Jackson’s estate struggles to meet odd demands in will

By Marvin Jerrell

LOS ANGELES- Last week’s unexpected death of erstwhile King of Pop Michael Jackson has left his surviving relatives with the surprisingly difficult task of executing Jacko’s bizarre and sometimes lascivious last requests. In life, Jackson had grown so peculiar that he had grown incapable of surprising his fans and followers; in death, he has discovered a new venue for unpredictable behavior that has returned his name to the tabloid headlines he so desperately sought in life.

Some highlights from Jackson’s will:

-A request by Jackson to donate his body to science was roundly rejected by science, which admitted that it was terrified of what it might find by even examining his body.

-Jackson explained that he wanted to be buried in a medical air-filtration mask to avoid what he described as, “becoming a SARS spreading vessel for evil Chinese terrorists with no love in their hearts.”

-Also on Jackson’s list of items he wants buried with him in his coffin: enough cotton candy, jellybeans, and “Jesus juice” (also known as wine served to young children in Coca-Cola cans) to survive a nuclear attack by the aliens.

[RIGHT- Jackson's magic molestation cocktail.]

-Jackson’s Neverland Ranch, a bloated memorial to aborted childhood, was recently estimated to be worth more than $96 million. Instead of ensuring financial security for his family, Jackson chose to leave the ranch to the man he called, “the only person who can really appreciate the ranch,” boxer Mike Tyson. While Tyson expressed excitement at having new playmates for his white Bengal tigers, he doubted that he would find much use for the Dragon Wagon Kiddie Coaster.

[LEFT- Tyson cuddling with his cute little pet.]

-Jackson, long known for his penchant for plastic surgery, bypassed the complications of giving informed consent after death by drafting an iron-clad “permanent consent” form. Lawyer Chaim Rosenblum, an expert on informed consent from the firm Goldblum, Rosenthal, and Rosenblum, admits that consent from the dead is a thorny issue, but points out that further mutilation could do little to make Jackson look any worse. Moreover, Rosenblum argues that Jackson’s cosmetic surgery had become a cottage industry, without which several plastic surgeons may go out of business.

-After decades of comparison with contemporary pop musician Prince, Jackson admitted that Prince served as the fundamental inspiration for all of Jackson’s important work. Furthermore, Jackson described Prince as “more innovative, talented, revolutionary, and relevant than I could ever hope to be.”

Despite the odd and hard-to-execute requests in Jackson’s will, his family members said they are at peace knowing that Jackson is happy to be in what he called, “that big McDonald’s Play Land in the sky.”

A hilarious misunderstanding in Iran

By Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki

TEHRAN- The world media has had a field day over the last couple of weeks reporting on alleged “widespread violence” and so-called “rioting in the streets” of Tehran in response to questionable election results that consolidated the power of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. But as Iran's Foreign Minister, I can assure you that it has all just been a hilarious misunderstanding- a happy coincidence, if you will. So please, media, just move along. There's nothing more to see here.

You see, the Iranian Presidential Election took place last week, and everyone seems to think that it had something to do with all of the people you see in the streets on television. It's a fair mistake- I may have made the same judgment myself if I was not here to witness it. In reality, this week also marked a big week in World Cup qualifying for Iranian soccer, and you Americans know how crazy the rest of the world gets about soccer. Also, Iranian school just let out last week, so we have soccer hooligans and our version of college spring breakers all converging on the street at the same time. It has nothing to do with Mr. Ahmadinejad's reelection, I assure you. I promise that nobody is dead. You want statistics? Why not just take my word? It's much stronger than statistics.

[RIGHT- A couple of soccer hooligans doing some crazy soccer celebration. Those guys have such a wild good time.]

Twitter posts are used as proof that there is a bloody government crackdown, but you can't trust anything under 140 characters to express the subtlety and nuance of political dialogue. It's too easy to take the posts out of context. Let me give you an example. A recent Tweet coming from the streets of Tehran read: “They're killing us- it's brutal! The police are using rubber bullets!” Now, I found that Twitter user and gently encouraged her to complete that statement. In total, it should have read: “[The other soccer team is far superior to ours. What a shame. In this game,] they're killing us- it's brutal! The police are using rubber bullets [to encourage the rowdy hooligans to peacefully disperse after a frustrating loss].”

