Economic Recovery Hits Young Adults Hardest

By Penelope Coleman

NEW YORK- Numbers released over the last month by the Bureau of Labor Statistics indicate that the American economy has started a slow rebound back to healthy growth after several years of recession or stagnation. Recent college graduates, a demographic hit especially hard by the economic slowdown, have started to enter the workplace at a record pace. As they do so, they are learning that their long-awaited jobs are not as desirable as they once hoped.

“It totally sucks, man,” said Mike Huckleberry, a 2011 Rutgers graduate with a Bachelor’s degree in Communications. “I took this job selling advertising for the Newark Star-Ledger and I never realized that it would become, like, my whole freaking life.” Mr. Huckleberry included in his list of complaints being tired all the time from getting up at 7:45 AM, having to plan his meals up to a day in advance to make sure he has enough food to pack a lunch, and not being able to catch up on ESPN’s slate of daytime talk shows such as First Take, Around the Horn, and College Football Live.

Mr. Huckleberry's halcyon days.

The workplace itself has been a veritable minefield for these young professionals. Experienced workers nationwide have taken note of the fact that these new employees need breaks at least once every hour and seem to think that the dryer is an appropriate substitute for an ironing board even though their clothes remain exceedingly wrinkly. Perhaps most annoying are the constant, frantic attempts to minimize Facebook and Twitter windows when coworkers enter their cubicles, despite the fact that no one cares what they are doing with their time. These experienced workers have expressed some frustration, but feel confident that the newer workers will eventually learn the time-tested methods for wasting hours at work, such as carrying on lengthy conversations about what happened over the weekend in colleagues' offices or scheduling unnecessary meetings and expensing coffee and donuts to the company account.

Even the work-related activities have proven to be far less engaging that previously anticipated. According to Mr. Huckleberry, “I interned at a radio station in college and it always seemed like I was the only one who didn’t have anything going on. I figured it was because I was just an intern and nobody trusted me to do anything important. Nope. Now that I am a salaried, full-time employee, I still somehow have about 2 hours of work to do in an 8-hour work day.” To cover for his lack of productivity, Mr. Huckleberry often circles the office floor to gather details on his coworkers’ projects so he has issues to talk about when his superiors ask him how thing are going.

One of the unforeseen consequences of young adults getting jobs is that many of them have moved out of their parents’ houses into vastly inferior rental apartments that they can afford. These apartments share little in common with college dorms that have on-site laundry facilities, communal bathrooms that are professionally cleaned every day, and dining halls that purchase, prepare, and clean up after meals for a small fee. Instead, these young adults are finding that the indignity of moving back home after college was a blessing in disguise as they navigate the choppy waters of taking care of themselves. On balance, most are discovering that the shame of sneaking into one’s childhood bedroom at 3 AM is worth the free food, lodging, and cleaning that comes with it.

Many new professionals are finding that the problems associated with professional life do not start and stop at the office door. For instance, new hires often feel pressured to attend office happy hours and other social events put on by coworkers. Jill Crockett, who recently took her first job selling car insurance for Liberty Mutual after 18 months of unemployment, explains that these happy hours are often anything but. “First of all, everyone wants to go to these stuffy downtown bars that are pitch black right after work. They always forget that I am broke, then they start ordering appetizers for the table that I can’t afford. Then everyone orders white wine or fancy cocktails, so I can’t really get away with having a cheap beer and I end up drinking a martini to fit in. I don’t even like olives, so ordering a martini is basically like ordering a glass full of cold gin. It tastes so gross that I have to drink it extremely slowly, which mean I can’t even get a buzz while I have to listen to these fat middle-aged people lie about how good their kids are at tennis or jazz trombone. I spend the whole time checking my phone to see if enough time has passed for me to get out of there so I can go home and watch half of Homeland before I fall asleep on the couch and start the sequence over again the next morning.”

