ESPN Announces New 24-Hour Sports Gossip Network

By Wallace Parker

BRISTOL- Executives of the sports network ESPN announced plans this week to launch a new channel dedicated entirely to tabloid journalism and speculative gossip related to the world of sports. The network, a joint venture between ESPN and popular tabloid magazine US Weekly, will be known as eUSpn and will use a silhouette of Brett Favre’s penis for its logo.

“Today is an exciting day for people who sort of like sports, but who really enjoy the pageantry and rumor-mongering that have come to be a staple of sports in the modern era,” George Bodenheimer, president of ESPN told reporters at a news conference. “We came to realize that our core audience would be best served by reporting on gossip that is tangentially related to sports around the clock, because those fans are actually more interested in hearing about Cam Newton’s improper benefits, Albert Haynesworth running laps on the sidelines, Lebron's posse, and David Beckham’s newest pube style than watching actual sports.”

The decision represents a departure for the network, which was originally launched to show sports 24-7. In the early years, ESPN showed live sporting events almost around the clock, breaking occasionally to show highlights from other events. Now, ESPN intermittently breaks from sports-tinged rants by useless talking heads to show heavily-produced clips of sports. The advent of eUSpn will reconcile that tension by focusing all of the gossip on one channel while allowing the flagship network to go back to its original modus operandi: televising World’s Strongest Man and darts marathons.

Early rumors indicate that the network will launch early next year with a special countdown of the most riveting postgame non-handshakes of the last 50 years. With offenders ranging from the Bad Boy Pistons to Jim Schwartz and John Harbaugh, the show is full of enough catfight material to make the bitchiest real housewife shake in her stilettos and reach for the hormone

therapy pills.

[LEFT: Roger Clemens was known as The Rocket on ESPN. On eUSpn, he will be known as The Defendant.]

The network has already started development of several other programs. Postgame Live will be hosted by Bravo’s Andy Cohen and will feature wives and girlfriends of athletes reacting to games that have just been completed and promoting philanthropic ventures that may or may not exist. E! veteran Melissa Rivers has also been brought on to co-star in a red carpet show in which she and Jay Mariotti will criticize whatever athletes wore to recent black tie events. Finally, The Leadership Hour will feature inane blowhard Merrill Hodge yelling about players’ intangibles every night from 7-8 PM EST.

Unconfirmed rumors indicate that the network may also merge some of US Weekly’s content into the on-air realm. One feature that may be in development is an “Athletes: They’re just like us” segment in which sports stars are shown holding kids or taking out garbage. The feature has proven itself invaluable to the magazine because it makes the stars relatable, which makes readers more likely to buy their weight loss supplements and/or bogus energy bracelets. The channel will also show daily clips of athletes on vacation, highlighting those who have killer bods, or perhaps those sporting baby bumps. In all segments, athletes will be referred to by mindless nicknames and uncorroborated rumors will be expressed as highly-suggestive statements with question marks, such as “D-Wade: a new daddy?” One subject that remains unresolved is whether the network will air any footage of actual athletic events. While some say those clips should remain in the territory of ESPN, others think that there are too many great endzone dances, sideline arguments, and dugout Gatorade cooler attacks at stake.

Mr. Bodenheimer went on to say that the change in direction has been a long time coming. He referred to the gravitational shift in American society away from substance and toward relentless gossip-mongering. “We saw the direction of television news as a harbinger for the rest of the entertainment industry. When they stopped talking about policy and replaced all of their anchors with the equivalent of Page 6 columnists, we saw the writing on the wall. That made it clear to us that the future was in Eurotrash tabloid celebrity gossip. That, and the growth of soccer in America.”

ESPN says that the diversification will have the added benefit of growing the brand in a new direction. For instance, the network anticipates that its anchors will become pop culture personalities rather than anonymous talking heads, much like Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Perez Hilton, and Harvey Levin are integral parts of the stories on which they report rather than neutral observers. In its early days, ESPN was praised for cultivating talented on-air personalities, such as Dan Patrick, Charlie Steiner, and Keith Olberman, but has found it difficult to keep up that standard since they stopped hiring talented people. By transitioning the content to inane yammering, they believe they can replicate the success that similarly talentless hosts like Beck have captured on eUSpn.

When asked for comment, out of work NFL star Terrell Owens said, “Thank you Jesus! Where do I sign up?”

Susan Boyle in her 14th minute

By Marcos Niedermeyer

LONDON- Susan Boyle, the breakout star of Britain's Got Talent, has nearly run her course as a party in the spotlight. The shy woman from Scotland will need to enter a new phase of celebrity if she wants to remain in the public eye, and many observers have opined that she does not have the mental toughness to make it as a celebrity.

Boyle has already shown remarkable staying power as far as campy flashes-in-the pan go. Her celebrity has outlasted Sully the pilot and the Obama dog. Whether she will parlay her short-lived success into a career of pop culture kitsch depends largely on her ability to develop a catchy one-liner, like the similarly talentless Mr. T's “pity the fool.” Other factors include her inclusion in a farcical parody movie like Scary Movie, her (unlikely) ability to land a celebrity boyfriend and embark on a turbulent romance, and the public interest in her inevitable stint in rehab.

She has shown signs of enlivening her heretofore bland stint of popularity. In recent weeks, she has been seen at night clubs doing body shots off of teenage boys. Her situation has deteriorated to the degree that infamous nut-job Linday Lohan reached out to SuBo out of concern that the sudden crush of tabloid fame has crushed her fragile psyche.

Friends have expressed worry that the oxygen deficiency during her birth that caused a childhood learning disability leaves her vulnerable to further mental health problems. Psychologists have warned that a Boyle meltdown could range anywhere from a Carrie-esque blood-letting to levels of destruction usually reserved for the Incredible Hulk. She offered a brief flash of such rage in a recent beat-down of a photographer, an attack so brutal it made Russell Crowe comment that it was, “seriously fucked up.”

As with many celebrities, once Boyle became overexposed, the other shoe dropped on her personality. Her striking resemblance to Gimli, the dwarf from Lord of the Rings, has led many to speculate that she may not, in fact, be human. Others have said that she is actually an attractive young woman in a plastic Richard Nixon Halloween mask. In any case, her YouTube popularity comes as a shock due to the fact that the visual medium requires viewers to see her hideous visage- a genuinely uncomfortable experience to say the least.

[LEFT- Boyle's ancestor.]

Boyle's ability to maintain a high level of fame is called into question by her lack of marketable skills. She is ugly, cannot act, and speaks in a weird Scottish brogue. Reports indicate that her agent recently contacted US Weekly about publishing a photo spread of Boyle, but the call ended with the sound of vomiting on the other end of the line before uproarious laughter and an eventual dead line.

Boyle also lacks the skills that have made musicians famous in recent years- good lucks, the willingness to do anything and everything a record label demands, and old-fashioned nepotism. In a survey of Ashlee Simpson, Miley Cirus, the Duff sisters, and Brooke Hogan, the starlets unanimously agreed that Boyle's prospects of succeeding in pop music are slim and none- and slim may have just left town.

Supporters have pointed out that Boyle has shown little interest in fame, and have blamed the media for her deteriorating mental state. They argue that she has been maliciously overexposed and torn down by gossip columnists seeking to further their own careers at her expense. Obviously, you don't believe this argument, or else you would not be reading about her right now, you self-centered, voyeuristic fuck.