Matt Holliday's value as a human being sliding, too

By Jeoffrey Pang

OAKLAND- It's no secret that recently-acquired outfielder Matt Holliday's value as a player has suffered since coming to Oakland from Colorado in an off-season trade. What's more surprising is that Holliday's value as a person has taken a similar precipitous drop, according to friends and family.

Holliday, a normally gregarious .300 hitter, has seen a marked decline in his batting average as well as his interpersonal skills, drawing very few walks, short-changing cab drivers, hitting for almost no power, and staying out to all hours of the night. Holliday's antics have given A's general manager Billy Beane pause. “When we acquired Matt, we thought we did our due diligence on the statistical end. We looked at his play-by-play fielding data to track range, and even dug into his home-road splits to see if he would be able to hit in a more pitcher-friendly environment,” Beane said. “But what we didn't forecast was that Matt would turn out to be such a cocksucker. His moodiness has made me think that I have to take another look at evaluating team chemistry.”

According to well-placed sources, Holliday has been curt, sullen, and rude with teammates and members of the press. But his family receives even worse treatment, as he has paid little to no attention to his wife and two young children since arriving in the Bay Area.

“When Matt found out he was traded, we decided that the boys and I would stay in Denver for the year,” Matt's wife Leslee said, trying to hold back tears. “We thought it would be easier than uprooting the family, and he promised he would come home on off days to visit. But he has only been home twice all season, and last time he was so hungover that he slept through the whole trip.”

[RIGHT- Holliday, before developing a pervasive indifference toward his offspring]

The cause of Holliday's turn to brash egotism is not yet known, but another former Colorado Rockie, Dante Bichette, thinks he has the answer. “A lot of guys struggle to adapt to leaving Colorado. Vinny [Castilla] got divorced. Andres [Galarraga] got cancer. When I went to Cincinnati in 2000, I developed a habit- actually, I'd call it an addiction- for strip clubs. It got to the point where I was missing batting practice to squeeze in one more lap dance from Mercedez to Pour Some Sugar on Me. It's hard to say who had it the worst, but Matt clearly has it bad.”

Bichette says that the strain of leaving the hitting-friendly environment in Denver's high elevation is hard for players to handle. “You go from feeling all powerful to being mortal, you know. In fact, that probably explains why A-Rod [Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez] is such a bitch to everybody now; he's adjusting to not having steroids anymore.”

The prospect of free agency at season's end weighs on Holliday, as well, presenting the possibility that he could sign an over-market contract with the Yankees. The two sides of indicated mutual interest in the past for a union which could only make Holliday more insufferable. The pairing of his surliness with New York's overexposure could turn Holliday into this generation's Ty Cobb.

[LEFT- Rodriguez and a hideous Canadian stripper returning from a tryst.]

Leslee hopes she does not have to witness that ignominious fate. “If he goes to New York, it's over. As bad as this year has been, if he starts dating hideous Canadian strippers and snorting lines of HGH off his naked teammates' nipples, he can say goodbye to the rest of his life.”

At press time, Holliday was hitting .226 with 4 home runs and murdering my fantasy team.