The Presidential candidates have yet to weigh in on this burgeoning opposition to job growth. So far, both candidates have supported policies that aim to grow the economy and put more Americans to work. Recently, though, some pundits have speculated that Mitt Romney may target Barack Obama’s youthful base with promises of job-killing measures that would help take them out of the workforce for the foreseeable future. While the move is seen as a political gamble, promises of layoffs may be the type of tradition-bucking move that could put the challenger in the driver’s seat.

Politicians seek to improve economy as fundraising season looms

By Francis LaViolette

GREENWICH- Politicians nationwide have started to express apprehension about the upcoming fundraising season as the nation’s economy continues to sputter. Fundraisers attribute the uneasy feeling to both the fear of the unknown and the harsh realization that the halcyon days of advertising bombardment may be a thing of the distant past.

Politicians running for office in 2012 have noticed a steady decline in the number and amount of donations coming from all sources. Private donors, who usually account for a large percentage of small donations, are less numerous than in the past. Perhaps more troublesome is the fact that corporate donors- historically a reliable bell cow for campaign spending- have expressed uncertainty about the economic and political climate. As a result, many large companies are holding onto cash, which is resulting in what economists call a “supply gap” in the political fundraising market.

[LEFT- Politicians are reaching out to all types of potential donors to fill in the gaps.]

Market analysts point out that potential election donors are worried about their potential return on investment in the political system. In the past, campaign donations have reliably yielded a steady 6% yearly return over the subsequent election cycle, occasionally spiking into double figures through targeted tax breaks, industry deregulation, and old-fashioned kickbacks. Today, despite low interest rates, election investors are worried that decades of political largesse may have created a grease money bubble where donors have over-leveraged themselves. They worry that political resources may be tapped: that tax rates and corporate welfare cannot get any more favorable without destroying the market altogether. Furthermore, partisan bickering- once seen as a necessary façade to make the process appear legitimate- has become an unwanted nuisance that gets between corporations and their government entitlements.

The candidates, for their part, are doing everything in their power to create a donation-friendly climate. For instance, many Congressmen who initially opposed health care reform are now pushing to implement requirements that all Americans purchase health insurance before the end of the year. Pundits have noted that those pushing for expedition are located in districts heavily populated by the insurance industry and could be chasing down donations from insurance companies who will be flush with donation cash from all of the new business guaranteed by the legislation.

With such a divisive election sure to come, everyone understands that it is important to get a head start in political fundraising. Without a substantial war chest, it would be impossible for a candidate to run a thorough negative campaign against his or her adversary. A good smear campaign requires calculated leaks to the media, suggestive TV and radio ads with enough double meaning potential to maintain some plausible deniability, and outright slander from political action committee hacks. If a candidate is not able to start the negative campaign process soon, there may not be enough time to complete the full arc of attacks, which may leave voters with an incomplete hatred of one candidate or another when going to the polls. The potential for disaster is especially large in an election year that includes so many fringe candidates. Imagine, for example, if voters are still hearing messages about Michelle Bachman’s husband being secretly gay during the general election. That message might play to the Republican base, but independent voters would be much more likely to turn against her for general incompetence or whatever corruption scandal her opponents fabricate between now and the election.

Donations have been so hard to come by that some politicians have had to find creative ways to line their coffers leading up to the election. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney recently found himself in hot water for receiving $1 million from an untraceable and non-existent corporation. Romney blamed the incongruity on the bad economic conditions saying, “I would have never had to make up this imaginary shady donor if my regular, actual shady donors had enough cash to bankroll my dead end campaign.” Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) has been able to keep his head above water by soliciting lump-sum donations from his state’s powerful coal lobby. It is not yet known whether the “lump of coal” payment is an actual donation or an ironic mockery of his performance in office.

Perhaps the hardest hit by the fundraising shortfall has been the Tea Party, whose candidates have been consistently flabbergasted by their constituency’s irrational insistence that they stay within their modest election budgets. Their democratic counterparts, conversely, have continued to spend lavishly in hopes that the election will pay for itself in the long run.

