United States Claims Split-Decision Victory Over Iraq

By Bert Long, Senior Boxing Writer

WASHINGTON- The United States won a controversial decision over Iraq in a fight dubbed “Operation Enduring Freedom” last week. The victory moves the US’s record to 46-0-1 with 29 wins coming by way of knockout, but it was not the sort of dominating performance that some experts expected would solidify the country’s spot as the reigning heavyweight champion of countries.

The US was able to take down Iraq with a flurry of punches that landed in the early rounds and stunned the insurgent guerrillas. Iraq’s comeback in the middle rounds showed the champion’s age, and the inability to put away a weaker opponent demonstrated a loss of punching power and hand-speed. Nonetheless, the US was able to alter its strategy in the late rounds to stick it out for a clear win on the judges’ scorecards. While the victory was not so decisive as to end Iraq’s career, it was certainly the result that most predicted for the US.

The US maintained its undefeated record with the victory, though several of those matchups have come with a great deal of controversy. For example, when the United States was at the top of its game in the 1950s and 1960s, it exhibited the same type of hubris that doomed great champions like Apollo Creed by accepting challenges from unknown opponents such as Korea and Vietnam, both of which ended in uneven performances and disputed results. Despite the controversy, most boxing historians agree that the US’s record holds up against acre-for-acre greats like Rome, China, Greece, and the US’s first rival, Great Britain.

In fact, the US made its name with a stunning upset of Great Britain in its first professional fight in the late 18th century. A heavy underdog in the bout, the US used speed and a brilliantly executed game plan to out-point the reigning heavyweight champion at the time. While it took some time for the US to be recognized as an acre-for-acre contender in its own right, that fight was certainly the “Clay vs. Liston moment” in the young fighter’s early career.

[RIGHT- The US taking a break from training before one of its fights in the epic trilogy with Germany.]



While father time has taken its toll on the US as it would on any fighter, the old lion has shown a great deal of resiliency. What the country no longer has in speed, it makes up for with a still-lethal right hand and a great deal of veteran cunning that intimidates many opponents before even stepping in the ring. For instance, the US recently reaffirmed its status as one of the best fighters in a somewhat weaker era by knocking out Libya in the first round.

Like many great fighters, the US has had its career defined by some memorable rivalries that have brought the best out of the country. In addition to the early career rivalry with Great Britain, who later became a friend and training partner of the US, the USSR and Germany helped define the career of the United States by pushing it to level of greatness that can only be reached by going toe-to-toe with a worthy adversary. Even though the US’s legacy was already safe by the time it first encountered Iraq, the two fight series has helped define the latter stages of the country’s prestigious career.

Despite a tremendous amount of in-ring success, the United States has had many problems along the way. For example, there are persistent rumors that the US has mismanaged its finances badly over the last 20 years and must continue chasing big paydays in the ring even though its best days are behind it. The US certainly expected a bigger payday from its bout with Iraq, but when the oil fields failed to pay off, the US was left looking for another opponent who could offer a larger purse. Despite earning trillions in past fights, the United States has spent excessively and has joined past greats like Mike Tyson as fighters who have little to show financially for their in-ring dominance.

Furthermore, the latter portion of the US’s proud career has been dogged by legal trouble and speculation that the country has taken too many blows to the head. Repeatedly, the US has faced charges in the World Court for illegal tactics out of the ring, and must address on-going allegations of mortgage fraud that further mar its reputation. With increased knowledge of problems associated with concussions and repeated head trauma, some have speculated that the United States is “punch drunk,” or even suffering from Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy. CTE often leads to memory loss, aggression, confusion, and depression, all symptoms which the US shows frequently on reality television.

Despite all of the criticism, the US has proven itself to be an all-time great warrior with the skill and determination to match some of the best who ever fought. What the future holds for the US is unclear, as many of its rivals through Europe have fallen by the wayside. New challengers are emerging in China and India who may try to take the US’s title, but the failures of those who have come before show the difficult road those fighters have ahead of them.

Pujols, Wilson follow Latroy Hawkins’s lead to Anaheim

By Chauncey McGill
Anaheim- Major League Baseball’s balance of power shifted drastically to the west this week when All-Star free agents Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson joined reliever Latroy Hawkins to form a dynamic new core for the team. This “Big 3” rivals the free agency haul of last year’s Miami Heat, and is sure to bring a similar amount of attention to what was once SoCal’s “other” baseball team.

Hawkins, formerly of the Milwaukee Brewers, set the stage for the rapid-fire signings earlier this week by agreeing to a 1-year, $3 million contract to become a key cog in the Angels’ bullpen. After the team shored up that weakness, prized free agents Pujols and Wilson had no reservations about joining the squad that missed the playoffs last year.

[LEFT- Hawkins, Pujols, and Wilson forged a deep and enduring friendship during their time on Team USA. Now, that friendship has brought them together in Anaheim.]

Pujols spoke to reporters about how important it was for the team to lock down Hawkins. “I had a very tough choice between staying with the defending champions in St. Louis or taking a little more money to infuriate all of the fans who have supported me for the last ten years. I was not about to take that risk with a team that did not have a rock-solid bullpen to lock down games. Signing Hawkins really signaled that this Angels team means business and cares deeply about winning, which is exactly why I wanted to come here to play.”

Signing Hawkins was the first major move by new General Manager Jerry Dipoto, who joined the staff from the Arizona Diamondbacks earlier this fall. Dipoto noted that the Diamondbacks made last year’s playoffs due in part to a much improved bullpen that helped protect leads better than in years past, and he wanted to replicate that success in Anaheim. Without signing Hawkins, he said, the Pujols and Wilson signings- which amount to a combined $325 million- would have been frivolous and without merit.

Hawkins earned his salary by appearing in 52 games for the Brewers last year and accumulating a 2.42 ERA. Only three starting pitchers in the National League- Clayton Kershaw, Roy Halladay, and Cliff Lee- had a lower ERA than Hawkins, and none of them appeared in anywhere near 52 games. Additionally, Hawkins brings with him the expertise and inside knowledge of having played for almost every team in the Major Leagues. After starting his career with the Twins, Hawkins, who will turn 38 later this month, had stints with the Cubs, Giants, Orioles, Rockies, Yankees, Astros, and Brewers. Whenever the Angels play any of those teams, his firsthand knowledge of their strengths and weaknesses will be invaluable.

Wilson, who signed after leading the rival Texas Rangers to consecutive World Series, added that the Hawkins addition set a tone of selflessness in the clubhouse. “It was really gracious for Latroy to take such a small salary compared to Albert and me,” Wilson said at his introductory press conference. “If he had demanded more money, the team probably would not have had enough left over to sign both of us. Even though he is only making about 1% of the salaries that we are making, I think he deserves 100% of the credit for this plan coming together.”

The “plan” to which Wilson referred is an infamous pact between Pujols, Wilson, and Hawkins that took place at Hawkins’ bachelor party in the 2004 offseason. The three agreed that they would time their contracts to all run out after the 2011 season, then join each other to play together and win championship with whichever team could afford to pay them all their desired salaries. Many questioned whether that pact would hold up. Today we have the answer.

When asked for comment, newly acquired Angels catcher Chris Iannetta said, “Hey, what about me?”

STFU Hippie, Vol. 3: Cancer Awareness

I saw a young man with a patchy, whispy mustache this week and I asked him why he decided to grow out facial hair that his genetics could not support. “I’m growing a mustache because I’m raising awareness of men’s cancer,” the man responded. I bit my tongue and I let him have his moment, but what he said was preposterous. If he told a middle-aged man to get a professional prostate massage once a year, and- TA-DA!- some whiskers magically appeared on his upper lip, then he would be growing a mustache because he raised awareness of men’s cancer. In reality, he is falling victim to an inane fad, but he learned from the Pogs debacle that it is much better to link your stupid behavior to a social cause, lest someone questions the sheep-like mentality.

Raising awareness of cancer! We live in a time where we can conjure full movies to our telephones and cars can parallel park themselves. Believe it or not, the information age has allowed pretty much everyone in the world to be “aware” of cancer. What the hell is cancer awareness supposed to accomplish? Are a few more donations going to push the billions donated every year over the top to finding a “cure?” Are the scientists researching cancer not trying hard enough and need to see your ribbon or your mustache so they know how important it is that they cure cancer? You have no role in curing
cancer, you ignorant, solipsistic, arrogant prick.

I have heard some people say that the importance of raising cancer awareness is that it encourages people to take preventative measures. There are two reasons that this logic would only convince the hopelessly stupid. First, most of these stupid awareness campaigns are ultimately fundraisers. Most of the money that is raised is used to perpetuate the cancer awareness industry through marketing and paying staff. There is some small percentage that actually goes to cancer research, but how do you think that research money is spent? It is spent on pharmaceutical trials for treating cancer, which require people to have cancer, which is directly adverse to the idea of preventing cancer. In other words, raising money for cancer treatment research provides an economic incentive for doctors and pharmaceutical companies to NOT prevent cancer, because then who would they treat? Second, how the hell does a mustache or 15 minutes of power walking raise prevention awareness? Susan G. Komen isn't racing for a cure, she's racing for self-satisfied notoriety and money. If I was a betting man- and I am- I would wager everything I own that the vast majority of men who didn’t shave in November in order to raise cancer awareness could not tell me what the appropriate screening practice for prostate cancer is. And by majority, I mean 98%. And by 98%, I mean everyone. If you fit into that category, please don’t take this as a suggestion that you should go learn th

e screening process so you can preach about it down the road. Take it as a suggestion to shut up because you’re dumb.

[RIGHT: If people who are dumb enough to think this shirt is funny are aware of cancer, then I think you can stop wearing your pink batting gloves, Jose Reyes.]

