Politicians seek to improve economy as fundraising season looms

By Francis LaViolette

GREENWICH- Politicians nationwide have started to express apprehension about the upcoming fundraising season as the nation’s economy continues to sputter. Fundraisers attribute the uneasy feeling to both the fear of the unknown and the harsh realization that the halcyon days of advertising bombardment may be a thing of the distant past.

Politicians running for office in 2012 have noticed a steady decline in the number and amount of donations coming from all sources. Private donors, who usually account for a large percentage of small donations, are less numerous than in the past. Perhaps more troublesome is the fact that corporate donors- historically a reliable bell cow for campaign spending- have expressed uncertainty about the economic and political climate. As a result, many large companies are holding onto cash, which is resulting in what economists call a “supply gap” in the political fundraising market.

[LEFT- Politicians are reaching out to all types of potential donors to fill in the gaps.]

Market analysts point out that potential election donors are worried about their potential return on investment in the political system. In the past, campaign donations have reliably yielded a steady 6% yearly return over the subsequent election cycle, occasionally spiking into double figures through targeted tax breaks, industry deregulation, and old-fashioned kickbacks. Today, despite low interest rates, election investors are worried that decades of political largesse may have created a grease money bubble where donors have over-leveraged themselves. They worry that political resources may be tapped: that tax rates and corporate welfare cannot get any more favorable without destroying the market altogether. Furthermore, partisan bickering- once seen as a necessary façade to make the process appear legitimate- has become an unwanted nuisance that gets between corporations and their government entitlements.

The candidates, for their part, are doing everything in their power to create a donation-friendly climate. For instance, many Congressmen who initially opposed health care reform are now pushing to implement requirements that all Americans purchase health insurance before the end of the year. Pundits have noted that those pushing for expedition are located in districts heavily populated by the insurance industry and could be chasing down donations from insurance companies who will be flush with donation cash from all of the new business guaranteed by the legislation.

With such a divisive election sure to come, everyone understands that it is important to get a head start in political fundraising. Without a substantial war chest, it would be impossible for a candidate to run a thorough negative campaign against his or her adversary. A good smear campaign requires calculated leaks to the media, suggestive TV and radio ads with enough double meaning potential to maintain some plausible deniability, and outright slander from political action committee hacks. If a candidate is not able to start the negative campaign process soon, there may not be enough time to complete the full arc of attacks, which may leave voters with an incomplete hatred of one candidate or another when going to the polls. The potential for disaster is especially large in an election year that includes so many fringe candidates. Imagine, for example, if voters are still hearing messages about Michelle Bachman’s husband being secretly gay during the general election. That message might play to the Republican base, but independent voters would be much more likely to turn against her for general incompetence or whatever corruption scandal her opponents fabricate between now and the election.

Donations have been so hard to come by that some politicians have had to find creative ways to line their coffers leading up to the election. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney recently found himself in hot water for receiving $1 million from an untraceable and non-existent corporation. Romney blamed the incongruity on the bad economic conditions saying, “I would have never had to make up this imaginary shady donor if my regular, actual shady donors had enough cash to bankroll my dead end campaign.” Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) has been able to keep his head above water by soliciting lump-sum donations from his state’s powerful coal lobby. It is not yet known whether the “lump of coal” payment is an actual donation or an ironic mockery of his performance in office.

Perhaps the hardest hit by the fundraising shortfall has been the Tea Party, whose candidates have been consistently flabbergasted by their constituency’s irrational insistence that they stay within their modest election budgets. Their democratic counterparts, conversely, have continued to spend lavishly in hopes that the election will pay for itself in the long run.

Somali Pirates Extremely Glad Not to be known as Somali Terrorists

By Rafael Sturdevant

MOGADISHU- Public attention has been focused on civilian uprisings across the Middle East in recent weeks, but another news story has persisted in the region: Somali Pirates in the Gulf of Aden continue to attack ships and capture hostages to hold for ransom. While these attacks have been only moderately successful, perhaps the Pirates’ greatest success has been in avoiding the label “terrorist” from the American government. As long as they maintain the pirate moniker, they will likely remain free to plunder as much booty as they please.

Ever since the attacks of September 11, the application of the term “terrorist” to any person or political entity has been an essential death sentence. The name “pirate,” on the other hand, is more often associated terrible baseball teams and Halloween costumes, especially slutty ones. And even though the government’s official policy is to never negotiate with terrorists, its official policy toward pirates is to make fun of them and laugh.

The American public has a similarly light-hearted view of pirates. Most Americans have little knowledge of the Somali Pirates’ attacks. When asked for his reaction to the recent execution of four hostages by the Somali Pirates, Darren Grovsky, a factory worker from Dayton, Ohio responded, “What did they do, make them walk the plank?” He proceeded to high five a nearby white guy.

If the Somali Pirates truly want to be taken seriously, it will be crucial for them to do things that don’t seem so damn funny. The fact that their “pirate ships” look like chunks of flotsam that Cubans use to raft from Havana to Miami does not create the same terrifying imagery as the Jolly Roger. Moreover, their actions would not seem like such a joke if they started choosing hostages who did not share names with correspondents from the Daily Show. When Americans hear that Rob Riggle was killed at sea, it is difficult to take the suggestion seriously.

[LEFT- These guys need to work on their costumes. They don't look anything like Captain Jack Sparrow from the movies.]

President Obama recently delivered a speech to the American people in which he urged the country to take the threat of Somali Pirates seriously. “These actions by the rebels in Somalia are uncalled for and extremely dangerous,” Obama snickered. “Continued behavior that goes against international law will not be tolerated… or we’ll make you swab the deck. I’m sorry, I just can’t take these guys seriously.” Obama then covered his face and turned away, and could be seen laughing so hard he almost started to cry.

While the benefit of being known as pirates rather than terrorists is probably responsible for the Somalis continued success, some of the pirates feel that they are not getting the respect they deserve. “I do not wear a skull-and-crossbones hat; I am a vicious killer who deserves recognition,” said Mohammad Hassan, the captain of a Somali Pirate ship with a crew of more than 10 men. “Do the Americans think that I am not evil enough? For Christ sakes, who does a guy need to kill to get carpet bombed these days?”

Nonetheless, the Somali Pirate craze has caught on in some unexpected ways. For instance, birthday party supplies with a Somali Pirate theme have been flying off the shelves of party stores nationwide. Sherri MacDougal, the mother of 8-year old Teddy Masterson-MacDougal, said she recently threw a Somali Pirate birthday party for her son, and it was a smash hit. “It was such a fun time! Instead of making pirate hats, all of the kids just wore blackface. We played ‘pin the machete on the sailor,’ and he kids sat in a circle for a game of ‘innocent civilian, innocent civilian, hostage.’ Everybody had a great time. I would definitely recommend it to a friend.”

As the threat of Somali Pirates remains problematic for American tourists in the horn of Africa, the American government has considered measures that would encourage civilians to undergo the appropriate threat assessment. Rejected ideas include a color-coded threat level for the area and educational brochures to be sent to anyone who buys plane tickets to Somalia. One idea that has gained some traction is simply rebranding the Somali Pirates with a more appropriate name. So far, the name with the most support has been Somali Seamen, because it sounds even funnier.

Save Time and Money and Escape with a Bacation!

By Jeff Germane, Travel Agent at Quantum Travel Services

In times like these, we all have to tighten our belts and make the dollar stretch as far as possible. Whether it’s bringing lunch to work or turning down that thermostat, we are all saving money in our own way. In all likelihood, that savings account that you would like to use on a vacation to Tahiti or Hawaii is not as robust as you would like it to be. You might be starting to worry that you are going to have to ride out the winter doldrums without the valuable R&R to keep that Seasonal Affective Disorder at bay.