If you ask me, all the hubbub is nothing more than a few Americans trying to feel better about their own electoral irregularities. Think about it- America is supposed to be the beacon of freedom and democracy for the rest of the world. But in the last 10 years, the country has had an election decided by the Supreme Court for the candidate with fewer votes, that same candidate getting reelected by telling everyone that only he could save them from the marching armies of married faeries, then another candidate win after being hand-picked by the media to beat out a ditsy beauty queen's slutty, soap opera family. And if you think back a little further, you will recall the excessive use of police force in the Los Angeles riots in the early 1990s, as well as in the race demonstrations of the 1960s. Clearly, the American media is ashamed of these parts of American history, so they try to make it look like Iran has the market cornered on violent riot dispersal. If anything, you should be proud that Iran is finally emulating America instead of burning its flag. Really, a few Iranians invited a few (thousand) of their friends to a party in the streets, and it got a little louder and wilder than anyone expected. No big deal. It's not like anyone is being lynched. Actually, don't quote me on that.

[LEFT- That's not a missile, that's a, uhh, loudspeaker. Yes, a loudspeaker! To broadcast messages of freedom!]

Sometimes, the government encourages tourists to return to prove that an area is stable. After Hurricane Katrina, the New Orleans government urged people to come back to the city to boost its sagging tourist industry and help inject some revenue into the recovery effort. You may expect me to invite you to come visit Tehran to prove that peace and stability still predominate in the region, but do you really wan to do that? Seriously, who visits Iran? You have no reason to come visit our country to see how peaceful and stable it is first hand. These are not the droids you're looking for.

So next time you turn on CNN, just remember that the supposed “riots” you're seeing are not really riots at all, but a bit of revelry by your Iranian friends to celebrate soccer, summer, and democracy. Those socialist weasels are on the news networks are trying to make our government look bad. The truth is, everything in Iran is quite peaceful and stable, at least by the standards of our Iraqi neighbors. Take it from your old buddy Manouchehr.

This is what happens when you start apologizing to the Arab world

By Nancy Muller

OMAHA- Should anyone be surprised at the outbreak of right-wing violence in the wake of President Obama's recent apology tour of the Middle East? Of course not, regardless of what filthy, pink surrendercrats would have you believe. See, the last remaining true patriots can see the writing on the wall: the days of rich, white males imposing their will on everyone else have gone the way of the dodo, but not every segment of the privileged class is ready to go gently into that good night.

Look at the outrage over 88 year-old James von Brunn's attack on Washington D.C.'s Holocaust Museum this week- many Americans are claiming to be shocked and appalled at von Brunn's actions, but right-wing anti-semitism is nothing new. These insane people can only be pushed so far before they snap, and judging by the spike in gun purchases after Obama's election, they don't have to be pushed very hard at all.

Really, an anti-semitic, failed artist grows frustrated, misplaces his anger, and lashes out violently at Judaism in its entirety? Stop me if you've heard this one before. Let's just say that A&E has already contacted the descendants of Leni Reifenstahl about the made-for-TV biopic debuting in February, 2010. Frankly, I'm not surprised that the French haven't started waiving a white flag, just to be certain that they don't miss an opportunity to surrender.

What made von Brunn lose his shit? Some people will blame senility, others will say that the was mimicking he graphic depictions of violence he saw on Matlock. But I think we all know the truth. With Obama in Egypt telling the Muslims that America is partially responsible for the problems in the Middle East, the fragile psyches of the pro-America nutjobs are getting shredded faster than the Incredible Hulk's shirtsleeves.

I know what you're thinking: shouldn't the anti-semites be happy that the United States is finally backing away from its unflinching support of Israel? And your argument makes sense, but for one crucial aspect- these people are crazy. You can't demand rational analysis from people who think the “lives” of embryonic stem cells are more valuable than the mentally retarded criminals they want to execute.