Speaking of dumb people who think they are doing a good deed but are actually accomplishing nothing, the cancer awareness bug has seemingly bit every American professional sports team. Every NFL team, bastions of public health and welfare that they have always been, seems to have added neon pink to its color scheme this year in order to… I don’t know, blend in? Further obscure the off center racing stripes on their pants? Baseball players have even taken to using pink baseball bats. If I had to guess why they think this is a good idea, I’d probably say that they think they come out even on the cosmic accounting scale when you add the benefits of the pink bats and subtract the fact that they are actively causing cancer by chewing tobacco. What possible impact could a pink towel have? Is a researcher seeing it and saying “Oh crap! I better go administer this double blind clinical trial during the seventh inning stretch?” Okay, I suppose it is fair to acknowledge that the pink memorabilia is a way to sell yet another alternate color jersey without seemingly besmirching a team’s rich heritage, but let’s do without the charade next time- we know you’re running a business.

So what do we really know about cancer? Well, cancer was first classified as an illness around 400 B.C. by Hippocrates. You might be familiar with his big hit single- the Hippocratic Oath, for which he is the namesake. Judging by his career, the oath might as well have been, “First discover cancer, then fail to cure it, then do no harm.” Think about that, we have been “aware” of cancer since hundreds of years before people decided it was a bad idea to crucify people. We have been “aware” of cancer since before there was such a thing as “paper” on which to write the word “cancer.” But it’s good to see that you have that ribbon, so I guess we’re covered. Now please shut up and shave your face.

Cain to End Candidacy, Continue Campaigning

By Jackson Stone

AMES- Erstwhile Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain announced at a press conference this week that he is ending his bid for the Republican nomination in next year’s Presidential election, but that he will continue making campaign speeches, airing television ads, fundraising, and participating in semi-weekly televised debates. Sources close to Cain say that the former Godfather’s Pizza CEO realized that the presidency is not a good fit for him, but that the exposure he gains through campaigning is too good to pass up.

“I regret to tell my constituency today that I will no longer be seeking the Republican nomination for the Presidency of the United States,” Cain told reporters gathered at a campaign speech at Iowa State University on Monday. “But that does not mean that my message will be lost or that my supporters will have to compromise their beliefs. I will continue giving all of my scheduled speeches about how poor people don’t work hard enough. More importantly, my Herman Cain merchandise will still be for sale, but with the “in 2012” part crudely colored over with permanent marker. Best of all, my campaign will no longer be subject to the federal fundraising laws that the liberal elites have forced on us hard working Americans.”

While the move surprises many, those who thought that Cain’s candidacy was an elaborate publicity stunt from the start see it as confirmation of their suspicions. Many skeptics said that Cain never had any real interest in becoming the President, but wanted to boost his name recognition to sell more self-help books and increase attendance on his lucrative motivational speaking tours. When he unexpectedly rose to the top of a weak field of Republican candidates, some believe that Cain proactively sought out ways to torpedo his campaign, such as the multiple sexual harassment settlements that conspicuously came to light at the same time or the inexplicable campaign ad that featured a staff member smoking a cigarette.

[RIGHT- Dropping his candidacy will allow Cain to achieve his campaigns true goal- becoming a Fox News pundit.]

Hilda Carmani of the American Center for Political Analysis, a D.C.-based think tank, pointed out that Cain’s strategy was risky from the start, which led to this unprecedented extrication. “While it is common for the allure of public attention to be a draw for aspiring politicians, that factor has been especially prevalent in recent years. In fact, I have not been able to identify any reason for Cain to be in the race other than the exposure it creates: he has not advanced a single serious policy proposal, he does not seem to understand the nuance of the job, and he has no sense of personal magnanimity. But that’s not to say that he is one of a kind, as he is most likely taking his lead from Sarah Palin. Palin also got into politics to serve her own ego, came perilously close to having to take on real responsibility, intentionally ruined her chances, then retreated to a world of uninformed diatribes and lucrative reality TV deals. Cain seems to be following that model.”

Even though some see the sexual harassment charges mounted against Cain as evidence of a carefully coordinated self-immolation technique, that viewpoint is far from universal. In fact, some say that the reason Cain is no longer seeking the nomination is that the allegations so-far released are only the tip of the iceberg. Some evidence suggests that Cain may have sexually harassed as many as 15,000 women in the last 30 years, or an average of 1.5 women per day. If he were to continue seeking the nomination, the payoffs necessary to keep all of those women quiet would be difficult to afford under campaign finance laws. As a private citizen, though, Cain has more leeway in fundraising and is subject to fewer disclosure laws, so the payoffs can continue unfettered.

Cain’s new status as a former candidate but current campaigner creates some logistical issues. For instance, it is unclear whether he will continue to campaign in the key primary states of Iowa or New Hampshire or if he will move on to larger markets to further enhance his name recognition. One question that has already been answered is about his participation in future debates, as CNN has already announced that he will be allowed to take part in all debates aired on the network due to his tremendous positive impact on the ratings.

“Principal for a Day” Program Goes Horribly Awry

By Parker Wallace

COLUMBUS- The “Principal for a Day” Program at Rutherford B. Hayes Elementary School in northeastern Columbus was derailed on Tuesday when it was discovered that 6-year old Tommy Warrick was woefully underqualified. After winning the honor for coming in first place in his 1st grade spelling bee, Warrick was completely overwhelmed by the complex administrative and personnel duties that the usual principal, Maureen Jackson, deals with every day.

Warrick began the day of abject failure by arriving later than is customary for the principal. While Principal Jackson would normally get to school between 6:30 and 7 A.M., Warrick did not arrive until approximately 7:55 A.M, only minutes before the school’s bell was set to ring. As a result, secretary Norma Flynn had to arrange coverage for two absent teachers, field over 20 phone calls from parents, dispatch a janitor to fix a broken faucet in the girl’s bathroom, and monitor the staff sign-in sheet with no assistance. When an exasperated Flynn asked Warrick if there was any reason for his late arrival, the child unsympathetically brushed aside her concern, saying that, “this is the time my mom always drops me off.”

The situation became even worse for Flynn when she asked Warrick what he wanted to drink. Jackson customarily drinks hot tea in the morning, but occasionally prefers coffee with cream and Splenda. Instead, Warrick told Flynn that he wanted orange juice. When he was informed that the office only had coffee and tea prepared, he said that he “does not like coffee and tea,” and “wants orange juice.” Flynn interpreted the request as a directive from a superior and left the school to drive to the nearest 7-11 and purchase a bottle of orange juice with her own money. From there, the monumental failure of Warrick's administration would only deepen.

[LEFT- If only Warrick had taken his responsibility as seriously as last year's Principal for a Day, Peter Filstrom, perhaps this mammoth catastrophe could have been averted.]

Flynn’s momentary absence left an administrative hole in the main office for which Warrick was not able to compensate. At 8:30 A.M., Jennifer Baggerly, the K-3 music teacher arrived at the main office during her prep period with Dan Stephens, a staff representative for the National Educators Association. Principal Jackson had scheduled a disciplinary meeting with Baggerly to discuss her inappropriate use of sick days for personal leave. Since Baggerly had received previous coaching on the subject, the meeting was intended to progress her discipline to a last chance agreement, thus requiring representation from her union. While Jackson prefers to deal with disciplinary matters in a factual and non-confrontational fashion, Warrick’s management style proved to be substantially less advanced. When Baggerly and Stephens entered the office for their meeting, he was hiding under the desk with chairs set up to enclose himself in a fort. He then told Baggerly that she “smells like cats,” and refused to come out from under the desk. When told that the purpose of the meeting was to discuss Baggerly’s use of sick leave, he said “grandma’s sick and she smells like cats too.” At that point, an exasperated Stephens requested that the meeting be rescheduled and left the office, adding another catastrophe to Warrick's short resume.

The next two hours were quiet, as Flynn managed the office affairs while Warrick figured out how to log onto Jackson’s computer and distracted himself by watching videos of people playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on YouTube. The peacefulness was disturbed when beloved lunchroom supervisor Dorothy Tabin entered the office to check in for her shift. When Warrick saw Tabin, he ran out from behind his desk and hugged her leg. When she said she needed him to let go because it was unprofessional and she needed to go to the lunchroom, he continued to hold on and squeezed even tighter. Tabin has since contacted an attorney and said that she plans on suing Warrick and the school district for sexual harassment and for creating a work environment in which she feels uncomfortable. When contacted, the school district had no comment on the subject.

In the afternoon, Warrick became angry when he learned that the principal does not get a break for recess. He saw many of his classmates playing kickball on the fields outside the school and told Flynn that he was going to play with them. When Flynn reminded him that his signature was required to approve dozens of expense reports, Warrick became irritated and threw the folder full of reports on the floor, scattering several hours’ worth of receipt collation. It was one of the most petulant administrative acts anyone had seen since the former 6th grade basketball coach, Mr. Harris, kicked over a water cooler after a referee called his star player for traveling.

Finally, Warrick finished the day by failing miserably at a budget committee meeting at the school district’s downtown headquarters. He started by backing Jackson’s car into two separate parked cars in the parking lot, then hit and ran several more vehicles on the 10-minute drive to the headquarters. He eventually arrived without the presentation on Hayes Elementary’s cutbacks proposal that was required for the meeting, which meant that the school’s budget would automatically revert to the control of the city council. Once again, Warrick’s wanton fiscal and administrative irresponsibility resulted in a management nightmare for Hayes Elementary.

As a result of Warrick’s abysmal performance as principal for a day, the school is contemplating altering the rules of the contest going forward. For example, under one proposed rule change, any student who wins the award would have to undergo a 30-minute tutorial on being a principal before assuming total control of the school.

