Justin Bieber indicted on charges of drug trafficking, murder

By Nia Momopopolous

BUFFALO- Fourteen year old pop sensation Justin Bieber was indicted by a Federal Grand Jury yesterday on fourteen charges of heinous crimes, ranging from witness tampering and torture, to drug trafficking and murder. The Canadian-born teeny bopper’s lawyer said that the government had presented mountains of persuasive evidence, but that he will be interested to see how many of the witnesses dare to testify against his client at trial.

Bieber, who has thus far kept up a squeaky clean public image, has allegedly led a double life: sugary-sweet pop star by day, and sadistic, demented criminal by night. Since his indictment, a flood of stories have washed up describing Bieber’s animalistic tendencies. His reign of terror supposedly began in 2005 when he beheaded his two month old sister with a straightedge razor, and grew to be more heinous over time. Before long, Bieber had laid waste to most of his home province of Ontario, where he created a killing field of every important drug dealer, crime boss, and thug in order to assert his undeniable dominance in the area.



Fritz McKenzie of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police claims that his agency has been aware of Bieber’s malfeasance for years, but has been unable to do anything to curb his law breaking. “We learned aboot Justin in 2006 when he made his power grab in Eastern Ontario. We believe that he murdered at least 17 people that year with his bare hands, which is especially impressive considering that he was 11 years old at the time. The boy is a highly volatile killing machine. Late that year, we sent three of our top Mounties to politely ask him to slow the pace at which he was kidnapping women and young girls into depraved sex slavery, and before they could even voice the request, he had killed all three of them with a single bullet in the driveway, and he left them to bleed out the phrase ‘STAY THE FUCK AWAY’ in perfect script on the pavement. Needless to say, the Mounties did not get their man, and we never went after him a-gain.”

By the following year, Bieber’s activity had carried into Northern New York, and he even had gained a foothold as a heroin trafficker in New York City. Bronx drug dealer and gangster DeAndre Caldwell, recently sentenced to 20 years at Sing Sing, gave a sobering account of Bieber’s sociopathic tendencies. “When El Muerto Blanco- that’s what he made everyone call him- came to New York, he wanted to make an example out of the biggest, toughest guy he could find, so he targeted me,” Caldwell recounted. “After I told him that I ain’t nobody’s bitch, he sodomized me with his head. He shoved his entire head up my ass. And it wasn’t like he did it one time. He installed a computer chip up there so he could record music from inside my rectum. We had a weekly appointment at 8:30 on Wednesdays, and I kept coming back and letting this kid stick his head up my ass as a show of dominance, just because I was afraid of what he would do if I didn’t show up. Think about how fucked up that is- I let him rape me with his face because I was afraid of what he would do if I didn’t let him. I always said that I only fear God and fear my mother. But I learned the hard way to fear Justin Bieber.”

[RIGHT- Bieber flashing a peace sign, a virtue which he has ritualistically eviscerated.]

Perhaps the most disturbing story about Bieber’s descent into the criminal underworld came after he became aware that the FBI was investigating him. Bieber abducted the husband of the secretary of New York’s FBI office, then gouged out his eyes, cut his tongue in half down the middle, cauterized the wounds, the pulled the two strands of his bifurcated tongue out through his empty eye sockets and tied them in a knot. Since he stopped the bleeding, the victim survived, and Bieber kept him alive on an IV drip for 13 days while he stumbled around like a slightly more functional Helen Keller.

There have also been rumors that Bieber’s dominance has stretched around the globe. Certain documents obtained from the CIA indicate that Bieber has purchased enough highly enriched uranium from the Iranian government to make at least three nuclear bombs. While it is unclear as to whether Bieber has the technology to attach these bombs to missiles, the possibility of a suitcase nuke remains terrifying, and his close friendship with Kim Jong-Il raises the question of how long it could be until he would be able to blow up half of the eastern seaboard just to see it burn. When asked about his association with Bieber, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad curled up in the fetal position and began sobbing uncontrollably. Between gasps, he could be heard to say, “Anything but Bieber! Don’t make me revisit that nightmare! I will renounce my faith! Anything, just don’t mention that name!”