You see, not all schizos are the same. The garden variety schizo- terrified of the government, wearing an aluminum hat to keep the CIA from stealing his thoughts- gets a lot of attention in the media and the movies, but there are comparably insane people out there with a pro-government guiding principle. So what happens to these abstract-thought impaired freaks when the government changes its position on an issue? Total meltdown.

[RIGHT- You have nothing to fear, tinfoil hat guy. This administration means you no harm.]

Look at anti-abortion activists. A few years ago, the government was doing everything they could do to limit abortion- not giving family planning services to other countries, requiring parental notification to scare minors-, and the schizos were content to scream “Save your baby!” to every woman of any age in a 12 block radius of the abortion clinic. Now, the government has eased its doctrinal opposition to abortion, and the crazies don't know what to do, so they start going to churches to murder abortion doctors, because, you know, human life is precious and must be preserved.

One success for which Obama deserves credit is his ability to antagonize people with limit capability to retaliate. You know in high school when they tell you not to pick on a certain kid, because he will snap and do something crazy? The same principle applies in politics, but since everything you do is under a microscope, you're bound to aggravate some imbecile with everything you do. They key is to pick the right type of imbecile. Bush pissed off the people in a highly militarized and anarchical part of the world, and they were able to knock down the freaking World Trade Center. Obama pissed off some old guy who lives in a basement and writes a blog about how Jews run the government. His crazy reaction didn't involve hijacking a plane; he just went into a museum with guns blazing and got off exactly one shot before getting shot 8 times in the face. So if chickens were coming home to roost when von Brunn shot up the Holocaust Museum, at least it was an incredibly incompetent chicken.

Where does Federer rank among the all-time greats?

By Dick Enberg, NBC Sports

PARIS- Last weekend, Roger Federer won the French Open to complete the career Grand Slam and tie the record of 14 titles set by Pete Sampras. Even though Federer is still in the prime of his career, analysts have started trying to place his accomplishments in the historical context alongside the greatest tennis players of all time. And while no man can match Federer's resume, skill, and determination, his wife's ugliness prevents him from being considered the greatest of all time.

Before you start to think that Federer's wife's appearance has little bearing on his all-time ranking, it's important to understand just how ugly she really is. She ranks near the apex of all-time ugliest celebrity/athlete wives/girlfriends. She supposedly played professional women's tennis several years ago, but she probably didn't last long having to haul her fat ass around the court. She got started playing tennis on the suggestion of Martina Navratilova. In other words, she's the kind of woman that only lesbians find attractive.

[RIGHT- A photo of a woman who is better looking than Federer's wife. Unfortunately, she was unable to be photographed after NBC Sports lost 3 cameras and 2 good photographers attempting to do so.]

Ranking Federer historically has to start with a comparison to the other great players in the sport. Andre Agassi had that chick from Blue Lagoon (even though her hotness peaked at age 14), Jimmy Connors married a Playboy Playmate, and Sampras picked up Billy Madison's sloppy-seconds: Ms. Veronica Vaughn. Even today, she is one piece of ace...

To be certain, athletes are defined by who they hooked up with on the court. Federer-Nadal may rank up there with Connors-McEnroe or Sampras Agassi. But who you hook up with off the court matters, too, and Federer can't compete with the greats in terms of high class poon. In fact, Federer can't even compare with Eliot Spitzer. Perhaps he could take a lesson from the former New York Governor and use his power and prestige to coerce some starry-eyed ingénue into the sack.

Fellow professional tennis player Andy Roddick, who sucks, managed to get engaged to Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker. Roddick is hardly a god amongst men, but he certainly demonstrates that tennis players do not struggle with women in the way that Federer's relationship would suggest. The fact that Federer could only snag a triple-chinned she-beast calls his manliness into question. Combine that with his funny-looking warm-up blazers and his love of soccer, and we may have a Katie Holmes-esque public beard situation.