Obama Apologizes After Landmark Legislative Victories

By Talia Applegate

THE ROSE GARDEN- President Obama celebrated Congressional victories on financial market regulation and unemployment insurance this week by issuing a blanket apology today. Many pundits believed that his afternoon press conference would be a celebration, but it quickly turned into a cathartic expression of shame and remorse by a beaten man.

“I’d like to apologize, first of all, to all of the Americans who will be touched by this new legislation we have passed. I think of unemployment insurance in difficult economic times as a good thing for the American people, but my time as president has taught me that everyone is probably going to be pissed off, so I figured I would get the apology out of the way at the beginning,” Obama told reporters gathered in the Rose Garden. “Also, let me say that I am sincerely sorry to all of the reporters here today that we had to perform the press conference outdoors in this sweltering Washington heat. I considered using the press briefing room, but thought it was a little stuffy, so we moved out here, and now that I see how much you are sweating, I realize that I made a grave mistake. I assure you that my administration will not let it happen again.”

Obama took a somber tone when he addressed the state of his administration and its achievements. “Many analysts point to my first year and a half in office and say that it has been a great success. We passed a record economic stimulus package that saved millions of jobs, an overhaul of the healthcare system, and a financial industry reform bill that will help prevent meltdowns like the one that landed us in this recession, all while responding to the cataclysmic oil spill in the Gulf. But I have seen my poll numbers, and I want to express my deep regret to the American public that I have not been what they wanted me to be. On the campaign trail, I believed that Americans wanted me to work through the political process to repair a broken system so everyone’s voice could be heard. Extensive focus group work, though, has taught me what Americans really want: a morning show host with a Justin Bieber haircut who complains about what a terrible person Mel Gibson is and signs off with ‘Obama out.’ Finally, I would like to conclude my remarks by addressing those who have said that my administration has been too apologetic. I am very sorry that I have apologized for so many of my achievements. I will not let it happen again, but please accept my heartfelt apology for doing so.”

[LEFT- Obama's approval ratings have apparently caused to his head, causing irreparable brain damage.]

Academics have pointed out that Obama has been highly successful in many facets of his presidency so far, but that his triumphs have not translated into popularity or improved quality of life for most Americans. For instance, Obama has historically high marks in logical consistency. Logicians who study presidential speeches and press releases say that Obama’s claims achieve valid and sound logical status 83% of the time, which compares favorably to Bill Clinton, who was logical 71% of the time. Newt Gingerich has the highest marks for a modern republican at 73% logical, while Ronald Reagan’s statements achieved logical soundness only 11% of the time. George W. Bush brought up the rear of the study at negative eleventy billion% logical. Similarly, Obama has done a remarkable job at managing the news cycle. Even when he receives negative publicity, he plays damage control to make sure he has control over the message. In fact, he has come out ahead in a larger proportion of news cycles than any politician since John Kerry, who was about as well-liked as Obama is now. John Edwards previously held the record until he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife with a slutty publicist then paid her to keep the relationship and resulting child secret.

Meanwhile, Americans at large have become disinterested in political battles in Washington as their circumstances remain uncertain. As the unemployment rates stays high and out of work citizens struggle to pay their bills, an increasing number of Americans tune out national politics. In a recent Harris Interactive poll that asked if respondents felt hat President Obama was doing a good job of accomplishing his policy goals, 4% said yes, 3% said no, while 91% frantically asked which response would look better on a resume, because they haven’t worked in 18 months and they can no longer get a line of credit from the bank to buy diapers for their toddler, and they are about to have to hock grandma’s diamond earrings at a pawn shop even though they have been in the family for 3 generations because the mortgage rate keeps going up and Timmy needs new glasses and they’re really expensive because they no longer have health insurance since Cobra ran out six months ago. The remaining 2% were undecided.

Republicans have taken flack for refusing to use their legislative authority to address the nation’s struggling economy. For their part, most republicans say that the economy seems to be improving, as there are no signs of poverty or struggle in their gated communities.

