatest music festival this side of the rioting mud people of Woodstock’s 25th anniversary. Lollapalooza was a jumping-off point for alternative rock acts like Rage Against the Machine, Pearl Jam, Jane’s Addiction, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Tool. How these bands got famous in the first place is a mystery to me, because I don’t think any of them were in the Mickey Mouse club or had a parent who was well-connected in the music business. Back then, Disney didn’t have to sign off on every new musician before they were allowed to be played on the radio, and it resulted in some pretty grotesque situations, like Rage Against the Machine performing naked on stage, and Pearl Jam singing songs about school shootings. Who wants that? Not me- I just wanna take a ride on your disco stick (that’s a Lady Gaga reference for those of you who no habla real pop music).

In any case, Lollapalooza was mainly meant for freaks and geeks who couldn’t call in fast enough to get tickets for NKOTB or Salt-N-Pepa. Lollapalooza founder Perry Farrell, the lead singer from Jane’s Addiction, said that the collective of fans who attended the event made up “Alternative Nation.” I don’t know why they would need an alternative nation when their original nation just bombed the shit out of Iraq in Desert Storm, but it wouldn’t be the first thing that put me at odds with Farrell. I mean, have you ever heard a Jane’s Addiction song? To say that he sings like the relentless braying of a stuck pick would be an insult to stuck pigs worldwide (although I doubt they would care since they are, after all, stuck pigs). I know Farrell had drug problems back in the day, but did he have to keep the recording gear rolling while he wailed in pain throughout his withdrawals in the rehab center’s deprivation chamber then set it to music and call the song Jane Says? My God, when that song comes on the radio, I start scratching my nails across a chalk board to drown out the sound. It makes me feel alive.

Another strike against Farrell is that he did not actually come up with the name Lollapalooza. In fact, Lollapalooza was used as a password during American military operations in the Pacific during World War II. The word identified American soldiers to one another, because they rightly assumed that the Japanese soldiers would have a hard time pronouncing the word. Sure enough, the Americans knew they had a spy on their hands every time they heard “Rorraparoora,” like the sound a dog makes when it has peanut butter stuck to the roof of its mouth. Why they didn’t just tell the spy to drive a supply truck up the road the let him swerve into a tree and kill himself is unclear. It would have been an easier option.

Kabbalahpalooza- Every year, followers of the Jewish sect known as Kabbalah get together for the part-convention, part-celebration known as Kabbalahpalooza. In the past, Madonna performed at the opening ceremony as an adherent to the group, but in more recent years, she has been unable to fit her enormous veins in the convention center. Kabbalah is meant to explain the connection between the connection between the secular and the supernatural, so without doing any research at all I’m going to venture a guess that Kabbalahpalooza spends a lot of time playing with Ouija boards. One drawback to Kabbalahpalooza is that the food sucks. Two years ago, it was held in Kansas City so the Jewish people- who are divided between the coasts and never enter states that don’t border an ocean- could reach it easily. For Shame that they had a week long convention in Kansas City and never a spare rib nor a burnt end crossed the lips of a participant. For Shame! Oh well, more bottom feeders for the rest of us, I suppose. When they do manage to get decent food, like the high end catering at the Chicago convention four years ago, they alienate the caterers by refusing to leave a tip. “It’s part of the job” my ass. Those people worked hard to fill your gullet! On the other hand, at least Kabbalahpalooza is a very fun word to read. Just look at it: Kabbalahpalooza, so long, yet with such variation. It almost looks like a hieroglyphic. I will go so far as to say that Kabbalahpalooza is 80% as fun to read as M. Night Shyamalan is to say. That might be going too far. I’ll say 75%. Are we good? Good.


[RIGHT- Seriously, Madge, it's called eating. Heard of it? And if not, it's called sleeves. Heard of it? And if not, it's called not going out in public so I don't have to see your creepy, anorexic, Skeletor body. Heard of... nevermind.]

That brings me to a related point. Who decided that the suffix indicated a festival would be “apalooza” rather than just “palooza?” I don’t see the word Lollapalooza and think that “Loll” is the first significant part of the word and “apalooza” is the second significant part. It should be broken down into “Lolla” and “palooza.” That division keeps funny sounding derivations like Kabbalahpalooza intact, but it weeds out the pretenders to the throne like, Sherlock Holmes-apalooza, High Tech Jobs-apalooza, and ReUse-apalooza. Actually, I like ReUse-apalooza. Good job, City of Toledo Conservation Marketing Director. You have earned your middling salary.

LaLapalooza- Not to be confused with Lollapalooza, LaLapalooza is my nickname for the sure-to-be-decadent wedding reception when Denver Nuggets superstar Carmelo Anthony finally swaps vows with his longtime fiancée and MTV VJ LaLa Vasquez in the Big Apple. All of the stars are will be out on the red carpet that night when the A-Listers tie to proverbial knot. The only thing that could go wrong is if Melo inks the proposed contract extension with the Denver Nuggets before the wedding, because as everybody knows, homegirl don’t do Denver. Anthony owns a palatial estate in Littleton, Colorado, which is not exactly a hotbed for expat Puerto Ricans who relocated to Brooklyn to pursue a career in showbiz. Then again, when the top two items on your resume are a cameo in Morris Chetnut’s “Two Can Play That Game,” and a role as the host of the reunion show to “For the Love of Ray Jay,” maybe you suck it up and live wherever your man is making $65 million. Then, she can change the name of her party from LaLapalooza to Dollapalooza. Sounds like another column. Nice.