ESPN Announces New 24-Hour Sports Gossip Network

By Wallace Parker

BRISTOL- Executives of the sports network ESPN announced plans this week to launch a new channel dedicated entirely to tabloid journalism and speculative gossip related to the world of sports. The network, a joint venture between ESPN and popular tabloid magazine US Weekly, will be known as eUSpn and will use a silhouette of Brett Favre’s penis for its logo.

“Today is an exciting day for people who sort of like sports, but who really enjoy the pageantry and rumor-mongering that have come to be a staple of sports in the modern era,” George Bodenheimer, president of ESPN told reporters at a news conference. “We came to realize that our core audience would be best served by reporting on gossip that is tangentially related to sports around the clock, because those fans are actually more interested in hearing about Cam Newton’s improper benefits, Albert Haynesworth running laps on the sidelines, Lebron's posse, and David Beckham’s newest pube style than watching actual sports.”

The decision represents a departure for the network, which was originally launched to show sports 24-7. In the early years, ESPN showed live sporting events almost around the clock, breaking occasionally to show highlights from other events. Now, ESPN intermittently breaks from sports-tinged rants by useless talking heads to show heavily-produced clips of sports. The advent of eUSpn will reconcile that tension by focusing all of the gossip on one channel while allowing the flagship network to go back to its original modus operandi: televising World’s Strongest Man and darts marathons.

Early rumors indicate that the network will launch early next year with a special countdown of the most riveting postgame non-handshakes of the last 50 years. With offenders ranging from the Bad Boy Pistons to Jim Schwartz and John Harbaugh, the show is full of enough catfight material to make the bitchiest real housewife shake in her stilettos and reach for the hormone

therapy pills.

[LEFT: Roger Clemens was known as The Rocket on ESPN. On eUSpn, he will be known as The Defendant.]

The network has already started development of several other programs. Postgame Live will be hosted by Bravo’s Andy Cohen and will feature wives and girlfriends of athletes reacting to games that have just been completed and promoting philanthropic ventures that may or may not exist. E! veteran Melissa Rivers has also been brought on to co-star in a red carpet show in which she and Jay Mariotti will criticize whatever athletes wore to recent black tie events. Finally, The Leadership Hour will feature inane blowhard Merrill Hodge yelling about players’ intangibles every night from 7-8 PM EST.

Unconfirmed rumors indicate that the network may also merge some of US Weekly’s content into the on-air realm. One feature that may be in development is an “Athletes: They’re just like us” segment in which sports stars are shown holding kids or taking out garbage. The feature has proven itself invaluable to the magazine because it makes the stars relatable, which makes readers more likely to buy their weight loss supplements and/or bogus energy bracelets. The channel will also show daily clips of athletes on vacation, highlighting those who have killer bods, or perhaps those sporting baby bumps. In all segments, athletes will be referred to by mindless nicknames and uncorroborated rumors will be expressed as highly-suggestive statements with question marks, such as “D-Wade: a new daddy?” One subject that remains unresolved is whether the network will air any footage of actual athletic events. While some say those clips should remain in the territory of ESPN, others think that there are too many great endzone dances, sideline arguments, and dugout Gatorade cooler attacks at stake.

Mr. Bodenheimer went on to say that the change in direction has been a long time coming. He referred to the gravitational shift in American society away from substance and toward relentless gossip-mongering. “We saw the direction of television news as a harbinger for the rest of the entertainment industry. When they stopped talking about policy and replaced all of their anchors with the equivalent of Page 6 columnists, we saw the writing on the wall. That made it clear to us that the future was in Eurotrash tabloid celebrity gossip. That, and the growth of soccer in America.”

ESPN says that the diversification will have the added benefit of growing the brand in a new direction. For instance, the network anticipates that its anchors will become pop culture personalities rather than anonymous talking heads, much like Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Perez Hilton, and Harvey Levin are integral parts of the stories on which they report rather than neutral observers. In its early days, ESPN was praised for cultivating talented on-air personalities, such as Dan Patrick, Charlie Steiner, and Keith Olberman, but has found it difficult to keep up that standard since they stopped hiring talented people. By transitioning the content to inane yammering, they believe they can replicate the success that similarly talentless hosts like Beck have captured on eUSpn.

When asked for comment, out of work NFL star Terrell Owens said, “Thank you Jesus! Where do I sign up?”

Bobby Bowden Back on Top

By Paul LeGrange
TALAHASSEE- As the 2007 college football season closed, it seemed that Bobby Bowden’s reputation as an upstanding coach and citizen was irreparably tarnished. He closed year by leading his Florida State Seminoles to a disappointing loss to a forgettable Kentucky Wildcat team in the regrettable Music City Bowl. The two-time national champion had gone from a paragon of college football glory to a scapegoat for everything that was wrong with amateur athletics- 34 players from that year’s Florida State team were suspended for academic violations and twelve wins over the course of two years were vacated by the school. While Bowden would hang around for another two years and pilot the Seminoles to a pedestrian 9-7 record in the Atlantic Coast Conference, most fans will remember that moment of ignominy as the humiliating final chapter in a college football tragedy.

By 2007, Bowden had lost control of his football team. On the sideline, offensive and defensive coordinators called his plays. On the recruiting trail, assistants promised parents that they would help their boys grow into respectable young men. On campus, players did what they wanted without fear of consequences or any sense of institutional control. What made things worse was that Bowden’s direct contemporary, Joe Paterno, ran a program that put Bowden’s to shame in every facet. Paterno was more successful on the field (5 undefeated seasons to Bowden’s 1), in historical terms (only Paterno has more career wins than Bowden), and by reputation (Paterno’s program avoided the stench of lawlessness that afflicted Bowden’s).

[LEFT- The caricatures of Bowden and Paterno might accentuate different flaws than they did 10 years ago.]

On that fateful day at the end of 2007, it was difficult to imagine any sequence of events that could make people remember Bobby Bowden as a better football coach and a better man than Joe Paterno.

But, as they say, that’s why they play the games. The recent revelation that Joe Paterno withheld information that his top assistant was sexually assaulting boys in the team’s locker room has redirected any animosity that stuck with Bowden. The role reversal is one of the greatest upsets in the history of modern sports, easily as implausible as Team USA beating the Soviets at Lake Placid or Muhammad Ali outliving Joe Frazier. Indeed, it is almost as if someone brainstormed ways to make Paterno look like a bigger creep than Bowden, came up with “child molestation” and “genocide,” then decided that genocide would be too complicated.

Since Paterno technically did not break any NCAA rules, he remains ahead of Bowden on the list of career coaching victories. But anyone who cracks open the record book will immediately look farther down the page, doing the same calculation that everyone subconsciously does when they are reminded that Barry Bonds hit more home runs than Hank Aaron. In fact, Paterno and Bowden are less like Barry Bonds and more like Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. In both cases, success blinded (maybe willfully blinded) fans to the reality that the game was rigged in favor of those who engaged in an extra-legal, competitive arms race. Also, while Bowden and McGwire faced the most criticism initially, a longer view revealed their foils to be even more heinous manipulators.

It has been said that Paterno covered up his friend and assistant’s sexual assault in order to protect the Penn State “brand.” In that regard, his decision may have optimized social utility, but that reality illustrates the horrible perversion that “amateur athletics” has become. Paterno functionally controlled Penn State football, which functionally controlled Penn State University, which functionally controlled all of State College, PA and the surrounding area. As Penn State football goes, so goes the entire region. Paterno became single-handedly responsible for the vitality of tens of thousands of people in a way not seen since Al Capone’s Outfit controlled Chicago. Years ago, Paterno’s influence and power earned him the nickname “The Pope of Western PA.” The moniker faded away as the Catholic Church’s reputation waned, but it has proven to be far more appropriate than anyone would have ever hoped. When Paterno was first notified of Jerry Sandusky’s child molestation, the team was in transition and trying to bring itself and the region back to prominence. We can infer that Paterno made the determination that going public with Sandusky’s crimes would cripple the program, possibly cost him his job, and stand in the way of returning Penn State to greatness. In a contorted, perverse way, the region might have gained more units of happiness from the Nittany Lions’ 2006 Orange Bowl than the abused boys lost, but our society does not practice human sacrifice because it uses the same horrible logic. When one person, fueled by his own ego and self-preservation instincts, makes these decisions, we end up with undemocratic atrocities like this one. Paterno was no philosopher-king, either. He was just a man who won games in a sport that people like so much that it generates $63 million every year in a no

n-urban community.

[RIGHT- You're next, Nick Saban.]

When people die, it is customary to forget their transgressions and highlight the best of what they did. George Steinbrenner’s death brought about the euphemism “fiery competitor” to stand in for more accurate descriptions, like “amoral crook,” “pathological egomaniac,” or “heartless bastard.” To twist a common saying, time plus death heels all reputational wounds. At 83, Paterno may not have much time to repair his reputation. He can’t grovel with some starry-eyed athletic director to take over a fledging, low-level football team because he hasn’t really been a football coach for at least ten years. It’s hard to imagine the San Jose States and Western Kentuckys of the world hiring a feeble octogenarian to sit in the press box and let his assistants run the football team. So too is it hard to imagine that if Paterno dies in the next five years anyone will remember much about him other than the fact that he knew his fried was raping little boys and he did not stop him. Still, perception and reputation are not static. As hard as it is to imagine any positive memories of Joe Paterno, stranger things have happened. Just ask college coaching icon Bobby Bowden.