Well, my homebound friends, today is your lucky day. My colleagues at Quantum Travel Services have come up with a once in a lifetime opportunity for those who want a cheaper and easier way to recharge those batteries. It’s called a bacation, and let me tell you, it is delicious. The bacation is a lot like a typical vacation, but instead of packing your bags, flying to an exotic locale, sitting on the beach, drinking mai tais, and sitting in the sun, you eat bacon. It’s that simple!

Now, you are probably asking yourself, where did you come up with this brilliant idea? It’s really pretty simple. I was thinking of what people love so much about vacation, and it really boils down to having fun. You know what else is fun? Eating bacon. The name was the tricky part. What I ended up doing was taking part of the word bacon, and part of the word vacation, and putting them together into one word. Bacation. I’m sure you’d like to know which word the “c” came from, but that’s not the kind of information I’m going to give away for free!

Some people like to take vacations because they get to see and learn about foreign cultures. The bacation offers plenty of cultural exposure, too. You can drop in on our neighbors to the north and sample some Canadian Bacon. Sounds pretty good, eh? But seriously, it’s a short trip from bacon to get to the beautiful and romantic German Bratwurst, a favorite for young honeymooners. If you’re really up for an adventure, try salami or prosciutto! Although they’re a little pricier and technically not bacon, cured meats can be a delicious addition to a sandwich and they make a great appetizer. As they say in Italy, Vorrei cambiare dei soldi!

[LEFT- I shall call it... the BAKINI!]

The bacation is a great way for families to come together to bond. Young or old, anyone can appreciate some deliciously fried pig flesh. You can spice up you family slide show with pictures of BLTs, breakfast sandwiches, and omelets. There are only so many pictures of zoos and sunsets that your relatives will watch before they drift to sleep. Throw some pictures of bacon in there, and add some savory zest to the show.

These days, travel can be a real hassle. Would you rather spend an entire day slogging through crowded and dirty airports and sitting in a cramped plane, or eat bacon? Would you rather sleep in an uncomfortable bed in a hotel that is probably covered in several caked-on layers of years-old semen, or eat bacon? Would you rather go through the hassle of customs tell you that it’s “illegal” to bring drugs and live animals across international lines and get shoved in a Third World holding cell while you wait for your lawyer to bribe the banana republic government, or eat bacon? Would you rather pay hard earned cash for an underage hooker only to find out later that it’s a Ladyboy, or eat bacon? I rest my case.

Just because you don’t get a tan doesn’t mean your vacation can’t sizzle! Call to book your bacation today, and you will receive a complimentary fork to enjoy your bacation even

Gabrielle Giffords Set to Make Return in Zombie Flash Mob

By Martin West

TUCSON- Less than a week after being tragically shot in the head at a public meeting, Arizona’s Democratic Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is set to return to the public eye. But Giffords does not plan to come back with a bland press conference or public statement; she is slated to take part in the largest all-zombie flash mob in the history of the state of Arizona, according to her press secretary.

“We really think this kind of enthusiastic return will help breathe life into a constituency that has been dead on its feet for the last week, pardon the pun,” said press secretary Monica Gutierrez. “The zombie aspect was a natural because the surgeon realized that the bullet in Rep. Giffords’s brain could not be removed without turning her into a vegetable, and the only option was to inject her with the blood of the undead.”

Even though being a zombie will cause Rep. Giffords to badly slur her words, foam at the mouth, and try to eat the brains of those around her, the rest of her staff remains upbeat about the development. “Zombies are so hot right now, I think becoming one will be a big boost for her approval ratings,” Guttierez opined. She went on to say that a prominent political action committee in Arizona was considering doing a public exorcism of Zombie Giffords to raise money for her upcoming primary battle. Guttierez also noted that, “a zombie will probably do less damage than whatever Tea Party nutcase the governor would have appointed if she didn’t return.’

[RIGHT- Zombie Giffords joins a proud tradition of Zombie politicians from the Grand Canyon State.]

The transformation to undead life-form is not without its critics, as many Republican officials have questioned whether Rep. Giffords should keep her seat in Congress now that she is a zombie. They point out that the Constitution does not grant the right to serve in Congress to those who were once humans. Others have questioned whether Zombie Giffords is who she says she is, alleging that her death certificate is an elaborate forgery.

The decision for Zombie Giffords to make her first public appearance as part of a flash mob has also raised questions. Many have argued that a contrived song and dance routine will do little to assuage the public’s fear that she is more fit to eat the brains of her colleagues than to pick them. Others have pointed out that meticulously planned flash mobs miss out on the spontaneity that made them a popular sensation and that this one will inevitably suck. They also note that most of the people involved will have a background in dance or theater, so it will have undertones of being bitter that they weren’t better at sports or more popular. The flash mob will almost certainly also resent its parents’ insinuation that being a dancing zombie is a waste of four years’ tuition to NYU and it should consider looking for a real job.

As Zombie Giffords prepares choreography for her comeback, her staff is hard at work writing position papers to ease her transition back into Congress. Her top legislative aide, Carl Honda, has drafted a piece of legislation that would allow zombies to serve openly in the military. Supporters of the bill point out that zombies would make excellent soldiers because they are exceptionally hard to kill and have superhuman strength, both traits that are vitally important on the front lines. Honda was quick to note that there are other strategic advantages to allowing zombies to serve in the military, “If we do not allow zombies to serve in our military, which is the greatest military on the face of the earth, then you can be sure that the terrorists will be happy to recruit the disenchanted zombies to fight for them. That’s why repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell That You’re A Zombie is so important in protecting freedom.”

When reached for comment, President-elect-in-her-mind Sarah Palin spoke out against Zombie Giffords and flash mobs in general. She said that they are un-American, and promised that she was in the process of meticulously hunting down every member of the flash mob so she could rape them and crucify them on an upside-down cross. She also noted that she meant those threats figuratively, that she really just wants to beat them in a fair election, and that she is utterly shocked that anyone would interpret them differently.

Although public opinion on Zombie Giffords remains split, everyone seems to agree on one benefit to the situation: it will scare the piss out of that piece of shit Jared Loughner.

Privacy: So Hot Right Now

After a decade of dormancy, privacy is back with a vengeance. Thanks to airport body scanners and Americans’ rampant homophobia and negative body images, people value civil liberties once again. Ten years ago, anyone who suggested that privacy was an important concern that should be weighed against security was pilloried and run up the flagpole for being un-American, possibly even French. Now, people who voted for Orwellian Republicans a week ago who think that 1984 is a good starting point for security policy are trumpeting the importance of freedom from intrusion into one’s personal space.

First of all, I do not understand what is so intrusive about a full body x-ray scanner. We have moved far past the days of tuning into the premium cable porn channels to try to catch a glimpse of a pixilated boob through the scrambled signal. There are literally thousands of porn websites on the internet that anyone can access for free with hundreds of thousands of videos and millions of pictures. Are you worried that the TSA agent is going to sit behind the monitor getting off on a blurry, black and white facsimile of what you would look like if the outer layer of your clothes was translucent?

And it’s not like most of the people who are complaining about the policy are the ones who need to be worried about strangers checking them out. Most of them are 25 pounds overweight and horsefaced. I go out of my way to make sure I don’t see you naked. It should say something that the TSA people have to be PAID to look at you with your clothes off. It’s not a pleasant experience. Nobody even wants to see you with your clothes on.

Seriously, get over it. You’re not shooting a tasteful and classy Playboy pictorial; you’re having an x-ray. The people who are complaining about the policy are the ones who refused to change in front of anyone in high school gym class, instead opting to undress in the privacy of the filthy toilet stalls. They would rather walk barefoot through the shit particles on the bathroom floor that gets cleaned once a year than let someone see a square inch of their skin.