To illustrate Federer's missed opportunity, consider the most comparable athlete in another sport- Tiger Woods. Like Federer, Woods was a prodigy who dominated from the moment he turned pro. But rather than taking the path of least resistance and marrying a woman he “loved” and “trusted,” Tiger shot for the stars. Now he's married to a Swedish nanny/model. A Swedish fucking nanny. That accomplishment would make Jack Nicholson and Mick Jagger envious. Tiger has 14 major victories; Federer has 14 Grand Slams. How can Federer be considered an all-time great when his direct contemporary has taken his reputation out to the proverbial woodshed and beaten it silly?

Moreover, Federer has never even sniffed the type of controversy it takes to raise to the level of super-stardom. In this day and age, you can't be a truly great athlete without a tragic vice. Ali was in the Nation of Islam and objected to Vietnam. Jordan gambled enough to make Johnny Chan think he had a gambling problem. Alex Rodriguez may be a baseball playing robot with poorly designed artificial human intelligence. Christiano Ronaldo spends his free time snorting blow off of strippers' nipples. Terrel Owens is a full grown man who behaves like a kindergartener on time out, and Kobe Bryant is an unapologetic rapist. How can Federer, with his squeaky clean image, compete with such flashy brilliance in the hearts of role model-seeking children worldwide?
[LEFT- Nadal costumed as his transvestite alter-ego, "Rafa."]

Some analysts have suggested that Rafael Nadal may someday surpass Federer's greatness, but the best looking woman he has slept with to date was Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo. Then again, after Agassi turned out to be straight, all bets are off.

Let's show some respect for David Carradine's family

By Geraldo de Vincennes

BANGKOK- American actor David Carradine, 72, of Kung Fu and Kill Bill fame, was found dead, hanged in the closet of a Thai hotel earlier this week. The media's rush to bring shame to Carradine's family name has been nothing short of a disgrace. Offering salacious postulates about the cause of Carradine's death is irresponsible journalism, and I'm here to set the record straight. Carradine choked to death in a dangerous sexual practice known as auto-erotic asphyxiation, or its more popular name: strangle-bating.

Far from the humiliating stories told by reporters, auto-erotic asphyxiation is a time-honored method of treating erectile dysfunction. Executioners in the 17th century noticed that the condemned often had erections after being hanged, and applied that method to the living in order to increase sexual performance. It is unfair to condemn Carradine for using the ancient apothecary's version of Extenze.

Carradine's case is far less sensational than previous deaths by erotic asphyxiation, so there is really no need to dramatize his death with such salacious details. For instance, Sada Abe, a Japanese housewife, killed her husband in 1936 through erotic asphyxiation and proceeded to cut off his testicles and carry them around in her purse for several days before the police discovered them. If Carradine's testicles turn up in the handbag of a Thai lady-boy in the next few days, there may be a story. But in the meantime, let the man rest in peace.

Trying to hurt the feelings of Carradine's widow and two children through unfounded speculation is unfair and immoral. These are the facts: Carradine was found in Bangkok hotel closet with a curtain rope around his neck and genitals. Stop disgracing his family by calling it a suicide or raising allegations of foul play. This man was involved in deviant sexual practices, nothing more, nothing less.

[RIGHT- Carradine deriving minimal pleasure from having something tied around his neck.]

There is no reason to drag this great actor's name through the mud. Stop all of the idle speculation, even if his divorce papers from his previous marriage indicate a long history of life-threatening sexual deviancy and an incestuous relationship with a close family member. The Bible says that he who is without sin can cast the first stone, so let me ask all of you, who hasn't had a romantically incestuous relationship with a close family member?

Fox News, reporting with their usual candor and journalistic integrity, blamed financial difficulty, accusing Carradine of being a big spender. In reality, auto-erotic asphyxiation kills between 500-1000 people every year in the United States, and countless more experience euphoric joy from the practice, according to Dr. Eli Cole of the University of Minnesota.

[LEFT- An instruction manual for the popular sex toy.]

When contacted for comment on the death of her Kill Bill co-star, Uma Thurman claimed she was not surprised, and cited several instances of hearing strange noises when walking by Carradine's trailer, as well as choke-marks on his neck during most days of shooting. In a phone interview, brother Keith Carradine gasped, “uggghhhggrrllll” before losing consciousness, bringing an abrupt end to the interview.

