Susan Boyle in her 14th minute

By Marcos Niedermeyer

LONDON- Susan Boyle, the breakout star of Britain's Got Talent, has nearly run her course as a party in the spotlight. The shy woman from Scotland will need to enter a new phase of celebrity if she wants to remain in the public eye, and many observers have opined that she does not have the mental toughness to make it as a celebrity.

Boyle has already shown remarkable staying power as far as campy flashes-in-the pan go. Her celebrity has outlasted Sully the pilot and the Obama dog. Whether she will parlay her short-lived success into a career of pop culture kitsch depends largely on her ability to develop a catchy one-liner, like the similarly talentless Mr. T's “pity the fool.” Other factors include her inclusion in a farcical parody movie like Scary Movie, her (unlikely) ability to land a celebrity boyfriend and embark on a turbulent romance, and the public interest in her inevitable stint in rehab.

She has shown signs of enlivening her heretofore bland stint of popularity. In recent weeks, she has been seen at night clubs doing body shots off of teenage boys. Her situation has deteriorated to the degree that infamous nut-job Linday Lohan reached out to SuBo out of concern that the sudden crush of tabloid fame has crushed her fragile psyche.

Friends have expressed worry that the oxygen deficiency during her birth that caused a childhood learning disability leaves her vulnerable to further mental health problems. Psychologists have warned that a Boyle meltdown could range anywhere from a Carrie-esque blood-letting to levels of destruction usually reserved for the Incredible Hulk. She offered a brief flash of such rage in a recent beat-down of a photographer, an attack so brutal it made Russell Crowe comment that it was, “seriously fucked up.”

As with many celebrities, once Boyle became overexposed, the other shoe dropped on her personality. Her striking resemblance to Gimli, the dwarf from Lord of the Rings, has led many to speculate that she may not, in fact, be human. Others have said that she is actually an attractive young woman in a plastic Richard Nixon Halloween mask. In any case, her YouTube popularity comes as a shock due to the fact that the visual medium requires viewers to see her hideous visage- a genuinely uncomfortable experience to say the least.

[LEFT- Boyle's ancestor.]

Boyle's ability to maintain a high level of fame is called into question by her lack of marketable skills. She is ugly, cannot act, and speaks in a weird Scottish brogue. Reports indicate that her agent recently contacted US Weekly about publishing a photo spread of Boyle, but the call ended with the sound of vomiting on the other end of the line before uproarious laughter and an eventual dead line.

Boyle also lacks the skills that have made musicians famous in recent years- good lucks, the willingness to do anything and everything a record label demands, and old-fashioned nepotism. In a survey of Ashlee Simpson, Miley Cirus, the Duff sisters, and Brooke Hogan, the starlets unanimously agreed that Boyle's prospects of succeeding in pop music are slim and none- and slim may have just left town.

Supporters have pointed out that Boyle has shown little interest in fame, and have blamed the media for her deteriorating mental state. They argue that she has been maliciously overexposed and torn down by gossip columnists seeking to further their own careers at her expense. Obviously, you don't believe this argument, or else you would not be reading about her right now, you self-centered, voyeuristic fuck.