Coors Light Cold Activated Can changes everything

By Bart Belafonte

THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS- Summer is upon us, and with its hot temperatures comes the inevitable search for ways to cool off. Thanks to Coors Brewing Company, this year will offer the greatest and most innovative way for us to stay cold since the invention of ice. The Coors Light Cold Activated Can, which tells you when your beer is cold, not only changes colors when it is cold, it also changes the way we will experience refreshment from here to eternity.

Coors officials have been understandably enthusiastic about the product that completely obviates the need for hands when determining the temperature of a can of beer. “The Cold Activated Can not only literally saves the country seconds, it also offers a public service to people who do not have the sense of touch,” said Royce Wills, Director of Life-Altering Innovation for Coors. “What Braille did for blind people and reading, the Cold Activated Can will do for touch-less people and telling when beer is cold. Honestly, I'm assuming that there is such a thing as a person without a sense of touch, but I have never met one. I mean, I think I heard one time that Stevie Wonder has no sense of smell, so it figures that there might be people who can't feel.”

The sweeping global impact of the Cold Activated Can could mean big things worldwide. “In his campaign, Obama promised that everything would be different, that we could believe in change, and this can really shows me that Obama meant business,” gushed local beer enthusiast Ted Loebner. Insiders in the Israeli government say that Secretary of State Hilary Clinton's gift of a six-pack of Cold Activated Coors Light has Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reconsidering his hard-line stance against a two-state solution to his country's conflict with Palestine.

[RIGHT TOP- The new way of perceiving a can's temperature. RIGHT BOTTOM- The outdated way of perceiving a can's temperature.]

In spite of such shocking beneficence, liberal activists have criticized Coors for creating a vast right-wing conspiracy. The Coors ad campaign that features glaciers around Manhattan, they argue, undercuts progressive efforts to curb global warming. Coors management has come under fire int eh past for refusing to hire racial minorities, blocking worker organization, and providing financial backing for the conservative Heritage Institute political think-tank. Critics point to polling data that indicate precipitously slipping support for cap-and-trade carbon emissions taxes and increasing public skepticism at the scientific viability of global warming. In fact, one recent poll by the Pew Institute shows that a majority of Americans think that the Cold Activated Can will do more to combat climate change than developing alternative energy sources, reducing greenhouse gas emissions, and hybrid cars combined.

Despite these criticisms, Coors says it will proceed with further product developments. For instance, Wills says that the company is in negotiations with various city and state governments to add a blue light to traffic signals to indicate when roads are icy. They have also made overtures to the Department of Homeland Security to add a Code Blue above Code Red on the terror threat alerts to indicate that all hope is lost, and it is time for the nation to start drinking heavily. Finally, inside sources have hinted that Coors may seek a sponsorship deal with the sun to add a shade of blue to tell Earth's inhabitants when it is cold without having to embark in the cumbersome process of stepping outside.

Coors has already been tabbed for the Presidential Medal of Freedom for their contributions to America's interests at home and abroad, and they are the early leaders in the competition for the Nobel Prize for Chemistry. Perhaps most importantly, they have silenced one of their longtime critics. Bob Seger, who has panned the Silver Bullet Beer for ripping off his band's moniker for decades has said that he is, “as proud as a father” that the company fianlly has lived up to its potential.