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By Oliver Willent
SONOMA- Floyd Landis, the disgraced 2006 winner of the Tour de France, admitted Wednesday that his career has been a sham, smothered in lies, and tinged with a demi-glace of fraudulence. Landis was stripped of the Tour championship months after his victorious cruise down the Champs-Élysées due to a test that revealed elevated levels of testosterone in his blood. After years of denials, lengthy courtroom battles, a vehement memoir, and countless puerile tantrums, Landis finally changed his tune and acknowledged that he used performance enhancing drugs throughout his ascent to the top of the cycling world.
Specifically, Landis, who looks like a grown up version of Dennis the Menace, admitted that he used Human Growth Hormone, Testosterone, the blood-doping agent EPO, and female hormones to mask the other drugs in drug tests. When asked how he would describe this cocktail of performance enhancers, former baseball MVP and noted juicehead Jose Canseco responded, “Breakfast.” Canseco went on to
say that Landis was off to a good start, he knew some people who could really help the cycler take his game to the next level. Although it immediately sounded as though Canseco was referring to upping the dosage on Landis’ drug regimen, it turned out that he was referring to their mutual interest in being campy, D-List celebrity attention whores.
SONOMA- Floyd Landis, the disgraced 2006 winner of the Tour de France, admitted Wednesday that his career has been a sham, smothered in lies, and tinged with a demi-glace of fraudulence. Landis was stripped of the Tour championship months after his victorious cruise down the Champs-Élysées due to a test that revealed elevated levels of testosterone in his blood. After years of denials, lengthy courtroom battles, a vehement memoir, and countless puerile tantrums, Landis finally changed his tune and acknowledged that he used performance enhancing drugs throughout his ascent to the top of the cycling world.
Specifically, Landis, who looks like a grown up version of Dennis the Menace, admitted that he used Human Growth Hormone, Testosterone, the blood-doping agent EPO, and female hormones to mask the other drugs in drug tests. When asked how he would describe this cocktail of performance enhancers, former baseball MVP and noted juicehead Jose Canseco responded, “Breakfast.” Canseco went on to
say that Landis was off to a good start, he knew some people who could really help the cycler take his game to the next level. Although it immediately sounded as though Canseco was referring to upping the dosage on Landis’ drug regimen, it turned out that he was referring to their mutual interest in being campy, D-List celebrity attention whores. [RIGHT- Landis the Menace sips on a glass of testosterone-rich llama piss.]
Landis initially gained notoriety when he raced several stages of the Tour de France with a broken collarbone sustained in a crash, and closed in on the lead by scaling the tallest mountain on the course with no teammates around him off of whom he could draft. In retrospect, this scene probably should have been the equivalent of a positive steroid test, but the World Anti-Doping Agency remains steadfast with its policy that only a positive test, an obviously larger skull, or a refusal to take a test for unclear religious reasons even though the refusal would jeopardize a $40 million payday in a prizefight with Floyd Mayweather would be definitive proof of PED use.
In addition to his own admission, Landis pointed a hairy, acne-covered finger at some of his teammates and competitors in United States cycling. Specifically, Landis indicated that cycling legend Lance Armstrong, as well as George Hincapie and Levi Leipheimer used blood doping and testosterone boosting techniques to beat the competition. Landis went on to explain that Hincapie and Leipheimer are real people, not cartoonish detectives from an 80s buddy cop movie who get called in to replace the protagonists when they anger the chief by stepping over the line one too many times, as they’re goony names would indicate.
The least startling of Landis’ allegations was the accusation that Lance Armstrong is also a steroid user. Armstrong, for those of you who have been deluding yourself with Nike’s ad campaign, was a mediocre cyclist who was diagnosed with testicular cancer, was weakened near death through treatment, and returned to dominate a sport in which everyone uses steroids. Yet Landis argued the unthinkable- that Armstrong also used steroids in his quest to pedal even faster. Landis gave examples of times that he and Armstrong discussed different masking agents to cover up the presenc
e of elevated testosterone levels in drug tests, and said that he and other cyclists stored bags full of oxygen-enriched blood in a refrigerator in Armstrong’s Spanish apartment. The latter accusation is easily explained by the fact that Armstrong survives by drinking the oxygen-enriched blood of others, but the former is a new revelation to add to the ledger of questionable activity. First, he tested positive for a steroidal agent after the 1999 Tour, but produced a note from his personal physician which allowed him to compete while on the steroid legally. Since that time, there have been numerous reports of PED paraphernalia and accusations by trainers and confidants, none of which has dampened Armstrong’s popularity, at least in the eyes of Matthew McConaughey.
