Susan Boyle in her 14th minute

By Marcos Niedermeyer

LONDON- Susan Boyle, the breakout star of Britain's Got Talent, has nearly run her course as a party in the spotlight. The shy woman from Scotland will need to enter a new phase of celebrity if she wants to remain in the public eye, and many observers have opined that she does not have the mental toughness to make it as a celebrity.

Boyle has already shown remarkable staying power as far as campy flashes-in-the pan go. Her celebrity has outlasted Sully the pilot and the Obama dog. Whether she will parlay her short-lived success into a career of pop culture kitsch depends largely on her ability to develop a catchy one-liner, like the similarly talentless Mr. T's “pity the fool.” Other factors include her inclusion in a farcical parody movie like Scary Movie, her (unlikely) ability to land a celebrity boyfriend and embark on a turbulent romance, and the public interest in her inevitable stint in rehab.

She has shown signs of enlivening her heretofore bland stint of popularity. In recent weeks, she has been seen at night clubs doing body shots off of teenage boys. Her situation has deteriorated to the degree that infamous nut-job Linday Lohan reached out to SuBo out of concern that the sudden crush of tabloid fame has crushed her fragile psyche.

Friends have expressed worry that the oxygen deficiency during her birth that caused a childhood learning disability leaves her vulnerable to further mental health problems. Psychologists have warned that a Boyle meltdown could range anywhere from a Carrie-esque blood-letting to levels of destruction usually reserved for the Incredible Hulk. She offered a brief flash of such rage in a recent beat-down of a photographer, an attack so brutal it made Russell Crowe comment that it was, “seriously fucked up.”

As with many celebrities, once Boyle became overexposed, the other shoe dropped on her personality. Her striking resemblance to Gimli, the dwarf from Lord of the Rings, has led many to speculate that she may not, in fact, be human. Others have said that she is actually an attractive young woman in a plastic Richard Nixon Halloween mask. In any case, her YouTube popularity comes as a shock due to the fact that the visual medium requires viewers to see her hideous visage- a genuinely uncomfortable experience to say the least.

[LEFT- Boyle's ancestor.]

Boyle's ability to maintain a high level of fame is called into question by her lack of marketable skills. She is ugly, cannot act, and speaks in a weird Scottish brogue. Reports indicate that her agent recently contacted US Weekly about publishing a photo spread of Boyle, but the call ended with the sound of vomiting on the other end of the line before uproarious laughter and an eventual dead line.

Boyle also lacks the skills that have made musicians famous in recent years- good lucks, the willingness to do anything and everything a record label demands, and old-fashioned nepotism. In a survey of Ashlee Simpson, Miley Cirus, the Duff sisters, and Brooke Hogan, the starlets unanimously agreed that Boyle's prospects of succeeding in pop music are slim and none- and slim may have just left town.

Supporters have pointed out that Boyle has shown little interest in fame, and have blamed the media for her deteriorating mental state. They argue that she has been maliciously overexposed and torn down by gossip columnists seeking to further their own careers at her expense. Obviously, you don't believe this argument, or else you would not be reading about her right now, you self-centered, voyeuristic fuck.

Conservatives take aim at Sotomayor

By Bosephus Tureaud

NEW YORK- As soon as appellate court judge Sonia Sotomayor received President Barack Obama's nomination to the Supreme Court, she started hearing objections from conservatives who think her jurisprudential style is unbecoming of the nation's highest bench. In particular, Sotomayor has shown a tendency to favor progressive action and policies- a tendency that has drawn her opponent's ire.

Conservatives say that Sotomayor's comments at a Duke University law conference, caught on tape, defy the spirit of judicial deference and indicate a slight tendency toward judicial activism. They point to part of the tape where Sotomayor can be heard screaming, “I am above the law! No one will stop me from achieving my final solution! You must all bow before La Sonia!”

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter further questioned Sotomayor's qualifications, arguing that, "Saying that someone would decide a case differently... because she's a Latina, not a white male, that statement by definition is racist." Coulter proceeded to spin her head in circles three times, speak in tongues, and vomit pea soup on James Carville through a satellite feed.