Some policy analysts believe that the situation is hopeless for Obama because there is no way for the economy to improve. Ira Rosenthal of the New Republic believes that America has shot itself in the foot by using its ingenuity to invent more and more ways to avoid doing work. “America came to prominence in the middle part of the 20th century as a manufacturing power. When companies realized that they could build the same goods overseas with lower labor costs, they were intrigued, but faced too much uncertainty. Then, in the 1980s, Americans started developing computers that enhanced productivity and allowed companies to replace workers with machines to cut labor costs at home. In the 1990s, they innovated new software and the internet that opened up world markets through globalization and took away any advantage companies had to keeping their operations in America. In the 2000s, complicated financial tools were used to make it look like the inventions of the 80s and 90s had not completely crippled the American economy, so we were 10 years behind in responding to the fact that we have an economy where people demand a great deal, but produce nothing of actual value. America’s only real hope for economic growth is outpacing China at developing green technology to establish the economies of scale that could make electric cars, wind turbines, solar panels, and nuclear generators viable for the whole world, but we have collectively decided that green technology is kinda gay, so we’re going to let the emerging Asian economies do the heavy lifting.”

Meanwhile, other analysts believe that Obama’s constant capitulation is part of a larger strategy of hitting rock bottom. Appearing incompetent, paying no attention to the faltering economy, and getting crushed in the midterm elections, they argue, will make people feel sorry for the President. And since Americans love a reclamation project, he can pretend to develop a drinking problem, join the cast of Celebrity Rehab, appoint Dr. Drew as the Secretary of Health and Human Services, and revamp his administration with a Celebreality vibe. Firing USDA official Shirley Sherrod for a quotation that was taken out of context was part of this plan, according to many of these same experts, because there is no other semi-reasonable explanation for why Obama would follow the requests of a right-wing polemicist-blogger without investigating the details.

Another source who is well-connected to the inner-dealings of the White House says the strategy has been laid out from the start. Obama has spent the last year stalling on the economy so he can start passing policies that will help improve it just in time to lose the 2012 election, get a cushy consulting job and hit the speaking tours, then rake in the tax cuts that Sarah Palin will inevitably give to him and all of the other displaced CEOs from the last decade.

America’s Support for Michelle Obama’s Arms Sags

By Danielle Weatherford

WASHINGTON- Nearly a year after assuming her role as First Lady, Michelle Obama is facing a national crisis of confidence regarding her toned, sexy arms. With twelve months of sleeveless tops and no end in sight to the country’s tough economic and political times, many Americans are questioning whether they should have ever put so much faith in Michelle Obama’s arms in the first place.

In a recent Fox News opinion poll, only 38% of a random sample described Obama’s arms as “alluring” or “very alluring,” down from 61% following her husband’s election and a peak of 67% shortly after his inauguration. Conversely, polls indicate that support for a random set of disembodied Republican arms has surged from a 23% nadir to a recent zenith of 42%. While most of the improved support arises out of the Republicans’ improved mobilization of obese independents, there has also been a small amount of movement among Michelle Obama’s arms’ base of personal trainers and tri-athletes.

In addition to Michelle Obama’s arms’ failure to fix the healthcare industry or decrease the unemployment rate, the Republican Party deserves some credit for their shrinking popularity. Over the last year, the GOP has mounted an aggressive and far-reaching campaign against her arms that has employed everything from public smear tactics to draconian legislative procedures aimed at staunching the fervor over her sinewy limbs. Last week on Fox News Sunday, for instance, House Minority Leader John Boehner said that Michelle Obama’s arms, “don’t have the experience or the people skills to bring America together,” adding that “they look nice, but I don’t think they can even unite more than two people, let alone an entire country.” Broadcaster Brit Hume agreed, saying that Michelle Obama’s arms won’t regain their former stature until they stop embracing dumbbells and start embracing their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Even Senator Joe Lieberman, the erstwhile Democrat, delivered a veiled jab recently when he said that her arms, “are certainly not what we were led to believe they would be.”

