By Ronald Berry
WASHINGTON- Each Thanksgiving, one lucky turkey receives a pardon from the President of the United States. This Thanksgiving will be no exception, so the nation’s imprisoned turkeys have hired high-priced attorneys to prepare their final appeals before being stuffed, baked, and ritualistically carved into slabs.
As with any legal proceeding, the Presidential turkey appeal will come down to the legal issues and the emotional reaction evoked by the individual turkeys’ stories. Advisors say that President Obama is especially partial to stories of turkeys who received especially foul treatment from the police, ultimately resulting in being gamed by the justice system.
The practice of choosing only one turkey each year to pardon has been a cause of controversy. In some cases, there may be more than one turkey deserving of a pardon, whether the turkey was wrongly convicted or converted to Islam in turkey prison and wrote children’s books. The Reverend Al Sharpton has complained that the turkey pardoning system suffers from racial imbalance. “The President may not be aware of his mistreatment of the dark meat, and that, my friends, is the root of the problem,” the Rev told supporters at a pardoning rally Tuesday. “All I want is to see one African-American turkey pardoned by the President. I thought that it would all be different with Barack, but even now, we have never had an African-American turkey pardoned by our President!”
Other groups also have problems with the practice of pardoning a turkey every year. For instance, the nation’s pigs staged a protest of the turkey pardons at Farmer Brown’s slop yard, where nearly 200,000 head of cattle showed up to have their oinks heard. The pigs complained of the bad publicity they have received in the past year through the naming of Swine Flu, as well as the preferential treatment of turkeys, even though the Christmas ham is a tradition with nearly as much history. They pointed out that pigs have made many great contributions to society, from the movie Babe to the BLT sandwich to curly tails. The pigs concluded that they face discriminatory treatment from the Jews, who hate them because they do not eat pork, and who secretly control everything.
The pardoning process has faced additional criticism in recent years when it came out that President Bush gave undue privilege to turkeys from his home farm. President Obama has gone to great lengths to give the appearance of impartiality in his turkey pardons by refusing to consider pardons for any turkey that has worked for a lobbying firm in the last five years. Exactly zero turkeys were excluded by this new stipulation.
Whichever turkey President Obama chooses to pardon will undoubtedly be relieved to live through another Thanksgiving. On the other hand, that turkey will not be relieved to find out that it will continue to live in a one-foot square cage with the end of its beak chopped off and its body constantly pumped full of synthetic hormones. The turkey will live through Thanksgiving, but will likely be butchered and packaged into high-sodium deli meat within two months.
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Justin Bieber indicted on charges of drug trafficking, murder
By Nia Momopopolous
BUFFALO- Fourteen year old pop sensation Justin Bieber was indicted by a Federal Grand Jury yesterday on fourteen charges of heinous crimes, ranging from witness tampering and torture, to drug trafficking and murder. The Canadian-born teeny bopper’s lawyer said that the government had presented mountains of persuasive evidence, but that he will be interested to see how many of the witnesses dare to testify against his client at trial.
Bieber, who has thus far kept up a squeaky clean public image, has allegedly led a double life: sugary-sweet pop star by day, and sadistic, demented criminal by night. Since his indictment, a flood of stories have washed up describing Bieber’s animalistic tendencies. His reign of terror supposedly began in 2005 when he beheaded his two month old sister with a straightedge razor, and grew to be more heinous over time. Before long, Bieber had laid waste to most of his home province of Ontario, where he created a killing field of every important drug dealer, crime boss, and thug in order to assert his undeniable dominance in the area.
Fritz McKenzie of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police claims that his agency has been aware of Bieber’s malfeasance for years, but has been unable to do anything to curb his law breaking. “We learned aboot Justin in 2006 when he made his power grab in Eastern Ontario. We believe that he murdered at least 17 people that year with his bare hands, which is especially impressive considering that he was 11 years old at the time. The boy is a highly volatile killing machine. Late that year, we sent three of our top Mounties to politely ask him to slow the pace at which he was kidnapping women and young girls into depraved sex slavery, and before they could even voice the request, he had killed all three of them with a single bullet in the driveway, and he left them to bleed out the phrase ‘STAY THE FUCK AWAY’ in perfect script on the pavement. Needless to say, the Mounties did not get their man, and we never went after him a-gain.”
