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By Talia Applegate
THE ROSE GARDEN- President Obama celebrated Congressional victories on financial market regulation and unemployment insurance this week by issuing a blanket apology today. Many pundits believed that his afternoon press conference would be a celebration, but it quickly turned into a cathartic expression of shame and remorse by a beaten man.
“I’d like to apologize, first of all, to all of the Americans who will be touched by this new legislation we have passed. I think of unemployment insurance in difficult economic times as a good thing for the American people, but my time as president has taught me that everyone is probably going to be pissed off, so I figured I would get the apology out of the way at the beginning,” Obama told reporters gathered in the Rose Garden. “Also, let me say that I am sincerely sorry to all of the reporters here today that we had to perform the press conference outdoors in this sweltering Washington heat. I considered using the press briefing room, but thought it was a little stuffy, so we moved out here, and now that I see how much you are sweating, I realize that I made a grave mistake. I assure you that my administration will not let it happen again.”
Obama took a somber tone when he addressed the state of his administration and its achievements. “Many analysts point to my first year and a half in office and say that it has been a great success. We passed a record economic stimulus package that saved millions of jobs, an overhaul of the healthcare system, and a financial industry reform bill that will help prevent meltdowns like the one that landed us in this recession, all while responding to the cataclysmic oil spill in the Gulf. But I have seen my poll numbers, and I want to express my deep regret to the American public that I have not been what they wanted me to be. On the campaign trail, I believed that Americans wanted me to work through the political process to repair a broken system so everyone’s voice could be heard. Extensive focus group work, though, has taught me what Americans really want: a morning show host with a Justin Bieber haircut who complains about what a terrible person Mel Gibson is and signs off with ‘Obama out.’ Finally, I would like to conclude my remarks by addressing those who have said that my administration has been too apologetic. I am very sorry that I h
ave apologized for so many of my achievements. I will not let it happen again, but please accept my heartfelt apology for doing so.”
THE ROSE GARDEN- President Obama celebrated Congressional victories on financial market regulation and unemployment insurance this week by issuing a blanket apology today. Many pundits believed that his afternoon press conference would be a celebration, but it quickly turned into a cathartic expression of shame and remorse by a beaten man.
“I’d like to apologize, first of all, to all of the Americans who will be touched by this new legislation we have passed. I think of unemployment insurance in difficult economic times as a good thing for the American people, but my time as president has taught me that everyone is probably going to be pissed off, so I figured I would get the apology out of the way at the beginning,” Obama told reporters gathered in the Rose Garden. “Also, let me say that I am sincerely sorry to all of the reporters here today that we had to perform the press conference outdoors in this sweltering Washington heat. I considered using the press briefing room, but thought it was a little stuffy, so we moved out here, and now that I see how much you are sweating, I realize that I made a grave mistake. I assure you that my administration will not let it happen again.”
Obama took a somber tone when he addressed the state of his administration and its achievements. “Many analysts point to my first year and a half in office and say that it has been a great success. We passed a record economic stimulus package that saved millions of jobs, an overhaul of the healthcare system, and a financial industry reform bill that will help prevent meltdowns like the one that landed us in this recession, all while responding to the cataclysmic oil spill in the Gulf. But I have seen my poll numbers, and I want to express my deep regret to the American public that I have not been what they wanted me to be. On the campaign trail, I believed that Americans wanted me to work through the political process to repair a broken system so everyone’s voice could be heard. Extensive focus group work, though, has taught me what Americans really want: a morning show host with a Justin Bieber haircut who complains about what a terrible person Mel Gibson is and signs off with ‘Obama out.’ Finally, I would like to conclude my remarks by addressing those who have said that my administration has been too apologetic. I am very sorry that I h
ave apologized for so many of my achievements. I will not let it happen again, but please accept my heartfelt apology for doing so.” [LEFT- Obama's approval ratings have apparently caused to his head, causing irreparable brain damage.]
