Budget Tips for the U.S. Government

By Fred Olsen, Co-Chair, Center for Family Responsibility

DAYTON- Lately, I have heard a lot about how the government is having trouble coming up with a budget that everyone can agree on. Even though the characters are different, the disagreements are very familiar to me, as I work with families having budget problems all the time at the Center for Family Responsibility, and through volunteer work at my church. All of my experience advising people on budget issues has made me aware of some of the common roadblocks to making a good budget that satisfies everyone’s needs. Whether dad wants a new lawnmower, mom wants a new ironing board, or Sally wants a new sundress, making a budget requires sacrifice by everyone. Today, I want to pass along some of the lessons that I have learned that can help make the budget as painless as possible.

1. Distinguish between Needs and Wants: The Government can save an awful lot of money by figuring out what it really needs, and what it just wants. I would tell the Democrats and Republicans to make a list of everything they will need to buy in the next year, then divide it up into two columns- one for Wants and one for Needs. Some expenses are necessities; the Government is going to have to budget for roads and schools no matter what. But, for example, the Republicans should ask themselves if they really need the Bush tax cuts. Could rich people live without a huge tax cut? That’s the kind of tough question the Government needs to be asking itself as it comes up with a budget.

[RIGHT- With irresponsible financial decisions like this one, it's no wonder the Government is having budget problems.]

2. Try before you Buy: Tell me if you have had this experience before: you see something in an advertisement on television and decide that you have to have it. You shell out your hard earned cash to buy it. It finally shows up on your doorstep, and after putting it together, it does little more than gather dust. Eventually, it gets relegated to a storage closet without ever living up to the money you paid for it. The Government faces this same problem. Take the F-22 Raptor twin-engine fighter jet, for example. For years, the Government wanted the F-22 Raptor worse than Ralphie Parker wanted a Red Ryder BB gun. It sunk billions of dollars into development of the air-to-air combat fighter, only to learn that it didn’t have a use for that technology after the end of the Cold War. If I was advising the Government at that point, I would have told them to try renting an F-22 Raptor, or maybe buying just one to see how it worked, rather than blowing a fortune on an entire fleet of planes that never get taken out of the hangar. The Government can save money in its budget by getting rid of things it doesn’t really need, and trying before you buy is a great way to test how necessary a purchase really is.

3. Little things add up: With a budget as big as the Government’s shaving even a few percentage points off the top can result in big savings. The Government should look into reducing interest payments on its debt by trying to get a home equity loan or line of credit to consolidate all of its debts in one place. I know the Government has had bad experiences with home equity loans in the past, but maybe it should shop around with some of the big lenders- like China, India, and Brazil- to see if any of them want to buy up all of the nation’s debt so the Government could make one, low monthly payment. Many people make similar mistakes with their banks. If you just assume that your banks fees are part of life, you might be missing out on better deals elsewhere. The Government should try to find a bank that offers totally free checking and offers the best possible interest rate. Even if the bank is just charging $20 per month in fees, that’s $240 every year, and it doesn’t take a mathematician to see that those numbers start to add up.

Even though the Democrats and the Republicans in the Government have had a hard time agreeing to a budget, I believe that by following these simple steps, they will be able to an agreement that pleases everyone. With a little bit of hard work and some “trimming the fat,” the Government should be able to avoid a messy conflict and finger-pointing that doesn’t help anyone.

A Snapshot of Senator Dodd’s Finance Industry Reform Bill

By Mitchell Relaford

WASHINGTON- Senator Christopher Dodd, a democrat from Connecticut, proposed his long-awaited finance industry reform bill this week. Weighing in at 1,132 pages, the bill is sure to overwhelm laymen and policy wonks alike. So just in case the vast majority of the Senate is too busy raising money for their next campaigns, here is a quick rundown of some of the bill’s most controversial provisions.


-> In a high disputed move, the financial industry will be held “accountable” from now on. The bill’s definition section explains that by holding the industry “accountable,” they mean that “whenever the financial industry screws up, we will pay them huge sums of money so they don’t have to feel embarrassed. Whenever the financial industry falls ass backwards into profits, we will proclaim that they are the foundation of the free market and give them even more money.”