[RIGHT- Coulter discussing Sotomayor's qualifications.]

Although Sotomayor is unlikely to confront specific political issues during her nomination process, she has faced criticism for several of her stated stances from her appellate-era stances. Her controversial positions include her desire to force everyone in the country to get gay married and adopt black children; to give mandatory abortions without parental notification to every woman under age 21, regardless of whether she is pregnant; and to take away everyone's guns and give them to illegal immigrants, who will form a dangerous militia that will demand white people's jobs. She has also made legal forays into the sporting world. For instance, she banned Dale Earnhardt from wearing the protective HANS device at the Daytona 500, causing his death in the 2001 race.

Furthermore, Sotomayor is accused of cronyism and preferential treatment for appointing fellow South Bronx native KRS-ONE as law clerk and consulting Nas's amicus briefs. She has also been quoted as saying “I used to have a little, but now I've got a lot. I'm still Sonya from the block,” which has called into question her objectivity in making legal decisions.

[LEFT- Sotomayor, wearing his now-infamous dress to the 2000 Grammy Awards.]

After the nomination, Sotomayor was seen plotting the vast left-wing conspiracy at a vegan coffee shop with Bill Ayers and Osama Bin Laden. She was drinking a half-caf, double soy mochaccino with three squirts of Irish crème while re-filling Bin Laden insulin pump. The conspiracy recently succeeded in securing Al Franken's election to the U.S. Senate by enlisting activist judges, and has vowed not to stop until Susan Sarandon is appointed as Attorney General to President Martin Sheen.

Chief Justice John Roberts, when asked what he thought of Sotomayor's legal qualifications, said, "Ew, girls!"

Sotomayor's backers have been nearly as vocal in their support of the nominee. Liberal pundit Barackstarr_DEM4life commented that, “THE GOP ARE NUTZ. THEY CAUSED 9/11 AND ALL THE GRIEF THEIR AFTER. CHENEY'S A DESPOT LIKE AARON BURR WAS. LIMBAUGH'S A DRUG ADDICK. THE GOP IS A TRAIN RECK, WHERE WAS CHENEY IN VIET-NAM? LMAO.” He went on to say that Sotomayor would provide a diverse voice from a unique set of life experiences for an institution dominated by white males. w00t

Swine Flu not cool anymore

By Eugene Nesbit

TOPEKA- Mere weeks after terrifying citizens nationwide, the swine flu virus is quickly losing momentum, sliding down the nation's list of most interesting topics. Soon, the virus may fall off of the front page of Google News, and outbreaks may fail to make local news broadcasts.

Despite increased infection and death rates in most communities, the nation's short attention span has forced the virus out of the collective consciousness. “When swine flu first came out, it seemed really exotic and scary, but the more I think about it, there's nothing all that interesting about getting sick from a pig,” said local lowest common denominator Todd Hellman. “I mean, with American Idol coming down to the wire and the NBA playoffs heating up, something had to give. I only have 6-7 hours per day to browse the internet, so reading about new swine flu cases just had to go.”

The World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control have continued to issue warnings, but they have fallen on deaf ears. Officials from both organizations recently announced that the risk of a pandemic is an all-time high. They instructed people to wash their hands frequently and to cov...

The rest of the warning remains unknown, as no one was interested enough to finish listening to it.

[RIGHT- The asshole who got us into this mess.]

Even though infection rates are up by 200% in the United States, statistics show that people jokingly claiming to have swine flu after coughing has declined by over 300%. Similarly, a majority of Americans found it acceptable to refuse to shake hands only 3 weeks ago, but today over 80% describe wearing a hospital mask in public as “Michael Jackson weird.”

Publicists see a possibility for swine flu to make a comeback, but not with its current look. “America loves a good pandemic,” said Nikole Varon of StylesP Image Consultants. “Look back to the hype surrounding SARS and bird flu in recent years. It's a good way to get in the news. On the other hand, you have to stay fresh to keep people's attention. If I was running swine flu, I'd tell people I was making a big return: I'd rechristen myself with a new name, like Mega Swine Flu or Swine Flu Strain 2.0. Then, I'd make up some new symptoms, like auditory hallucinations and start blaming unrelated deaths on the virus. Remember, there's no such thing as bad press.”