At a preliminary hearing, the federal court set bail for Bieber at $250,000, and he was released on bond. He has since rejoined Taylor Swift as the opening act for her Fearless tour in the United Kingdom.

United Nations to hold Global Summit on United Nations Global Summits

By Frederico Vanzetti

THE HAGUE- United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon announced this week that the United Nations will hosts the first ever United Nations Global Summit on United Nations Global Summits in the coming months. The nations of the world will discuss upcoming summits at the Summit and will try to restore order to the increasingly unwieldy Summit industry.

Leaders from the world’s powers will descend on an undetermined world capital to, “remove the anarchy from the global summit process,” according to Moon. The Summit, which will take place from December 12-14 this year, seeks to bring the world together and reach a consensus on the controversial subject of bringing the world together and reaching a consensus.

One of the most important issues of the Summit will be the topic of dealing with protestors at future global summits. From riots against the WTO in Seattle to violent protests at the London G20 convention earlier this year, protestors have plagued global summits for years. While tear gas works well to subdue crowds in certain situations, it backfires in windy conditions, often causing immense pain to the peaceable law enforcement officers who deployed it. Similarly, rubber bullets have succeeded with flying colors at times, but become slippery and unreliable in wet climates. One of the first issues on the agenda at the Global Summit on Global Summits will be a presentation by former United States Vice-President Dick Cheney on the most effective methods to tell those insolent, ungrateful protestors to fuck off. Summit organizers hope to prevent any ugly scenes in the future where the world’s elite have to see human conflict and suffering firsthand.

[RIGHT- The Honorable King of Zamunda arriving at the recent Global Summit on AIDS and the Church.}

The Summit will also address the dicey subject of catering future global summits. While snacks may not seem like the most pressing need for a global summit, there have been many food problems in the past. Finland was in charge of bringing snacks to the UN Global Summit on Women’s Rights, and they showed up with orange slices and celery sticks. Everyone appreciated the gesture toward healthfulness, but was offended at the implication that they were fat, and wanted something a little more substantial. Another food faux pas came at the UN Conference on Racism, where Uganda took its turn to provide food, but clearly didn’t have enough money to buy decent snacks, and showed up with a six-pack of Shasta grape soda and two packs of Ramen. Everybody was embarrassed for Uganda, but they appreciated the effort. As a result, there may be a food-sharing agreement where two countries can work together to split cost and preparation to make sure that everyone is included. Finally, the Summit will lay out some ground rules about acceptable snacks, since Canada brazenly brought brats and pulled pork to 2008’s Global Climate Change Summit as a practical joke on Israel and the Islamic Arab nations, then pretended it didn’t know that those countries don’t eat pork before gorging on delicious pig meat. Until food rules are set out, the conference will serve a fresh crudité with hummus and those delicious bacon-wrapped water chestnuts.

The leaders at the Summit have also placed a high priority determining a formula for the location of future global summits. There has been strong support from a faction that favors tropical climates to make the summits more relaxing and fun for the leaders, but other nations favor the more functional approach of placing summits in cities that have expertise or lead the industry for which the summit is held. Belgium has been vocal in its opposition to holding any more summits in Bangkok, not because they hooked up with a transvestite lady-boy hooker, but because they could totally see how someone could do that by accident. But they seriously didn’t. You know what, never mind- they’re sorry they even brought it up because you guys are so immature to think that Belgium had sex with a Thai transvestite, lady-boy hooker. Seriously, grow up. In any case, unless the Summit is held somewhere in Western Europe, somebody is going to have to give Iceland a ride, because Iceland is totally broke.

