Precocious Eight Year-Old Crushed to Learn That Politics Are Fake

WILMINGTON- Local eight year-old Danny Louder was devastated this week when his father revealed to him that the political shows he watches on television are all scripted and that national politics on the whole are a contrived form of entertainment. Danny’s father, Stephen Louder, became concerned about his son’s emotional state when Danny became extremely sad following the Senate’s vote against expanded background checks for potential gun owners. Rather than seeing his son suffer, Stephen decided to inform him that his interest is not as “real” as it purports to be in order to help him put the events into context, but the revelation only made Danny more upset.

Above- Danny became sullen and withdrawn when he
learned that politics are not real. 

Danny’s interest in politics started when he was six and he saw his father watching debates about health care on CNN. He was instantly drawn in by the passion with which the politicians delivered their speeches, as well as the tradition and pageantry that made everything involved in politics seem so important. He quickly gravitated toward MSNBC, watching Rachel Maddow nearly every night and rooting for his favorite politicians: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Wilmington’s Congressional Representative John Carney, and Delaware native Joe Biden. He rode an emotional roller coaster through the debt ceiling debates, a possible government shutdown, and the eventual sequester, but he was never disappointed because his preferred Democrats could always claim some degree of victory in the end.

Politics, of course, are a billion-dollar entertainment industry designed to help fund the government and create an emotional investment in the idea of a nation and its government. The storylines are loosely based on real-world events, but the dramatic machinations are created by “speechwriters,” many of whom are Hollywood producers and screenwriters taking on other jobs. The industry is funded by various news outlets who pay for the right to broadcast the lucrative programming, as well as corporate sponsors who underwrite the events in exchange for the exposure that comes with it.

“Danny got very passionate about gun control after the Sandy Hook tragedy, probably because he could identify with the kids who were shot,” Stephen told reporters after revealing the truth about politics to his son. “I thought that it would be comforting for him to know that the politicians on TV were not actually betraying him or the families at Sandy Hook, that they were just playing a part, but it only made him more upset to find out that his idols were faking it. I remember when my dad told me that politics were fake after the Dan Quayle-Lloyd Bentsen debate. I had an inkling that their debate was scripted because nobody could come up with lines like that off the cuff. Now when I watch it, it seems so obviously fake and scripted, but I guess that can be pretty jarring to learn when you don’t expect it.”

Danny is not the first person to be surprised to learn that politics are not as genuine as they purport to be. Historically, the secret about politics’ scripted outcomes was guarded much more closely by those involved. Politicians would stay in character all the time and would never acknowledge that the results were predetermined. As recently as the 1980s, investigative reporter John Stassel did a behind-the-scenes report on politics, accusing Senator Tip O’Neill of being a phony. O’Neill responded angrily by subpoenaing Stassel before a Senate Sub-Committee on Ethics, questioning him for hours on end, and giving him numerous psychological injuries.

There are also those who understand that the results are predetermined, but refuse to believe that politics are truly fake. Famed pundit James Carville is one such true believer. He famously  grew emotional during a question and answer session with retired politicians at the Tennessee State Democratic Convention in 2006, saying, “I just want to thank each and every one of you all for all you have done to your reputations… It’s still real to me, damnit! Thank you guys. You’re awesome. Thank you so much for saying what had to be said.” While Carville was lampooned by many in the media, there are a number of politics fans who share his opinions about their chosen form of entertainment.

As for Danny, it remains to be seen whether he will keep up his interest in politics once he comes to grips with the fact that the results are scripted. Typically, fans drift in one of two directions when they come to that realization. Some fans gradually lose interest and are only brought back in moments of sentimentality or nostalgia. Others become even more interested, focusing on the meta-narrative of how and why political developments are scripted the way they are by the writers. These political junkies tend to spend a great deal of time on internet message boards complaining about how their favorite politicians never get enough attention and the leading candidates are all boring. 

America: ‘Not interested in debt ceiling debate’

AMERICA- The United States chimed in yesterday with its opinion on the ongoing debt ceiling debate by telling Congress that it does not care and would prefer if they came up with something else to talk about. America acknowledged that there is probably some complicated reason for why the debt ceiling matters, but that it is not nearly interested enough to find out what that reason might be. The Nation added that it enjoyed the Casey Anthony trial and it would like, “something along those lines, but preferably involving celebrities” to take the debt ceiling’s place on the front page.