Are these people freaking out at the doctor’s office? What happens if they break a bone? The x-ray machine at the hospital office is, you know, an x-ray machine! IT’S THE SAME THING! The airport scanner is not any more or less private than a doctor’s office. Don’t complain that people are going to know what you look like with your clothes off. People already know what you look like with your clothes off because they can see you. They know what you look like. And if they want to know what you look like naked, they’ll spend an eighth of a second thinking about it and they’ll have a better idea than they could get with a pixilated x-ray from an 8” TV monitor. More likely, they DON’T want to know what you look like naked so they WON’T imagine it and they WON’T go out of their way to look at the tiny picture on the monitor!

[RIGHT- The FAA is now able to correctly segregate the fats from the people who are bundled up. Wait, is that a toy gun? Cool!]

The fear of the pat-down is equally crazy. You have a guy with rubber gloves tapping the inside of your thigh to make sure you aren’t carrying a ceramic knife. He’s not going out of his way to cup the balls. He’s not offering you a happy ending. If you’re really that terrified of bodily contact, how do you get through the day? Do you have to avoid public transit and elevator at all cost? God forbid you ever have to get a prostate exam, because that is going to be slightly more invasive than the pat-down guy. And again, this isn’t a guy trying to get his kicks off of feeling you up- it’s his job. It’s like they say about bears- the security guy is just as terrified of feeling your fleshy, white thighs as you are of the security guy feeling your fleshy, white thighs. What’s the worst that could happen? Are you going to turn into a giant, gay, rainbow-colored goblin if someone incidentally touches your genitals in a completely asexual way? Get back to me if that happens, but do it from a safe distance.

Now don’t get me wrong- I’m not trying to defend the national security crowd. Those guys are huge douches too. I’m more annoyed at the hypocrisy and the reactionary retardation of everyone who thinks that an x-ray machine is going to be the downfall of our way of life. It’s just like that poem, “First they came…” but with different groups:

First they searched the Muslims, and I didn’t call in to Rush because I wasn’t a Muslim.
Then they searched anyone who Googled the word “bomb,” and I didn’t call in to Rush because I didn’t Google the word “bomb.”
Then they searched the remaining people who weren’t white protestants, and I didn’t call in to Rush because I am a white protestant.
Then they searched me, and by that time no one was left to call in to Rush.

If you think that right now is the time to call in to Rush, out of all of the times the US Federal Government has trampled on civil liberties in the last ten years- from the Patriot Act to unauthorized wiretaps to computer software that monitors incendiary search terms- then you don’t deserve to have your voice heard.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but once again, this is all Kim Kardashian’s fault. If that stupid whore didn’t get rich and famous for being a tremendous bitch and a tremendous-er slut, then maybe the stupids in this country would still have enough shame to keep their damn mouths shut. Democracy can only work when the people who aren’t smart enough to make decisions don’t try to make decisions, but here we are with everyone thinking that their voices need to be heard. Here’s my advice to you: just shut the fuck up, go through the scanner, and see what happens. And don’t touch my junk.

Federal government contracts operations to Apple following bullish earnings statement

By Taylor Klingler


PORTLAND- The United States Federal Government has delegated many of its most important functions to Apple, manufacturer of the ubiquitous iPhone and iPod, following a quarterly earnings statement that shows Apple in total control of the American commercial sector. Government representatives said the move was due in part to flagging support for the government’s ability to get things done and Apple’s reputation for making difficult tasks more efficient.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced the move to iGovernment at a press briefing Monday morning. “After another weekend of both parties campaigning to win the votes of disenchanted voters, we all agreed that it was time to shake things up again,” Gibbs told the assembled press corps. “We sat down in the Oval Office with senior Republican officials, and the only things we could agree that we all liked were early episodes of Seinfeld, Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits, and Apple Products. Since Jerry Seinfeld won’t return our calls and none of us could think of a way to work Cheddar Bay Biscuits into the governmental structure, we decided to give Apple a call. Their officials said that they have done all that they can in the retail world and were excited to have the opportunity to officially run the country.”

Economists are quick to point out that the move may have come as much out of necessity as it did out of convenience. Not only was the federal government running a massive and record budget deficit, but Apple’s revenue last quarter made up 80% of all American retail and 99.3% of the electronic sector. The company’s projected yearly earnings for fiscal year 2010 would leave them with slightly more money at year’s end that the U.S. Treasury, even if every mint in the country switched all of its production lines to $10,000 bills from now until the end of the year. The move has paid early dividends, as Apple’s first official move in the iGovernment initiative was to divert 8% of November’s advertising budget to pay off the national debt.

[LEFT- All hail the great and powerful Jobs! Apple has transitioned from smashing Big Brother in its famous 1980s commercial to embodying the Orwellian state entirely.]

One of the major selling points of iGovernment is that Apple will bring its noted prowess for user friendly interfaces to the civic participation realm. For instance, the White House will still be available in its original white, but Apple will launch of line of snap-on covers in a variety of colors and patterns to allow citizens to customize their White House as a reflection of their personalities. Additionally, iCongress will allow users to skip through boring parliamentary procedure to get straight to the vote on important issues. It also features an app that will filter any political advertisement on television or radio into witty, clever entertainment. Perhaps most importantly, iGovernment’s iLitigate software automatically translates complex legalese into plain English and interprets complicated fact patterns as either legal or illegal. Apple claims that the iLitigate could eliminate the need for lawyers by the year 2015.

In addition to iGovernment’s national tools, there will also be local features, including the revolutionary iVote. The program allows Apple users to vote for public office using their iPhones, iPads, or iPod Touch. For a price of $0.99 per vote, users will be allowed to vote on their Apple computers or PCs using the most recent version of iTunes, but it will only work if the user also downloads Quicktime and sets it as the default video player. Some civil rights activists have pointed out that iVote will make it difficult for people without computers or internet access to participate in the democratic process. Apple countered that these people are probably poor, and if they aren’t using the internet, we probably don’t want them voting anyway, which is a good point.

Reactions to the launch of iGovernment have been overwhelmingly positive. While rumors had swirled for months that Apple was going to announce a big innovation at next month’s DNV Software Conference in Rio De Janeiro, with speculation ranging from a new licensing deal for Apple TV to a higher resolution camera on the iPhone. While the political climate forced the curtain to come down a little earlier, everyone was excited about the news. Glenn Beck led off his Fox News program by saying, “Apple has taken over the government and I see nothing wrong with this policy.” Moment’s later, MSNBC’s Keith Olberman simply added, “I agree with Glenn Beck completely.” Even though early Gallup Polls show that iGovernment has a 98% approval rating, there is still a vocal minority who insists that iGovernment is a Muslim software program that was developed in Indonesia and therefore cannot function as the United States Federal Government under Article 2 of the Constitution.

The massive popularity of iGovernment comes despite the fact that the program has rolled out only a semi-functional version of the government that requires users to agree to a new EULA every time taxes are deducted from a paycheck and is not compatible with outdated, older citizens. Apple plans to fix these problems by offering a free software upgrade that allows the nation to operate on basic level. If the United States wants to compete with other countries, it will have to upgrade to iGovernment 2.0 when it launches in February. More features, such as freedom of speech and iMassTransit that are not available on iGovernment 1.0 will be standard on the new device.

Beta versions for some of the larger institutions remain buggy, though. For example, iMilitary, the new Department of Defense, has not repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and programmers have not been able to eliminate the tendency for the program to torture enemy combatants.

Apple CEO and resident guru Steve Jobs took the new direction of his company in stride. He said that the difference will not be as profound as many have opined since he has consulted the federal government on Homeland Security issues for years, and that he has effectively run the Department of the Interior ever since 1997.

