Swine Flu not cool anymore

By Eugene Nesbit

TOPEKA- Mere weeks after terrifying citizens nationwide, the swine flu virus is quickly losing momentum, sliding down the nation's list of most interesting topics. Soon, the virus may fall off of the front page of Google News, and outbreaks may fail to make local news broadcasts.

Despite increased infection and death rates in most communities, the nation's short attention span has forced the virus out of the collective consciousness. “When swine flu first came out, it seemed really exotic and scary, but the more I think about it, there's nothing all that interesting about getting sick from a pig,” said local lowest common denominator Todd Hellman. “I mean, with American Idol coming down to the wire and the NBA playoffs heating up, something had to give. I only have 6-7 hours per day to browse the internet, so reading about new swine flu cases just had to go.”

The World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control have continued to issue warnings, but they have fallen on deaf ears. Officials from both organizations recently announced that the risk of a pandemic is an all-time high. They instructed people to wash their hands frequently and to cov...

The rest of the warning remains unknown, as no one was interested enough to finish listening to it.

[RIGHT- The asshole who got us into this mess.]

Even though infection rates are up by 200% in the United States, statistics show that people jokingly claiming to have swine flu after coughing has declined by over 300%. Similarly, a majority of Americans found it acceptable to refuse to shake hands only 3 weeks ago, but today over 80% describe wearing a hospital mask in public as “Michael Jackson weird.”

Publicists see a possibility for swine flu to make a comeback, but not with its current look. “America loves a good pandemic,” said Nikole Varon of StylesP Image Consultants. “Look back to the hype surrounding SARS and bird flu in recent years. It's a good way to get in the news. On the other hand, you have to stay fresh to keep people's attention. If I was running swine flu, I'd tell people I was making a big return: I'd rechristen myself with a new name, like Mega Swine Flu or Swine Flu Strain 2.0. Then, I'd make up some new symptoms, like auditory hallucinations and start blaming unrelated deaths on the virus. Remember, there's no such thing as bad press.”

Experts point out that other social phenomena have had a similarly short shelf life, but made a comeback. The Taliban in Afghanistan, for instance, were considered so threat-worthy in 2001 that the United States launched a full scale war and committed billions to reconstruction before aborting the mission in mid-stream. Recently, President Obama has generated interest in revisiting the fad from earlier in the decade. So even as much needed funding for vaccines gets diverted to humanitarian aid for Pakistan, swine flu supporters hold out hope that their cause will be more retro-chic than “rebuilding New Orleans passe.”

Count rapper Tony Yayo as one of swine flu's remaining believers. The New York emcee has named his new mixtape after the global pandemic, functionally a bet that the nation will continue to care about swine flu. When surveyed, approximately 28% of Americans believed that swine flu will dominated the headlines again before the end of the calender year, indicating a broad base of support. Interestingly, the same percentage believes that the second coming of Christ will occur in the next year.

Those suffering from swine flu want the disease to stay in the public eye long enough for the government to disseminate a vaccine. “Please, please, help my family,” begged Rosanne Marshall. “We are dying. We need your support. Wait, there's a new season of Desperate Housewives starting?”