By the following year, Bieber’s activity had carried into Northern New York, and he even had gained a foothold as a heroin trafficker in New York City. Bronx drug dealer and gangster DeAndre Caldwell, recently sentenced to 20 years at Sing Sing, gave a sobering account of Bieber’s sociopathic tendencies. “When El Muerto Blanco- that’s what he made everyone call him- came to New York, he wanted to make an example out of the biggest, toughest guy he could find, so he targeted me,” Caldwell recounted. “After I told him that I ain’t nobody’s bitch, he sodomized me with his head. He shoved his entire head up my ass. And it wasn’t like he did it one time. He installed a computer chip up there so he could record music from inside my rectum. We had a weekly appointment at 8:30 on Wednesdays, and I kept coming back and letting this kid stick his head up my ass as a show of dominance, just because I was afraid of what he would do if I didn’t show up. Think about how fucked up that is- I let him rape me with his face because I was afraid of what he would do if I didn’t let him. I always said that I only fear God and fear my mother. But I learned the hard way to fear Justin Bieber.”
[RIGHT- Bieber flashing a peace sign, a virtue which he has ritualistically eviscerated.]
Perhaps the most disturbing story about Bieber’s descent into the criminal underworld came after he became aware that the FBI was investigating him. Bieber abducted the husband of the secretary of New York’s FBI office, then gouged out his eyes, cut his tongue in half down the middle, cauterized the wounds, the pulled the two strands of his bifurcated tongue out through his empty eye sockets and tied them in a knot. Since he stopped the bleeding, the victim survived, and Bieber kept him alive on an IV drip for 13 days while he stumbled around like a slightly more functional Helen Keller.
There have also been rumors that Bieber’s dominance has stretched around the globe. Certain documents obtained from the CIA indicate that Bieber has purchased enough highly enriched uranium from the Iranian government to make at least three nuclear bombs. While it is unclear as to whether Bieber has the technology to attach these bombs to missiles, the possibility of a suitcase nuke remains terrifying, and his close friendship with Kim Jong-Il raises the question of how long it could be until he would be able to blow up half of the eastern seaboard just to see it burn. When asked about his association with Bieber, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad curled up in the fetal position and began sobbing uncontrollably. Between gasps, he could be heard to say, “Anything but Bieber! Don’t make me revisit that nightmare! I will renounce my faith! Anything, just don’t mention that name!”
At a preliminary hearing, the federal court set bail for Bieber at $250,000, and he was released on bond. He has since rejoined Taylor Swift as the opening act for her Fearless tour in the United Kingdom.
BUFFALO- Fourteen year old pop sensation Justin Bieber was indicted by a Federal Grand Jury yesterday on fourteen charges of heinous crimes, ranging from witness tampering and torture, to drug trafficking and murder. The Canadian-born teeny bopper’s lawyer said that the government had presented mountains of persuasive evidence, but that he will be interested to see how many of the witnesses dare to testify against his client at trial.
Bieber, who has thus far kept up a squeaky clean public image, has allegedly led a double life: sugary-sweet pop star by day, and sadistic, demented criminal by night. Since his indictment, a flood of stories have washed up describing Bieber’s animalistic tendencies. His reign of terror supposedly began in 2005 when he beheaded his two month old sister with a straightedge razor, and grew to be more heinous over time. Before long, Bieber had laid waste to most of his home province of Ontario, where he created a killing field of every important drug dealer, crime boss, and thug in order to assert his undeniable dominance in the area.