Herman Cain and the Sexual Harassment Boom

By Howard Templeton

IOWA CITY- Republican Presidential hopeful Herman Cain faced allegations of several incidents of sexual harassment over the last week, spiking support for the candidate in the weeks leading up to the Iowa straw poll. The allegations stem from the time Mr. Cain spent as the head of the National Restaurant Alliance and relate to inappropriate comments, unwanted sexual advances on female coworkers, and other behaviors that make him look even more presidential in the eyes of his supporters.

Pollsters noted that Cain latched onto a central tent of his ideology- persistent denigration of women- to galvanize his political base at a time when much of the Republican Party felt like there was no stand-out candidate in the field. “Mr. Cain seized a golden opportunity by allowing these allegations to surface at a time when so many of his opponents seem to be stuck in the mud,” said Felix Prosser of Gallup. “While some people across the country see sexual harassment as immoral, illegal, and indicative of bad character, the GOP has consistently responded positively to a man who can take charge and refuses to take no for an answer.”

Mr. Prosser went on to note that whatever damage the allegations have done to Mr. Cain among the group of voters characterized as “women who do not like having their asses slapped” is more than made up for by huge gains among “bitches just trying to get attention,” and “broads who were asking for it.” Additionally, when asked who they would support in a head-to-head matchup between Mr. Cain getting blown under a desk and Mr. Cain not getting blown under a desk, 87.5% of registered Republican voters opted for the former.

[LEFT- A young Herman Cain, or shall I say, Leon Phelps. NOT PICTURED: His bottle of Courvoisier.]

For his part, Mr. Cain claims to have learned his lesson from recent events on the campaign trail. “My grandmamma told me when I was a youngin to stick to what I know,” Mr. Cain told reporters gathered outside his campaign bus yesterday. “Now maybe I was out of line to bet talking about this 9-9-9 tax mumbo jumbo, so I’m going to leave the taxes to the accountants with all their calculators and pocket protectors. But there are three things I know, and they’re pizza, being president, and slappin’ asses. I’ve already done two of those things, now who’s gonna help me do the third?”

Critics across the aisle have pointed out that there is a touch of hypocrisy in the Republican enthusiasm for sexual harassment barely a decade after President Clinton was impeached for lying about his own White House affair. Republican strategists, however, point out that they were in favor of President Clinton’s dalliances all along, but were frustrated that they were not the party that would forever be remembered for getting Oval Office head. They also believed that Clinton showed very non-presidential pussy-whippedness by trying to cover up his affair, something that Republicans never do.

For all of Mr. Cain’s supporters, there are also many Republicans who feel that the sexual harassment allegations would have benefitted other candidates more. For instance, allegations of sexual harassment against Mitt Romney would have allayed public fears that he is too Mormon, and would have shown that he is not nearly as much of a sissy as he often appears on the campaign trail. Michelle Bachman, at a campaign stop this week in Des Moines, answered the allegations against Mr. Cain by calling him a bandwagon harasser. “Mr. Cain thinks he can win over voters by trotting out women who he hit on years ago, but he is late to the game. I have been making unwanted sexual advances to my husband, Marcus Bachman, since before we were even married!”

Dark horse candidate Ron Paul also chipped in that he, “killed several women on welfare in the ‘80s, because I just don’t think it’s the government’s role to be paying for these expensive entitlements.”

“Kim Kardashian" Files for “Divorce” from Kris Humphries

By Jesse Sturtevant

HOLLYWOOD- A wide-eyed America stood in shocked silence this week when it learned that the marriage between basketball star Kris Humphries and television character Kim Kardashian was coming to an end after only 72 days. Just days after Earth’s seven billionth human inhabitant was born, the other 699,999,998 people simultaneously found themselves asking, “Why, Kim, why?”

The courtship between Kardashian and Humprhies began almost exactly a year ago when Kardashian attended a New Jersey Nets basketball game and saw Humphries playing. Careful observers will note, however, that their professional relationship dates back several months before that date when both parties’ publicists, agents, and financial planners held a week-long brainstorming session with the producers of Keeping Up With The Kardashians in Lake Tahoe to plan the story arc for the following season of the show. The brain trust selected Humphries for the role of Kim’s love interest because of his upward social mobility, semi-stardom on a non-marquee team in a major market, and shear gullibility. Producers settled on an NBA player after the success of the E!-NBA joint venture that resulted in Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s wedding. Humphries won out over fellow finalists Jameer Nelson of Orlando (too short), Dallas’s Tyson Chandler (too smart), and Washington’s Javale McGee (too young).
Veteran television and pop culture critics have pointed out that it was important for the writers of the show to grab headlines for the Kardashian character or risk a loss of cultural relevance. Whereas other pop culture icons can transition in and out of the limelight with the ebb and flow of a normal career- a musician going on tour or an athlete starting a new season- a character in a reality television show must incessantly perpetuate its own branding.

[RIGHT- A clearly Photoshopped image of the Kardashian "family" including a crudely pasted courtroom photo of the "father," whose head is conspicuously larger than his body or the other heads.]

“The Kardashian brand has tentacles in more pop culture outlets than any other reality character over the last 10 years,” Deandra Boorad of Radar Online points out. “They worked backwards by starting bawdry with a sex tape and Playboy spread and have worked upwards into fashion, television, and even sports. The writers’ ability to find new and shocking ways to insert those characters into everyday life has been inventive and highly effective.” Boorad went on to contrast the Kardashians with Paris Hilton, who serves as a cautionary tale for reality writers who think their characters can take some time away from the public eye then return as popular as ever.

The Kardashian-Humphries wedding was one of the more successful stunts in reality television history in terms of the programming it created, the attention it generated, and the revenue it grossed for the principals. The television special featuring the lead-up to the “wedding” drew over four million viewers on consecutive nights, making it the third most watched program ever on the E! Network. Furthermore, the “wedding” was underwritten by various corporate sponsors to the tune of $10 million, far exceeding the actual costs. “In an era where fractured television audiences gravitate to highly-specialized content, there is a downward pressure on production costs,” said marketing analyst Don Feran. “What the producers of this show have done is turn the entire program into an elaborate celebrity endorsement type of advertisement, but where they invent celebrities instead of paying them. The fact that they can fill time slots with this strategy is an incredible manifestation of capitalism-as-art, and the fact that people actually watch it is an even more astounding accomplishment.”

The next move for the Kardashian producers will likely be to translate the internet buzz surrounding the divorce into television programming. First, they will almost certainly bring the Humphries character back for a few episodes to try to “work things out,” which will include seeing a marriage counselor, whose company’s name will be prominently and frequently displayed on screen. From there, viewers may see an attempt at reconciliation through a vacation to a famous resort in the Caribbean or a hotel in Las Vegas. It is also possible that prominent LA divorce lawyers will try to horn in on the self-promotion by paying the family to take the case while appearing on the show.

While the show producers have certainly put themselves in a position to make a great deal of money, it has not come without some hiccups along the way. For example, some observers were questioning the Kardashian-Humphries relationship from the beginning since the story that she met him at a New Jersey Nets game implies that she visited Newark and attended a Nets game, which is not a particularly believable story. Additionally, the couple reportedly honeymooned in Eastasia, the fictional “other country” from George Orwell’s 1984, which is particularly thick doublespeak, even for a show that specializes in insulting its viewers’ intelligence. Nonetheless, the show will proceed unscathed.

For those unfamiliar with the Kardashian backstory, “Kim Kardashian” is a fictional character created in the mid-‘00s by Ryan Seacrest and a team of writers. She is posited as the child of the late Los Angeles area attorney Robert Kardashian, who was part of O.J. Simpson’s defense team. Seacrest has been quoted as saying that when he heard the name “Robert Kardashian,” he first envisioned him as a patriarch of a family modeled as a latter-day Brady Bunch with more sex appeal, and immediately started casting for the reality show. Unlike traditional television, the show presents itself in a “day in the life” fashion, so the actors and actresses must stay in character at all times. As a result, the events of the show are not confined to what happens on television. Seacrest’s team is credited with the masterstroke of introducing the “Kardashian” characters to the world before the debut of the show, first through Kim’s sex tape with R&B singer Ray J (also an actor playing the “Ray J” character on several TV shows). The producers cast former Olympian Bruce Jenner to improve the show’s name recognition and to help teach the other actors how to seamlessly pitch products, but have marginalized him as he has not fit into the larger plot of the show. The programming has been a huge success, generating several spinoffs, convincing people that it is real, and becoming one of cable television’s most watched shows.

Saddam Hussein’s Other Private Thoughts

By Tony Lombardi

WASHINGTON- The National Defense University released documents this week that were seized from Iraq in 2003. The documents are comprised of personal accounts and private recollections made by Saddam Hussein between the mid-‘80s and late ‘90s. Among the most striking revelations is the fact that Saddam long believed that the United States sought to depose him and overtake his country, but what other private thoughts revealed in the documents?

• While America is and always will be the Great Satan, Margaret Thatcher is a Pretty Damn Good Satan in her own right.

• No matter how many times he tried, he could never get into Seinfeld. The humor was too much of the whiny Jewish New Yorker style for him. And don’t get him started on Mad About You. But The Nanny, now that was a great television program. He would put Fran Drescher up against any comedienne from her era.

• Tried endlessly to bring Golden Corral to Iraq.

• Favorite actor was Tom Selleck who he first saw in Mr. Baseball. Credits Mr. Selleck as t

he inspiration for his facial hair.

[RIGHT- Saddam explains in great detail how he realized that VHS would win out over Betamax.]

• He acknowledge that his son Uday was going through a difficult phase when he caned failed Olympic athletes, kidnapped and raped women off the streets, spent millions of dollars on fine wines, liquor, and heroin, purchased approximately 1,200 luxury vehicles, ran an illegal façade corporation to trade with Iran, and plotted to assassinate the leader of Congress, but he didn’t want to come down too hard on his son for risk of alienating him from the family. After all, nothing helps a child get through a tough time like the support of his family.

