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Your career has really taken off in the last couple of years. It seemed like you were always the comedian that the hipster comedy guy told everyone else they should be into, but who nobody really knew much about. Sure, you had a couple of Comedy Central specials and you would do spots on the radio every now and then, but I think we can agree that you had not reached the heights that you thought you could reach if you got the right breaks. Now that everything has gone right for you, there’s only one way for your career and your legacy to go: down. That’s why I think it is high time for you to kill yourself.
I understand that it sounds harsh to suggest that you should commit suicide at the absolute zenith of your career. But you know what they say- you have to strike when the iron is hot. What good is it going to do to die when you reach the bloated, uncreative point in your career? No, now is the time to develop a drug problem, start being seen in public with hookers, and choke to death on your own vomit in a New York hotel room before your next movie reaches DVD.
There are only a few ways for a comedian’s career to develop, and it’s just not going to get any better for you. The first career path is the McDonald’s comedian- the type of comedian who isn’t actually funny, but is so omnipresent and inoffensive that he falls ass backwards into a successful career. Think of a guy like Jeff Foxworthy. He doesn’t have a talented or creative bone in his body, but he got his own network sitcom, tours the country to sold out theaters, and has so much money that he probably shits on a gold-plated toilet. Dane Cook is another example of a McDonald’s comedian. He tells simple jokes that would be funny to a toddler and require no thought by the listener. He has a specific audience of teenagers and college-aged dimwits. None of his own material is remotely funny, but he’s absurdly rich. The trick is to being a McDonald’s comedian is that you have to be so simple and gimmicky that you can be described in a few words. It goes beyond comedians; there are McDonald’s TV shows, music, and movies, too. Think about it, McDonald’s- “fast food hamburgers.” Jeff Foxworthy- “redneck.” Two and a Half Men- “Womanizer, nerd, and kid.” Katy Perry- “Whore.” Avatar- “bright colors and aliens.” Dane Cook- “retarded.” You, Zach, are already too talented and funny to be a McDonald’s comedian, so don’t worry about falling into that category.
No, Zach, you have two options. One is to continue on the path you are already on until you make a few shitty movies and your fans think that you sold out. It won’t even be your fault when you sell out and make shitty movies, so even though you think you’ll be able to avoid it, you will not. Remember how funny Eddie Murphy was when he was on SNL in the ‘80s? He was cutting edge and making classic movies like 48 HRS and Beverly Hills Cop. The highlight of the last decade for Eddie was playing the voice of a donkey in a cartoon fairytale- the best thing. The lowlights include copious fart jokes spanning several hacky remakes of Jerry Lewis crap. And it’s not just Eddie. Robin Williams, Mike Myers, Steve Martin, Adam Sandler, and Denis Leary have all gone from breaking ground to broken down. They don’t choose to stop being funny. Part of the problem is that they have kids and they spend their days entertaining their kids instead of entertaining their friends. Kids think slime, farts, and weird faces are funny, so they start making movies based on slime, farts, and weird faces. They also have so much money in the bank that their bad ideas still get made, and there is no problem when they do. When you’re 20 and have no money, telling bad jokes means you don’t get to eat. When you’re 40 and rich, telling bad jokes means that you’re still fucking rich.
Is that the road you want to go down, Zach? I can already see how it will play out. You made The Hangover and it was wildly funny. It will always be remembered as wildly funny. Remember, people still love Beverly Hills Cop, The Jerk, and Wayne’s World regardless of how far the stars have fallen. Your new movie, Due Date, will probably also do well, but it will be a little bit redundant and derivative and your hardcore fans will start to turn on you. When Hangover 2 comes out and you’re getting points on the back end, people will start to point out that you haven’t come up with anything new in a few years, and you will start to get pissed off at them and blame them for being overcritical rather than actually developing new material. By that time, you will probably be married to a secretary from your agent’s firm with fake tits and she will be crapping out your first couple of kids. From there, you will have starring roles in a c
ouple of flops before doing the voice of the Mexican monkey in Shrek 9: Shrek Gets Blown By Dora the Explorer.[RIGHT- Even though these guys were no angels, we love them more in death than we did in life.]
Okay, maybe you will change the details, but the broad strokes are all there. They’re already starting to come true. There have been reports that you spearheaded the movement to get Mel Gibson taken out of the cast for Hangover 2. You get rich off a movie about a drug fueled sex romp through Vegas and you’re worried about the moral fiber of the sequel’s cast? Get over yourself. Power plays by comedians are not funny, they’re obnoxious. I’m not even telling you this because I give a damn about Mel Gibson. I just know that it’s a small step from flexing your muscle with the casting department to launching your version of Happy Madison Productions, giving all of your childhood buddies writing jobs, and vomiting the next Deuce Bigelow into theaters nationwide.
On the other hand, killing yourself presents several intriguing possibilities. The list of beloved, revolutionary comedians is strikingly similar to the list of comedians who died before their time. As funny as John Belushi and Chris Farley were, we are pretty charitable as a society to give them so much credit for Animal House and Tommy Boy without holding 1941 and Beverly Hills Ninja against them. It applies to just about every dead comedian. People love Sam Kinison now. People hated Sam Kinison in the ‘80s. Mitch Hedberg probably reached his peak as a comedian when he OD’d. Have you heard anyone who has a bad word to say about him since? Have you ever even heard someone say that they just didn’t get his comedy? The comedy Gestapo would round that guy up and tattoo an unfunny armband on him immediately.
