Jackson’s estate struggles to meet odd demands in will

By Marvin Jerrell

LOS ANGELES- Last week’s unexpected death of erstwhile King of Pop Michael Jackson has left his surviving relatives with the surprisingly difficult task of executing Jacko’s bizarre and sometimes lascivious last requests. In life, Jackson had grown so peculiar that he had grown incapable of surprising his fans and followers; in death, he has discovered a new venue for unpredictable behavior that has returned his name to the tabloid headlines he so desperately sought in life.

Some highlights from Jackson’s will:

-A request by Jackson to donate his body to science was roundly rejected by science, which admitted that it was terrified of what it might find by even examining his body.

-Jackson explained that he wanted to be buried in a medical air-filtration mask to avoid what he described as, “becoming a SARS spreading vessel for evil Chinese terrorists with no love in their hearts.”

-Also on Jackson’s list of items he wants buried with him in his coffin: enough cotton candy, jellybeans, and “Jesus juice” (also known as wine served to young children in Coca-Cola cans) to survive a nuclear attack by the aliens.

[RIGHT- Jackson's magic molestation cocktail.]

-Jackson’s Neverland Ranch, a bloated memorial to aborted childhood, was recently estimated to be worth more than $96 million. Instead of ensuring financial security for his family, Jackson chose to leave the ranch to the man he called, “the only person who can really appreciate the ranch,” boxer Mike Tyson. While Tyson expressed excitement at having new playmates for his white Bengal tigers, he doubted that he would find much use for the Dragon Wagon Kiddie Coaster.

[LEFT- Tyson cuddling with his cute little pet.]

-Jackson, long known for his penchant for plastic surgery, bypassed the complications of giving informed consent after death by drafting an iron-clad “permanent consent” form. Lawyer Chaim Rosenblum, an expert on informed consent from the firm Goldblum, Rosenthal, and Rosenblum, admits that consent from the dead is a thorny issue, but points out that further mutilation could do little to make Jackson look any worse. Moreover, Rosenblum argues that Jackson’s cosmetic surgery had become a cottage industry, without which several plastic surgeons may go out of business.

-After decades of comparison with contemporary pop musician Prince, Jackson admitted that Prince served as the fundamental inspiration for all of Jackson’s important work. Furthermore, Jackson described Prince as “more innovative, talented, revolutionary, and relevant than I could ever hope to be.”

Despite the odd and hard-to-execute requests in Jackson’s will, his family members said they are at peace knowing that Jackson is happy to be in what he called, “that big McDonald’s Play Land in the sky.”