[LEFT- Michelle Obama doesn't take tickets to her gun show- the 24" pythons are on display all day, every day.]

One criticism about Michelle Obama’s arms is that she was less than forthcoming about her workout plan from the early stages. At first, she sought to empower people to find their own workouts that best fit with their own biochemistry. Over time, though, it has become apparent that the rousing power of Michelle Obama’s arms cannot withstand a shroud of secrecy. She recently outlined her program to CNN- 5 different exercises with lightweight dumbbells for 15 minutes five times a week and high intensity cardio for 20 minutes three times a week-, but it may be too late. The toned, sexy arms that seemed inspirational a year ago have started to frustrate many women who have found that they cannot replicate her look without bulking up to bodybuilder size or taking anabolic steroids. Also, many out-of-shape women who have already broken their new year’s resolutions have criticized her for showing too much skin and “showing off” by wearing sleeveless gowns in subzero temperatures.

[RIGHT- Obama poses for notoriously steroid-friendly fitness rag Vogue.]

While Michelle Obama’s arms’ supporters say that many of the nation’s challenges were out of her hands, so to speak, detractors have pointed out that little has changed in a year despite lofty campaign promises. Many commentators have argued that the White House would have been more prepared to respond to the Christmas Day Bomber if she had not been doing dips all morning, while others have said that she has not worked hard enough, citing her inability to “strong-arm” the Republican minority into a compromise on healthcare. Televangelist Pat Robertson has seen wider-ranging implications. “If God wanted our womenfolk to look like men, he would have made Eve look like Steve. I talked to God just last week, and he pointed out to me that there was never a Haitian earthquake that killed 100,000 people before Michelle Obama’s arms were in power.”

President Obama has faced a similar struggle to maintain the groundswell of support he built up over his year on the campaign trail. As the recession has dragged on, Americans have been eager to blame those currently in power, but the President says it is not fair to levy all of the blame on his administration. “We have made great strides in the last year, but of course we could have done more,” the President told reporters in the Rose Garden this week. “I have to do a better job of bringing people together, and my advisors have to continue getting our message out to the people, but most of all, my wife’s arms need to start living up to the hype. Literally, I cannot think of a single thing that her arms have done to help the country since I have been in office despite the inordinate amount of attention they receive.”

What’s next for Michelle Obama’s arms? Physiological historians point out that first ladies often face a loss of support during their first year in office, but that has not stopped some pundits from pointing out that her arms might be vulnerable to Sarah Palin’s legs in 2012. Palin, who recently signed a deal with Fox News to work as a host for the channel, has reestablished herself in the national spotlight and has not ruled out the possibility of putting her pencil skirts against Michelle’s tank tops in the next election cycle. On the other hand, Michelle Obama’s arms can take solace in the fact that they are in much better than many of their predecessors. They are certainly in a better position than Barbara Bush’s jowls in 1989, and they are in another league altogether from Hilary Clinton’s thighs.

Sunshine Doughnuts Workers Strike for Share of Swollen Profits

By Tamara Wynn

DoughnutGate 2010
OMG Teh Newz Continuing CoverageFor more on DoughnutGate 2010, click here

COLORADO SPRINGS- The nation turned its attention back to Colorado Springs this week as the city’s Sunshine Doughnuts bakery became the focal point of another economic furor. Sunshine Doughnuts, which received extensive scrutiny in October for raising the price of its day-old doughnuts from $0.20 to $0.25, has begun to feel the effects of the price change. While the 25% price increase on day-olds created windfall profits for owner Tom Shleby and his family, but with great power comes great responsibility, and Shelby’s growing business has created labor strife on a scale which Sunshine Doughnuts have never experienced before.