While many other hot button issues remain on the table for the world leaders, topics such as racism and human rights will not be directly addressed at the Global Summit on Global Summits. Instead, this Summit will talk about talking about human rights and racism. The organizers of the summit deemed that this arrangement would be acceptable since that’s what happens at all of the other summits anyway.

The planned Summit has not been without controversy, as Libya and Iran have already threatened to boycott. While the reasons behind their potential boycotts are unclear, sources have indicated that their opposition arises out of the fact that they are dicks. Neither country has given a reason for the boycott so far, but they both insist that they will figure something out soon enough to have a flag burning ceremony to commemorate their protests.

Near the end of the convention, there will be an open forum for individual countries to voice their concerns about upcoming global summits. Reliable sources indicate that Russia may propose a randomized seating arrangement so as not to sit by Rwanda, because Rwanda smells like Kool Menthols and too much aftershave. There is also a rumor that the Netherlands will ask for a volume knob on the translator headsets so they don’t look like assholes when they stop listening every time Mongolia comes to the podium.

If the Summit is successful, the UN may set up a permanent Council on Global Summits, which will function much like a high-end party planner. Early speculation about candidates for the prestigious Undersecretary of Global Summits has included A-List names like Khloe Kardashian, Diddy, and the girl on that one episode of Super Sweet 16 who hired an army of belly dancers.

Pope Benedict XVI is due to address the Summit during the opening ceremony, for the first time at a Global Summit, since he views the subject matter of the Summit as vital to the interests of the Vatican.

A hilarious misunderstanding in Iran

By Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki

TEHRAN- The world media has had a field day over the last couple of weeks reporting on alleged “widespread violence” and so-called “rioting in the streets” of Tehran in response to questionable election results that consolidated the power of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. But as Iran's Foreign Minister, I can assure you that it has all just been a hilarious misunderstanding- a happy coincidence, if you will. So please, media, just move along. There's nothing more to see here.

You see, the Iranian Presidential Election took place last week, and everyone seems to think that it had something to do with all of the people you see in the streets on television. It's a fair mistake- I may have made the same judgment myself if I was not here to witness it. In reality, this week also marked a big week in World Cup qualifying for Iranian soccer, and you Americans know how crazy the rest of the world gets about soccer. Also, Iranian school just let out last week, so we have soccer hooligans and our version of college spring breakers all converging on the street at the same time. It has nothing to do with Mr. Ahmadinejad's reelection, I assure you. I promise that nobody is dead. You want statistics? Why not just take my word? It's much stronger than statistics.

[RIGHT- A couple of soccer hooligans doing some crazy soccer celebration. Those guys have such a wild good time.]

Twitter posts are used as proof that there is a bloody government crackdown, but you can't trust anything under 140 characters to express the subtlety and nuance of political dialogue. It's too easy to take the posts out of context. Let me give you an example. A recent Tweet coming from the streets of Tehran read: “They're killing us- it's brutal! The police are using rubber bullets!” Now, I found that Twitter user and gently encouraged her to complete that statement. In total, it should have read: “[The other soccer team is far superior to ours. What a shame. In this game,] they're killing us- it's brutal! The police are using rubber bullets [to encourage the rowdy hooligans to peacefully disperse after a frustrating loss].”

If you ask me, all the hubbub is nothing more than a few Americans trying to feel better about their own electoral irregularities. Think about it- America is supposed to be the beacon of freedom and democracy for the rest of the world. But in the last 10 years, the country has had an election decided by the Supreme Court for the candidate with fewer votes, that same candidate getting reelected by telling everyone that only he could save them from the marching armies of married faeries, then another candidate win after being hand-picked by the media to beat out a ditsy beauty queen's slutty, soap opera family. And if you think back a little further, you will recall the excessive use of police force in the Los Angeles riots in the early 1990s, as well as in the race demonstrations of the 1960s. Clearly, the American media is ashamed of these parts of American history, so they try to make it look like Iran has the market cornered on violent riot dispersal. If anything, you should be proud that Iran is finally emulating America instead of burning its flag. Really, a few Iranians invited a few (thousand) of their friends to a party in the streets, and it got a little louder and wilder than anyone expected. No big deal. It's not like anyone is being lynched. Actually, don't quote me on that.