• Thought Fran Drescher was really, really funny.

• Had an Atari, but lost interest in Space Invaders when he realized it was much more fun to go outside and blow up real things.

• Always wondered why there wasn’t an Iraqi version of Yakov Smirnoff. Thought that it would be hilarious if he said, “In Ba’athist Iraq, you have hump on camel!”

• Thought Crystal Pepsi tasted fine.

• Figured that if there was ever an Iraqi Miami vice, he would be more of a Tubbs type, believe it or not.

• Secretly had his father in law killed after repeatedly warning him to stop saying “Where’s the Beef?” then laughing hysterically each night at dinner.

[LEFT- Saddam tries his hand at Iraq's lucrative nightclub hosting scene.]

• If he hadn’t become a dictator, could have seen himself getting into computer programming, or maybe graphic design, or something along those lines.

• Regretted being a teenager before the advent of internet porn.

• Looked into feasibility of having Fran Drescher abducted and brought to Iraq as personal sex slave. Was talked out of it by CBS executives.

Letters from the Front Lines of the Wall Street Occupation

[RIGHT: J. Henry Bitterman served proudly in the Wall Street Army, 3rd Analytics Division in the Wall Street Occupation of 2011. This is a letter he wrote to his wife in Long Island, preserved for posterity.]

Dearest Stacy,

It has been almost three weeks since the occupation began and I am starting to finally understand what that man meant when he said that war is hell. Before continuing this letter, you may want to play some sad violin music to set the mood.

These occupiers are ruthless indeed. You would not believe some of the things that have happened here. I wouldn’t believe them either if I had not been cursed to see them with my own two eyes. Some of the filthy hippie colonialists were sitting on the hood of a brand new BMW X5. I am quite certain they cracked a window, and the dents to the hood may never be

completely straightened out. I thought these people were supposed to care about the environment, and they desecrate such a beautiful hybrid car? The difference between man and animal is that man is supposed to live by principles, yet these imperialistic boors clearly haven’t any principles. They are truly more beast than man.

Rations are growing scarce and I can feel the hunger pains starting to set in deep in my belly. Just yesterday, my favorite delicatessen in the office food court ran out of
pastrami, and I had to switch to corned beef. If that was not tragic enough, the pickles have been in vinegar too long and have become too briny. Too briny! Some have had to resort to even more extreme measures. The Sbarro ran out of cheese, so those who wanted pizza had to risk life and limb by walking next door to a place that sells pizza by the slice. I may never find out how many of those brave souls returned from that fateful journey, but those craven beasts likely tore them apart for sport. If this trend continues, I fear I may have to resort to cannibalism to survive. Either that, or I shall have to eat the gluten-free baked goods from the coffee shop. I know not which choice I fear more.

Perhaps the worst part of this occupation is that I frequently wonder for what it is we’re fighting. Some of the finance executives met today to devise plans for a counter-attack against our occupiers. They think that if we go down to the street and offer the leaders clean suits, a shower, and a nice job like in Trading Places, the protests will eventually die down. I hope against hope that we do not have to resort to such barbarism. Most of them never even went to college, and even if they did, they certainly were not in our supper clubs. The executives also said that if that approach does not work, they make resort to gorilla tactics. Yes, I meant gorilla tactics, not guerilla- they are going to ship in a dozen silverback gorillas and let them run wild through the protests. Apparently, they got the idea from Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Fire with fire and whatnot.

I wish this could all just end peacefully. My enduring hope is that I can one day walk out the front door of this office and across the street to my parking garage without my freshly-shined shoes being scuffed or my Italian suit being sullied with the stench of protest B.O. Even if I made it across the street, those scoundrels would assuredly vandalize my Audi as I left the garage. What kind of world have we created?

Oh Stacy! I long to sit with you on the sand outside our Hamptons summer home, in our opulent beach chairs with built-in canopies to shield our fair skin from the brutal elements! I miss you so- I picture your eyes glistening like the gorgeous pearl earrings that my grandmother passed down to you as a small part of our wedding gift. When I close my eyes, I can hear the dulcet tones of your voice, calling our Guatemalan servant to refill your coffee or to bring you some more mango slices. If there is a God, he will end this occupation have me home to you before we have missed crabbing season altogether! Sometimes I think I never should have taken this job and we should have just lived off of our trusts funds, playing polo and sailing, but I knew the risks when I got involved, and now I must returned to defend our beloved Wall Street.


With All of My Love,

J. Henry Bitterman

P.S. Please remind the landscapers to water the lawn three times this week instead of two. I don’t want the grass to start turning brown early again this year. If they forget, I will fire their asses.

Notes on the Republican Nomination Campaign

By Liz Elizabeth, former VP of Programming for the CW Network

With the first few weeks of the 2011 fall TV season in the books, it has become obvious that the Republican Presidential Nomination Campaign is the season’s biggest smash hit. Like American Idol and Who Wants to be a Millionaire before it, the GOP Campaign has seamlessly blended the drama of a high stakes contest with the emotional levity of real life. Already this year, we have seen the passionate crowds boo a gay soldier and cheer executions. The storylines are so intense, it’s like Days of Our Lives on steroids! No wait, that’s pro wrestling, but this has been almost as good.

No matter how fast it comes out of the gate, every show has to adapt to keep viewers interested. If the writers keep trotting out the same old storylines about social security and health insurance, the public will be sure to switch back to The Real Housewives faster than you can say “Town Hall Style Debate.” With that in mind, I have a few notes for the GOP Primary producers.

Immunity Challenges

My first suggestion is a tried and true moneymaker in reality shows like this one- the immunity challenge. Ever since Survivor grabbed the game show conch more than a decade ago, the immunity challenge has been a staple of elimination-based programming. The beauty of immunity challenges is that they can change from week to week to keep from becoming predictable. Maybe one week, all of the Republican Presidential candidates will have to stand one-footed on a small platform above a pit full of snakes and bugs. Or maybe the candidates will have to kayak across a lake, only to discover a 100-foot rope ladder on the other side that they have to climb to capture the immunity idol. You'll have to tune in to find out! You never know what kind of task they’ll have to compete, but you know you’ll be getting their best effort, because the loser automatically makes it through the next state’s primary. Move over TNT- it looks like the GOP knows drama!

[RIGHT- The Black Eyed Peas will be performing as musical guests at the next Republican Presidential Debate, as well as 14 other new fall TV shows.]

Lifelines
Even though everyone laughs at the occasional high profile gaffe, America is still a country that likes a winner. We want to get behind a capable leader and cheer for him or her as they ascend to the top. With that in mind, if we insist on grilling the candidates on such arcane subjects as foreign policyand history, it might make sense to give them better odds at getting things right. For example, everyone turned on Sarah Palin in the last election because she couldn’t name a Supreme Court decision other than Roe v. Wade. It would have made better TV if Katie Couric had asked her which of the following was a Supreme Court case: (a) Kramer v. Kramer, (b) Man v. Food, (c) Plessy v. Ferguson, or (d) Versus Sports Network. If she still wasn’t sure, she could have polled the audience, or asked for the always pithy advice of Whoopi Goldberg in the center square. The way I see it, that format kills three birds with one stone: it gets the audience rooting for the candidate to increase emotional investment, it keeps the interview focused and on point, and it eliminates the silly gotcha question that only serves to give Michael Moore material for his next socialist propaganda rag (that’s why I like to call him the lefty Leni Reifenstahl). In other words, it’s a win win win. Or maybe a win win win win. I lost count.

Love Triangle
While the Sarah Palin-Glenn Rice intrigue might be enough sexual tension to pique the interest of that tiny minority of the party that approves of interracial relationships, it wouldn’t hurt to spice up the rest of the campaign. Now I’m not suggesting that they re-write the central plot of the campaign- the program will sink or swim on the strength of the Romney-Perry story no matter what-, but the Ron Paul Revolution is lagging as a C story arc. If it came out that he and Jon Huntsman had gone around the block with Michelle Bachman in the swingin’ 80s, everything would get a little bit zestier. Instead of reaching for the remote the next time he starts droning about the flat tax, the public can look forward to the sexually-motivated digs between the three of them. Maybe Bachman can tell Paul that he doesn’t “measure up” as a candidate. Maybe that’s a little too on the nose, but I’m not a writer. I’m just spitballing here.

Before I wrap things up, I should point out that I’m not a "political expert" per se. Still, if the Republicans want to keep their ratings up and get renewed for next year, they could do a lot worse than talking to me. After all, I’m the one who greenlighted phenomena like In Harm’s Way and Easy Money for the CW Network, so I think I know a thing or two about edgy, reality-based programming. By following this simple formula, the Republicans can accomplish the time-tested goal of being exactly like everything else that is on TV.

That, or they could just start talking about half of them are mormons.

STFU Hippie, Vol. 2: Anti-Bullying Campaigns

In the era of Bieber Fever and the tween controlled media, every major national organization has somehow simultaneously decided that our nation’s greatest civil rights cause is bullying. Organizations ranging from the American Bar Association to the WWE Universe have set up their own anti-bullying campaigns with the goal of, well, stopping bullying, I suppose. Every time I hear about an anti-bullying campaign, I ponder two very practical questions that I have not been able to answer: first, what exactly are these campaigns trying to eliminate? Second, is the stuff they oppose really a net-loss for society, or are adults so conflict averse that they would rather spend billions of dollars on these campaigns than tell kids that big chunks of life suck and they are going to have to deal with it? Wow, that was a run-on question. I’m proud that I remembered to put a question-mark at the end.