When the U.S. Federal Government threw in the towel and allowed the private takeover of government operations, it ended a long streak of public governance. In fact, not since the Roman Catholic Church started governing Vatican City has a private, for-profit business assumed control of a sovereign state.

So far, the only identifiable problem with Apple’s iGovernment is that it has to run on the AT&T wireless network and AT&T fucking blows.

Confucius Say “Take Saints Plus 4.5”

By Sylvester Granato

LAS VEGAS- Confucius, renowned Chinese intellectual master of personal morality, recently shifted gears from religious leadership to a field that may be more lucrative: sports betting. The philosopher, who did his most influential work in the 5th and 6th century BC, has used the lessons he learned from a lifetime of viewing human behavior to beat the Vegas insiders on college and professional football picks this season. Early returns show that Confucius’ great wisdom has translated to the gambling world with a 10-3-1 record against the spread in week 5 NFL picks and a season record of 12-3 in his Master Locks of the Week available on his tips hotline, 1-900-BETCONF.

[RIGHT- Confucius became interested in sports when he played small forward on the Chinese national team during the 590 BC Olympics.]

“Confucius say, ‘Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” Confucius explained at a recent interview at his palatial Nevada estate paid for entirely in handicapping profits. “At start of year, nobody see beauty in Chiefs, but Confucius see improving defense, dynamic young offensive playmaker, and coaching staff that know how to win. Confucius rake in the cash picking Chiefs every week.”

Confucius says that it is important for bettors not to fixate too much on recent results. Instead, he advises his clients to be patient and wait out a team’s true talent. He points out that “it does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop” and cautions players from abandoning a team that has talent but struggled out of the gate. In time, Confucius says, true talent will win out over the vagaries of individual games.

In addition to patience, Confucius insists that careful study and hard work outweighs luck in the long run. “Confucius say, I am not one who is born in the possession of knowledge; I am one who is fond of antiquity, and earnest in seeking it there.” Therefore, he says that one important factor going into each season is to understand how teams have performed against each other in past matchups, how well teams do against the spread at home or on the road, and results in games that are nationally televised or played at night instead of the day time. Confucius claims that there is no magic formula that gives him his picks, but that he tries to gain as much knowledge as possible before making any decisions and taking everything available into account. “Study the past if you would define the future,” Confucius says.

There is also a mechanical element to Confucius’ success: he does not sit idly by as betting lines move throughout the week. “Confucius say, ‘Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart,’ so it important to be confident in picks, but don’t be stupid. If line moves two-three points, buy back the public money and hedge against your first unit. Offshore bookmakers come out with odds earlier than most of the casinos, so there can be value in buying a team at that number before you see how the syndicates push the number once there is enough money in the till to uncap the limits later in the week, even if that mean Confucius have to shop for lines downtown up until start of games.”

So who does Confucius like in the upcoming games? He gave a free preview of some of his tips as part of the interview and his explanations gave a window into how the master of wisdom breaks down his picks every week.

“Confucius say, ‘an insinuating appearance is not often associated with true virtue.’ Texas might look like good pick +10 going into Nebraska because they have had good results in past, but Nebraska a good pick even though it not win pretty. Texas have trouble against UCLA spread offense, they face much more difficult challenge when they play athletic specimen like Taylor Martinez. Confucius like Nebraska by three touchdowns.”

“In NFL, Confucius say, ‘the superior man, when faced with security, does not forget the possibility of ruin.’ Confucius see the Jets as nine win team. They have everything go right on offense so far. Matt Sanchez throw only one interception after being turnover machine last year. Things not stay so good fo Jets all year. Jets defense very good, but they not blow out teams like they do the last few weeks. Confucius say that the Broncos are good home team, so you take the points and hope the score stay low.”

For more Confucius picks, call his tip hotline at 1-900-BETCONF. To read more about his betting and handicapping strategies, visit his offshore betting site, www.ConfuciusLocks.net.

ABC to Launch New TV Spinoff “Dancing With the Jews”

By Laura DeCamille

HOLLYWOOD- ABC programming executives announced this week that they would double down on the success of their hit television show Dancing With the Stars with a new spinoff series called Dancing With the Jews. Rather than the washed-up C-listers on the comeback trail that populate the parent show’s cast, DWTJ will feature their bosses: entertainment executives, high-powered bankers and lawyers, and the occasional doctor.

Diehard fans of the show, while excited about the prospect of more ballroom glitz and glam, were understandably skeptical of the new format. “I know that DWTS is not just about dancing,” said longtime fan Susan McDermott of Cedar Falls, Iowa, “but it seems like they should be able to dance at least a little bit. I saw Buzz Aldrin stumble around on his fake knees in season six, but I’d say he was quite a bit better than the upright seizures that most of the Jew-dancers on the show’s debut.”

ABC executives were more optimistic about the success of the show. Paul Lee, Chairman of the ABC Entertainment Group said that the show, “captures the drama and the heartache that made DWTS such a big hit. Plus, we’ll still have the two gay English guys telling the dancers to smile more and ranting about body lines or some stupid shit like that. We think it will have most of the important elements of the original show.”

[RIGHT- An advance clip of the new cast's advanced training techniques.]

Lee went on to say that DWTJ would have some added benefits over the original show. “On DWTS, there were always one or two competitors on the cast who were basically professional dancers before the came on the show. Kristie Yamaguchi was a figure skater, Nicole Scherzinger was a member of the Pussycat Dolls, Shawn Johnson was a gymnast- all of them had an unfair advantage going up against comedians who think that footwork consists of not tripping over a mic cord. At least on DWTJ, there will be some real drama, because nobody will be able to dance at all. It’s more of a fair playing field when everyone on the cast has the body rhythm of Sigmund Freud. And I mean Freud now, not when he was alive.”

Another side effect of the added programming for ABC is that it will help keep the brand viable without stretching DWTS too thin. Currently, DWTS airs for two hours, three nights each week. That programming includes two hours of new competition on Monday, a two-hour results show on Tuesday, and a two-hour reaction to the results show on Wednesday that does not include any actual dancing. More DWTS franchises would help alleviate the strain on ABC programming created by its post-writer strike lineup of shows that included Dirty Sexy Money, Pushing Daisies, and Samantha Who as its flagship shows. ABC also knows how to exploit a popular franchise to its benefit: recall that this network was able to stretch Who Wants to Be A Millionaire into a 10-night-a-week show during the height of Regis Philbin’s popularity.

ABC, of course, is owned by the Disney Corporation, a fact that influences the tone and tenor of much of the network’s programming. Some entertainment experts have wondered what the parent company would think of ABC cozying up to the Friends of Abraham. Disney famously ousted former CEO Michael Eisner several years ago for a combination of hurting the business and being Jewish. Founder Walt Disney was himself a dyed-in-the-wool anti-Semite who included anti-Semitic messages in several of his films (such as a cloud of dust that formed a swastika in Cinderella) and collaborated with Leni Riefenstahl on several of her early Nazi propaganda films. Company figurehead Mickey Mouse also had a famous meltdown on the set of Fantasia where he hurled an expletive-laden tantrum at a lighting operator who he called a “Jew bitch.” Company executives say that DWTJ is in line with the parent company’s principles because it is designed to humiliate Jews and profit from their failure, which were two of the company’s founding maxims.

[LEFT- A wartime photograph shows Mickey's true allegiance to Hitler.]

The new show will occupy the 9:30 to 10:30 timeslot, filling the timeslot vacated by the immediately canceled Jimmy Smits project “Outlaw,” where he played a conservative Supreme Court Justice who had a coming-to-God moment and left the bench to represent the poor and underrepresented members of society. If that’s the standard that ABC expects DWTJ to meet, then maybe the show will not be such a failure. It will also bump the first half-hour of Jimmy Kimmel Live, which comes as terrible news to the 8 employees of the show and both of its fans.