[LEFT- That's not a missile, that's a, uhh, loudspeaker. Yes, a loudspeaker! To broadcast messages of freedom!]

Sometimes, the government encourages tourists to return to prove that an area is stable. After Hurricane Katrina, the New Orleans government urged people to come back to the city to boost its sagging tourist industry and help inject some revenue into the recovery effort. You may expect me to invite you to come visit Tehran to prove that peace and stability still predominate in the region, but do you really wan to do that? Seriously, who visits Iran? You have no reason to come visit our country to see how peaceful and stable it is first hand. These are not the droids you're looking for.

So next time you turn on CNN, just remember that the supposed “riots” you're seeing are not really riots at all, but a bit of revelry by your Iranian friends to celebrate soccer, summer, and democracy. Those socialist weasels are on the news networks are trying to make our government look bad. The truth is, everything in Iran is quite peaceful and stable, at least by the standards of our Iraqi neighbors. Take it from your old buddy Manouchehr.

Roxana Saberi perilously close to freedom

By Sebastien Marachino, I

[LEFT- A possible photo of Saberi at a pro-life rally in Denver, 2001]

TEHRAN- Beware Citizens! Iran has freed Iranian-American journalist Roxana Saberi, allowing her to reenter the seedy, God-less, and wicked world of Islam-pionage. The Danger to worldwide liberty stands at an All-Time High.

Plugged-in experts tell this journalist that Hurricane Roxana could wreak havoc that would make the Hurricane Katrina disaster in New Orleans look like child's play. Anonymous sources confirm that she has already enlisted famine and war to fuel her spying empire, and officials in the Department of Pestilence say that their plague may not be far behind.

Needless to say, today is high time for fleeing for the hills, going off the grid, and encrypting your personal information. Economists estimate that the financial loss of another Saberi espionage attack could suck four to six trillion USD out of the world economy, a pernicious loss at a time when the world economy is struggling to produce enough potatoes to feed Ireland.

Saberi, whose sentence was commuted but whose conviction was upheld, is the vilest type of spy known to this world- she plays two sides against one another. She has worked for the state-sponsored government mouthpiece NPR as well as the subversively rebellious Fox News Channel within a period of a few short years. Now, she appears to be in bed with Iranian president and noted opponent of freedom Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who petitioned the courts to free the woman he affectionately referred to as “Roxy” in official state documents. In the past, Ahmadinejad has spoken out in favor of racism, mold, and unHappiness, and recently drew the ire of critics for condemning Progress and rainbows. His developing alignment with super-spy Saberi promises to further diminish his waning credibility, at least until oil prices shoot up over the summer.

When asked for comment, U.S. president Barack Obama offered his tired platitudes about the virtues of freedom, predictably trying to assuage the well-warranted fear of everyone who does not want to die a horrifically painful death in the very near future. Obam

a's support for Saberi's freedom furthers some skeptics' claims that he harbors anarcho-syndicalist tendencies and a latent death wish for the American nation-state as we know it.

[RIGHT- Saberi's past espionage allegedly alerted some French guys in funny hats that Muslims are susceptible to trampling by white horses. Photo by contributor and Renaissance artist Antoinne-Jean Gros.]

At press time, it remained unclear what traumatic experience elicited Saberi's conversion to pure sadism. She grew up in the cradle of democracy in America's upper-Midwest region, winning the coveted Miss North Dakota award before deciding to use her powers for evil.

Speculators have proffered explanations ranging from a UFO abduction to a possible cybernetic experiment gone horribly wrong. But one fact remains clear, the world is in grave Danger.