To answer my first question, I decided to consult the experts. I figured that StopBullying.gov would lay out what behavior they wanted to stop. When I click on “What is Bullying?” they tell me that “Bullying can happen anywhere: face-to-face, by text messages or on the web. It is not limited by age, gender, or education level. It is not a phase and it is not a joke. Bullying can cause lasting harm.” Hmm, that doesn’t answer my question. Those are places that bullying can happen and some characteristics that are not part of bullying. I’ll try clicking through to see if they’re a little more specific… “Bullying is a widespread and serious problem that can happen anywhere. It is not a phase children have to go through, it is not "just messing around", and it is not something to grow out of.” Once again, not particularly helpful, though I’ll be sure to remember not to grow out of it.

[RIGHT: Don't worry, little girl, it builds character.]

A-Ha! Dow the page, they tell me that bullying includes name-calling, spreading rumors, leaving people out, and various types of physical force. Wait a minute, that’s not a national epidemic, that’s any 10-minute segment of Fox News. Seriously, short of physical assault- which is illegal on its own- all of these things happen to everyone. All of the time. If you cannot deal with someone teasing you or spreading rumors that involve you, then you are woefully ill-equipped to deal with the stresses of everyday life and failure in general. If you are intrinsically unable to brush off insults, then you have deeper psychological self-esteem issues than David Schwimmer is going to solve in a 15-second “The More You Know” PSA.

I have a sneaking suspicion that everyone behind the anti-bullying campaigns knows that the people who are deeply affected by teasing or name-calling need much more help than they can give, so why waste all of that money on what amounts to a band-aide on a gaping chest wound? I think part of the explanation is that it’s such an amorphous PR campaign that it could never piss anyone off. So many people are constantly looking for a cause or something to be irate about that you can only really oppose something that can’t be pinned down. “Bullying” sounds like a real thing, but saying “hey, don’t bully anyone” is about as heroic as saying that you don’t like things that are evil. Instead, most bullying is a rite of passage that teaches you to laugh at yourself. Somebody steals your lunch money, gives you a wedgie, or calls you a pussy, and you feel embarrassed at first, but learn that life goes on.

Plus, think of all of the great achievements that are inspired by people trying to prove their bullies wrong. Martin Luther was bullied by the Catholic Church so he invented a little thing called Protestantism. Everyone made fun of Columbus for saying that the Earth was round. Imagine if he hadn’t been inspired by those bullies- we’d all be stuck in Europe watching soccer. Probably the best example of a great achievement inspired by bullying is when Daniel Larusso won the All-Valley Karate Tournament as retribution against the bullies from the Cobra Kai. Every hero needs a great foil to reach his fullest potential: Ali needed Frazier, Superman needed General Zod, and Larusso needed Zabka.

What’s getting lost in all of this is the real victims in all of the anti-bullying nonsense: the bullies. Imagine how badly the bullies’ feelings must be hurt by all of those anti-bullying bullies hurting the bullies’ feelings for hurting people’s feelings. Before you know it, we’re going to have to have an anti-anti-bullying campaign bully campaign, then another campaign about that campaign, and on to infinity like those Russian nesting dolls. Before this situation gets out of hand, I think we need to nip the anti-bullying campaigns in the bud and tell those hippies to shut the fuck up.

Shut the Fuck Up Hippie, Vol. 1: Corn Subsidies

With budget cuts a hot topic these days, I hear a lot of liberals complaining about the federal government’s farm subsidies, particularly subsidies given to corn farmers to make biofuels like ethanol. They say that farm subsidies function as a form of welfare for an extremely wealthy segment of the population, and that if we’re going to invest federal money in alternative energy sources, it should be something more efficient and progressive than ethanol. I get it. I see where you’re coming from, and I’ll admit that your premise kind of makes sense. On the other hand, why do you want to mess with farmers?

Seriously, is there any group of people who cause fewer problems than farmers? When was the last time you read a story about a robbery or an assault that ended with, “police are seeking a farmer for questioning,” or “the victim described the suspect as a farmer of average height wearing a black hoodie?” Farmers also pay a ton of money in taxes. When things are good, they can make millions. When things are bad, the government pays them enough so it evens out. Yeah, that’s not particularly efficient, but if farmers never cause any problems, isit such a bad thing to reward them for it?

[RIGHT- This guy has the idea, saving the environment, one drag race at a time.]

Nothing costs the government more than healthcare, and farmers don’t cost the government a dime in healthcare expenditures. In fact, farmers don’t even get medical attention when they actually need it. A farmer is likely to cut off his finger in a tractor in the morning, then put it on ice until he has time to deal with it at the end of the day. Even then, instead of going to the emergency room, he’ll just lash it back on with some twine and duct tape, and never complain about it. It is not worth messing with these people; it will not end well.

Plus, it’s not like farmers are selfishly hoarding all of the country’s resources and not giving anything back. I would be willing to bet that farmers serve in the military at a higher rate than any other portion of the population. Think about it, every time you’ve ever talked to someone who was in a war, or seen a war documentary on TV, they have started every war story with “a guy I served next to in the trenches was just a regular old farm boy from Mississippi.” Or Iowa. Or Missouri. But not California because all they grow there is bottles of wine to drink at their nipple-rubbing parties. Think about that. Everyone who has ever been to war served next to somebody from a farm. How many people do you know who are farmers? Unless you are reading this on a dial-up connection, you can probably count the number on your limbs, which means less than five, unless you are deformed. Say you know 400 people. That means about one out of every 100 people you know is a farmer. But if you’re in the army, one out of every TWO people you know is a farmer! And maybe the guys on both sides were farmers! Do the math people: farmers are 50 times more likely to serve in the military. Giving them subsidies is a small price to pay for that patriotic allegiance.

Penn Jillete was complaining about corn subsidies. That obese fucker needs to shut his gaping asshole of a mouth before another piece of shit squirts out. His mouth needs to clamp shut as a last minute intervention to save his heart from another Orville Redenbacher butter lover’s blitzkrieg or to prevent him from embarrassing himself by reminding us that magicians don’t get to have opinions. I don’t care. Either way. As long as he’s as silent as his mute boyfriend Teller, it’s really six of one and a half dozen of the other.

Maybe the worst part about the people who complain about biofuels is that they think they have to live the lifestyle and they buy a Vespa. Now every time I’m stopped at a traffic light, some bitch on a pink moped with a matching pastel helmet is four inches from my bumper and I can’t pick my nose because she could reach out and slap my hand away since she’s so close to my car. What are you trying to prove on that piece of trash vehicle? You top out at about 30 MPH, which means you can never go more than eight blocks from home, so good luck living your cosmopolitan lifestyle when you’re trapped in one square mile. And I don’t care if you get 435 kilometers to the litre, which you say to show everyone that you like soccer and crepes. You can also get pretty good mileage by walking, but that’s also slow and inconvenient, so we invented cars. Stop trying to drag me back in time.

I am not trying to say that ethanol is a cure-all for energy problems. I’m not even saying it’s a good thing, but it’s not worth fighting about. Think of it this way: imagine that there are three friends together at a bar. One is an alcoholic prone to drunken rampages, one is a straight-edge ninny, and the other one is a normal guy. The lush is trying to get everyone to do tequila shots with him at 7 PM, and the normal guy sees the writing on the wall and tries to convince him to stick to beer for the night. Everything is going great until the ninny starts rattling off stupid stats like, “you know, 70% of all DUIs come from people who had only been drinking beer.” Now the drunk guy is getting a look in his eye because he thinks he’s going to get to start drinking tequila again. The normal guy sees the problem emerging and nudges the ninny saying something like “can you shut up for a minute? I’m trying to keep him from getting incredibly wasted and starting a fight!” But now it’s too late and the guy has a double shot of Patron in his gut and he’s yelling at some Puerto Rican guys to go back to Mexico, all because the whiny guy couldn’t keep his damn mouth shut. That is like our situation with ethanol. No, it’s not perfect, and it could still get our friend the gas guzzler incredibly fucked up, but it’s better than what we have now, and maybe it can get us moving in the right direction. So for that, I say Shut the Fuck Up, Hippie.

NBA Star Kris Humphries Weds Sex Robot in Lavish Ceremony

By Tamela Esposito

HOLLYWOOD- The glitterati were out in Los Angeles this weekend to witness the historic and luxurious wedding of reality TV’s favorite couple: New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries and the government-funded, semi-sentient sex robot known commonly as “Kim Kardashian.” Over 400 guests attended KimBot’s ceremony and reception, which included performances by Earth, Wind, and Fire and popular robo-crooner Robin Thicke.

It came as a slight surprise to many to learn that the reality starlet was not actually human, but a complex robotic device designed to optimize male arousal. On the other hand, KimBot’s fans have long been wary of the fact that she never displays anything resembling a human emotion. Furthermore, her communication takes place mostly through Twitter, which gives her intricate central processor time to parse the complicated nuance of human language before responding.

Years after KimBot came into the public eye, many wondered why the federal government chose this time to marry it off and reveal to the public that it is not human. Some speculate that it was a calculated effort by the Obama administration to pressure the state of California to reform its marriage laws. Under that logic, the government would have to fear the public backlash against vacating the marriage license more than the outcry over violating the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman, which is probably an accurate reading of public sentiment. Others have said that the government chose to allow KimBot to marry at the behest of the newly-formed debt committee who saw how many tens of millions of dollars could be brought in
through sponsorships and decided it was probably time for politicians to stop passing KimBot around Washington like this generation’s Marilyn Monroe. Still others believe that

President Obama engineered the union as a way to get closer to Humphries and fulfill his lifelong dream of hanging out with NBA players.