House Speaker John Boehner has expressed a similar lack of interest in the debt ceiling talks. “I have to admit that I have not followed the developments all that closely,” Boehner told reporters last week. “I understand that it’s supposed to be bad for the economy of we don’t raise the debt ceiling, but if we spend more… we’re supposed to get more money… and we’re actually not saving money… Whatever. Hey, did you see that the Indians are only a game out of first?” the Ohio Republican opined at his weekly press conference.

President Obama has also expressed his doubts about the debt ceiling discussions. At a press conference last week, a haggard Obama appeared sitting on the front steps of the White House, smoking a cigarette and without a tie. He said that, “the other day, I was waiting for an elevator. When it got to my floor, I gestured for the older lady standing next to me to go first, but she just smiled and gestured for me to go first. I knew that I would feel bad walking in front of her, so I smiled and told her that I insist. She gestured again, and I started to get frustrated because I saw that there was no good outcome. I couldn’t help but think that we have reached the same point in our government: two parties probably meaning to do good, but with so little understanding of one another that we’re just going to stand there and stare at one another until we are all angry and hopeless. I used to think that government could help people. Now I see that we’re not even able to walk onto a goddamned elevator.” The President then pulled a pint of Jameson out of his back pocket and took another swig.

[RIGHT: Boehner bored to tears by debt ceiling talks and most other things.]

The debt ceiling malaise comes amidst a season of failed headline-grabbing stories. Market researchers have argued that the summer has been a perfect storm of non-news that has bored the nation into submission. The NFL and NBA lockouts, for instance, have eliminated one popular opiate of the masses and replaced it with complicated legal jargon about accounting practices and revenue splits instead of muscular dudes smashing each other IN THE FACE. Sex scandals in Europe have not gained traction because they remind America that European women have disgusting hairy armpits. Summer movie blockbusters, usually good for mindless fun, have become so stale and derivative that lukewarm reviews for the crappy Captain America re-make made America briefly consider seeing it before remembering all the money it has wasted on dismal non-Batman superhero movies recently. Even baseball has been a letdown, as it appears that they have finally stopped letting players do fun stuff, like steroids. The intense summer heat has also rendered most Americans, who are morbidly obese, completely unable to move without getting two appendages stuck together.

In a normal year, the summer heat wave that has turned much of the country into a griddle would grab headlines, but analysts point out that there are only so many ways to say “it’s hot” without acknowledging that global warming seems to have happened. Since most newspapers and television stations are owned by companies that also have significant stakes in manufacturing, such an admission is not likely to come soon. As a result, graphic designers are hard at work finding creative images to express the heat, such as cartoon eggs frying on sidewalks and exploding thermometers.

Another reason that the debt ceiling discussions have received such an unfavorable public response is that they have brought back public pariah Harry Reid. The Democratic Senate Majority Leader, widely regarded as one of the most useless public figures in modern society, just had to open his sniveling mouth to give a debt ceiling proposal. The worst part is that Reid seemed to understand that everyone wanted him to stay as far away from the public eye as possible, but as the debate dragged on, he was forced to weigh in with his opinion, to the irate disappointment of millions. “I understand that a man has to work for a living, whether he works on cars, designs software, or presides over the upper chamber of our bi-cameral legislative system,” America said in response to Reid’s reemergence, “Still, whenever he gets back on the scene, it’s like going to a Springsteen concert and hearing the Boss announce that they’re going to do some songs off of Tunnel of Love. I instantly start running for the exit.”

The Nation can take solace in the fact that the debt ceiling dilemma will be resolved by August 2nd, when the ceiling will either be raised, or the nation will default on its debt and face almost-certain economic calamity. Either way, the outcome promises to result in more interesting stories. Newspapers across the nation are already preparing post-default features on whether apocalyptic America will look most like Road Warrior, Children of Man or Escape from New York.

America: ‘Not interested in debt ceiling debate’

AMERICA- The United States chimed in yesterday with its opinion on the ongoing debt ceiling debate by telling Congress that it does not care and would prefer if they came up with something else to talk about. America acknowledged that there is probably some complicated reason for why the debt ceiling matters, but that it is not nearly interested enough to find out what that reason might be. The Nation added that it enjoyed the Casey Anthony trial and it would like, “something along those lines, but preferably involving celebrities” to take the debt ceiling’s place on the front page.

