Holy Shit! The Taliban is Scary!

By Dr. Terrance P. Kiernan
Henry Kissinger Senior Fellow of Geopolitics and Security Studies at Cornell University

As a professor of geopolitics and security studies, I am keenly aware of the government’s methods of threat creation employed to keep Americans scared and obedient to the government in its role of father-protector. But as an extremely paranoid human being, I can’t help but devolving into a quivering pool of nerves and skittishness every time the government manufactures a new enemy to terrify me. After a few years of having no reports of foreign instability severe enough to warrant American action, the Federal Government-Mass Media marketing bloc has set its sights on an old foe: the Taliban in Afghanistan. After a failed Afghan election and booming revenues from poppy crops, the Taliban is back, and let me tell you- they are scarier than ever.

I am fully aware that it turned out that Saddam didn’t have weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. I also know that Osama bin Laden wasn’t really hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan. Nonetheless, I spent months, if not years, in crippling fear that one of those two men would end freedom forever, and I have several dozen leftover Osama urinal cakes to prove it. Even when I was younger, I practiced my duck-and-cover procedure daily just in case the Soviets decided to finally drop the bomb. In the end, I couldn’t trust the Russians until Rocky convinced me that we all could change at the end of Rocky IV. Thankfully, through dedicated training and a relentless dedication to America, Sylvester Stallone convinced the dirty, rotten, commie pinkos not to suck the bone marrow out of dead fetuses for nutrition.



So that brings us to the present day, where the threat of the Taliban has reared its ugly head for the second time in a decade. Sure, last time our army squashed their military made up of Cold War relics. I fully understand that their most dangerous weapon is a bomb disguised as a piece of garbage on the side of the road. But I’m scared of Taliban anyway! It’s always better to be safe than sorry, and you never know- this could be the big one!

During my time at the Pentagon, I wrote a policy paper on the profile of a truly dangerous country. I’m sad and terrified to say that they have all of the makings of a true threat to my own life: lawlessness, political instability, poverty, a funny-sounding language, an alphabet that I cannot read, really crappy music, and clothing resembling that worn by various Bond villains.

I know what you’re thinking: didn’t we destroy the Taliban around 2002? That’s what I thought, too! But apparently, the inability of their government to figure out who won their presidential election combined with a drug industry that generates billions of dollars to non-governmental organizations who shape policy has reinvigorated the reactionary right of the country. Sound familiar? That’s right, it’s the exact same procedure that got us into a war with the Taliban the first time.

The thing that really got me scared about the new Taliban was the report about how their new methods are unspeakably wicked. They have big, spooky spiders hidden all over the country, and when they capture freedom-loving soldiers, they put blindfolds on them and make them feel bowls full of eel eyes and cold monkey brains. Isn’t that gross? What’s worse is that they don’t even have Halloween; they dress up like terrorists every day of the year.

[RIGHT- What the Taliban leaders may well look like, according to my extensive study of anti-Americanism in Bond movies.]

Apparently, the Taliban has also been working on some new military tactics and supplies. Intelligence data suggest that they have been using the brains of children to feed an army of zombies. Now, I don’t need to remind you that conventional war strategies and tactics will be inadequate against the undead. Shoot them with bullets? Run over them with tanks? Drop bombs on them? Child’s play to a zombie. They will eat our soldiers then cross the ocean to eat our leaders. Pretty soon, the entire country will be subservient to the Zombie Taliban, and we will have to pray to whatever zombie Muslims pray to every day at sun up and sun down. I shudder.

The potential for war gets even scarier when you consider the rumors of a weaponized strain of swine flu. My sources have told me that the Taliban has loaded capsules of H1N1 in bazookas and can infect an entire brigade at once. Our soldiers would be suffering from aches and fevers! The horror! And what if the rumors are true that Tom Selleck is half-Taliban on his mother’s side? Magnum’s facial hair always looked Arab, but I had no idea that he would turn on the country that made him a hero. If we lose Tom and his moustache, it’s game over, man. Game over!

Look, as an expert on the subject, I know that there’s only one thing to do. We have to get George Bush, Bruce Willis, and the ghost of Eazy-E to team up to take out the Taliban. I have seen enough movies to know that a vigilante coalition for freedom is America’s only hope. Otherwise, we better hope that we our children don’t grow up speaking Taliban.