Let's get some fillies in here!

By Papa Clem, 12-1 Morning Line Odds to win Preakness Stakes

PIMLICO- I've been going to horse races my whole life. I don't care what you say about how fun the Triple Crown is- you gotta listen to me. Seriously, we need to get some fillies in here; I don't want this Preakness to be another sausage fest.

Everybody's so overprotective about letting fillies go to the big races because they're worried the colts will take advantage of them. Yeah, I know that Eight Belles got euthanized at the Derby a couple years back, but she was asking for it with the way she was kicking her legs up. Just cuz she won the race doesn't mean she can be all stuck up. We need to get some fillies who know how to have a good time.

I talked to Justwhistledixie a while ago and she said she was gonna try to show up for the Preakness, but then she backed out because she had a tender foot. Yeah, whatever. Fillies are always coming up with dumb excuses like having a tender foot. Well maybe if they didn't think they needed new shoes every time they went out, they wouldn't end up with hurt feet all the time. Seriously, she might as well just say that she has to wash her mane.

I heard that Rachel Alexandra was supposed to show up and that's awesome. She has such a great pedigree. She's got it all: great teeth, a shiny coat, and some of the best hind-quarters I've ever seen- and I'm a hind-quarter man all the way. I'd love to take her out behind the grand stand and show her how I did 7 furlongs in 1:25.60 at Santa Anita Park.

I've heard people talking about her, saying that they want to stud her with Curlin. They say she's a big, physical horse who needs a powerful colt for breeding. I know Curlin is a two time horse of the year, but he's not any better than me. We were both sired by Smart Strike, and I'm a real stallion at stud. Plus, I am literally hung like a racehorse.

If she tries to resist, I can just slip a mickey in her oatbag. You know how easy it is to drug racehorses? You don't need to be the talented Mr. Ed to figure out how to get by the testing board for these races- they practically want you to drug the horses. Once she's gotone of those in her system, she'll be chomping at the bit to stud with me. Then it'll be time to feed

her my carrot, if you know what I mean.

I know what you're thinking, that fillies are sexually immature horses, age two and younger. Go ahead, call me a stable robber. I've heard it all before. But my slogan is: If there's grass on the infield, then play ball.

Do me a favor. When Rachel Alexandra gets here, don't tell her I was talking about her. I'm going to compliment her silks and see how it goes from there.