Experts point out that other social phenomena have had a similarly short shelf life, but made a comeback. The Taliban in Afghanistan, for instance, were considered so threat-worthy in 2001 that the United States launched a full scale war and committed billions to reconstruction before aborting the mission in mid-stream. Recently, President Obama has generated interest in revisiting the fad from earlier in the decade. So even as much needed funding for vaccines gets diverted to humanitarian aid for Pakistan, swine flu supporters hold out hope that their cause will be more retro-chic than “rebuilding New Orleans passe.”

Count rapper Tony Yayo as one of swine flu's remaining believers. The New York emcee has named his new mixtape after the global pandemic, functionally a bet that the nation will continue to care about swine flu. When surveyed, approximately 28% of Americans believed that swine flu will dominated the headlines again before the end of the calender year, indicating a broad base of support. Interestingly, the same percentage believes that the second coming of Christ will occur in the next year.

Those suffering from swine flu want the disease to stay in the public eye long enough for the government to disseminate a vaccine. “Please, please, help my family,” begged Rosanne Marshall. “We are dying. We need your support. Wait, there's a new season of Desperate Housewives starting?”

Coors Light Cold Activated Can changes everything

By Bart Belafonte

THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS- Summer is upon us, and with its hot temperatures comes the inevitable search for ways to cool off. Thanks to Coors Brewing Company, this year will offer the greatest and most innovative way for us to stay cold since the invention of ice. The Coors Light Cold Activated Can, which tells you when your beer is cold, not only changes colors when it is cold, it also changes the way we will experience refreshment from here to eternity.

Coors officials have been understandably enthusiastic about the product that completely obviates the need for hands when determining the temperature of a can of beer. “The Cold Activated Can not only literally saves the country seconds, it also offers a public service to people who do not have the sense of touch,” said Royce Wills, Director of Life-Altering Innovation for Coors. “What Braille did for blind people and reading, the Cold Activated Can will do for touch-less people and telling when beer is cold. Honestly, I'm assuming that there is such a thing as a person without a sense of touch, but I have never met one. I mean, I think I heard one time that Stevie Wonder has no sense of smell, so it figures that there might be people who can't feel.”

The sweeping global impact of the Cold Activated Can could mean big things worldwide. “In his campaign, Obama promised that everything would be different, that we could believe in change, and this can really shows me that Obama meant business,” gushed local beer enthusiast Ted Loebner. Insiders in the Israeli government say that Secretary of State Hilary Clinton's gift of a six-pack of Cold Activated Coors Light has Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reconsidering his hard-line stance against a two-state solution to his country's conflict with Palestine.

[RIGHT TOP- The new way of perceiving a can's temperature. RIGHT BOTTOM- The outdated way of perceiving a can's temperature.]

In spite of such shocking beneficence, liberal activists have criticized Coors for creating a vast right-wing conspiracy. The Coors ad campaign that features glaciers around Manhattan, they argue, undercuts progressive efforts to curb global warming. Coors management has come under fire int eh past for refusing to hire racial minorities, blocking worker organization, and providing financial backing for the conservative Heritage Institute political think-tank. Critics point to polling data that indicate precipitously slipping support for cap-and-trade carbon emissions taxes and increasing public skepticism at the scientific viability of global warming. In fact, one recent poll by the Pew Institute shows that a majority of Americans think that the Cold Activated Can will do more to combat climate change than developing alternative energy sources, reducing greenhouse gas emissions, and hybrid cars combined.

Despite these criticisms, Coors says it will proceed with further product developments. For instance, Wills says that the company is in negotiations with various city and state governments to add a blue light to traffic signals to indicate when roads are icy. They have also made overtures to the Department of Homeland Security to add a Code Blue above Code Red on the terror threat alerts to indicate that all hope is lost, and it is time for the nation to start drinking heavily. Finally, inside sources have hinted that Coors may seek a sponsorship deal with the sun to add a shade of blue to tell Earth's inhabitants when it is cold without having to embark in the cumbersome process of stepping outside.