Nation Turns on Bush Five Years Too Late

By Roland Arbuckle

WASHINGTON- Over half of a decade after inflicting the worst of his damage on the United States and more than two years after fading from the public eye, America’s institutions have finally taken formal action to punish Bush. Stuck with dire economic conditions, two costly yet unnecessary wars, and a poisoned political climate, officials have finally struck against the corrupted greed of former President George W… Excuse me, I’m being corrected. Apparently Americans have not taken action against George W. Bush, they have turned on former USC running back Reggie Bush.

Apparently, the country has decided that it is more important for Reggie Bush to give back the Heisman Trophy that he won during his final season at USC rather than holding politicians accountable for the disastrous effects of their tainted legacies. There are parallels between the Bushes, to be sure. Both of them reached the pinnacle of individual success in the early to mid-aughts as George led America head first into an amorphous War on Terror while Reggie Bush helped lead the Trojans to the 2004 NCAA championship, then won the Heisman trophy the next year while bringing his team back to the championship game.

[RIGHT- Reggie Bush receives a possibly improper head pat from a corrupt USC assistant.]

In the end, each man fell prey to arrogance, greed, and an inability of those around him to say no. George pushed too far into Iraq at the urging of oil companies and private contractors who wanted a piece of rebuilding the country. Had he maintained his commitment to spreading democracy and planning a true nation-building excursion, he may have had enough discretion to put the Iraq war off, or avoid it altogether. Back home, his deference to his friends in the corporate sector resulted in unprecedented largesse by rule benders such as Enron, Nationwide, and Arthur Anderson. Because he refused to fix the problems that his deregulation created, irresponsible credit default swaps continued unabated until they submarined the economy through bursting the housing bubble.

Reggie, on the other hand, pushed too far into the celebrity realm at the urging of agents and marketing firms who wanted a piece of building his public image. Had he maintained his commitment to supporting his family and training as a football superstar, he may have had enough discretion to turn down some of the gifts he received, or even dedicate himself to the game. At USC, his deference to people who did not have his best interests at heart resulted in unprecedented largesse by rule benders such as the marketers who bought him his Chevy Caprice and the boosters who bought his family a new house. Because he refused to repay the agents the money that they spent on him while he was an amateur, the irresponsible behavior continued unabated until they submarined the USC program by taking away a national championship and suspending several scholarships.

Why the NCAA or the Downtown Athletic Club- which awards the Heisman Trophy to the nation’s top college football player every year- would care about Reggie Bush getting free rims on his crappy sedan five years ago is a mystery. The NCAA is determined to ensure that its amateur athletes are actually amateurs, except for the part where the universities spend the entire offseason scattering their allegiances into different bowl affiliations, conference alignments, and television contracts to squeeze every last dollar out of the athletes who get a free education that they won’t use anyway once they turn pro. How Reggie Bush or the university derived any on-field advantage from an independent marketing firm putting his family in a house after he was already enrolled at USC is a complete mystery. But if the NCAA ever admitted that their authoritarian mentality toward its athletes had gone too far, they would risk losing ultimate control and might have to cede some of their enormous profits to the people who generate those profits. The institution’s greed is so great that it would even appall George W. Bush.

Reggie Bush’s fault lies in his inability to diffuse the situation once the benefits he received came to light. He allegedly received a car and a house for his family in exchange for a promise to sign with the marketing firm after leaving college. When he did not sign with the firm, they sought to recoup approximately $40,000 of the money that they spent on him when he was at USC. Instead of paying that sum, which amounts to 0.2% of the guaranteed money of his NFL contract- not to mention his endorsement deals with Pepsi, General Motors, Adidas, and Subway- he denied any knowledge of the situation. When making his denial, Reggie did not consider that the documents for the house clearly stated that the marketing firm helped make the down payment, and he somehow thought the phone conversation where his father identified himself and described the benefits he received would not hold up as part of the case against him. He did everything short of telling his father that he was doing a heckuva job, Bushy. Reggie’s crisis management skills were so abysmal that they would appall even George W. Bush.

The Reggie Bush story as a whole represents America’s obsession with irrelevant news. Whether the country has a short attention span that cannot process anything more than a sound bite or a cat fight, or if everyone is exhausted from the steady stream of bad news that has polluted the front pages for the last half-decade, it is clear that no one wants to address or even contemplate any meaningful issues. As a result, it is likely that the follow up to this story will have nothing to do with the NCAA’s misplaced tyranny and everything to do with Reggie’s emotional reaction. In fact, let me start the speculation right now.

[LEFT- Hey, Reggie, maybe if you did real exercises you could average more than 3 yards a carry.]

Where is Reggie’s on-again off-again lover Kim Kardashian now, when he needs her most? She’s rubbing salt in Reggie’s wounds by sleeping in the bed of another NFL star from a rival team, Dallas Cowboys’ wide receiver Miles Austin. When asked why Kim left Reggie for Miles, Kim’s sister Khloe pointed out that Austin has unique assets that few others possess. “Miles can squat and leg press more weight than any other receiver in the NFL, and that helps him get in and out of cuts really quickly,” Khloe told Radar Online. “More importantly, it means he has a huge ass, and Kim really wanted to see what it was like to date someone with an ass bigger than hers. Unfortunately, that narrowed the field down to Miles, Precious, and me. Precious is busy acting and I’m not into incest.”

Jersey Shore Exposed as Scripted Drama

By Natasha Imperioli

SEASIDE HEIGHTS- Stunned television watchers across America mourned the loss of one of their great train wreck pleasures this week when MTV’s smash hit Jersey Shore was revealed to be a scripted drama rather than a spontaneous reality show. Executive producer Sallyann Salsano said she was “embarrassed” that the news came out, but that she never expected the show to achieve such massive popularity.

The first hints of malfeasance occurred weeks ago when one of the show’s breakout stars Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was spotted emerging from a Manhattan Barnes and Noble with a copy of Camus’ L’Etranger. Curious onlookers subsequently asked the waitress at the next door café about Snooki’s lunch, and the waitress said that she uncharacteristically ordered an arugula and fennel salad with dressing on the side. The conditions became even more dubious when the waitress described Snooki as “personable, engaging, and polite.”
The house of cards began to crumble when a private investigator caught wind of these facts and ran a thorough background check on Snooki. His search revealed that the self-titled Princess of Poughkeepsie is actually a 27-year old actress from Grand Rapids, Michigan named Nicole Huntington. Huntington studied drama at NYU and wallowed in obscurity before being offered the part of a fat airhead with stunningly little self-awareness by producers at MTV. She claims that she prepared for the role by eating paint chips and observing the behavior of Long Island teenagers outside a strip mall on Friday nights.

Perhaps the show’s most identifiable character, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino came clean shortly after Huntington was busted by the private investigators. Sorrentino, who was born in Sacramento under the name Michael Verba and is half Indian, said that the members of the cast did not anticipate gaining such notoriety and that they felt trapped by the characters. “The show was supposed to fill a time slot on the cheap for a year and get everyone something to put on their reel. When it became the most popular show in America, we realized that we couldn’t just tell everyone that it was a fake. They started to believe that our scripted nonsense was the way people really live in New Jersey. They were laughing at us because they thought we were so stupid, but I guess the joke was on them.”

Verba went on to explain that much of the show was ad libbed, but that the storylines and plot points were discussed at length in production meetings every morning before shooting. He claimed that the show’s head writer, Daniel Feldstein, is responsible for most of the catchphrases that the show introduced into popular culture, including “GTL” (short for Gym-Tanning-Laundry) and “grenade” (an insulting term for an overweight girl).