Tensions came to a head this week when Sunshine Doughnuts night manager Darren Phillips rounded up all of the store’s part-time employees and persuaded them to demand higher wages in response to the business’ growing revenues. “The situation we have here is that these corporate fat cats are getting rich off of our blood, sweat, and tears and we’re not seeing our share of the profits!” Phillips railed at the rowdy rabble of Sunshine bakers, consisting of six students from the community college, a burnout who got fired from the post office, and two Guatemalans who work off the books. “It’s not right, it’s not fair, and it’s not right! Obama promised us change, but if he’s not going to give it to us, then we’re going to have to get it ourselves! We’ve got bills to pay, and mouths to feed, and the Shelbys are making all this extra money, and we don’t have a penny to show for it.”

Phillips pointed to the Shelbys’ recent vacation to Fort Lauderdale as an example of the new regime of corporate largesse that has overtaken Sunshine Doughnuts. According to Phillips, the Shelbys all flew first class across country on the trip, and when the airline lost their luggage, every member of the family bought a new wardrobe rather than waiting one day for the luggage to arrive. He claims to have obtained this information by following Tom’s wife Dana on Twitter, where she posted updates and pictures from the vacation.

Tom Shelby was evasive when questioned about his company’s conflicts with its fledgling union. “Has Darren been watching Michael Moore movies again? Every so often, he gets an idea in his head from something he saw on TV and starts thinking he’s some revolutionary. He’s like one of those Sarah Palin activists who talks about her fresh views and knows three catchphrases, but literally understands nothing about politics, except he’s the idiot who stumbled into being a liberal,” Shelby explained in a half-hearted attempt to excuse his own greed. “The thing about our vacation is totally bogus. Dana got upgraded to first class because the airline lost our luggage; we didn’t have to pay for it. And we didn’t buy a new wardrobe, we just got T-shirts from one of those cheap souvenir shops to wear until the airline got our luggage back,” was the only pathetic excuse the green-eyed devil could marshal in his favor. He went on to say, “I think we have literally made about $30 off of the increased price on day-olds. He needs to calm down.”

[RIGHT- Local protesters stand in solidarity with the oppressed working class of the Sunshine Doughnuts empire. Police were called to use tear gas to pacify the lynch mob.]

The possibility of calming down seems slim with the fiery rhetoric coming out of the union camp. Phillips has enlisted prominent Denver labor attorney Jerry Jackson to represent the Sunshine workers in negotiations, which have yet to be scheduled. “I don’t care what Shelby does as long as cuts the check, but until he cuts the check, I don’t want to hear his excuses,” Jackson told reporters at a press conference Monday. “There’s three things in the world that we care about right now, and they’re cash, credit, and checks. We speak the language of the dollar, and we are fed up management’s avarice and selfishness.”

While the labor movement has a strong moral basis for their position, they must be careful not to antagonize the business tycoons into compromising their product with replacement bakers. Further complicating matters is the fact that the labor group is seeking what they call a fair share of future profits from probable sales through a possible Sunshine Doughnuts online ordering feature. They claim that online orders will exponentially increase profits by allowing groups to pre-order breakfasts and snacks, and that the revenue should be distributed to those who have worked on the baked goods. On the other hand, Shelby points out that the website has not even been completed, and any profit calculation would be highly speculative, so much so that the contractual terms would almost certainly be too vague to enforce.

One factor to take into consideration in the doughnut imbroglio is the effect of outside pressures on ownership. National opinion polls show 2:1 support for the Sunshine Doughnuts employees, and a hard-line approach to negotiations could cost Shelby his company’s good reputation. Phillips ended his press conference by quoting Golden Globe winner Jeff Bridges from his award-winning educational exposition of the Hyundai Assurance program by saying, “Remember, the economy has not truly gotten better for any of us, until it has gotten better for all of us.”

Sunshine Doughnuts to raise day-old doughnut prices by 25%

By Tamara Wynn

COLORADO SPRINGS- Sunshine Doughnuts owner and general manager Tom Shelby announced yesterday that the Colorado-based breakfast and snack shop will raise the price of its day-old doughnut selection from $0.20 to $0.25. The increase comes after months of public posturing and backroom political bickering from interested parties on all sides of the day-old doughnut debate, and marks a shift in the landscape of the Rocky Mountain state’s pastry industry.