Fritz McKenzie of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police claims that his agency has been aware of Bieber’s malfeasance for years, but has been unable to do anything to curb his law breaking. “We learned aboot Justin in 2006 when he made his power grab in Eastern Ontario. We believe that he murdered at least 17 people that year with his bare hands, which is especially impressive considering that he was 11 years old at the time. The boy is a highly volatile killing machine. Late that year, we sent three of our top Mounties to politely ask him to slow the pace at which he was kidnapping women and young girls into depraved sex slavery, and before they could even voice the request, he had killed all three of them with a single bullet in the driveway, and he left them to bleed out the phrase ‘STAY THE FUCK AWAY’ in perfect script on the pavement. Needless to say, the Mounties did not get their man, and we never went after him a-gain.”
By the following year, Bieber’s activity had carried into Northern New York, and he even had gained a foothold as a heroin trafficker in New York City. Bronx drug dealer and gangster DeAndre Caldwell, recently sentenced to 20 years at Sing Sing, gave a sobering account of Bieber’s sociopathic tendencies. “When El Muerto Blanco- that’s what he made everyone call him- came to New York, he wanted to make an example out of the biggest, toughest guy he could find, so he targeted me,” Caldwell recounted. “After I told him that I ain’t nobody’s bitch, he sodomized me with his head. He shoved his entire head up my ass. And it wasn’t like he did it one time. He installed a computer chip up there so he could record music from inside my rectum. We had a weekly appointment at 8:30 on Wednesdays, and I kept coming back and letting this kid stick his head up my ass as a show of dominance, just because I was afraid of what he would do if I didn’t show up. Think about how fucked up that is- I let him rape me with his face because I was afraid of what he would do if I didn’t let him. I always said that I only fear God and fear my mother. But I learned the hard way to fear Justin Bieber.”
[RIGHT- Bieber flashing a peace sign, a virtue which he has ritualistically eviscerated.]
Perhaps the most disturbing story about Bieber’s descent into the criminal underworld came after he became aware that the FBI was investigating him. Bieber abducted the husband of the secretary of New York’s FBI office, then gouged out his eyes, cut his tongue in half down the middle, cauterized the wounds, the pulled the two strands of his bifurcated tongue out through his empty eye sockets and tied them in a knot. Since he stopped the bleeding, the victim survived, and Bieber kept him alive on an IV drip for 13 days while he stumbled around like a slightly more functional Helen Keller.
There have also been rumors that Bieber’s dominance has stretched around the globe. Certain documents obtained from the CIA indicate that Bieber has purchased enough highly enriched uranium from the Iranian government to make at least three nuclear bombs. While it is unclear as to whether Bieber has the technology to attach these bombs to missiles, the possibility of a suitcase nuke remains terrifying, and his close friendship with Kim Jong-Il raises the question of how long it could be until he would be able to blow up half of the eastern seaboard just to see it burn. When asked about his association with Bieber, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad curled up in the fetal position and began sobbing uncontrollably. Between gasps, he could be heard to say, “Anything but Bieber! Don’t make me revisit that nightmare! I will renounce my faith! Anything, just don’t mention that name!”
At a preliminary hearing, the federal court set bail for Bieber at $250,000, and he was released on bond. He has since rejoined Taylor Swift as the opening act for her Fearless tour in the United Kingdom.
Monday, November 16, 2009
United Nations to hold Global Summit on United Nations Global Summits
By Frederico Vanzetti
THE HAGUE- United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon announced this week that the United Nations will hosts the first ever United Nations Global Summit on United Nations Global Summits in the coming months. The nations of the world will discuss upcoming summits at the Summit and will try to restore order to the increasingly unwieldy Summit industry.
Leaders from the world’s powers will descend on an undetermined world capital to, “remove the anarchy from the global summit process,” according to Moon. The Summit, which will take place from December 12-14 this year, seeks to bring the world together and reach a consensus on the controversial subject of bringing the world together and reaching a consensus.