Early death not only preserves your legacy, it enhances it. Take the recently deceased Greg Giraldo, for example. Giraldo was a good comic, one of those guys who never made it huge, but was well-liked enough to earn the “comedian’s comedian” backhanded compliment. He had his moments, but he was basically a B+/A- comic who was likable. Now that he’s dead, his fans are coming out of the woodwork. Where were these fans when the guy was a regular on Last Comic Standing or even Last Call with Colin Quinn? If everyone loved Greg Giraldo so much, then why wasn’t there demand for a Greg Giraldo sitcom, or at least one of those trendy Chappele’s Show sketch comedy rip-offs that Comedy Central has been giving to every living comic since Dave lost his damn mind? Think about it, Betty White is working more now than Greg Giraldo did in his best year, and it’s all because some gay guys pitched a fit on Facebook. You might already be too famous to get a big bump in popularity from death, but it’s at least worth a try.
I know that some people have trouble actually pulling the trigger. Luckily, there is more than one way for a comedian to go. In fact, most of them don’t kill themselves by traditional means like an intentional overdose, slitting the wrists, or strangle-baiting; it’s more common to fall into a death spiral of booze, coke, and hookers. Clearly, the spiral is the weapon of choice for the pudgy physical comic. Worked for Belushi, worked for Farley, and it can work for you too. If you’re really good, you might not even have to die. Richard Pryor stopped being funny when he got Parkinson’s and nobody seems to hold it against him, so maybe you could give that a shot. Dave Chappelle just went nuts, but there were weird racial overtones in that one, so that could severely backfire for you. All I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to shoot yourself in the face- there are lots of ways to kill yourself that the public will love.
Remember, Zach, I’m trying to look out for your best interests. You have had a great run and you deserve to be proud. That’s exactly why it’s time for you to start thinking about your legacy. You can either ruin all of the good work you have done to this point by becoming a shitty, middle-aged comedian who panders to kids, or you can take my advice and sell high on yourself.
With Love,
Your Fans
Okay, maybe you will change the details, but the broad strokes are all there. They’re already starting to come true. There have been reports that you spearheaded the movement to get Mel Gibson taken out of the cast for Hangover 2. You get rich off a movie about a drug fueled sex romp through Vegas and you’re worried about the moral fiber of the sequel’s cast? Get over yourself. Power plays by comedians are not funny, they’re obnoxious. I’m not even telling you this because I give a damn about Mel Gibson. I just know that it’s a small step from flexing your muscle with the casting department to launching your version of Happy Madison Productions, giving all of your childhood buddies writing jobs, and vomiting the next Deuce Bigelow into theaters nationwide.
On the other hand, killing yourself presents several intriguing possibilities. The list of beloved, revolutionary comedians is strikingly similar to the list of comedians who died before their time. As funny as John Belushi and Chris Farley were, we are pretty charitable as a society to give them so much credit for Animal House and Tommy Boy without holding 1941 and Beverly Hills Ninja against them. It applies to just about every dead comedian. People love Sam Kinison now. People hated Sam Kinison in the ‘80s. Mitch Hedberg probably reached his peak as a comedian when he OD’d. Have you heard anyone who has a bad word to say about him since? Have you ever even heard someone say that they just didn’t get his comedy? The comedy Gestapo would round that guy up and tattoo an unfunny armband on him immediately.
Early death not only preserves your legacy, it enhances it. Take the recently deceased Greg Giraldo, for example. Giraldo was a good comic, one of those guys who never made it huge, but was well-liked enough to earn the “comedian’s comedian” backhanded compliment. He had his moments, but he was basically a B+/A- comic who was likable. Now that he’s dead, his fans are coming out of the woodwork. Where were these fans when the guy was a regular on Last Comic Standing or even Last Call with Colin Quinn? If everyone loved Greg Giraldo so much, then why wasn’t there demand for a Greg Giraldo sitcom, or at least one of those trendy Chappele’s Show sketch comedy rip-offs that Comedy Central has been giving to every living comic since Dave lost his damn mind? Think about it, Betty White is working more now than Greg Giraldo did in his best year, and it’s all because some gay guys pitched a fit on Facebook. You might already be too famous to get a big bump in popularity from death, but it’s at least worth a try.
I know that some people have trouble actually pulling the trigger. Luckily, there is more than one way for a comedian to go. In fact, most of them don’t kill themselves by traditional means like an intentional overdose, slitting the wrists, or strangle-baiting; it’s more common to fall into a death spiral of booze, coke, and hookers. Clearly, the spiral is the weapon of choice for the pudgy physical comic. Worked for Belushi, worked for Farley, and it can work for you too. If you’re really good, you might not even have to die. Richard Pryor stopped being funny when he got Parkinson’s and nobody seems to hold it against him, so maybe you could give that a shot. Dave Chappelle just went nuts, but there were weird racial overtones in that one, so that could severely backfire for you. All I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to shoot yourself in the face- there are lots of ways to kill yourself that the public will love.
Remember, Zach, I’m trying to look out for your best interests. You have had a great run and you deserve to be proud. That’s exactly why it’s time for you to start thinking about your legacy. You can either ruin all of the good work you have done to this point by becoming a shitty, middle-aged comedian who panders to kids, or you can take my advice and sell high on yourself.
With Love,
Your Fans
Not funny.
ReplyDeletePeople that write open letters are fucking losers. He doesn't give a shit about your stupid opinions on his career.
ReplyDeleteHe's able to make some money now, who cares.
David Cross did it, and he's still great. When you're in a position to make some money,then open your dumb mouth.
It's also insanely narcissistic of you to even write this. Like I said, he doesn't care. You're writing this as if he's going to read it.
Grow up, son.
God,open letters piss me off.