Academics have pointed out that Obama has been highly successful in many facets of his presidency so far, but that his triumphs have not translated into popularity or improved quality of life for most Americans. For instance, Obama has historically high marks in logical consistency. Logicians who study presidential speeches and press releases say that Obama’s claims achieve valid and sound logical status 83% of the time, which compares favorably to Bill Clinton, who was logical 71% of the time. Newt Gingerich has the highest marks for a modern republican at 73% logical, while Ronald Reagan’s statements achieved logical soundness only 11% of the time. George W. Bush brought up the rear of the study at negative eleventy billion% logical. Similarly, Obama has done a remarkable job at managing the news cycle. Even when he receives negative publicity, he plays damage control to make sure he has control over the message. In fact, he has come out ahead in a larger proportion of news cycles than any politician since John Kerry, who was about as well-liked as Obama is now. John Edwards previously held the record until he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife with a slutty publicist then paid her to keep the relationship and resulting child secret.
Meanwhile, Americans at large have become disinterested in political battles in Washington as their circumstances remain uncertain. As the unemployment rates stays high and out of work citizens struggle to pay their bills, an increasing number of Americans tune out national politics. In a recent Harris Interactive poll that asked if respondents felt hat President Obama was doing a good job of accomplishing his policy goals, 4% said yes, 3% said no, while 91% frantically asked which response would look better on a resume, because they haven’t worked in 18 months and they can no longer get a line of credit from the bank to buy diapers for their toddler, and they are about to have to hock grandma’s diamond earrings at a pawn shop even though they have been in the family for 3 generations because the mortgage rate keeps going up and Timmy needs new glasses and they’re really expensive because they no longer have health insurance since Cobra ran out six months ago. The remaining 2% were undecided.
Republicans have taken flack for refusing to use their legislative authority to address the nation’s struggling economy. For their part, most republicans say that the economy seems to be improving, as there are no signs of poverty or struggle in their gated communities.
Some policy analysts believe that the situation is hopeless for Obama because there is no way for the economy to improve. Ira Rosenthal of the New Republic believes that America has shot itself in the foot by using its ingenuity to invent more and more ways to avoid doing work. “America came to prominence in the middle part of the 20th century as a manufacturing power. When companies realized that they could build the same goods overseas with lower labor costs, they were intrigued, but faced too much uncertainty. Then, in the 1980s, Americans started developing computers that enhanced productivity and allowed companies to replace workers with machines to cut labor costs at home. In the 1990s, they innovated new software and the internet that opened up world markets through globalization and took away any advantage companies had to keeping their operations in America. In the 2000s, complicated financial tools were used to make it look like the inventions of the 80s and 90s had not completely crippled the American economy, so we were 10 years behind in responding to the fact that we have an economy where people demand a great deal, but produce nothing of actual value. America’s only real hope for economic growth is outpacing China at developing green technology to establish the economies of scale that could make electric cars, wind turbines, solar panels, and nuclear generators viable for the whole world, but we have collectively decided that green technology is kinda gay, so we’re going to let the emerging Asian economies do the heavy lifting.”
Meanwhile, other analysts believe that Obama’s constant capitulation is part of a larger strategy of hitting rock bottom. Appearing incompetent, paying no attention to the faltering economy, and getting crushed in the midterm elections, they argue, will make people feel sorry for the President. And since Americans love a reclamation project, he can pretend to develop a drinking problem, join the cast of Celebrity Rehab, appoint Dr. Drew as the Secretary of Health and Human Services, and revamp his administration with a Celebreality vibe. Firing USDA official Shirley Sherrod for a quotation that was taken out of context was part of this plan, according to many of these same experts, because there is no other semi-reasonable explanation for why Obama would follow the requests of a right-wing polemicist-blogger without investigating the details.
Another source who is well-connected to the inner-dealings of the White House says the strategy has been laid out from the start. Obama has spent the last year stalling on the economy so he can start passing policies that will help improve it just in time to lose the 2012 election, get a cushy consulting job and hit the speaking tours, then rake in the tax cuts that Sarah Palin will inevitably give to him and all of the other displaced CEOs from the last decade.