Landis initially gained notoriety when he raced several stages of the Tour de France with a broken collarbone sustained in a crash, and closed in on the lead by scaling the tallest mountain on the course with no teammates around him off of whom he could draft. In retrospect, this scene probably should have been the equivalent of a positive steroid test, but the World Anti-Doping Agency remains steadfast with its policy that only a positive test, an obviously larger skull, or a refusal to take a test for unclear religious reasons even though the refusal would jeopardize a $40 million payday in a prizefight with Floyd Mayweather would be definitive proof of PED use.
In addition to his own admission, Landis pointed a hairy, acne-covered finger at some of his teammates and competitors in United States cycling. Specifically, Landis indicated that cycling legend Lance Armstrong, as well as George Hincapie and Levi Leipheimer used blood doping and testosterone boosting techniques to beat the competition. Landis went on to explain that Hincapie and Leipheimer are real people, not cartoonish detectives from an 80s buddy cop movie who get called in to replace the protagonists when they anger the chief by stepping over the line one too many times, as they’re goony names would indicate.
The least startling of Landis’ allegations was the accusation that Lance Armstrong is also a steroid user. Armstrong, for those of you who have been deluding yourself with Nike’s ad campaign, was a mediocre cyclist who was diagnosed with testicular cancer, was weakened near death through treatment, and returned to dominate a sport in which everyone uses steroids. Yet Landis argued the unthinkable- that Armstrong also used steroids in his quest to pedal even faster. Landis gave examples of times that he and Armstrong discussed different masking agents to cover up the presenc
e of elevated testosterone levels in drug tests, and said that he and other cyclists stored bags full of oxygen-enriched blood in a refrigerator in Armstrong’s Spanish apartment. The latter accusation is easily explained by the fact that Armstrong survives by drinking the oxygen-enriched blood of others, but the former is a new revelation to add to the ledger of questionable activity. First, he tested positive for a steroidal agent after the 1999 Tour, but produced a note from his personal physician which allowed him to compete while on the steroid legally. Since that time, there have been numerous reports of PED paraphernalia and accusations by trainers and confidants, none of which has dampened Armstrong’s popularity, at least in the eyes of Matthew McConaughey. [LEFT- Armstrong shows off that it's not just a clever name after removing the yellow jersey.]
In response, Armstrong denied the allegations and insisted that Landis should not be trusted. "It's his word versus ours ... we like our word, we like our credibility," Armstrong told reporters before starting Thursday’s leg of the Tour of California. Many observers found it interesting that Armstrong would invoke the mantle of credibility after effusively praising his wife and crediting her for his return from testicular cancer then leaving her for Sheryl Crowe when he became famous, then subsequently breaking up with Crowe when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Nonetheless, Armstrong remains an American hero; a self-absorbed, lying, cheating American hero with a Messiah complex- sort of like Barry Bonds, but white.
Although he was unavailable for comment, God weighed in on the situation during Thursday’s stage of the aforementioned Tour of California race when Armstrong inexplicably crashed his bike, leaving him unable to complete the race.
In response, Armstrong denied the allegations and insisted that Landis should not be trusted. "It's his word versus ours ... we like our word, we like our credibility," Armstrong told reporters before starting Thursday’s leg of the Tour of California. Many observers found it interesting that Armstrong would invoke the mantle of credibility after effusively praising his wife and crediting her for his return from testicular cancer then leaving her for Sheryl Crowe when he became famous, then subsequently breaking up with Crowe when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Nonetheless, Armstrong remains an American hero; a self-absorbed, lying, cheating American hero with a Messiah complex- sort of like Barry Bonds, but white.
Although he was unavailable for comment, God weighed in on the situation during Thursday’s stage of the aforementioned Tour of California race when Armstrong inexplicably crashed his bike, leaving him unable to complete the race.
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