Where does Federer rank among the all-time greats?

By Dick Enberg, NBC Sports

PARIS- Last weekend, Roger Federer won the French Open to complete the career Grand Slam and tie the record of 14 titles set by Pete Sampras. Even though Federer is still in the prime of his career, analysts have started trying to place his accomplishments in the historical context alongside the greatest tennis players of all time. And while no man can match Federer's resume, skill, and determination, his wife's ugliness prevents him from being considered the greatest of all time.

Before you start to think that Federer's wife's appearance has little bearing on his all-time ranking, it's important to understand just how ugly she really is. She ranks near the apex of all-time ugliest celebrity/athlete wives/girlfriends. She supposedly played professional women's tennis several years ago, but she probably didn't last long having to haul her fat ass around the court. She got started playing tennis on the suggestion of Martina Navratilova. In other words, she's the kind of woman that only lesbians find attractive.

[RIGHT- A photo of a woman who is better looking than Federer's wife. Unfortunately, she was unable to be photographed after NBC Sports lost 3 cameras and 2 good photographers attempting to do so.]

Ranking Federer historically has to start with a comparison to the other great players in the sport. Andre Agassi had that chick from Blue Lagoon (even though her hotness peaked at age 14), Jimmy Connors married a Playboy Playmate, and Sampras picked up Billy Madison's sloppy-seconds: Ms. Veronica Vaughn. Even today, she is one piece of ace...

To be certain, athletes are defined by who they hooked up with on the court. Federer-Nadal may rank up there with Connors-McEnroe or Sampras Agassi. But who you hook up with off the court matters, too, and Federer can't compete with the greats in terms of high class poon. In fact, Federer can't even compare with Eliot Spitzer. Perhaps he could take a lesson from the former New York Governor and use his power and prestige to coerce some starry-eyed ingénue into the sack.

Fellow professional tennis player Andy Roddick, who sucks, managed to get engaged to Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker. Roddick is hardly a god amongst men, but he certainly demonstrates that tennis players do not struggle with women in the way that Federer's relationship would suggest. The fact that Federer could only snag a triple-chinned she-beast calls his manliness into question. Combine that with his funny-looking warm-up blazers and his love of soccer, and we may have a Katie Holmes-esque public beard situation.

To illustrate Federer's missed opportunity, consider the most comparable athlete in another sport- Tiger Woods. Like Federer, Woods was a prodigy who dominated from the moment he turned pro. But rather than taking the path of least resistance and marrying a woman he “loved” and “trusted,” Tiger shot for the stars. Now he's married to a Swedish nanny/model. A Swedish fucking nanny. That accomplishment would make Jack Nicholson and Mick Jagger envious. Tiger has 14 major victories; Federer has 14 Grand Slams. How can Federer be considered an all-time great when his direct contemporary has taken his reputation out to the proverbial woodshed and beaten it silly?

Moreover, Federer has never even sniffed the type of controversy it takes to raise to the level of super-stardom. In this day and age, you can't be a truly great athlete without a tragic vice. Ali was in the Nation of Islam and objected to Vietnam. Jordan gambled enough to make Johnny Chan think he had a gambling problem. Alex Rodriguez may be a baseball playing robot with poorly designed artificial human intelligence. Christiano Ronaldo spends his free time snorting blow off of strippers' nipples. Terrel Owens is a full grown man who behaves like a kindergartener on time out, and Kobe Bryant is an unapologetic rapist. How can Federer, with his squeaky clean image, compete with such flashy brilliance in the hearts of role model-seeking children worldwide?
[LEFT- Nadal costumed as his transvestite alter-ego, "Rafa."]

Some analysts have suggested that Rafael Nadal may someday surpass Federer's greatness, but the best looking woman he has slept with to date was Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo. Then again, after Agassi turned out to be straight, all bets are off.