Academics have pointed out that Obama has been highly successful in many facets of his presidency so far, but that his triumphs have not translated into popularity or improved quality of life for most Americans. For instance, Obama has historically high marks in logical consistency. Logicians who study presidential speeches and press releases say that Obama’s claims achieve valid and sound logical status 83% of the time, which compares favorably to Bill Clinton, who was logical 71% of the time. Newt Gingerich has the highest marks for a modern republican at 73% logical, while Ronald Reagan’s statements achieved logical soundness only 11% of the time. George W. Bush brought up the rear of the study at negative eleventy billion% logical. Similarly, Obama has done a remarkable job at managing the news cycle. Even when he receives negative publicity, he plays damage control to make sure he has control over the message. In fact, he has come out ahead in a larger proportion of news cycles than any politician since John Kerry, who was about as well-liked as Obama is now. John Edwards previously held the record until he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife with a slutty publicist then paid her to keep the relationship and resulting child secret.
Meanwhile, Americans at large have become disinterested in political battles in Washington as their circumstances remain uncertain. As the unemployment rates stays high and out of work citizens struggle to pay their bills, an increasing number of Americans tune out national politics. In a recent Harris Interactive poll that asked if respondents felt hat President Obama was doing a good job of accomplishing his policy goals, 4% said yes, 3% said no, while 91% frantically asked which response would look better on a resume, because they haven’t worked in 18 months and they can no longer get a line of credit from the bank to buy diapers for their toddler, and they are about to have to hock grandma’s diamond earrings at a pawn shop even though they have been in the family for 3 generations because the mortgage rate keeps going up and Timmy needs new glasses and they’re really expensive because they no longer have health insurance since Cobra ran out six months ago. The remaining 2% were undecided.
Republicans have taken flack for refusing to use their legislative authority to address the nation’s struggling economy. For their part, most republicans say that the economy seems to be improving, as there are no signs of poverty or struggle in their gated communities.
Some policy analysts believe that the situation is hopeless for Obama because there is no way for the economy to improve. Ira Rosenthal of the New Republic believes that America has shot itself in the foot by using its ingenuity to invent more and more ways to avoid doing work. “America came to prominence in the middle part of the 20th century as a manufacturing power. When companies realized that they could build the same goods overseas with lower labor costs, they were intrigued, but faced too much uncertainty. Then, in the 1980s, Americans started developing computers that enhanced productivity and allowed companies to replace workers with machines to cut labor costs at home. In the 1990s, they innovated new software and the internet that opened up world markets through globalization and took away any advantage companies had to keeping their operations in America. In the 2000s, complicated financial tools were used to make it look like the inventions of the 80s and 90s had not completely crippled the American economy, so we were 10 years behind in responding to the fact that we have an economy where people demand a great deal, but produce nothing of actual value. America’s only real hope for economic growth is outpacing China at developing green technology to establish the economies of scale that could make electric cars, wind turbines, solar panels, and nuclear generators viable for the whole world, but we have collectively decided that green technology is kinda gay, so we’re going to let the emerging Asian economies do the heavy lifting.”
Meanwhile, other analysts believe that Obama’s constant capitulation is part of a larger strategy of hitting rock bottom. Appearing incompetent, paying no attention to the faltering economy, and getting crushed in the midterm elections, they argue, will make people feel sorry for the President. And since Americans love a reclamation project, he can pretend to develop a drinking problem, join the cast of Celebrity Rehab, appoint Dr. Drew as the Secretary of Health and Human Services, and revamp his administration with a Celebreality vibe. Firing USDA official Shirley Sherrod for a quotation that was taken out of context was part of this plan, according to many of these same experts, because there is no other semi-reasonable explanation for why Obama would follow the requests of a right-wing polemicist-blogger without investigating the details.
Another source who is well-connected to the inner-dealings of the White House says the strategy has been laid out from the start. Obama has spent the last year stalling on the economy so he can start passing policies that will help improve it just in time to lose the 2012 election, get a cushy consulting job and hit the speaking tours, then rake in the tax cuts that Sarah Palin will inevitably give to him and all of the other displaced CEOs from the last decade.
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