America: ‘Not interested in debt ceiling debate’

AMERICA- The United States chimed in yesterday with its opinion on the ongoing debt ceiling debate by telling Congress that it does not care and would prefer if they came up with something else to talk about. America acknowledged that there is probably some complicated reason for why the debt ceiling matters, but that it is not nearly interested enough to find out what that reason might be. The Nation added that it enjoyed the Casey Anthony trial and it would like, “something along those lines, but preferably involving celebrities” to take the debt ceiling’s place on the front page.

House Speaker John Boehner has expressed a similar lack of interest in the debt ceiling talks. “I have to admit that I have not followed the developments all that closely,” Boehner told reporters last week. “I understand that it’s supposed to be bad for the economy of we don’t raise the debt ceiling, but if we spend more… we’re supposed to get more money… and we’re actually not saving money… Whatever. Hey, did you see that the Indians are only a game out of first?” the Ohio Republican opined at his weekly press conference.

President Obama has also expressed his doubts about the debt ceiling discussions. At a press conference last week, a haggard Obama appeared sitting on the front steps of the White House, smoking a cigarette and without a tie. He said that, “the other day, I was waiting for an elevator. When it got to my floor, I gestured for the older lady standing next to me to go first, but she just smiled and gestured for me to go first. I knew that I would feel bad walking in front of her, so I smiled and told her that I insist. She gestured again, and I started to get frustrated because I saw that there was no good outcome. I couldn’t help but think that we have reached the same point in our government: two parties probably meaning to do good, but with so little understanding of one another that we’re just going to stand there and stare at one another until we are all angry and hopeless. I used to think that government could help people. Now I see that we’re not even able to walk onto a goddamned elevator.” The President then pulled a pint of Jameson out of his back pocket and took another swig.

The debt ceiling malaise comes amidst a season of failed headline-grabbing stories. Market researchers have argued that the summer has been a perfect storm of non-news that has bored the nation into submission. The NFL and NBA lockouts, for instance, have eliminated one popular opiate of the masses and replaced it with complicated legal jargon about accounting practices and revenue splits instead of muscular dudes smashing each other IN THE FACE. Sex scandals in Europe have not gained traction because they remind America that European women have disgusting hairy armpits. Summer movie blockbusters, usually good for mindless fun, have become so stale and derivative that lukewarm reviews for the crappy Captain America re-make made America briefly consider seeing it before remembering all the money it has wasted on dismal non-Batman superhero movies recently. Even baseball has been a letdown, as it appears that they have finally stopped letting players do fun stuff, like steroids. The intense summer heat has also rendered most Americans, who are morbidly obese, completely unable to move without getting two appendages stuck together.

In a normal year, the summer heat wave that has turned much of the country into a griddle would grab headlines, but analysts point out that there are only so many ways to say “it’s hot” without acknowledging that global warming seems to have happened. Since most newspapers and television stations are owned by companies that also have significant stakes in manufacturing, such an admission is not likely to come soon. As a result, graphic designers are hard at work finding creative images to express the heat, such as cartoon eggs frying on sidewalks and exploding thermometers.

Another reason that the debt ceiling discussions have received such an unfavorable public response is that they have brought back public pariah Harry Reid. The Democratic Senate Majority Leader, widely regarded as one of the most useless public figures in modern society, just had to open his sniveling mouth to give a debt ceiling proposal. The worst part is that Reid seemed to understand that everyone wanted him to stay as far away from the public eye as possible, but as the debate dragged on, he was forced to weigh in with his opinion, to the irate disappointment of millions. “I understand that a man has to work for a living, whether he works on cars, designs software, or presides over the upper chamber of our bi-cameral legislative system,” America said in response to Reid’s reemergence, “Still, whenever he gets back on the scene, it’s like going to a Springsteen concert and hearing the Boss announce that they’re going to do some songs off of Tunnel of Love. I instantly start running for the exit.”

The Nation can take solace in the fact that the debt ceiling dilemma will be resolved by August 2nd, when the ceiling will either be raised, or the nation will default on its debt and face almost-certain economic calamity. Either way, the outcome promises to result in more interesting stories. Newspapers across the nation are already preparing post-default features on whether apocalyptic America will look most like Road Warrior, Children of Man or Escape from New York.