House Speaker John Boehner has expressed a similar lack of interest in the debt ceiling talks. “I have to admit that I have not followed the developments all that closely,” Boehner told reporters last week. “I understand that it’s supposed to be bad for the economy of we don’t raise the debt ceiling, but if we spend more… we’re supposed to get more money… and we’re actually not saving money… Whatever. Hey, did you see that the Indians are only a game out of first?” the Ohio Republican opined at his weekly press conference.

President Obama has also expressed his doubts about the debt ceiling discussions. At a press conference last week, a haggard Obama appeared sitting on the front steps of the White House, smoking a cigarette and without a tie. He said that, “the other day, I was waiting for an elevator. When it got to my floor, I gestured for the older lady standing next to me to go first, but she just smiled and gestured for me to go first. I knew that I would feel bad walking in front of her, so I smiled and told her that I insist. She gestured again, and I started to get frustrated because I saw that there was no good outcome. I couldn’t help but think that we have reached the same point in our government: two parties probably meaning to do good, but with so little understanding of one another that we’re just going to stand there and stare at one another until we are all angry and hopeless. I used to think that government could help people. Now I see that we’re not even able to walk onto a goddamned elevator.” The President then pulled a pint of Jameson out of his back pocket and took another swig.

The debt ceiling malaise comes amidst a season of failed headline-grabbing stories. Market researchers have argued that the summer has been a perfect storm of non-news that has bored the nation into submission. The NFL and NBA lockouts, for instance, have eliminated one popular opiate of the masses and replaced it with complicated legal jargon about accounting practices and revenue splits instead of muscular dudes smashing each other IN THE FACE. Sex scandals in Europe have not gained traction because they remind America that European women have disgusting hairy armpits. Summer movie blockbusters, usually good for mindless fun, have become so stale and derivative that lukewarm reviews for the crappy Captain America re-make made America briefly consider seeing it before remembering all the money it has wasted on dismal non-Batman superhero movies recently. Even baseball has been a letdown, as it appears that they have finally stopped letting players do fun stuff, like steroids. The intense summer heat has also rendered most Americans, who are morbidly obese, completely unable to move without getting two appendages stuck together.

In a normal year, the summer heat wave that has turned much of the country into a griddle would grab headlines, but analysts point out that there are only so many ways to say “it’s hot” without acknowledging that global warming seems to have happened. Since most newspapers and television stations are owned by companies that also have significant stakes in manufacturing, such an admission is not likely to come soon. As a result, graphic designers are hard at work finding creative images to express the heat, such as cartoon eggs frying on sidewalks and exploding thermometers.

Another reason that the debt ceiling discussions have received such an unfavorable public response is that they have brought back public pariah Harry Reid. The Democratic Senate Majority Leader, widely regarded as one of the most useless public figures in modern society, just had to open his sniveling mouth to give a debt ceiling proposal. The worst part is that Reid seemed to understand that everyone wanted him to stay as far away from the public eye as possible, but as the debate dragged on, he was forced to weigh in with his opinion, to the irate disappointment of millions. “I understand that a man has to work for a living, whether he works on cars, designs software, or presides over the upper chamber of our bi-cameral legislative system,” America said in response to Reid’s reemergence, “Still, whenever he gets back on the scene, it’s like going to a Springsteen concert and hearing the Boss announce that they’re going to do some songs off of Tunnel of Love. I instantly start running for the exit.”

The Nation can take solace in the fact that the debt ceiling dilemma will be resolved by August 2nd, when the ceiling will either be raised, or the nation will default on its debt and face almost-certain economic calamity. Either way, the outcome promises to result in more interesting stories. Newspapers across the nation are already preparing post-default features on whether apocalyptic America will look most like Road Warrior, Children of Man or Escape from New York.

Congress Passes Sweeping Health Care Reform

By Jack DeLuca, OMG Teh Newz!!!11 White House Correspondent

WASHINGTON- After seemingly interminable debate and months of backroom horse trading, Congressional Democrats and Republicans finally reached a consensus on health care reform yesterday. President Obama is set to sign the bill, which was sent back and forth between various committees a near record number of times, at a rose garden ceremony tomorrow.

