Federal government contracts operations to Apple following bullish earnings statement

By Taylor Klingler


PORTLAND- The United States Federal Government has delegated many of its most important functions to Apple, manufacturer of the ubiquitous iPhone and iPod, following a quarterly earnings statement that shows Apple in total control of the American commercial sector. Government representatives said the move was due in part to flagging support for the government’s ability to get things done and Apple’s reputation for making difficult tasks more efficient.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced the move to iGovernment at a press briefing Monday morning. “After another weekend of both parties campaigning to win the votes of disenchanted voters, we all agreed that it was time to shake things up again,” Gibbs told the assembled press corps. “We sat down in the Oval Office with senior Republican officials, and the only things we could agree that we all liked were early episodes of Seinfeld, Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits, and Apple Products. Since Jerry Seinfeld won’t return our calls and none of us could think of a way to work Cheddar Bay Biscuits into the governmental structure, we decided to give Apple a call. Their officials said that they have done all that they can in the retail world and were excited to have the opportunity to officially run the country.”

Economists are quick to point out that the move may have come as much out of necessity as it did out of convenience. Not only was the federal government running a massive and record budget deficit, but Apple’s revenue last quarter made up 80% of all American retail and 99.3% of the electronic sector. The company’s projected yearly earnings for fiscal year 2010 would leave them with slightly more money at year’s end that the U.S. Treasury, even if every mint in the country switched all of its production lines to $10,000 bills from now until the end of the year. The move has paid early dividends, as Apple’s first official move in the iGovernment initiative was to divert 8% of November’s advertising budget to pay off the national debt.

[LEFT- All hail the great and powerful Jobs! Apple has transitioned from smashing Big Brother in its famous 1980s commercial to embodying the Orwellian state entirely.]

One of the major selling points of iGovernment is that Apple will bring its noted prowess for user friendly interfaces to the civic participation realm. For instance, the White House will still be available in its original white, but Apple will launch of line of snap-on covers in a variety of colors and patterns to allow citizens to customize their White House as a reflection of their personalities. Additionally, iCongress will allow users to skip through boring parliamentary procedure to get straight to the vote on important issues. It also features an app that will filter any political advertisement on television or radio into witty, clever entertainment. Perhaps most importantly, iGovernment’s iLitigate software automatically translates complex legalese into plain English and interprets complicated fact patterns as either legal or illegal. Apple claims that the iLitigate could eliminate the need for lawyers by the year 2015.

In addition to iGovernment’s national tools, there will also be local features, including the revolutionary iVote. The program allows Apple users to vote for public office using their iPhones, iPads, or iPod Touch. For a price of $0.99 per vote, users will be allowed to vote on their Apple computers or PCs using the most recent version of iTunes, but it will only work if the user also downloads Quicktime and sets it as the default video player. Some civil rights activists have pointed out that iVote will make it difficult for people without computers or internet access to participate in the democratic process. Apple countered that these people are probably poor, and if they aren’t using the internet, we probably don’t want them voting anyway, which is a good point.

Reactions to the launch of iGovernment have been overwhelmingly positive. While rumors had swirled for months that Apple was going to announce a big innovation at next month’s DNV Software Conference in Rio De Janeiro, with speculation ranging from a new licensing deal for Apple TV to a higher resolution camera on the iPhone. While the political climate forced the curtain to come down a little earlier, everyone was excited about the news. Glenn Beck led off his Fox News program by saying, “Apple has taken over the government and I see nothing wrong with this policy.” Moment’s later, MSNBC’s Keith Olberman simply added, “I agree with Glenn Beck completely.” Even though early Gallup Polls show that iGovernment has a 98% approval rating, there is still a vocal minority who insists that iGovernment is a Muslim software program that was developed in Indonesia and therefore cannot function as the United States Federal Government under Article 2 of the Constitution.

The massive popularity of iGovernment comes despite the fact that the program has rolled out only a semi-functional version of the government that requires users to agree to a new EULA every time taxes are deducted from a paycheck and is not compatible with outdated, older citizens. Apple plans to fix these problems by offering a free software upgrade that allows the nation to operate on basic level. If the United States wants to compete with other countries, it will have to upgrade to iGovernment 2.0 when it launches in February. More features, such as freedom of speech and iMassTransit that are not available on iGovernment 1.0 will be standard on the new device.

Beta versions for some of the larger institutions remain buggy, though. For example, iMilitary, the new Department of Defense, has not repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and programmers have not been able to eliminate the tendency for the program to torture enemy combatants.

Apple CEO and resident guru Steve Jobs took the new direction of his company in stride. He said that the difference will not be as profound as many have opined since he has consulted the federal government on Homeland Security issues for years, and that he has effectively run the Department of the Interior ever since 1997.

When the U.S. Federal Government threw in the towel and allowed the private takeover of government operations, it ended a long streak of public governance. In fact, not since the Roman Catholic Church started governing Vatican City has a private, for-profit business assumed control of a sovereign state.

So far, the only identifiable problem with Apple’s iGovernment is that it has to run on the AT&T wireless network and AT&T fucking blows.