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Are you tired of men getting all the benefit from natural enhancement pills? Are you fed up with filling out a dress as well as a retired Jew fills out a presidential ballot? Then today is your lucky day. From the makers of Enzyte, the once a day pill for natural male enhancement, comes CupUp, the best news for poorly endowed women since the advent of short men!
The secret to CupUp is that it works with your body’s anatomy. Our expert scientists have run countless high risk medical tests on Korean refugees who would otherwise be prostitutes or sweat shop workers, and the results have been stunning- after only 3 months on CupUp, even Koreans were able to average a large B cup- Koreans! While our patent lawyers have told us not to divulge the secret formula to CupUp, we can tell you that our proprietary blend of natural herbs and substances includes fish oil, ginkgo biloba, glucosamine, eye of newt, sheep ovaries, sow estrogen concentrate, and cinnamon!
The beauty of CupUp is that it works just like nature, only better! How many times have you awakened in the morning to curse Jesus Christ for giving you the figure of a starving Ethiopian? How often have you considered trying to get pregnant, just because it would make you chestier? When was the last time you refused to take your shirt off because you didn’t want your date to realize that you were wearing a pushup bra and your natural shape is in no way fit for bearing children? If you’re like most embarrassingly concave women, then I already know that the answers to those questions are “daily, hourly, and nightly,” but with CupUp, you need not persecute yourself any longer.
Some women think that silicone implants are the answer, but I assure you that CupUp is a vastly preferable solution. With implants, the doctor slices you open like you’re having a Caesarian section, but nothing comes out that will love you. Instead, you bleed uncontrollably while he puts two bags full of computer chips inside you that will remind your lover more of a bean bag toss than fertility. The only thing implants are good for is identifying your body after you have been brutally murdered, had your teeth and fingers removed, and had the pieces of your hacked up body shoved into a suitcase. Is that what you really want, or would you rather give CupUp a try?
[RIGHT- Vivica A. Fox is a cautionary tale for implants gone wrong.]
I know what you’re thinking right now: do I really need bigger, rounder, sexier, more successful cans? The answer is yes, yes, yes; a million times yes. You can try to tell yourself that you’ve been stuck in the same dead-end job for the last six years because of poor work ethic or limited intelligence, but you and I both know that nobody in upper management wants to sneak into the copy room to sexually assault someone with the profile of an adolescent boy. And even if your man tells you that he likes your A cups because he can borrow your sports bra when he goes for a run, how do you know he’s not really messing around with that bosomy Lebanese hussy from the lunch truck? With CupUp, you can turn the tables and put him in a perpetual state of anxiety that his life partner is jug-fucking someone with a 401(k).
Don’t take my word for it, listen to what CupUp’s supremely satisfied clientele have to say for this revolutionary product:
Chrissy, age 28: “Before CupUp, I was a workaholic who was relegated to screwing the Honduran fruit truck operator from my block. It was a chicken-egg situation- I couldn’t figure out if I had become completely asexual because I worked so hard, or I turned to work as a way to cope with the fact that no desirable man would want me. Two months after I tried CupUp, I could wear a tube-top without people mistaking me for a gay Italian with no fashion sense, and I have native English speakers groping me at night clubs! I even called in sick to work one day so I could have a morning-after fuck with a one night stand. Thanks CupUp! I could never have done it without you!”
Olga, age 23: “As child, I was entered into gymnastic program that forced me to train for 16 hours each day. The training stunted development and caused me to never go through puberty. Although I was very muscular, my measurements were 25-24-23. My lifelong dream was to be American housewife, but mail order bride company would not have me. CupUp corrected gymnastics problem and I now bleed from vagina like real woman. Three men already put bid in for my services.”
Caster, age 19: “I set a world record in the 100 yard dash at the World Track and Field Championships, but those jealous whores in my heat accused me of being a man because I had no breasts. I was forced to undergo a battery of gender tests, and the initial results indicated that I had internal male genitalia. In other words, I was born with a small enough penis that my parents decided that it would be easier to dig a hole than to build a pole. Given that I’m from rural South Africa, it probably means that I’ve been walking around with a 5” clit for the last two decades. Judgin
g by my musculature, that estimate seems eminently reasonable. Nonetheless, I tried CupUp as a last ditch effort, and after a creepy Dutch physician felt me up, my gender test came back female and I got to keep my world record! I owe my career and my multimillion dollar endorsement deals with Old Spice, Budweiser, and Wrangler to CupUp.”[LEFT- You, too, could enjoy fortune, beauty, and success beyond your wildest dreams!]
CupUp is not for everyone. If you have a C cup, consult your physician before staring a CupUp regimen. If you have a D cup or larger, call me on my personal line at 405-237-6592. Unless you’re a fat. Then you don’t really have large boobs, you’re just fat. Lose 30 pounds and see what happens to those things- seriously. Side effects may include fever, nausea, headache, buoyancy, motor boating, multiple birth pregnancy, uncontrollable weeping, frequent car accidents, irrational decision making, and an inexplicable desire to watch 18 Kids and Counting. In rare cases, CupUp may cause uncontrollable mammary growth that eventually develops its own gravitational field, creates a black hole, and tears apart the space time continuum. Seek emergency medical treatment if this happens to you.
CupUp- the natural way to overcome nature.
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