Coors has already been tabbed for the Presidential Medal of Freedom for their contributions to America's interests at home and abroad, and they are the early leaders in the competition for the Nobel Prize for Chemistry. Perhaps most importantly, they have silenced one of their longtime critics. Bob Seger, who has panned the Silver Bullet Beer for ripping off his band's moniker for decades has said that he is, “as proud as a father” that the company fianlly has lived up to its potential.

Let's get some fillies in here!

By Papa Clem, 12-1 Morning Line Odds to win Preakness Stakes

PIMLICO- I've been going to horse races my whole life. I don't care what you say about how fun the Triple Crown is- you gotta listen to me. Seriously, we need to get some fillies in here; I don't want this Preakness to be another sausage fest.

Everybody's so overprotective about letting fillies go to the big races because they're worried the colts will take advantage of them. Yeah, I know that Eight Belles got euthanized at the Derby a couple years back, but she was asking for it with the way she was kicking her legs up. Just cuz she won the race doesn't mean she can be all stuck up. We need to get some fillies who know how to have a good time.

I talked to Justwhistledixie a while ago and she said she was gonna try to show up for the Preakness, but then she backed out because she had a tender foot. Yeah, whatever. Fillies are always coming up with dumb excuses like having a tender foot. Well maybe if they didn't think they needed new shoes every time they went out, they wouldn't end up with hurt feet all the time. Seriously, she might as well just say that she has to wash her mane.

I heard that Rachel Alexandra was supposed to show up and that's awesome. She has such a great pedigree. She's got it all: great teeth, a shiny coat, and some of the best hind-quarters I've ever seen- and I'm a hind-quarter man all the way. I'd love to take her out behind the grand stand and show her how I did 7 furlongs in 1:25.60 at Santa Anita Park.

I've heard people talking about her, saying that they want to stud her with Curlin. They say she's a big, physical horse who needs a powerful colt for breeding. I know Curlin is a two time horse of the year, but he's not any better than me. We were both sired by Smart Strike, and I'm a real stallion at stud. Plus, I am literally hung like a racehorse.

If she tries to resist, I can just slip a mickey in her oatbag. You know how easy it is to drug racehorses? You don't need to be the talented Mr. Ed to figure out how to get by the testing board for these races- they practically want you to drug the horses. Once she's gotone of those in her system, she'll be chomping at the bit to stud with me. Then it'll be time to feed

her my carrot, if you know what I mean.

I know what you're thinking, that fillies are sexually immature horses, age two and younger. Go ahead, call me a stable robber. I've heard it all before. But my slogan is: If there's grass on the infield, then play ball.

Do me a favor. When Rachel Alexandra gets here, don't tell her I was talking about her. I'm going to compliment her silks and see how it goes from there.

Commentary: Outrage an Outrage

By Senator Trent Lott, special to OMGTN

By now, most of you have probably heard of the forthcoming movie Outrage. As such, most of you probably know that the premise of the movie is naming names of Republican politicians who have had homosexual experiences by interviewing their partners.

Needless to say, the filmmakers' underhanded tactics are a travesty, and a sham, and a mockery of justice and the American way. Now I'm not saying that I condone homosexuality- Jesus' autobiography clearly stated that marriage consists of a man, a woman, and the missionary position-, but what has the world come to when rich, white men can't have unseemly, private habits that contravene the ideological foundations of their careers?

Admit it: America would not function if white politicians had to confront their secret habits. If the public knew about Thomas Jefferson's affair with Sally Hemmings, he would never have made the Louisiana Purchase. If the people would have learned the truth about JFK and Marilyn Monroe- (amongst others), he would never have been the transformative figure that he became in society. And if society was brought up to speed on Barack Obama's obsession with barely-legal pornography that can't be sent through the mail- well, let's just say the economy wouldn't be the thing needing a bailout.

What I'm getting at here is that the world would be much better off if it stopped asking questions about politicians' private lives. Sure, the Patriot Act gives the government unfettered access to every citizen's private life, but speaking as someone who has access to that privileged information, I can tell you that most citizens' lives are extremely mundane. The money, power, and social connections available to politicians put them in a position of unique opportunity that should excuse them from the lowest level of public scrutiny.

