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SYDNEY- It looks as if WikiLeaks has gone the way of Wikipedia. The online news organization that has come to prominence over the last two years by exposing worldwide government secrets has allegedly run out of leaked government documents and has started to make up its own news.
The organization's founder, eccentric Australian Julian Assange, cited the mounting pressure to maintain the high level of salaciousness as WikiLeaks’s motivation for generating its own state secrets. “I heard recently that I was leading the polling for the 2010 Time Person of the Year going into November, so I didn’t want to disappoint all of the people who loved reading about the seedy underbelly of various world powers,” Assange told reporters at a press conference Monday. “The simple truth is that there are only so many secrets out there. Personally, I thought there were a lot more conspiracies to uncover, but it turns out that governments aren’t smart enough to engineer very many conspiracies.”
[BELOW- Maybe the reason nobody likes Julian Assange is that he looks like Beck, Powder, and Liam Neeson look like they had a mangled, threesome, ass fetus.]
WikiLeaks first got the world’s attention in 2009 when it revealed a chain of emails between climate researchers that cast doubt on the data used by many advocates to reform energy policy. The site heightened its profile in 2010 by releasing Iraq and Afghanistan War Logs from troops on the ground, and more recently by releasing proof that the U.S. State Department used espionage at the United Nations to learn about diplomats working for other countries. WikiLeaks decided it needed to sensationalize its stories to close out 2010 strong because the revelation that an African dictator has his own harem or that Bolivia’s economy is being propped up by the drug industry are not shocking or sexy enough to get anyone’s interest.
Many skeptics have questioned WikiLeaks from the beginning, saying that there is no way that so many world governments would take so little care to guard their state secrets. In reality, WikiLeaks is not staffed by exceptionally talented journalists; they simply discovered that the U.S. Federal Government hides all of its classified documents in fake Spray ‘n Wash canisters that they bought in bulk from SkyMall. Furthermore, every government in the EU used the word “password” as its server password until being notified of the security risks last month.
Now that the steady stream of leaks has dried up, WikiLeaks has been forced to turn to brainstorming new leaks to release to the public to remain relevant. Sources familiar with the Leak Generators’ thinking indicate that their sessions revolve around fitting stereotypes together so that people will intuitively believe that they are true. Rumored leaks for the coming months include the Chinese space program crashing a space shuttle by veering into another space-lane and causing a huge space traffic jam, as well as the forthcoming scandal that Israel has been dragging its feet in removing settlements from Palestinian neighborhoods because none of the contractors will give them a good enough deal.
Assange has also complained recently that he fears for his life. Espionage experts have offered Assange the following reassurances: No shit, Sherlock. If there is one thing that pisses off every government, from the most despotic fascist regime to the far left hippie communes, it is when smarmy bastards like Assange start trying to undermine their authority without having to answer for anything. As a result, Assange has started wondering if he should start leaking messages that will help him personally. He has reportedly contemplated leaking the rumor that Brock Lesnar has a 13” penis in hopes that the former UFC Heavyweight Champion would become his friend and personal bodyguard. He has also considered the possibility of leaking the report that all overbearing fathers worldwide hate when their hot 18-year old daughters start having sex with Julian Assange to get back at them.
One of the government officials who has spoken out against Assange and WikiLeaks most vociferously is Peter King, the chairman of the Homeland Security Committee in the House of Representatives. King has called WikiLeaks a “foreign terrorist organization.” Peter King, though, should not be trusted, as his pre-season NFL power rankings in his weekly Sports Illustrated column tabbed the Cincinnati Bengals to win the AFC North with an 11-5 record, and we all saw how that turned out.
Another prominent politician who reacted negatively to being implicated by WikiLeaks is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Getting a rise out of Hillary Clinton is no small task, as the nation witnessed her display the xanax-coated OJ Simpson icy trial gaze for three straight years in the 90s while her husband gave sworn testimony about smoking a cigar flavored by a fat chick’s taint.
If he gets in much more trouble, Assange has said he may start releasing documents pertaining to fictional characters. Early rumors are that WikiLeaks has stumbled on documents indicating that Bond villain Ernest Blofeld doesn’t really have a superfluous third nipple and that Hannah Montana’s secret identity is as mild-mannered teenager Miley Cyrus.
Many skeptics have questioned WikiLeaks from the beginning, saying that there is no way that so many world governments would take so little care to guard their state secrets. In reality, WikiLeaks is not staffed by exceptionally talented journalists; they simply discovered that the U.S. Federal Government hides all of its classified documents in fake Spray ‘n Wash canisters that they bought in bulk from SkyMall. Furthermore, every government in the EU used the word “password” as its server password until being notified of the security risks last month.
Now that the steady stream of leaks has dried up, WikiLeaks has been forced to turn to brainstorming new leaks to release to the public to remain relevant. Sources familiar with the Leak Generators’ thinking indicate that their sessions revolve around fitting stereotypes together so that people will intuitively believe that they are true. Rumored leaks for the coming months include the Chinese space program crashing a space shuttle by veering into another space-lane and causing a huge space traffic jam, as well as the forthcoming scandal that Israel has been dragging its feet in removing settlements from Palestinian neighborhoods because none of the contractors will give them a good enough deal.
Assange has also complained recently that he fears for his life. Espionage experts have offered Assange the following reassurances: No shit, Sherlock. If there is one thing that pisses off every government, from the most despotic fascist regime to the far left hippie communes, it is when smarmy bastards like Assange start trying to undermine their authority without having to answer for anything. As a result, Assange has started wondering if he should start leaking messages that will help him personally. He has reportedly contemplated leaking the rumor that Brock Lesnar has a 13” penis in hopes that the former UFC Heavyweight Champion would become his friend and personal bodyguard. He has also considered the possibility of leaking the report that all overbearing fathers worldwide hate when their hot 18-year old daughters start having sex with Julian Assange to get back at them.
One of the government officials who has spoken out against Assange and WikiLeaks most vociferously is Peter King, the chairman of the Homeland Security Committee in the House of Representatives. King has called WikiLeaks a “foreign terrorist organization.” Peter King, though, should not be trusted, as his pre-season NFL power rankings in his weekly Sports Illustrated column tabbed the Cincinnati Bengals to win the AFC North with an 11-5 record, and we all saw how that turned out.
Another prominent politician who reacted negatively to being implicated by WikiLeaks is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Getting a rise out of Hillary Clinton is no small task, as the nation witnessed her display the xanax-coated OJ Simpson icy trial gaze for three straight years in the 90s while her husband gave sworn testimony about smoking a cigar flavored by a fat chick’s taint.
If he gets in much more trouble, Assange has said he may start releasing documents pertaining to fictional characters. Early rumors are that WikiLeaks has stumbled on documents indicating that Bond villain Ernest Blofeld doesn’t really have a superfluous third nipple and that Hannah Montana’s secret identity is as mild-mannered teenager Miley Cyrus.
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