Uighur violence brings abrupt end to confused teen’s identity crisis

By James Broadhorse

KENOSHA- The Uighur riots in China’s Xinjiant province that left 140 dead and many other injured have had a ripple effect on the West. Local teenager Nick McDonald, 16, was taken aback by the Chinese government’s inhumane treatment of the Uighur population, and the crisis has made him reevaluate his own lifestyle.

“I’ve heard people make fun of wiggars before, but I didn’t realize it could get so violent,” McDonald said. “I used to tell people that I was just expressing myself, but if people in China are getting killed for being wiggars, then I can express myself in a different way.”

McDonald expressed surprise that there was a substantial white population in that part of China, let alone a black population for them to emulate. “It just made me realize that you have to be who you really are, naw I’m sayin? Excuse me; do you know what I’m saying?”

McDonald’s friends and family in his home town of Kenosha, Wisconsin were confused at his sudden change of heart at first before quickly realizing the homophonic misunderstanding. Still, everyone from McDonald’s mother to his best friends independently chose not to tell him about the difference between Uighurs- a predominantly Islamic ethnic group in Western China- and wiggars- over-privileged white kids in middle America who appropriate the black culture pushed on them by MTV.

Despite frequent references to his gat, and “capping bitches,” McDonald insists that he is not a violent person. “I know I ran my mouth a lot, talking about how tough I was, but I want everybody to know that I never really hurt anyone,” he pleaded. “My tattooed tears were just drawn on with a Sharpie, and that time I stole a 40 from the liquor store and poured it out on the street, that was just for show, I didn’t really have any dead homies.”

When asked about the incident, McDonald’s friend Shaun Kalder confirmed the situation. “Yeah, no shit Nick didn’t have any dead homies. If he was really so tough, then why did he make me steal the beer from the store?” Kalder went on to recount several instances in which McDonald pretended to be taking phone calls from “his bitches,” only to have his phone history later reveal that they were calls from his grand-parents.

Chinese President Hu Jintao had a different take on the situation. “Stupid white boy no understand no Engrish,” Jintao told the Western media at a press conference. “He think he a brack rapper, but there no bracks in China. We destroy them all a rong time ago. Just kidding United Nations guy! Ohhhh, me so funny!”

Despite the end of the violence in Xinjiang, McDonald plans to lay low for the next few weeks. He has traded in his throwback jerseys and do-rags for baseball caps and t-shirts with sayings such as, “Your Mom” on them. Nonetheless, he says he is going to steer clear of the 7-11 on Piedmont Street for a while, because he doesn’t want the Chinese immigrants who own it to get the wrong idea.

“I already know that Mr. Chang hates me, probably because I’m always stealing licorice from his store,” McDonald said, “but I don’t need to get involved in any of that ethnic cleansing business. I’m already ethnically clean. I mean, look how pale my skin is. I don’t think I even have ethnicity.”