-> From now on, the Champagne Room at Cheetah Girls is strictly off limits for shareholder meetings. Instead, public money will be made available to book Misty and Sierra for private parties.

[LEFT- A photo of Bank of America Chairman William Stotts leaving a Congressional Hearing on the future of the financial industry.]

-> A briefcase containing $2 million in unmarked, nonconsecutive twenty dollar bills.


-> Over his persistent protestations, former Wachovia CEO Jim McBriar will be thrown into the McBriar patch. His punishment will be overseen by McBriar Fox and McBriar Bear. Zipadeedoodah!


-> Certain commodity exchanges will face more stringent regulation. Nonexistent entities like broadband futures, home loan derivatives, and short-sold foreign debt will still be on the table, but there will be harsh new regulations on the sales of Unicorns, Leprechauns, and Gumdrop Rainbows.

-> As a concession to Senate Republicans, abortion will now be illegal. Instead, doctors will now be able to perform a "magical invisible baby" procedure.


-> The bill establishes a new Banking Czar, a Congressional Chairman for Banking Oversight, an Executive Department of Finance Administration, a Federal Liaison to the Securities and Exchange Commission, a Deputy Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Financial Administration, a Federal Board of Financial Ethics to be comprised of a majority of non-bankers and non-lobbyists, and an Advisor for the Strategic Development of Responsible Investment, all of whom will do jack shit.


-> From now on, the American financial industry will be outsourced to China.

Uighur violence brings abrupt end to confused teen’s identity crisis

By James Broadhorse

KENOSHA- The Uighur riots in China’s Xinjiant province that left 140 dead and many other injured have had a ripple effect on the West. Local teenager Nick McDonald, 16, was taken aback by the Chinese government’s inhumane treatment of the Uighur population, and the crisis has made him reevaluate his own lifestyle.

“I’ve heard people make fun of wiggars before, but I didn’t realize it could get so violent,” McDonald said. “I used to tell people that I was just expressing myself, but if people in China are getting killed for being wiggars, then I can express myself in a different way.”

McDonald expressed surprise that there was a substantial white population in that part of China, let alone a black population for them to emulate. “It just made me realize that you have to be who you really are, naw I’m sayin? Excuse me; do you know what I’m saying?”

McDonald’s friends and family in his home town of Kenosha, Wisconsin were confused at his sudden change of heart at first before quickly realizing the homophonic misunderstanding. Still, everyone from McDonald’s mother to his best friends independently chose not to tell him about the difference between Uighurs- a predominantly Islamic ethnic group in Western China- and wiggars- over-privileged white kids in middle America who appropriate the black culture pushed on them by MTV.

Despite frequent references to his gat, and “capping bitches,” McDonald insists that he is not a violent person. “I know I ran my mouth a lot, talking about how tough I was, but I want everybody to know that I never really hurt anyone,” he pleaded. “My tattooed tears were just drawn on with a Sharpie, and that time I stole a 40 from the liquor store and poured it out on the street, that was just for show, I didn’t really have any dead homies.”

When asked about the incident, McDonald’s friend Shaun Kalder confirmed the situation. “Yeah, no shit Nick didn’t have any dead homies. If he was really so tough, then why did he make me steal the beer from the store?” Kalder went on to recount several instances in which McDonald pretended to be taking phone calls from “his bitches,” only to have his phone history later reveal that they were calls from his grand-parents.

Chinese President Hu Jintao had a different take on the situation. “Stupid white boy no understand no Engrish,” Jintao told the Western media at a press conference. “He think he a brack rapper, but there no bracks in China. We destroy them all a rong time ago. Just kidding United Nations guy! Ohhhh, me so funny!”

Despite the end of the violence in Xinjiang, McDonald plans to lay low for the next few weeks. He has traded in his throwback jerseys and do-rags for baseball caps and t-shirts with sayings such as, “Your Mom” on them. Nonetheless, he says he is going to steer clear of the 7-11 on Piedmont Street for a while, because he doesn’t want the Chinese immigrants who own it to get the wrong idea.

“I already know that Mr. Chang hates me, probably because I’m always stealing licorice from his store,” McDonald said, “but I don’t need to get involved in any of that ethnic cleansing business. I’m already ethnically clean. I mean, look how pale my skin is. I don’t think I even have ethnicity.”