Conservatives take aim at Sotomayor

By Bosephus Tureaud

NEW YORK- As soon as appellate court judge Sonia Sotomayor received President Barack Obama's nomination to the Supreme Court, she started hearing objections from conservatives who think her jurisprudential style is unbecoming of the nation's highest bench. In particular, Sotomayor has shown a tendency to favor progressive action and policies- a tendency that has drawn her opponent's ire.

Conservatives say that Sotomayor's comments at a Duke University law conference, caught on tape, defy the spirit of judicial deference and indicate a slight tendency toward judicial activism. They point to part of the tape where Sotomayor can be heard screaming, “I am above the law! No one will stop me from achieving my final solution! You must all bow before La Sonia!”

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter further questioned Sotomayor's qualifications, arguing that, "Saying that someone would decide a case differently... because she's a Latina, not a white male, that statement by definition is racist." Coulter proceeded to spin her head in circles three times, speak in tongues, and vomit pea soup on James Carville through a satellite feed.

[RIGHT- Coulter discussing Sotomayor's qualifications.]

Although Sotomayor is unlikely to confront specific political issues during her nomination process, she has faced criticism for several of her stated stances from her appellate-era stances. Her controversial positions include her desire to force everyone in the country to get gay married and adopt black children; to give mandatory abortions without parental notification to every woman under age 21, regardless of whether she is pregnant; and to take away everyone's guns and give them to illegal immigrants, who will form a dangerous militia that will demand white people's jobs. She has also made legal forays into the sporting world. For instance, she banned Dale Earnhardt from wearing the protective HANS device at the Daytona 500, causing his death in the 2001 race.

Furthermore, Sotomayor is accused of cronyism and preferential treatment for appointing fellow South Bronx native KRS-ONE as law clerk and consulting Nas's amicus briefs. She has also been quoted as saying “I used to have a little, but now I've got a lot. I'm still Sonya from the block,” which has called into question her objectivity in making legal decisions.

[LEFT- Sotomayor, wearing his now-infamous dress to the 2000 Grammy Awards.]

After the nomination, Sotomayor was seen plotting the vast left-wing conspiracy at a vegan coffee shop with Bill Ayers and Osama Bin Laden. She was drinking a half-caf, double soy mochaccino with three squirts of Irish crème while re-filling Bin Laden insulin pump. The conspiracy recently succeeded in securing Al Franken's election to the U.S. Senate by enlisting activist judges, and has vowed not to stop until Susan Sarandon is appointed as Attorney General to President Martin Sheen.

Chief Justice John Roberts, when asked what he thought of Sotomayor's legal qualifications, said, "Ew, girls!"

Sotomayor's backers have been nearly as vocal in their support of the nominee. Liberal pundit Barackstarr_DEM4life commented that, “THE GOP ARE NUTZ. THEY CAUSED 9/11 AND ALL THE GRIEF THEIR AFTER. CHENEY'S A DESPOT LIKE AARON BURR WAS. LIMBAUGH'S A DRUG ADDICK. THE GOP IS A TRAIN RECK, WHERE WAS CHENEY IN VIET-NAM? LMAO.” He went on to say that Sotomayor would provide a diverse voice from a unique set of life experiences for an institution dominated by white males. w00t