“This decision is not one that I have taken lightly,” an exhausted but redeemed Shelby told reporters at Tuesday’s press conference. “Ultimately, the decision was mine, but I do not mean to understate the amount of hard work went into this price shift from some extremely capable individuals. If things go as we expect them to go, this day will not just be a victory for Sunshine Doughnuts- it will be a victory for every citizen of Colorado, from French cruller crunchers to chocolate glazed gobblers.”

The increased price comes in response to the depressed economy and its affect on the doughnut industry. When doughnut revenue started falling around the start of the new year, the Sunshine staff largely divided itself into two camps: the price hikers, who thought that day-old doughnuts would be a hot commodity with less disposable income to go around, and the price slashers, who believed that prices should come down across the board, and generally favored a “small bakery” mentality. While Shelby remained uncommitted in early discussions, he eventually aligned himself with the hikers’ day-old option, as he subscribed to the belief that increasing the price now will pay dividends to future generations.

[RIGHT- The vast array of deep-fried delicacies will allow day-after doughnut buyers to save some cash. Those in charge of Friday morning office snacks will likely benefit the most.]

The slashers, on the other hand, criticized what they called the hikers “simplistic, big doughnut ideology.” Their economic mentality revolved around the old supply-side idiom that prices should stabilize or decrease in times of economic stagnation. As such, the slashers thought that the hikers had grown out of touch with the average Coloradan, and instead focused primarily on what would be good for the apple fritter-eating elite.

In the end, the hikers won out, largely due to the support of economists who weighed in on the issue. Paul Krugman, the Nobel-prize winning economist from Princeton, issued a highly persuasive policy paper on the earnings power of day-old doughnuts titled, “The Myth of Freshness,” in which he argued that the negative attitude toward day-old doughnuts revolves almost entirely around negative experiences with stale cake doughnuts. In reality, Krugman said, most of the stale cake doughnuts are bought in 12 packs from grocery stores and can age as many as three days before reaching sub-optimal dryness. Furthermore, any sort of glazed or frosted doughnut remains moist for up to 18 hours, making it safe to eat day-old doughnuts the morning after without running any risk of excess dryness.

Even with Krugman’s endorsement, Shelby weighed all possibilities before making a final decision. He hired a team of game theorists to run thousands of monte carlo computer simulations of different doughnut choices. He even tinkered with regular price of doughnuts- $0.75- to see how much it would change buyer behavior. Additionally, Shelby brought in several lab-based biochemists to analyze the effects of various environmental factors on different types of doughnuts. As most observers expected, these scientists confirmed Krugman’s theory that cake doughnuts are far more susceptible day-old dryness, but also found that any type of cream-filled pastry lasts up to 30% longer before becoming inedible compared to their dough-centered counterparts.

While Shelby insists that no single factor made his decision for him, he did emphasize the importance of the current economic climate. “We try to keep our focus on the future of the doughnut industry at all times,” Shelby said, “but the truth is that we would not be having this discussion about day-olds without the economy being in the condition that it is in. By ‘day-olds,’ I am referring to day-old doughnuts. Excuse me, I did not mean to slip into the technical jargon there.”

Typically, any changes in the Sunshine Doughnuts pricing scheme have to gain approval from a 3/5ths majority of the Shelby family. In this case, the Shelbys were able to raise the price of day-old doughnuts with only 50% support from the 6-member family, as the adults decided that newborn Kyle would not receive a vote. This development irked children Gerald and Kate, who aligned themselves with the slashers because they no longer receive an employee discount now that they are away at college in Boulder. Adding fuel to the fire are rumors that Mark, the youngest Shelby child until the birth of Kyle, was bribed to support the price hike with a backroom deal for free doughnuts for his 2nd grade class on hi s next birthday.