Justin Bieber indicted on charges of drug trafficking, murder

By Nia Momopopolous

BUFFALO- Fourteen year old pop sensation Justin Bieber was indicted by a Federal Grand Jury yesterday on fourteen charges of heinous crimes, ranging from witness tampering and torture, to drug trafficking and murder. The Canadian-born teeny bopper’s lawyer said that the government had presented mountains of persuasive evidence, but that he will be interested to see how many of the witnesses dare to testify against his client at trial.

Bieber, who has thus far kept up a squeaky clean public image, has allegedly led a double life: sugary-sweet pop star by day, and sadistic, demented criminal by night. Since his indictment, a flood of stories have washed up describing Bieber’s animalistic tendencies. His reign of terror supposedly began in 2005 when he beheaded his two month old sister with a straightedge razor, and grew to be more heinous over time. Before long, Bieber had laid waste to most of his home province of Ontario, where he created a killing field of every important drug dealer, crime boss, and thug in order to assert his undeniable dominance in the area.



Fritz McKenzie of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police claims that his agency has been aware of Bieber’s malfeasance for years, but has been unable to do anything to curb his law breaking. “We learned aboot Justin in 2006 when he made his power grab in Eastern Ontario. We believe that he murdered at least 17 people that year with his bare hands, which is especially impressive considering that he was 11 years old at the time. The boy is a highly volatile killing machine. Late that year, we sent three of our top Mounties to politely ask him to slow the pace at which he was kidnapping women and young girls into depraved sex slavery, and before they could even voice the request, he had killed all three of them with a single bullet in the driveway, and he left them to bleed out the phrase ‘STAY THE FUCK AWAY’ in perfect script on the pavement. Needless to say, the Mounties did not get their man, and we never went after him a-gain.”

By the following year, Bieber’s activity had carried into Northern New York, and he even had gained a foothold as a heroin trafficker in New York City. Bronx drug dealer and gangster DeAndre Caldwell, recently sentenced to 20 years at Sing Sing, gave a sobering account of Bieber’s sociopathic tendencies. “When El Muerto Blanco- that’s what he made everyone call him- came to New York, he wanted to make an example out of the biggest, toughest guy he could find, so he targeted me,” Caldwell recounted. “After I told him that I ain’t nobody’s bitch, he sodomized me with his head. He shoved his entire head up my ass. And it wasn’t like he did it one time. He installed a computer chip up there so he could record music from inside my rectum. We had a weekly appointment at 8:30 on Wednesdays, and I kept coming back and letting this kid stick his head up my ass as a show of dominance, just because I was afraid of what he would do if I didn’t show up. Think about how fucked up that is- I let him rape me with his face because I was afraid of what he would do if I didn’t let him. I always said that I only fear God and fear my mother. But I learned the hard way to fear Justin Bieber.”

[RIGHT- Bieber flashing a peace sign, a virtue which he has ritualistically eviscerated.]

Perhaps the most disturbing story about Bieber’s descent into the criminal underworld came after he became aware that the FBI was investigating him. Bieber abducted the husband of the secretary of New York’s FBI office, then gouged out his eyes, cut his tongue in half down the middle, cauterized the wounds, the pulled the two strands of his bifurcated tongue out through his empty eye sockets and tied them in a knot. Since he stopped the bleeding, the victim survived, and Bieber kept him alive on an IV drip for 13 days while he stumbled around like a slightly more functional Helen Keller.

There have also been rumors that Bieber’s dominance has stretched around the globe. Certain documents obtained from the CIA indicate that Bieber has purchased enough highly enriched uranium from the Iranian government to make at least three nuclear bombs. While it is unclear as to whether Bieber has the technology to attach these bombs to missiles, the possibility of a suitcase nuke remains terrifying, and his close friendship with Kim Jong-Il raises the question of how long it could be until he would be able to blow up half of the eastern seaboard just to see it burn. When asked about his association with Bieber, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad curled up in the fetal position and began sobbing uncontrollably. Between gasps, he could be heard to say, “Anything but Bieber! Don’t make me revisit that nightmare! I will renounce my faith! Anything, just don’t mention that name!”

At a preliminary hearing, the federal court set bail for Bieber at $250,000, and he was released on bond. He has since rejoined Taylor Swift as the opening act for her Fearless tour in the United Kingdom.