[LEFT: An earlier and less convincing prototype of the robobride.]

Details about the development of KimBot have also come to light as part of the governmen

t’s revelation. Project Kardashian began as a top secret Cold War espionage experiment in which the CIA sought to develop a robot spy that could seduce Soviet leaders and gain their confidence with no risk of defection. When the Cold War ended before the project had matured to completion, the fleet of sex bots (including the beta version with code name “Kourtney”) were stashed in southern California to undergo further testing without their appearance becoming conspicuous. When the sex bots reached maturity, they became so dangerous that the government had to put someone in charge who had the physical and mental prowess needed to keep them from exploiting their powers for evil. For that task, the CIA tracked down Olympic hero and American icon Bruce Jenner, who has served as their overseer ever since.

Years later, KimBot found her way into the tabloid pages for befriending once-famous socialite Paris Hilton (shockingly not a robot) and appearing in a sex tape with R&B star Ray J. The sex tape was actually part of another series of government experiments to determine whether the sex bots were equipped to handle the rigors of being used to spy on African-American politicians, if necessary. When the tapes were accidentally leaked, the government had to buy off Ray J by guaranteeing him a VH1 reality show for the rest of his life.

[RIGHT- OK magazine begs the question: can robots dream?]

KimBot’s powers have also been seen in professional sports, as many of its mates have achieved great athletic success when dating it. Reggie Bush won a Super Bowl with KimBot in the stands, and Miles Austin and Kris Humphries had breakout seasons while dating it, all because KimBot emits a testosterone-laden pheromone to induce attraction that serves a dual purpose as a performance enhancing drug. KimBot has tended to date athletes because they are the only segment of the population vacuous and self-centered enough not to notice that their partner is not human.

KimBot’s “sister” Kourtney is an earlier model of Project Kardashian that was not as highly developed, while Khloe is not actually a sex robot. Khloe, though, was also the product of a government experiment- one where a hybrid of a hyena and a horse went horribly wrong- and the feds had no better place to keep her without frightening children.

Politicians seek to improve economy as fundraising season looms

By Francis LaViolette

GREENWICH- Politicians nationwide have started to express apprehension about the upcoming fundraising season as the nation’s economy continues to sputter. Fundraisers attribute the uneasy feeling to both the fear of the unknown and the harsh realization that the halcyon days of advertising bombardment may be a thing of the distant past.

Politicians running for office in 2012 have noticed a steady decline in the number and amount of donations coming from all sources. Private donors, who usually account for a large percentage of small donations, are less numerous than in the past. Perhaps more troublesome is the fact that corporate donors- historically a reliable bell cow for campaign spending- have expressed uncertainty about the economic and political climate. As a result, many large companies are holding onto cash, which is resulting in what economists call a “supply gap” in the political fundraising market.

[LEFT- Politicians are reaching out to all types of potential donors to fill in the gaps.]

Market analysts point out that potential election donors are worried about their potential return on investment in the political system. In the past, campaign donations have reliably yielded a steady 6% yearly return over the subsequent election cycle, occasionally spiking into double figures through targeted tax breaks, industry deregulation, and old-fashioned kickbacks. Today, despite low interest rates, election investors are worried that decades of political largesse may have created a grease money bubble where donors have over-leveraged themselves. They worry that political resources may be tapped: that tax rates and corporate welfare cannot get any more favorable without destroying the market altogether. Furthermore, partisan bickering- once seen as a necessary façade to make the process appear legitimate- has become an unwanted nuisance that gets between corporations and their government entitlements.

The candidates, for their part, are doing everything in their power to create a donation-friendly climate. For instance, many Congressmen who initially opposed health care reform are now pushing to implement requirements that all Americans purchase health insurance before the end of the year. Pundits have noted that those pushing for expedition are located in districts heavily populated by the insurance industry and could be chasing down donations from insurance companies who will be flush with donation cash from all of the new business guaranteed by the legislation.

With such a divisive election sure to come, everyone understands that it is important to get a head start in political fundraising. Without a substantial war chest, it would be impossible for a candidate to run a thorough negative campaign against his or her adversary. A good smear campaign requires calculated leaks to the media, suggestive TV and radio ads with enough double meaning potential to maintain some plausible deniability, and outright slander from political action committee hacks. If a candidate is not able to start the negative campaign process soon, there may not be enough time to complete the full arc of attacks, which may leave voters with an incomplete hatred of one candidate or another when going to the polls. The potential for disaster is especially large in an election year that includes so many fringe candidates. Imagine, for example, if voters are still hearing messages about Michelle Bachman’s husband being secretly gay during the general election. That message might play to the Republican base, but independent voters would be much more likely to turn against her for general incompetence or whatever corruption scandal her opponents fabricate between now and the election.

Donations have been so hard to come by that some politicians have had to find creative ways to line their coffers leading up to the election. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney recently found himself in hot water for receiving $1 million from an untraceable and non-existent corporation. Romney blamed the incongruity on the bad economic conditions saying, “I would have never had to make up this imaginary shady donor if my regular, actual shady donors had enough cash to bankroll my dead end campaign.” Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) has been able to keep his head above water by soliciting lump-sum donations from his state’s powerful coal lobby. It is not yet known whether the “lump of coal” payment is an actual donation or an ironic mockery of his performance in office.

Perhaps the hardest hit by the fundraising shortfall has been the Tea Party, whose candidates have been consistently flabbergasted by their constituency’s irrational insistence that they stay within their modest election budgets. Their democratic counterparts, conversely, have continued to spend lavishly in hopes that the election will pay for itself in the long run.

America: ‘Not interested in debt ceiling debate’

AMERICA- The United States chimed in yesterday with its opinion on the ongoing debt ceiling debate by telling Congress that it does not care and would prefer if they came up with something else to talk about. America acknowledged that there is probably some complicated reason for why the debt ceiling matters, but that it is not nearly interested enough to find out what that reason might be. The Nation added that it enjoyed the Casey Anthony trial and it would like, “something along those lines, but preferably involving celebrities” to take the debt ceiling’s place on the front page.

House Speaker John Boehner has expressed a similar lack of interest in the debt ceiling talks. “I have to admit that I have not followed the developments all that closely,” Boehner told reporters last week. “I understand that it’s supposed to be bad for the economy of we don’t raise the debt ceiling, but if we spend more… we’re supposed to get more money… and we’re actually not saving money… Whatever. Hey, did you see that the Indians are only a game out of first?” the Ohio Republican opined at his weekly press conference.

President Obama has also expressed his doubts about the debt ceiling discussions. At a press conference last week, a haggard Obama appeared sitting on the front steps of the White House, smoking a cigarette and without a tie. He said that, “the other day, I was waiting for an elevator. When it got to my floor, I gestured for the older lady standing next to me to go first, but she just smiled and gestured for me to go first. I knew that I would feel bad walking in front of her, so I smiled and told her that I insist. She gestured again, and I started to get frustrated because I saw that there was no good outcome. I couldn’t help but think that we have reached the same point in our government: two parties probably meaning to do good, but with so little understanding of one another that we’re just going to stand there and stare at one another until we are all angry and hopeless. I used to think that government could help people. Now I see that we’re not even able to walk onto a goddamned elevator.” The President then pulled a pint of Jameson out of his back pocket and took another swig.

[RIGHT: Boehner bored to tears by debt ceiling talks and most other things.]

The debt ceiling malaise comes amidst a season of failed headline-grabbing stories. Market researchers have argued that the summer has been a perfect storm of non-news that has bored the nation into submission. The NFL and NBA lockouts, for instance, have eliminated one popular opiate of the masses and replaced it with complicated legal jargon about accounting practices and revenue splits instead of muscular dudes smashing each other IN THE FACE. Sex scandals in Europe have not gained traction because they remind America that European women have disgusting hairy armpits. Summer movie blockbusters, usually good for mindless fun, have become so stale and derivative that lukewarm reviews for the crappy Captain America re-make made America briefly consider seeing it before remembering all the money it has wasted on dismal non-Batman superhero movies recently. Even baseball has been a letdown, as it appears that they have finally stopped letting players do fun stuff, like steroids. The intense summer heat has also rendered most Americans, who are morbidly obese, completely unable to move without getting two appendages stuck together.

In a normal year, the summer heat wave that has turned much of the country into a griddle would grab headlines, but analysts point out that there are only so many ways to say “it’s hot” without acknowledging that global warming seems to have happened. Since most newspapers and television stations are owned by companies that also have significant stakes in manufacturing, such an admission is not likely to come soon. As a result, graphic designers are hard at work finding creative images to express the heat, such as cartoon eggs frying on sidewalks and exploding thermometers.

Another reason that the debt ceiling discussions have received such an unfavorable public response is that they have brought back public pariah Harry Reid. The Democratic Senate Majority Leader, widely regarded as one of the most useless public figures in modern society, just had to open his sniveling mouth to give a debt ceiling proposal. The worst part is that Reid seemed to understand that everyone wanted him to stay as far away from the public eye as possible, but as the debate dragged on, he was forced to weigh in with his opinion, to the irate disappointment of millions. “I understand that a man has to work for a living, whether he works on cars, designs software, or presides over the upper chamber of our bi-cameral legislative system,” America said in response to Reid’s reemergence, “Still, whenever he gets back on the scene, it’s like going to a Springsteen concert and hearing the Boss announce that they’re going to do some songs off of Tunnel of Love. I instantly start running for the exit.”

The Nation can take solace in the fact that the debt ceiling dilemma will be resolved by August 2nd, when the ceiling will either be raised, or the nation will default on its debt and face almost-certain economic calamity. Either way, the outcome promises to result in more interesting stories. Newspapers across the nation are already preparing post-default features on whether apocalyptic America will look most like Road Warrior, Children of Man or Escape from New York.

