NBA Star Kris Humphries Weds Sex Robot in Lavish Ceremony

By Tamela Esposito

HOLLYWOOD- The glitterati were out in Los Angeles this weekend to witness the historic and luxurious wedding of reality TV’s favorite couple: New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries and the government-funded, semi-sentient sex robot known commonly as “Kim Kardashian.” Over 400 guests attended KimBot’s ceremony and reception, which included performances by Earth, Wind, and Fire and popular robo-crooner Robin Thicke.

It came as a slight surprise to many to learn that the reality starlet was not actually human, but a complex robotic device designed to optimize male arousal. On the other hand, KimBot’s fans have long been wary of the fact that she never displays anything resembling a human emotion. Furthermore, her communication takes place mostly through Twitter, which gives her intricate central processor time to parse the complicated nuance of human language before responding.

Years after KimBot came into the public eye, many wondered why the federal government chose this time to marry it off and reveal to the public that it is not human. Some speculate that it was a calculated effort by the Obama administration to pressure the state of California to reform its marriage laws. Under that logic, the government would have to fear the public backlash against vacating the marriage license more than the outcry over violating the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman, which is probably an accurate reading of public sentiment. Others have said that the government chose to allow KimBot to marry at the behest of the newly-formed debt committee who saw how many tens of millions of dollars could be brought in
through sponsorships and decided it was probably time for politicians to stop passing KimBot around Washington like this generation’s Marilyn Monroe. Still others believe that

President Obama engineered the union as a way to get closer to Humphries and fulfill his lifelong dream of hanging out with NBA players.

[LEFT: An earlier and less convincing prototype of the robobride.]

Details about the development of KimBot have also come to light as part of the governmen

t’s revelation. Project Kardashian began as a top secret Cold War espionage experiment in which the CIA sought to develop a robot spy that could seduce Soviet leaders and gain their confidence with no risk of defection. When the Cold War ended before the project had matured to completion, the fleet of sex bots (including the beta version with code name “Kourtney”) were stashed in southern California to undergo further testing without their appearance becoming conspicuous. When the sex bots reached maturity, they became so dangerous that the government had to put someone in charge who had the physical and mental prowess needed to keep them from exploiting their powers for evil. For that task, the CIA tracked down Olympic hero and American icon Bruce Jenner, who has served as their overseer ever since.

Years later, KimBot found her way into the tabloid pages for befriending once-famous socialite Paris Hilton (shockingly not a robot) and appearing in a sex tape with R&B star Ray J. The sex tape was actually part of another series of government experiments to determine whether the sex bots were equipped to handle the rigors of being used to spy on African-American politicians, if necessary. When the tapes were accidentally leaked, the government had to buy off Ray J by guaranteeing him a VH1 reality show for the rest of his life.

[RIGHT- OK magazine begs the question: can robots dream?]

KimBot’s powers have also been seen in professional sports, as many of its mates have achieved great athletic success when dating it. Reggie Bush won a Super Bowl with KimBot in the stands, and Miles Austin and Kris Humphries had breakout seasons while dating it, all because KimBot emits a testosterone-laden pheromone to induce attraction that serves a dual purpose as a performance enhancing drug. KimBot has tended to date athletes because they are the only segment of the population vacuous and self-centered enough not to notice that their partner is not human.

KimBot’s “sister” Kourtney is an earlier model of Project Kardashian that was not as highly developed, while Khloe is not actually a sex robot. Khloe, though, was also the product of a government experiment- one where a hybrid of a hyena and a horse went horribly wrong- and the feds had no better place to keep her without frightening children.