Swagger back at the U, felonies to follow

By Sharon Davis

MIAMI- The Miami Hurricanes football program was known for its brash cockiness during its run as the nation’s top program in the late 1980s and early 2000s. Each run was also accompanied by a rash of behavior that ranged from borderline illegal to downright depraved. Now, head coach Randy Shannon appears to have the U back on the winning track, and the highly immoral hedonism that has long characterized the program is sure to follow in short order.
[LEFT- Hurricane alum Michael Irvin poses for a picture that demonstrates how convenient it is that Miami wears bright orange jerseys.]

“It’s good to have the Canes back in the mix as one of the best football teams in the country,” said running back Graig Cooper, who rushed for 93 yards in last week’s 33-17 curb-stomping of #14 Georgia Tech. “I know the schedule starts out tough, but if we can get some wins under our belt, I think we could get as much media attention as any team in the country, and some of it might actually be for our play on the field.” Experts say that Cooper, a junior, has a good chance at making the All-Conference team if he continues his strong play, and an even better chance at facing charges for a sex crime before the Canes bowl game. Observers differ, however, as to whether Cooper is more likely to be found in possession of GHB or to expose himself to an underage female student at a house party. In either case, Cooper is sure to bring Miami the type of notoriety that has been conspicuously absent since the salad days of Michael Irvin’s crack pipe and Luther Campbell paying players for taking out opponents.



The Miami renaissance has been lead by Sophomore Jacory Harris, a gun-slinging quarterback who is part Vince Young, part Kanye West, and all basket case. Standing 6’4”, weighing 170 pounds, and hailing from south Florida, Harris has all the makings of a crack head, but his potential for odd behavior has proven to exceed that of the everyday drug addict. Donning stunna shades and asymmetrical lines shaved into the sides of his head as he enters practice, Harris exemplifies the 21st century direction of this bunch of Hurricanes miscreants. His publicist has already booked him to call in and interrupt Taylor Swift on a local morning radio show, and advisers have encouraged him to start posting incriminating messages on Twitter to raise his profile.

Some say that the Miami football program lends itself to lunacy due to the constant heat and humidity of the region; others argue that the pressure of playing for one of the most storied programs in the nation takes its toll on players and coaches alike. University President Donna Shalala has a different take on the situation.

“Honestly, the Hurricanes football program has such a strong history of antisocial behavior because we allow anarchy to reign unabated as long as it keeps the University’s name in the national news. Whereas other programs find new coaches, athletic directors, and even university presidents, we’re happy to maintain the status quo as long as we get money from the TV networks and free advertising on ESPN. Look at what happened in our game against Florida International a few years ago- the entire team started a brawl on the field; players were swinging helmets at each other; an announcer even celebrated the melee by saying that it exemplified Miami football. Did heads roll? Of course not. We didn’t even reprimand [head coach] Randy [Shannon]. In fact, Randy is something of a cash cow. As a black man, and one with such a dignified appearance, nobody is going to notice what a shit show he has been running for at least a year or two longer than they did when Larry Coker was the coach, that bug-eyed lunatic. I call it the Tommy Amaker syndrome.”

Shalala, the longtime Miami president is rumored to be angling for a Senate run in 2012. In Florida, it may work.

The trajectory of the Hurricanes season will be heavily impacted by the outcome of their next two games, both against ranked opponents. Next week, the Canes go on the road to face ACC rival Virginia Tech. The following week, preseason #3 Oklahoma comes to Miami in what may be Heisman hopeful QB Sam Bradford’s first game back from a shoulder injury. “Bradford might come in as a Heisman candidate,” said superstar defensive back Randy Phillips, a lock to see his NFL draft stock slip precipitously after failing a drug test at the combine, “but he damn sure ain’t leaving Miami has a Hesiman favorite, whether we intercept him three times, or re-injure that precious shoulder.” Phillips went on to say that his comments shouldn’t necessarily be interpreted as a threat that he would personally try to injure Bradford with a dirty hit after a play, but that he “wouldn’t rule out the possibility entirely.”