Carradine joins a long list of famous strangle-baters, including Michael Hutchence of INXS, Frederick Nietzsche, and former President Jimmy Carter. Carter made waves in the 1970s for advocating strangle-bating in sex-ed classes for adolescents as an alternative to pre-marital sex. He recently mentioned on a radio show that if Bristol Palin had erotically asphyxiated her penis-like oversized clitoris, she could have avoided becoming a teen mother.

Greetings from the Women's College World Series!

By Alicia Blake, Washington Huskies Catcher

OKLAHOMA CITY- Hi everybody! It's awesome to be here in Oklahoma City for the Women's College World Series! It's just an awesome experience, and the team has been playing so awesome!

The first few games went really well, and we even got to be on TV! ESPN has been televising all of the games, so my friends and family got to watch. They sent me a tape, and I was so glad that my hair looked good in the pre-game introductions. Also, [outfielder] Kimi [Pohlman] was worried that she would look fat on TV because her boyfriend broke up with her and she's been stressed lately, but she so totally didn't.

We have had such a good time playing the games. [Pitcher] Danielle [Lawrie] has been pitching really well. In the game against Georgia, they were getting lots of hits, but Coach didn't have to take her out. I was happy for her, because it would have been so embarrassing for her and for Coach if she had to take her out in a game that everybody was watching. I would have cried! Danielle is so tough; I'm just glad that she got to stay in the game, even though we ended up losing.

I know what you're all wondering- and yes, we have come up with some really awesome cheers for the World Series. Aly [McWherter] is in ROTC, so she knows all of these Army chants, so whenever she gets up, we start pretending that we're doing a march on the bench! I could tell that she loved it because she started giggling when she was trying to hit. She struck out because she said she was trying really hard not to pee her pants. I can't blame her! Even though she got out, I still think it was a good cheer because she really liked it.

I'm really happy that the team has stayed so positive. Some of the girls were feeling sad after our loss to Georgia, but I just told them that it's not about winning and losing- it's about the friendships we make along the way. After the series is over, nobody's going to remember who won, but we can treasure one another's friendship for the rest of our lives. Isn't that what sports are supposed to be about? I don't know why everyone has to be so competitive all the time.

Speaking of being proud, after we finished making up cheers for good fielding plays, Niki [Williams] and I made the cutest fire-ups to hang on the girls' hotel room doors! We used construction paper and sparkle-glue to cut out little Huskies and had them fighting with alligators, and they said “Chomp the Gators!” because we were going to play Florida in the finals. I wanted to put some extra glitter on them so everybody who walked by would notice them, but I needed to save enough glitter to wear to the game the next day.

The only bad thing about the tournament so far has been the creepy old guy who hangs out in our locker room. Somebody said his name is John Kirk or Kruk or something, and that he works for ESPN, but I don't know who told him he could go in the women's locker room. Niki said he asked her if it was true that all softball players are lesbians. Whatever. He was interviewing Danielle after the last game, but he kept trying to look over toward the showers. I'm glad that he couldn't see in, because he would have found out about our top secret victory celebration!

[RIGHT- World-renowned softball expert John Kirk, or Kruk or something.]

Even though we're all having a great time, I'm excited to get back to Seattle. Danielle is going to have the whole team over to her house for pizza and a slumber party, and we're going to play truth or dare! It's not time to go back yet, though, because we still have to play Florida again. They're the first team we've played that's been a higher seed. That has been a nightmare, because the higher ranked team has to wear the white jerseys, and my ass looks really big in those white pants! It makes me embarrassed to get down in a crouch, and I've had like 6 passed balls trying to catch from one knee. Now that we're wearing our purple pants, I can finally focus on my play, and not worry about how I look. Well, other than my glitter, decorative hair band, special wrist bands, keeping my ponytail straight, and not getting any dirt on my jersey. Other than those things, I can focus on my play. Oh, and making sure that I cheer up every girl who makes an error or gets out. Other than that, I can focus on my play. Oh, and doing cheers before, during, and after every play, and making sure that my teammates are all in sync with the cheers. Other than that, I can focus on my play.

I have to go do my makeup for the finals now. Make sure you're watching, it should be an awesome game!