A hilarious misunderstanding in Iran

By Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki

TEHRAN- The world media has had a field day over the last couple of weeks reporting on alleged “widespread violence” and so-called “rioting in the streets” of Tehran in response to questionable election results that consolidated the power of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. But as Iran's Foreign Minister, I can assure you that it has all just been a hilarious misunderstanding- a happy coincidence, if you will. So please, media, just move along. There's nothing more to see here.

You see, the Iranian Presidential Election took place last week, and everyone seems to think that it had something to do with all of the people you see in the streets on television. It's a fair mistake- I may have made the same judgment myself if I was not here to witness it. In reality, this week also marked a big week in World Cup qualifying for Iranian soccer, and you Americans know how crazy the rest of the world gets about soccer. Also, Iranian school just let out last week, so we have soccer hooligans and our version of college spring breakers all converging on the street at the same time. It has nothing to do with Mr. Ahmadinejad's reelection, I assure you. I promise that nobody is dead. You want statistics? Why not just take my word? It's much stronger than statistics.

[RIGHT- A couple of soccer hooligans doing some crazy soccer celebration. Those guys have such a wild good time.]

Twitter posts are used as proof that there is a bloody government crackdown, but you can't trust anything under 140 characters to express the subtlety and nuance of political dialogue. It's too easy to take the posts out of context. Let me give you an example. A recent Tweet coming from the streets of Tehran read: “They're killing us- it's brutal! The police are using rubber bullets!” Now, I found that Twitter user and gently encouraged her to complete that statement. In total, it should have read: “[The other soccer team is far superior to ours. What a shame. In this game,] they're killing us- it's brutal! The police are using rubber bullets [to encourage the rowdy hooligans to peacefully disperse after a frustrating loss].”

If you ask me, all the hubbub is nothing more than a few Americans trying to feel better about their own electoral irregularities. Think about it- America is supposed to be the beacon of freedom and democracy for the rest of the world. But in the last 10 years, the country has had an election decided by the Supreme Court for the candidate with fewer votes, that same candidate getting reelected by telling everyone that only he could save them from the marching armies of married faeries, then another candidate win after being hand-picked by the media to beat out a ditsy beauty queen's slutty, soap opera family. And if you think back a little further, you will recall the excessive use of police force in the Los Angeles riots in the early 1990s, as well as in the race demonstrations of the 1960s. Clearly, the American media is ashamed of these parts of American history, so they try to make it look like Iran has the market cornered on violent riot dispersal. If anything, you should be proud that Iran is finally emulating America instead of burning its flag. Really, a few Iranians invited a few (thousand) of their friends to a party in the streets, and it got a little louder and wilder than anyone expected. No big deal. It's not like anyone is being lynched. Actually, don't quote me on that.

[LEFT- That's not a missile, that's a, uhh, loudspeaker. Yes, a loudspeaker! To broadcast messages of freedom!]

Sometimes, the government encourages tourists to return to prove that an area is stable. After Hurricane Katrina, the New Orleans government urged people to come back to the city to boost its sagging tourist industry and help inject some revenue into the recovery effort. You may expect me to invite you to come visit Tehran to prove that peace and stability still predominate in the region, but do you really wan to do that? Seriously, who visits Iran? You have no reason to come visit our country to see how peaceful and stable it is first hand. These are not the droids you're looking for.

So next time you turn on CNN, just remember that the supposed “riots” you're seeing are not really riots at all, but a bit of revelry by your Iranian friends to celebrate soccer, summer, and democracy. Those socialist weasels are on the news networks are trying to make our government look bad. The truth is, everything in Iran is quite peaceful and stable, at least by the standards of our Iraqi neighbors. Take it from your old buddy Manouchehr.