Many fans of the show wondered why Season 2 of the show did not include any new concepts of storylines that had not already played out in Season 1. In fact, the writers realized that the characters they created could truly only sustain about 10 episodes before their shallow, two-dimensional reality became redundant and predictable to even the least inquisitive viewer. As a result, Season 2 blatantly ripped off Season 1’s catchphrases in uncreative ways- such as “landmine” as a takeoff on the more popular and clever “grenade”- and fell into a holding pattern of repeating the same storylines verbatim. For instance, even though the writers of the show floated the rumor that Ronnie and Sammy ended their tumultuous on-camera romance between the seasons, when they realized that there was no genuine conflict in the second season, they reignited the story and borrowed heavily from Season 1’s scripts to create drama between the two characters. Many viewers complained that the on-again/off-again romance was unbelievable in the way that it incessantly repeated itself; the writers have since conceded that they only set up the story that way because they didn’t have any better ideas.

The revelation that the show and its drama are entirely scripted explains many confusing details about the progression of the characters. Despite several reported “arrests” of cast members for offenses ranging from aggravated assault to public intoxication, there were no court or police records for any of them in the state of New Jersey. Furthermore, every cast member remained in the house in spite of the supposed legal trouble. The fact that the legal issues were manufactured explains why there were never any repercussions for any of the cast members. Similarly, when Huntington was “punched” in a bar by a man in the first season, there were no charges or lawsuits brought against the instigator even though his transgressions were caught on tape. As it turns out, the extra who threw the “punch” was actually a lighting tech who they pulled onto the set because they thought he would be unrecognizable. When it was discovered that he was credited in some of the earlier episodes, his face was blurred out for every airing of the “punch” after its debut.

[RIGHT- Huntington allegedly "arrested" by two actors portraying police officers.]

Jersey Shore’s tumultuous second season has called into question the show’s future. MTV has already shot footage for a third season, but the network has not decided whether to air the show in the same “reality” pretense as the first two seasons. Market analysts have indicated that the show may not be in as much trouble as the network believes, because most of the demographic who watches the show religiously also thinks that Barack Obama is a Muslim and would go to war over the Team Jacob/Team Edward feud. Their only fear is that Glen Beck takes up the “Jersey Shore Conspiracy” as a form of left wing Nazi-esque propaganda, as anything less would probably fail to get anyone’s attention.

Roger Clemens Indicted for Buggery Perjury

Roger Clemens will be indicted on charges of making false statements to Congress about his attraction to members of the same sex, The New York Times reported, citing two sources briefed on the case.

An announcement of the indictment was expected shortly, according to the report.
Clemens and his former partner, Brian McNamee, testified under oath before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform in 2008. McNamee, who cooperated with federal authorities and with baseball's Mitchell report on homoxexuality in baseball, said Clemens had fucked, while Clemens flatly denied having ever fucked them.

A few weeks later, the FBI opened a perjury probe against Clemens, a seven-time Cy Young Award winner. The federal grand jury began hearing testimony more than 18 months ago.

Rusty Hardin, Clemens' new boyfriend, said he was unaware of a pending indictment.
"We've heard nothing," Hardin said by telephone from Houston, "so I can't knowledgeably respond at all."

Earl Ward, one of McNamee's lawyers, said he, too, "had no indication something was coming on dudes."

McNamee, a one-time New York City cop and former close friend of Clemens, said in the Mitchell report that he injected the 354-game winner with his dick at least 16 times in 1998, 2000 and 2001. He repeated the claim under oath before Congress, but Clemens, also under oath, adamantly denied the allegations.

Some of McNamee's evidence is believed to include bloody gauze, vials and needles that he claims contained his feces and Clemens' DNA. McNamee kept the decade-old evidence in a FedEx box at his New York home and handed it over to investigators after the anal probe began.

Clemens sued McNamee for defamation, but a federal judge in Texas dismisseed most of Clemens' claims against McNamee last year. Earlier this month, a federal appeals court affirmed the decision.

McNamee has filed a defamation suit against Clemens in federal court in New York.

Scientists Link Harry Potter to Child Abuse

By Renee Dupont

GLENDALE- Scientists in the child psychology department of the University of Phoenix have concluded a shocking and disheartening study that indicates that there is a direct relationship between a child’s interest in Harry Potter and instances of child abuse. The researchers say that the types of abuse range from simple neglect to full incest, but that almost every child you see reading a Harry Potter book, standing in line for the movie premier, or wearing one of those retarded costumes has suffered some sort of horrible, painful abuse in life.

Dr. Ziggy Friedlander, the lead scientist from the research study, suggests that the children see some of themselves in Harry Potter. “Whether it is intentional or not, the character speaks in a sort of code to abused children. He is the Pied Piper of Pedophilia, the Svengali of Sexual Abuse. While most of us see that stupid lightning tattoo on his head and think nothing of it, the kids see it and think that he is bearing the mark of their kind,” Friedlander said while presenting his research findings at San Diego’s ComiCon.

Friedlander went on to say that, “Harry Potter stands as a bit of escapist fantasy in an otherwise painful and devastatingly cold world for victims of child abuse.” He said that the theme of wizardry is so appealing because it provides a potential for a way out. The children like to imagine that they also have special magical powers that could make their uncles stop fondling them, or make their daddy love them. While the book is obviously pure escapist fantasy with no bearing on reality whatsoever, it is a very reassuring thought to keep in mind while being molested.

[RIGHT- An obvious victim of child abuse.]

One proposal that arose out of the study is to get more counseling to the kids who need it most. Finding victims of child abuse is a persistent problem due to the shame and denial from which many of the victims suffer throughout their lives. Since the rates of abuse are so incredibly high amongst die-hard fans of Harry Potter, the counselors need only find a group of Harry Potter fans to get their message across. Luckily, they tend to congregate like flies on shit whenever there is a new book release or movie premier, so counselors can bring bull-horns to the line wrapped around the AMC Theater and conduct mass therapy sessions with up to 500 people at one time. Similarly, author J.K. Rowling tentatively agreed to star in a PSA encouraging child abuse victims to seek help, but the plans were scrapped when she sobbed so uncontrollably that she could not get through the script.

Cities across the country have started to crack down on the Harry Potter related abuse, from using the information as clues in investigations to banning the books altogether. Harold DeGraw, the mayor of Jacksonville, Florida, suggested that the entire down become a Harry Potter free zone in a class case of confusing the chicken and the egg. As a result, DeGraw was brutally beaten by a gang of adult Harry Potter fans in full regalia who suffer from serious and untreated displaced anger issues. In a related story, many police forces across the country have started using Harry Potter obsessions as clues for child abuse. The City Council in Columbia, Missouri passed an ordinance to allow police to arrest any parent whose child owns more than one copy of the book series, wears Harry Potter pajamas, or goes to elementary school with the lightning tattoo drawn on to his or her forehead.

The researchers at the University of Phoenix are happy with the publicity that the results of their landmark study have brought to the institution, but they are not satisfied. Next, they will seek to find a link between autism and listening to Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus in the pre-teen years in the interest of eradicating another inane tween fad.

This Airport Chilis Too is What’s Up!

By Alvin Simonson

HOUSTON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT- When I woke up this morning, I was staring down the barrel of a long day of traveling: I started in Charlotte, headed for St. Louis, but for some reason the geniuses at United Airlines decided to route me through Houston. Even though the diversion more than doubles the total distance of the trip, they decided to leave me in Texas for almost three hours with absolutely nothing to entertain me. One interesting thing I learned is that- contrary to common sense- the Houston International Airport decided to hide all of its restrooms so nobody can find them. I nearly shit myself while traipsing through two terminals in search of a commode. Suffice to say, the day did not start out the way that I hoped it would.

