Kate Gosselin seeks new ways to exploit children

By Larissa Huffnaggle

NEW YORK- Kate Gosselin, star of TLC’s smash hit "Jon and Kate Plus 8" and mother of sextuplets, says she is taking advantage of the show’s break from filming by doing what she does best: dreaming up new ways to take advantage of her family for personal fame and fortune.

Gosselin, fresh off of the separation from her estranged husband and the extension of her popular reality show, has rededicated herself to finding "new and exciting" ways to use her children to promote herself while scarring the children permanently and preventing any hope of a normal adult life. Gosselin has pitched ideas to TV executives ranging from putting all eight children in a touring "Jon and Kate Plus 8 On Ice" show to opening a restaurant in Times Square fully staffed and operated by her children. Network executives declined to elaborate on Gosselin’s other promotional ideas, and would only characterize them as, "so appalling that even the Chinese gymnastics coaches would turn away in disgust."

Meanwhile, Gosselin has also sought to expand her notoriety through enhanced self-promotion. She recently signed on with Estee Lauder to create her own fragrance, tentatively named "Fertility," and she remains in negotiations with Wal-Mart for a line of maternity clothing- starting at size XXXXXL- specifically designed for mothers of multiples. Look for her on networks other than TLC, as well, as the star of a new commercial for Dr. Lewis Joseph, the noted vaginal reconstruction surgeon.

Still, Gosselin said her marital difficulties were very hard on her. "Every week, I had to find new and different ways to torture Jon in order to keep the show fresh," Gosselin told reporters. "Every time I saw a potential shred of gratification or happiness, I had to destroy it, but keeping my focus on getting famous at any cost made it easy to quash any feelings of empathy." Gosselin added that the situation ended for the best, as the conflict she created gave her more notoriety than she ever could have imagined.

In her career, Gosselin cited Janice Dickinson and the Real World’s Trachelle as role models, and said her problems her Jon gave her a new reality TV philosophy, "I’ll take this experience as a lesson: the American people love conflict and discord, so I will remain as bitchy as possible to keep myself in the limelight."

Now, Gosselin says that it’s time to move on and try new things. In the near future, she has set the goal of getting her whiny oldest daughter on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars" to remind everyone of how grating her attitude can be. As for her personal life, Gosselin was recently spotted by photographers cavorting with New York Yankees’ star Alex Rodriguez at New York hotspot Flow. Partygoers said the two looked like they were having a great, contrived time together.

What’s next for this loathsome example of the word excesses of America’s voyeuristic instincts? Gosselin says she may try to adopt an African orphan to get the publicity and the inevitable US Weekly cover that goes along with the process, and she has not ruled out the possibility of an experimental embryonic manipulation procedure that would impregnate her with a pair of conjoined twins.