America: ‘Not interested in debt ceiling debate’

AMERICA- The United States chimed in yesterday with its opinion on the ongoing debt ceiling debate by telling Congress that it does not care and would prefer if they came up with something else to talk about. America acknowledged that there is probably some complicated reason for why the debt ceiling matters, but that it is not nearly interested enough to find out what that reason might be. The Nation added that it enjoyed the Casey Anthony trial and it would like, “something along those lines, but preferably involving celebrities” to take the debt ceiling’s place on the front page.

House Speaker John Boehner has expressed a similar lack of interest in the debt ceiling talks. “I have to admit that I have not followed the developments all that closely,” Boehner told reporters last week. “I understand that it’s supposed to be bad for the economy of we don’t raise the debt ceiling, but if we spend more… we’re supposed to get more money… and we’re actually not saving money… Whatever. Hey, did you see that the Indians are only a game out of first?” the Ohio Republican opined at his weekly press conference.

President Obama has also expressed his doubts about the debt ceiling discussions. At a press conference last week, a haggard Obama appeared sitting on the front steps of the White House, smoking a cigarette and without a tie. He said that, “the other day, I was waiting for an elevator. When it got to my floor, I gestured for the older lady standing next to me to go first, but she just smiled and gestured for me to go first. I knew that I would feel bad walking in front of her, so I smiled and told her that I insist. She gestured again, and I started to get frustrated because I saw that there was no good outcome. I couldn’t help but think that we have reached the same point in our government: two parties probably meaning to do good, but with so little understanding of one another that we’re just going to stand there and stare at one another until we are all angry and hopeless. I used to think that government could help people. Now I see that we’re not even able to walk onto a goddamned elevator.” The President then pulled a pint of Jameson out of his back pocket and took another swig.

The debt ceiling malaise comes amidst a season of failed headline-grabbing stories. Market researchers have argued that the summer has been a perfect storm of non-news that has bored the nation into submission. The NFL and NBA lockouts, for instance, have eliminated one popular opiate of the masses and replaced it with complicated legal jargon about accounting practices and revenue splits instead of muscular dudes smashing each other IN THE FACE. Sex scandals in Europe have not gained traction because they remind America that European women have disgusting hairy armpits. Summer movie blockbusters, usually good for mindless fun, have become so stale and derivative that lukewarm reviews for the crappy Captain America re-make made America briefly consider seeing it before remembering all the money it has wasted on dismal non-Batman superhero movies recently. Even baseball has been a letdown, as it appears that they have finally stopped letting players do fun stuff, like steroids. The intense summer heat has also rendered most Americans, who are morbidly obese, completely unable to move without getting two appendages stuck together.

In a normal year, the summer heat wave that has turned much of the country into a griddle would grab headlines, but analysts point out that there are only so many ways to say “it’s hot” without acknowledging that global warming seems to have happened. Since most newspapers and television stations are owned by companies that also have significant stakes in manufacturing, such an admission is not likely to come soon. As a result, graphic designers are hard at work finding creative images to express the heat, such as cartoon eggs frying on sidewalks and exploding thermometers.

Another reason that the debt ceiling discussions have received such an unfavorable public response is that they have brought back public pariah Harry Reid. The Democratic Senate Majority Leader, widely regarded as one of the most useless public figures in modern society, just had to open his sniveling mouth to give a debt ceiling proposal. The worst part is that Reid seemed to understand that everyone wanted him to stay as far away from the public eye as possible, but as the debate dragged on, he was forced to weigh in with his opinion, to the irate disappointment of millions. “I understand that a man has to work for a living, whether he works on cars, designs software, or presides over the upper chamber of our bi-cameral legislative system,” America said in response to Reid’s reemergence, “Still, whenever he gets back on the scene, it’s like going to a Springsteen concert and hearing the Boss announce that they’re going to do some songs off of Tunnel of Love. I instantly start running for the exit.”

The Nation can take solace in the fact that the debt ceiling dilemma will be resolved by August 2nd, when the ceiling will either be raised, or the nation will default on its debt and face almost-certain economic calamity. Either way, the outcome promises to result in more interesting stories. Newspapers across the nation are already preparing post-default features on whether apocalyptic America will look most like Road Warrior, Children of Man or Escape from New York.

Jim Tressel's Apology to the Buckeye Faithful

By Jim Tressel

I would like to begin by apologizing to all of the fans of The Ohio State University. While we are very proud of what we accomplished as a football program over the last 11 years, I have now brought disgrace and shame to a once proud institution. Whatever it is that I did wrong, my advisors have assured me that it is much worse than when Woody Hayes attacked an opposing player during a game, and for that, I have the gravest of regrets.

My time at Ohio State has been a roller coaster ride. When I began, I did not think there was any way I would be able to fulfill the sky-high expectations that the program had for me. When we started winning one Big Ten title after another, I thought that life could not possibly get any better. Over the last few months, I have experienced the lows that correspond to those previous highs. When I was in the staff cafeteria last week, the school's mascot would not even say hello to me, and I couldn't help but thinking to myself, “Et tu, Brutus?” But then I realized that my career and my life were crumbling around me, and I should probably focus on something other than making a bad Shakespeare pun.

[RIGHT: The vest's the thing!]

The reason I am writing this letter to Buckeye Nation is not to make excuses for my actions. It is to explain what really happened- to shed light on a mysterious situation so everyone can know how our program went from being one of the most revered in the nation to being tarnished by impropriety. The fall is not the responsibility of the players. It is not the fault of the boosters, nor is it the fault of the University administrators. No, the fault lies with my trademark sweater vest. Once the sweater vest gets its tentacles in you, it is a parasite that dominates your entire life. It will take your well-intentioned plans and your moral rectitude and wipe its ass with them. It is a horrible beast, and it deserves all of the blame for the fall of the Ohio State football program.

Things were not always this bad for me. When I started out, I thought the sweater vest was just a professional garment that would garner respect from the players while simultaneously displaying my team spirit. For many years, it worked wonderfully. I was able to keep all of the negative side effects and the temptations that go with the sweater vest at bay. I wore sweater vests dating back to my time at Youngstown State. Those days look so innocent now. Who knew that it could have been the root of something so vile and reprehensible? We were known as the Penguins, for crissakes!

But the sweater vest is a greedy and desirous mistress. The sweater vest will never leave well enough alone. Even if I was able to win a 1-AA National Championship and move on to be the coach of one of the nation's great programs, the sweater vest always pushed for more, more, more. In many ways, the sweater vest is like heroin, because you always think that you are so close to where you want to be, but you never get there. In another way, it is like one of those weird science fiction movies where the villain invents a brain control device and makes the hero do evil things, even though the hero's friends don't know that he is being controlled by the villain. Yes, I realize that I just described the plot to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, but I don't deserve to be compared to Indiana Jones these days. The sweater vest, though, bears more than a passing resemblance to that freaky voodoo priest kid, at least in his sinister ways.

For a very long time, I thought that I could keep wearing the sweater vest but control its evil powers. Sometimes, I would put a windbreaker over it so my reliance wouldn't be so obvious, but my friends could always tell when I was using the sweater vest. They told me that I was more aggressive, more cutthroat, and not my usual, thoughtful self whenever I put it on. Hell, when I first found out that my star quarterback Terrelle Pryor was receiving illegal benefits from a car dealership, I wanted to immediately suspend him and report the story to the rules committee. But before I knew it, the sweater vest had me forwarding the emails to Pryor's advisor so he could try to cover up the story before the NCAA would find out and cause us to lose our star player for a big game. A lot of people said it seemed fishy that all the players who broke the rules were allowed to play in our bowl game last year and had their suspensions delayed until the following year for lower-profile games. Do you think I didn't realize that? I'm not a complete moron. I know that everything I was doing was completely hypocritical and dishonest, but that's just the way people act when they wear the sweater vest.

I'm not the first person to fall victim to the curse of the sweater vest. Look at Bobby Knight. Everyone that knows the guy says he is an upstanding and exemplary human being. He even started his career at West Point. He was able to recruit star players for a system that deemphasized individual achievement because the players' parents knew that he was a great role model. Even Bobby Knight eventually lost control of the sweater vest, though, and saw his career come crashing down as he berated officials, choked his own players, and threw chairs at referees. Enough is never enough with the sweater vest. Just ask Bobby Knight.

Some people would say that my career has unraveled over the past several months. If only it was that easy. If this sweater vest had unraveled, I would have been left with an Ohio State polo shirt and a solid, respectable program. Sure, we wouldn't have had the same level of success and we would have gone back to the 7-5 days of John Cooper. The sweater vest can take you far in life. Almost to the top. It can take a bunch of slow white guys from Ohio and Michigan and get them all the way to a BCS bowl year after year where they get crushed by more athletic SEC teams. But is it worth it? Is all the glory of getting to the Fiesta Bowl every year and being disemboweled by Florida or LSU really worth it? Even wise men will never know the true answer to that question.

The bottom line is that I have learned my lesson from this disaster. I now know that the sweater vest is not the way to build a great football program. I have learned that trying to give players improper benefits then covering your tracks will never take you to the top of the mountain. The only way to build a truly great college football team is through hard work, dedication, and openly, unapologetically paying the best players to come to your school, like Auburn did to win the national championship.

If the country takes anything away from this experience, I hope it is this: young coaches may think that they have control of the sweater vest, and they may think that they are able to reach the pinnacle of their profession with the help of that damned piece of clothing, but at the end of the day, no one is immune to the evil powers of the sweater vest. If you wear it long enough, it will corrupt you, and you will become as evil as the shirt that you wear on the sidelines.