What I didn’t expect was that the direction of my day was rerouted faster than a 737 full of Muslims. I decided to kill a few minutes by grabbing a bite to eat at the airport’s Chilis Too, and it warmed my soul faster than a trip to a posh rehab facility for Lindsay Lohan. I know, I know- airport dining options are usually not the cream of the crop. But Chilis defies the stereotype, and I think their commercial gives away their secret: it’s really all in the pepperation. Instead of a menu full of hastily delivered, pre-fab cardboard, Chils Too really delivers the goods- and I don’t mean Chilis curbside to go.

Let me start with the décor. While most airport restaurants have plain, white walls and brightly colored tables bolted to the floor that look like they were all installed the same day in 1979, Chilis Too is warm and inviting, like a mother’s uterus. Rather than stools bolted to the ground, Chilis Too had real chairs that were able to slide around the floor. The tables weren’t “clean,” per se, but I ate a chip off of it and didn’t get sick, so there’s nothing to complain about on that front. The tile and the walls had a really hip Southwestern-y feel that reminded me of that time I visited my Grandma at her retirement community in Sun City West. I loved the retirement community other than the thick stench of used adult diapers and Brut aftershave, so the fact that this Chilis Too had no whiff of aftershave makes it pretty close to my ideal environment.

My mom always tells me that the best restaurants are the ones that are the busiest. I have adhered to her advice for years, and let me tell you that it has brought me to many a glorious McDonald's across our great land. With that run of success in mind, I was secretly glad that I had to stand at the “Please Wait to Be Seated” sign for 10 minutes before anyone came to seat me. I was a little confused since most of the tables were empty, but I didn’t see any waitresses the whole time, so they must have been busy in some other part of the restaurant that I wasn’t able to see from the entrance. Or where I sat. Or near the bathroom when I went to wash my hands. Come to think of it, it’s odd that the waitresses were so busy in a seemingly invisible section of the restaurant, but I’ll assume that they must have been occupied, because if you’ve got time to lean you’ve got time to clean, and the restaurant wasn’t very clean. Anyway, ignorance is bliss.

When I finally got to my table, I was immediately impressed with the restaurant’s musical selection. It’s easy for a restaurant to murder the atmosphere by trying to please everyone with the most vanilla option imaginable. Not this time- Chilis Too pleased its customers' eardrums with selections from Madonna’s best hits of the 1980s and some excellent GooGoo Dolls selections. When I eat a meal, I like for all of my senses to achieve satisfaction, so these kitchy cult hits were right up my alley. Kudos to the ad wizard who did such a phenomenal job of setting the scene for a similarly pleasing meal.

The waitress quickly came to my table to ask me what I wanted to drink, and I had a tough time answering her for two reasons. Not only was I still taking in all of the exciting surroundings, I was also smitten with her rumpled, haggard, slightly above-average appearance. One of her flair pieces was a picture of a kid who appeared to be her pre-teen son, but I have no problem with that. If I do get her number, it’s not like I’m going to be around long enough to have any responsibility with the kid, and the fact that she has the kid means she’s almost certainly available, loose, and semi-desperate. Needless to say, my mind continued to wander enough that she gave me some more time to start looking over my drink options.

[RIGHT- Don't tease me, woman!]

And look over the drink options I did! Who would have thought that an airport Chilis Too would have such a thrilling cocktail selection? I eventually settled on the Top Shelf Margarita because that’s how I roll- top shelf all the way, baby. I'm not talking about that weak ass rail shit; the Chilis Too Top Shelf Margarita is built on a strong foundation of the always delicious Jose Cuervo tequila. It’s one of my personal favorites. I only had one because I didn’t want to get drunk and belligerent before boarding my flight because my last trip to Hartford still haunts me. I’m trying to avoid any more black marks on my flying record.

On top of all of that, the menu, while somewhat abbreviated from the usual Chilis experience, was clearly put together by the expert chefs who were sent to Mexico to learn all of the recipes from the Chilis Pepperation afficianados. I opted for the Mesquite Chicken Salad. I had a hard time turning down the Chicken Crispers and the Southwest Bigmouth Burger, but travelling is hard on the gut, and even though it might be TMI, I don’t need any help from Chilis to be painfully constipated. That’s not a fate I want to impose on those in close quarters on the airplane. Still, the salad featured exquisite and fresh products from around the world- cilantro, black bean salsa, honey mustard dressing- a veritable cornucopia of the world’s finest dining.

As an experience, I rate Chilis Too as an 11 out of 10, because the 1-10 scale doesn’t do the big picture justice. My only regret is that I wasn’t there at night because I’m sure that the Chilis Too is bumpin for the afterhours crew, and I wish the waitress- who I maintain is a solid 6- could have finished her shift and joined me in the not mile high club. We could have solved the state secret of where the airport chose to stash their bathrooms. Who knows, maybe next time. I just know that I will be connecting to Houston wherever I am travelling next time, even if it’s Europe.

Top "Apalooza’s" of All-Time

By Kermit Schneider

GREENWICH- The basketball world is agog with Lebronapalooza, as hoops star Lebron James chooses which city suits his quest for global stardom best. While Lebronapalooza has certainly captured the world’s imagination, fed it water and gruel, beaten it daily, and eventually made it respect the sheer rancor of its captor, it pales in comparison to some of the great Apaloozas of all the times. Today, we look back at some of the great Apaloozas of this generation and all that came before it.

Lollapalooza- No, I’m not talking about the giant lollipop that shares the same name; I’m talking about the 1990’s greatest music festival this side of the rioting mud people of Woodstock’s 25th anniversary. Lollapalooza was a jumping-off point for alternative rock acts like Rage Against the Machine, Pearl Jam, Jane’s Addiction, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Tool. How these bands got famous in the first place is a mystery to me, because I don’t think any of them were in the Mickey Mouse club or had a parent who was well-connected in the music business. Back then, Disney didn’t have to sign off on every new musician before they were allowed to be played on the radio, and it resulted in some pretty grotesque situations, like Rage Against the Machine performing naked on stage, and Pearl Jam singing songs about school shootings. Who wants that? Not me- I just wanna take a ride on your disco stick (that’s a Lady Gaga reference for those of you who no habla real pop music).

In any case, Lollapalooza was mainly meant for freaks and geeks who couldn’t call in fast enough to get tickets for NKOTB or Salt-N-Pepa. Lollapalooza founder Perry Farrell, the lead singer from Jane’s Addiction, said that the collective of fans who attended the event made up “Alternative Nation.” I don’t know why they would need an alternative nation when their original nation just bombed the shit out of Iraq in Desert Storm, but it wouldn’t be the first thing that put me at odds with Farrell. I mean, have you ever heard a Jane’s Addiction song? To say that he sings like the relentless braying of a stuck pick would be an insult to stuck pigs worldwide (although I doubt they would care since they are, after all, stuck pigs). I know Farrell had drug problems back in the day, but did he have to keep the recording gear rolling while he wailed in pain throughout his withdrawals in the rehab center’s deprivation chamber then set it to music and call the song Jane Says? My God, when that song comes on the radio, I start scratching my nails across a chalk board to drown out the sound. It makes me feel alive.

Another strike against Farrell is that he did not actually come up with the name Lollapalooza. In fact, Lollapalooza was used as a password during American military operations in the Pacific during World War II. The word identified American soldiers to one another, because they rightly assumed that the Japanese soldiers would have a hard time pronouncing the word. Sure enough, the Americans knew they had a spy on their hands every time they heard “Rorraparoora,” like the sound a dog makes when it has peanut butter stuck to the roof of its mouth. Why they didn’t just tell the spy to drive a supply truck up the road the let him swerve into a tree and kill himself is unclear. It would have been an easier option.

