A Snapshot of Senator Dodd’s Finance Industry Reform Bill

By Mitchell Relaford

WASHINGTON- Senator Christopher Dodd, a democrat from Connecticut, proposed his long-awaited finance industry reform bill this week. Weighing in at 1,132 pages, the bill is sure to overwhelm laymen and policy wonks alike. So just in case the vast majority of the Senate is too busy raising money for their next campaigns, here is a quick rundown of some of the bill’s most controversial provisions.


-> In a high disputed move, the financial industry will be held “accountable” from now on. The bill’s definition section explains that by holding the industry “accountable,” they mean that “whenever the financial industry screws up, we will pay them huge sums of money so they don’t have to feel embarrassed. Whenever the financial industry falls ass backwards into profits, we will proclaim that they are the foundation of the free market and give them even more money.”


-> From now on, the Champagne Room at Cheetah Girls is strictly off limits for shareholder meetings. Instead, public money will be made available to book Misty and Sierra for private parties.

[LEFT- A photo of Bank of America Chairman William Stotts leaving a Congressional Hearing on the future of the financial industry.]

-> A briefcase containing $2 million in unmarked, nonconsecutive twenty dollar bills.


-> Over his persistent protestations, former Wachovia CEO Jim McBriar will be thrown into the McBriar patch. His punishment will be overseen by McBriar Fox and McBriar Bear. Zipadeedoodah!


-> Certain commodity exchanges will face more stringent regulation. Nonexistent entities like broadband futures, home loan derivatives, and short-sold foreign debt will still be on the table, but there will be harsh new regulations on the sales of Unicorns, Leprechauns, and Gumdrop Rainbows.

-> As a concession to Senate Republicans, abortion will now be illegal. Instead, doctors will now be able to perform a "magical invisible baby" procedure.


-> The bill establishes a new Banking Czar, a Congressional Chairman for Banking Oversight, an Executive Department of Finance Administration, a Federal Liaison to the Securities and Exchange Commission, a Deputy Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Financial Administration, a Federal Board of Financial Ethics to be comprised of a majority of non-bankers and non-lobbyists, and an Advisor for the Strategic Development of Responsible Investment, all of whom will do jack shit.


-> From now on, the American financial industry will be outsourced to China.