If we allow filmmakers to start poking around and asking questions about male politicians discreetly getting pegged from time to time, where does the inquisition stop? Many prominent conservative theorists have analyzed the issue of slipping social values during the recent same-sex marriage debates, and have definitively concluded that once the taboo surrounding homosexuality falls, bestiality is next. So when you go to see this film, remember that every dollar you spend to see Outrage is a dollar spent toward researching photos of politicians having sex with pigs- a fate which could doom the American democracy.

In actuality, bestiality is not any worse than any other form of sexuality. Even though it is a social taboo, bestiality is only a few small steps from the affection an owner feels for his dog when scratching behind his ears. And any pet owner can tell you that he can perceive his pet's emotions- a whimper for hunger, and a wagging tail for happiness. So don't tell me a dog can't consent. You and I both know that a dog is a man's best friend, and in some cases, more than his friend. Even though no means no, a wagging tail definitely means yes.

[RIGHT- Senator Lott's newest staff member, Daisy]

Issues of consent become even murkier when one considers the totality of the circumstances. In the abstract, one must examine the social and psychological factors involved in someone's development before casting aspersions about his morality. More practically, nobody forced that dog to lick peanut butter off of my- excuse me, someone's- ball sack.

Finally, consider the hypocrisy of living in a world that raises animals for the sole purpose of killing them for food, but does not allow the same people who will eat those animals to enjoy their company while they are alive. Why is it acceptable to be a pig eater, but reprehensible to be a pig fucker? (Note that this comparison does not apply in Islamic or Jewish parts of the world.)

In fact, the thought of easy access to dead animals has given me an idea. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go visit my butcher.

Please turn off the camera.

K-Mart's mom challenges Cuban to public debate

By Jonathan Mortimer Anthony-Simon

DALLAS- Lydia Moore, the mother of Denver Nuggets forward Kenyon Martin, has challenged Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban to a public debate. Moore's public invitation comes in response to Cuban's actions following his team's playoff game against Dallas, when he told Moore that her son was a “thug.”

At her Tuesday press conference, Moore said that she was not amused by Cuban's comments. “Mr. Cuban holds a position of high public regard. His callow and self-serving remarks are unbefitting of his lofty social status, and reflect an unconscionable disregard for customary social graces. More colloquially, he needs a lesson in manners.”

[RIGHT- Cuban fails at social interaction.]

Moore bemoaned the waning standards of social interaction, and blamed Cuban's advocacy of Web 2.0 for society's diminished conversational skill. She said that she longed for a return to the time of erudite commentator William F. Buckley, who championed propriety in social ethics. She went on to cite Barry Goldwater's The Conscience of a Conservative as a formative book in her life, one that established the guiding principles of independence and self-sufficiency. She added that, “Mr. Cuban's crude behavior impugns his own credibility, and simultaneously undermines my capability to constructively and positively influence my son.”

Moore believes that a debate would provide, “a public forum that would extricate Mr. Cuban from the technological social filter that has apparently retarded his convivial maturation.”

[LEFT- Moore at Buckley's 2008 funeral.]

Martin was similarly dismayed by Cuban's remarks.

“Mr. Cuban's brash accusations of petty thuggery undermine and besmirch the integrity of my family's lineage,” added Martin, visibly emotional over concern for his mother. “I participate in the game of basketball for the furtherance of the greater glory of the National Basketball Association, my esteemed teammates, and our patrons. If my style of play verges on overzealousness, it is exclusively for the furtherance of these interests.”

“Mmm-Hmm. That boy think he slick, but what he done ain't right,” said Ms. Moore's attorney, Percy P. Heffernan, esq., of Heffernan, Heffernan, Heffernan, and Putz. “He think that he goin play her, but what he ain't know is that my girl L ain't the one to fuck with.”

Cuban has so far offered no response to Moore, but his supporters say that he is unlikely to agree to any face-to-face interaction with Moore, due to his preference for communicating exclusively through Blackberry and blog posts. When asked about Cuban's preference for digital communication, Moore called the tendency, “shallow and pedantic.”

At that point, Moore called an end to the press conference to sip orange drank and chain smoke menthol cigarettes.