Crist announces bid to become first gay Senator

By Jackie VanRuud

Republican Florida Governor Charlie Crist announced his candidacy for the U.S. Senate seat to be vacated in next year's election by Democrat Mel Martinez. If successful, Crist will become the first gay Senator in U.S. history, a fact that remains unacknowledged to himself and his family.

Crist has maintained an exceptional 64% approval rate among Floridians despite representing the Republican party that decisively lost the 2008 Presidential election in that state. The Governor has reached across party lines repeatedly- he offered his support to President Obama's stimulus practice, and he is really, really gay.

[LEFT- Crist Photoshopped into a picture with a woman.]

“We've come super far on gay rights in the last few years, and that's just awesome,” said Carson Kressley, host of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and spokesman for homosexuals everywhere. “America elected a black president, so it's super great that we have a gay boy running for Senate, even if he hasn't come out of the closet yet.”

Senators have expressed mixed emotions about Crist's candidacy. Democrats have relished the filibuster-proof 60 vote majority gained by the defection of former Republican Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, and many have expressed concerns over Crist's lack of experience. On the other hand, Crist would bring a certain panache, a sense of style, and dance skills unparalleled by the current make up of the legislature's upper house.

If elected, Crist will certainly seek the counsel of former Rep. Mark Foley, a gay republican from Florida's 16^th district. “Governor Crist- or as I like to call him, Chuckles- would bring Florida the sort of positive national attention as a Senator that Maine and New Hampshire have been getting, even if he's a little old for my taste,” said Foley, who had to resign after allegations of sexual misconduct toward teenage boys. “I know he is not yet openly gay, but I have directly, personal knowledge that he is.”

[RIGHT- Crist feeling up two dudes.]

Supporters point to Crist's resolve and his never-say-die attitude as qualities that would make him a successful Senator: he failed the Florida bar exam twice, lost a previous Senate bid by 26%, and took 64 days off of work in 2008, all while keeping his sexuality a closely-guarded secret. They argue that his experience at slashing social programs will help him balance the federal budget, and that he will fit right in on the southern Senators' seer-sucker suit day.

Crist was unavailable for comment, as his stylist confirmed he was having his daily Brazilian wax before picking out some new shoes to wear to his first campaign speech.

[BELOW- Republican Senators try to ingratiate themselves with Crist.]