Roxana Saberi perilously close to freedom

By Sebastien Marachino, I

[LEFT- A possible photo of Saberi at a pro-life rally in Denver, 2001]

TEHRAN- Beware Citizens! Iran has freed Iranian-American journalist Roxana Saberi, allowing her to reenter the seedy, God-less, and wicked world of Islam-pionage. The Danger to worldwide liberty stands at an All-Time High.

Plugged-in experts tell this journalist that Hurricane Roxana could wreak havoc that would make the Hurricane Katrina disaster in New Orleans look like child's play. Anonymous sources confirm that she has already enlisted famine and war to fuel her spying empire, and officials in the Department of Pestilence say that their plague may not be far behind.

Needless to say, today is high time for fleeing for the hills, going off the grid, and encrypting your personal information. Economists estimate that the financial loss of another Saberi espionage attack could suck four to six trillion USD out of the world economy, a pernicious loss at a time when the world economy is struggling to produce enough potatoes to feed Ireland.

Saberi, whose sentence was commuted but whose conviction was upheld, is the vilest type of spy known to this world- she plays two sides against one another. She has worked for the state-sponsored government mouthpiece NPR as well as the subversively rebellious Fox News Channel within a period of a few short years. Now, she appears to be in bed with Iranian president and noted opponent of freedom Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who petitioned the courts to free the woman he affectionately referred to as “Roxy” in official state documents. In the past, Ahmadinejad has spoken out in favor of racism, mold, and unHappiness, and recently drew the ire of critics for condemning Progress and rainbows. His developing alignment with super-spy Saberi promises to further diminish his waning credibility, at least until oil prices shoot up over the summer.

When asked for comment, U.S. president Barack Obama offered his tired platitudes about the virtues of freedom, predictably trying to assuage the well-warranted fear of everyone who does not want to die a horrifically painful death in the very near future. Obam

a's support for Saberi's freedom furthers some skeptics' claims that he harbors anarcho-syndicalist tendencies and a latent death wish for the American nation-state as we know it.

[RIGHT- Saberi's past espionage allegedly alerted some French guys in funny hats that Muslims are susceptible to trampling by white horses. Photo by contributor and Renaissance artist Antoinne-Jean Gros.]

At press time, it remained unclear what traumatic experience elicited Saberi's conversion to pure sadism. She grew up in the cradle of democracy in America's upper-Midwest region, winning the coveted Miss North Dakota award before deciding to use her powers for evil.

Speculators have proffered explanations ranging from a UFO abduction to a possible cybernetic experiment gone horribly wrong. But one fact remains clear, the world is in grave Danger.