Gone from the bill is the ballyhooed public option that would put a government run health insurance plan up against private insurers in the open market. Stringent regulation and oversight of insurance premiums and healthcare costs is also absent from the bill’s final draft, as those provisions proved too contentious for any final consensus. In their place is a regulatory scheme for 'non-profit, private, third party co-insurance cooperatives,' which do not currently exist. In fact, the only large scale change in the bill’s final iteration is a ban on public funding for hospitals and clinics that perform abortions.

“We faced so much uncertainty, so much confusion over the past several months,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D- Cal), “We eventually started to believe that it was more important to pass some kind of legislation, no matter how weak the language, reform, and, enforcement mechanism may be.” Indeed, the final draft of the health care legislation that made it through the bicameral conference committee was only 4 pages long, and two of those pages were intentionally left blank. Several senators were overheard at the final vote discussing the fact that this bill was the first piece of legislation any of them had read cover to cover since Reagan was in office.

“Candidate Obama promised change, but not even he could have anticipated the scale of the paradigmatic shift that President Obama has delivered,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel this week on Face the Nation. In the past, the vast majority of presidents have felt the need to speak out against problems, push for legislation, propose meaningful reform- President Obama has moved beyond all of that.”

Emmanuel went on to explain that the President’s approach to the health care debate is part of a larger policy strategy that has shaped his entire administration. “Sure, policy wonks will praise Obama for not offering any legislation to Congress and letting both houses bicker endlessly over the details before eventually arriving at a compromise that offends no one and runs no risk of failure. When you look back, though, you will notice that President Obama has successfully diffused every issue without making so much as a ripple. When the economy started slumping, instead of offering a comprehensive bailout package to stimulate growth in lagging sectors, he just gave a blank check to some bankers and let them do whatever they wanted. We weathered the storm, let the economy improve on its own, and then claimed that our calm and measured response was the appropriate course of action. The strategy works in foreign policy as well- President Obama’s big change in Afghanistan was to keep doing the exact same thing, but with some artful wording, he was able to parlay that ‘plan’ into a Nobel Peace Prize. The approach of acting through inaction is perfect because we can claim success for everything that goes right, then blame the previous administration when something goes wrong. Look at Iran; they’re still enriching uranium, and we say that it’s because we haven’t engaged them enough. Nobody even knows what that means, so we can take credit if the situation improves and continue shifting the blame if it doesn’t.”

The bill has received the sort of bipartisan support not seen on the Beltway in decades. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D- Nev) did not try to hide his excitement at the press conference held to announce the passage of the bill. “From Roosevelt to Johnson to Clinton, democrats have tried to pass a bill called ‘Health Care Reform.’ But only through my visionary leadership and my cunning idea to include no actual health care reform in the bill of the same name was our great country actually able to achieve the goal. So suck on that, bitches. Now can somebody please give me some money? Everybody finally realized that I’m a fraud, and I’m going to need to pull a Steinbrenner and spend my opponent into submission if I want to get re-elected.”

[Left- The solid form of Santorum poses for his family's 2009 Christmas card.]

On the other side of the aisle, prominent republicans exhibited similar enthusiasm. Former Senator Rick Santorum, who is busy in preparation for a 2012 presidential campaign, said that the bill has made him question his assumptions about the way democrats do business. “When I was in the Senate, we had republican control, and the democrats were always trying to block what we were doing. I thought it was because they were socialists, but I was wrong. It turns out they just didn’t want to do anything. Health care reform that does nothing but ban abortion? That’s a plan that Rick Santorum can get behind,” the candidate told a crowd of confused gay men at an adult bookstore in Boston. The crowd mistakenly gathered in response to a “See Santorum live on stage” flier outside a nightclub and proceeded to sit through one of the most awkward hours since they came out to their grandparents.

“With leadership like that, maybe I will run for president as a democrat instead! My former Pennsylvania colleague Arlen Specter switched last year, and I’m at least as much of an opportunistic douchebag as him!” Santorum added before lighting a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. on fire and goose stepping off of the stage.

With the heath care legislation in the books, the White House has started to prepare for inaction on several new fronts. Next up on the docket is same-sex marriage legislation that is heavy enough in legal doublespeak that it will confuse everyone into no longer talking about the issue.