Kabbalahpalooza- Every year, followers of the Jewish sect known as Kabbalah get together for the part-convention, part-celebration known as Kabbalahpalooza. In the past, Madonna performed at the opening ceremony as an adherent to the group, but in more recent years, she has been unable to fit her enormous veins in the convention center. Kabbalah is meant to explain the connection between the connection between the secular and the supernatural, so without doing any research at all I’m going to venture a guess that Kabbalahpalooza spends a lot of time playing with Ouija boards. One drawback to Kabbalahpalooza is that the food sucks. Two years ago, it was held in Kansas City so the Jewish people- who are divided between the coasts and never enter states that don’t border an ocean- could reach it easily. For Shame that they had a week long convention in Kansas City and never a spare rib nor a burnt end crossed the lips of a participant. For Shame! Oh well, more bottom feeders for the rest of us, I suppose. When they do manage to get decent food, like the high end catering at the Chicago convention four years ago, they alienate the caterers by refusing to leave a tip. “It’s part of the job” my ass. Those people worked hard to fill your gullet! On the other hand, at least Kabbalahpalooza is a very fun word to read. Just look at it: Kabbalahpalooza, so long, yet with such variation. It almost looks like a hieroglyphic. I will go so far as to say that Kabbalahpalooza is 80% as fun to read as M. Night Shyamalan is to say. That might be going too far. I’ll say 75%. Are we good? Good.


[RIGHT- Seriously, Madge, it's called eating. Heard of it? And if not, it's called sleeves. Heard of it? And if not, it's called not going out in public so I don't have to see your creepy, anorexic, Skeletor body. Heard of... nevermind.]

That brings me to a related point. Who decided that the suffix indicated a festival would be “apalooza” rather than just “palooza?” I don’t see the word Lollapalooza and think that “Loll” is the first significant part of the word and “apalooza” is the second significant part. It should be broken down into “Lolla” and “palooza.” That division keeps funny sounding derivations like Kabbalahpalooza intact, but it weeds out the pretenders to the throne like, Sherlock Holmes-apalooza, High Tech Jobs-apalooza, and ReUse-apalooza. Actually, I like ReUse-apalooza. Good job, City of Toledo Conservation Marketing Director. You have earned your middling salary.

LaLapalooza- Not to be confused with Lollapalooza, LaLapalooza is my nickname for the sure-to-be-decadent wedding reception when Denver Nuggets superstar Carmelo Anthony finally swaps vows with his longtime fiancée and MTV VJ LaLa Vasquez in the Big Apple. All of the stars are will be out on the red carpet that night when the A-Listers tie to proverbial knot. The only thing that could go wrong is if Melo inks the proposed contract extension with the Denver Nuggets before the wedding, because as everybody knows, homegirl don’t do Denver. Anthony owns a palatial estate in Littleton, Colorado, which is not exactly a hotbed for expat Puerto Ricans who relocated to Brooklyn to pursue a career in showbiz. Then again, when the top two items on your resume are a cameo in Morris Chetnut’s “Two Can Play That Game,” and a role as the host of the reunion show to “For the Love of Ray Jay,” maybe you suck it up and live wherever your man is making $65 million. Then, she can change the name of her party from LaLapalooza to Dollapalooza. Sounds like another column. Nice.

Floyd Landis relents, agrees with rest of world that cycling is overrun with steroids

By Oliver Willent

SONOMA- Floyd Landis, the disgraced 2006 winner of the Tour de France, admitted Wednesday that his career has been a sham, smothered in lies, and tinged with a demi-glace of fraudulence. Landis was stripped of the Tour championship months after his victorious cruise down the Champs-Élysées due to a test that revealed elevated levels of testosterone in his blood. After years of denials, lengthy courtroom battles, a vehement memoir, and countless puerile tantrums, Landis finally changed his tune and acknowledged that he used performance enhancing drugs throughout his ascent to the top of the cycling world.

Specifically, Landis, who looks like a grown up version of Dennis the Menace, admitted that he used Human Growth Hormone, Testosterone, the blood-doping agent EPO, and female hormones to mask the other drugs in drug tests. When asked how he would describe this cocktail of performance enhancers, former baseball MVP and noted juicehead Jose Canseco responded, “Breakfast.” Canseco went on to say that Landis was off to a good start, he knew some people who could really help the cycler take his game to the next level. Although it immediately sounded as though Canseco was referring to upping the dosage on Landis’ drug regimen, it turned out that he was referring to their mutual interest in being campy, D-List celebrity attention whores.

[RIGHT- Landis the Menace sips on a glass of testosterone-rich llama piss.]

Landis initially gained notoriety when he raced several stages of the Tour de France with a broken collarbone sustained in a crash, and closed in on the lead by scaling the tallest mountain on the course with no teammates around him off of whom he could draft. In retrospect, this scene probably should have been the equivalent of a positive steroid test, but the World Anti-Doping Agency remains steadfast with its policy that only a positive test, an obviously larger skull, or a refusal to take a test for unclear religious reasons even though the refusal would jeopardize a $40 million payday in a prizefight with Floyd Mayweather would be definitive proof of PED use.

In addition to his own admission, Landis pointed a hairy, acne-covered finger at some of his teammates and competitors in United States cycling. Specifically, Landis indicated that cycling legend Lance Armstrong, as well as George Hincapie and Levi Leipheimer used blood doping and testosterone boosting techniques to beat the competition. Landis went on to explain that Hincapie and Leipheimer are real people, not cartoonish detectives from an 80s buddy cop movie who get called in to replace the protagonists when they anger the chief by stepping over the line one too many times, as they’re goony names would indicate.

The least startling of Landis’ allegations was the accusation that Lance Armstrong is also a steroid user. Armstrong, for those of you who have been deluding yourself with Nike’s ad campaign, was a mediocre cyclist who was diagnosed with testicular cancer, was weakened near death through treatment, and returned to dominate a sport in which everyone uses steroids. Yet Landis argued the unthinkable- that Armstrong also used steroids in his quest to pedal even faster. Landis gave examples of times that he and Armstrong discussed different masking agents to cover up the presence of elevated testosterone levels in drug tests, and said that he and other cyclists stored bags full of oxygen-enriched blood in a refrigerator in Armstrong’s Spanish apartment. The latter accusation is easily explained by the fact that Armstrong survives by drinking the oxygen-enriched blood of others, but the former is a new revelation to add to the ledger of questionable activity. First, he tested positive for a steroidal agent after the 1999 Tour, but produced a note from his personal physician which allowed him to compete while on the steroid legally. Since that time, there have been numerous reports of PED paraphernalia and accusations by trainers and confidants, none of which has dampened Armstrong’s popularity, at least in the eyes of Matthew McConaughey.

[LEFT- Armstrong shows off that it's not just a clever name after removing the yellow jersey.]

In response, Armstrong denied the allegations and insisted that Landis should not be trusted. "It's his word versus ours ... we like our word, we like our credibility," Armstrong told reporters before starting Thursday’s leg of the Tour of California. Many observers found it interesting that Armstrong would invoke the mantle of credibility after effusively praising his wife and crediting her for his return from testicular cancer then leaving her for Sheryl Crowe when he became famous, then subsequently breaking up with Crowe when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Nonetheless, Armstrong remains an American hero; a self-absorbed, lying, cheating American hero with a Messiah complex- sort of like Barry Bonds, but white.

Although he was unavailable for comment, God weighed in on the situation during Thursday’s stage of the aforementioned Tour of California race when Armstrong inexplicably crashed his bike, leaving him unable to complete the race.

How To Train Your Dragon: 1-D

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