America’s Support for Michelle Obama’s Arms Sags

By Danielle Weatherford

WASHINGTON- Nearly a year after assuming her role as First Lady, Michelle Obama is facing a national crisis of confidence regarding her toned, sexy arms. With twelve months of sleeveless tops and no end in sight to the country’s tough economic and political times, many Americans are questioning whether they should have ever put so much faith in Michelle Obama’s arms in the first place.

In a recent Fox News opinion poll, only 38% of a random sample described Obama’s arms as “alluring” or “very alluring,” down from 61% following her husband’s election and a peak of 67% shortly after his inauguration. Conversely, polls indicate that support for a random set of disembodied Republican arms has surged from a 23% nadir to a recent zenith of 42%. While most of the improved support arises out of the Republicans’ improved mobilization of obese independents, there has also been a small amount of movement among Michelle Obama’s arms’ base of personal trainers and tri-athletes.

In addition to Michelle Obama’s arms’ failure to fix the healthcare industry or decrease the unemployment rate, the Republican Party deserves some credit for their shrinking popularity. Over the last year, the GOP has mounted an aggressive and far-reaching campaign against her arms that has employed everything from public smear tactics to draconian legislative procedures aimed at staunching the fervor over her sinewy limbs. Last week on Fox News Sunday, for instance, House Minority Leader John Boehner said that Michelle Obama’s arms, “don’t have the experience or the people skills to bring America together,” adding that “they look nice, but I don’t think they can even unite more than two people, let alone an entire country.” Broadcaster Brit Hume agreed, saying that Michelle Obama’s arms won’t regain their former stature until they stop embracing dumbbells and start embracing their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Even Senator Joe Lieberman, the erstwhile Democrat, delivered a veiled jab recently when he said that her arms, “are certainly not what we were led to believe they would be.”

[LEFT- Michelle Obama doesn't take tickets to her gun show- the 24" pythons are on display all day, every day.]

One criticism about Michelle Obama’s arms is that she was less than forthcoming about her workout plan from the early stages. At first, she sought to empower people to find their own workouts that best fit with their own biochemistry. Over time, though, it has become apparent that the rousing power of Michelle Obama’s arms cannot withstand a shroud of secrecy. She recently outlined her program to CNN- 5 different exercises with lightweight dumbbells for 15 minutes five times a week and high intensity cardio for 20 minutes three times a week-, but it may be too late. The toned, sexy arms that seemed inspirational a year ago have started to frustrate many women who have found that they cannot replicate her look without bulking up to bodybuilder size or taking anabolic steroids. Also, many out-of-shape women who have already broken their new year’s resolutions have criticized her for showing too much skin and “showing off” by wearing sleeveless gowns in subzero temperatures.

[RIGHT- Obama poses for notoriously steroid-friendly fitness rag Vogue.]

While Michelle Obama’s arms’ supporters say that many of the nation’s challenges were out of her hands, so to speak, detractors have pointed out that little has changed in a year despite lofty campaign promises. Many commentators have argued that the White House would have been more prepared to respond to the Christmas Day Bomber if she had not been doing dips all morning, while others have said that she has not worked hard enough, citing her inability to “strong-arm” the Republican minority into a compromise on healthcare. Televangelist Pat Robertson has seen wider-ranging implications. “If God wanted our womenfolk to look like men, he would have made Eve look like Steve. I talked to God just last week, and he pointed out to me that there was never a Haitian earthquake that killed 100,000 people before Michelle Obama’s arms were in power.”

President Obama has faced a similar struggle to maintain the groundswell of support he built up over his year on the campaign trail. As the recession has dragged on, Americans have been eager to blame those currently in power, but the President says it is not fair to levy all of the blame on his administration. “We have made great strides in the last year, but of course we could have done more,” the President told reporters in the Rose Garden this week. “I have to do a better job of bringing people together, and my advisors have to continue getting our message out to the people, but most of all, my wife’s arms need to start living up to the hype. Literally, I cannot think of a single thing that her arms have done to help the country since I have been in office despite the inordinate amount of attention they receive.”

What’s next for Michelle Obama’s arms? Physiological historians point out that first ladies often face a loss of support during their first year in office, but that has not stopped some pundits from pointing out that her arms might be vulnerable to Sarah Palin’s legs in 2012. Palin, who recently signed a deal with Fox News to work as a host for the channel, has reestablished herself in the national spotlight and has not ruled out the possibility of putting her pencil skirts against Michelle’s tank tops in the next election cycle. On the other hand, Michelle Obama’s arms can take solace in the fact that they are in much better than many of their predecessors. They are certainly in a better position than Barbara Bush’s jowls in 1989, and they are in another league altogether from Hilary Clinton’s thighs.