One of the most important issues of the Summit will be the topic of dealing with protestors at future global summits. From riots against the WTO in Seattle to violent protests at the London G20 convention earlier this year, protestors have plagued global summits for years. While tear gas works well to subdue crowds in certain situations, it backfires in windy conditions, often causing immense pain to the peaceable law enforcement officers who deployed it. Similarly, rubber bullets have succeeded with flying colors at times, but become slippery and unreliable in wet climates. One of the first issues on the agenda at the Global Summit on Global Summits will be a presentation by former United States Vice-President Dick Cheney on the most effective methods to tell those insolent, ungrateful protestors to fuck off. Summit organizers hope to prevent any ugly scenes in the future where the world’
s elite have to see human conflict and suffering firsthand.
[RIGHT- The Honorable King of Zamunda arriving at the recent Global Summit on AIDS and the Church.}
The Summit will also address the dicey subject of catering future global summits. While snacks may not seem like the most pressing need for a global summit, there have been many food problems in the past. Finland was in charge of bringing snacks to the UN Global Summit on Women’s Rights, and they showed up with orange slices and celery sticks. Everyone appreciated the gesture toward healthfulness, but was offended at the implication that they were fat, and wanted something a little more substantial. Another food faux pas came at the UN Conference on Racism, where Uganda took its turn to provide food, but clearly didn’t have enough money to buy decent snacks, and showed up with a six-pack of Shasta grape soda and two packs of Ramen. Everybody was embarrassed for Uganda, but they appreciated the effort. As a result, there may be a food-sharing agreement where two countries can work together to split cost and preparation to make sure that everyone is included. Finally, the Summit will lay out some ground rules about acceptable snacks, since Canada brazenly brought brats and pulled pork to 2008’s Global Climate Change Summit as a practical joke on Israel and the Islamic Arab nations, then pretended it didn’t know that those countries don’t eat pork before gorging on delicious pig meat. Until food rules are set out, the conference will serve a fresh crudité with hummus and those delicious bacon-wrapped water chestnuts.
The leaders at the Summit have also placed a high priority determining a formula for the location of future global summits. There has been strong support from a faction that favors tropical climates to make the summits more relaxing and fun for the leaders, but other nations favor the more functional approach of placing summits in cities that have expertise or lead the industry for which the summit is held. Belgium has been vocal in its opposition to holding any more summits in Bangkok, not because they hooked up with a transvestite lady-boy hooker, but because they could totally see how someone could do that by accident. But they seriously didn’t. You know what, never mind- they’re sorry they even brought it up because you guys are so immature to think that Belgium had sex with a Thai transvestite, lady-boy hooker. Seriously, grow up. In any case, unless the Summit is held somewhere in Western Europe, somebody is going to have to give Iceland a ride, because Iceland is totally broke.
While many other hot button issues remain on the table for the world leaders, topics such as racism and human rights will not be directly addressed at the Global Summit on Global Summits. Instead, this Summit will talk about talking about human rights and racism. The organizers of the summit deemed that this arrangement would be acceptable since that’s what happens at all of the other summits anyway.
The planned Summit has not been without controversy, as Libya and Iran have already threatened to boycott. While the reasons behind their potential boycotts are unclear, sources have indicated that their opposition arises out of the fact that they are dicks. Neither country has given a reason for the boycott so far, but they both insist that they will figure something out soon enough to have a flag burning ceremony to commemorate their protests.
Near the end of the convention, there will be an open forum for individual countries to voice their concerns about upcoming global summits. Reliable sources indicate that Russia may propose a randomized seating arrangement so as not to sit by Rwanda, because Rwanda smells like Kool Menthols and too much aftershave. There is also a rumor that the Netherlands will ask for a volume knob on the translator headsets so they don’t look like assholes when they stop listening every time Mongolia comes to the podium.
If the Summit is successful, the UN may set up a permanent Council on Global Summits, which will function much like a high-end party planner. Early speculation about candidates for the prestigious Undersecretary of Global Summits has included A-List names like Khloe Kardashian, Diddy, and the girl on that one episode of Super Sweet 16 who hired an army of belly dancers.
Pope Benedict XVI is due to address the Summit during the opening ceremony, for the first time at a Global Summit, since he views the subject matter of the Summit as vital to the interests of the Vatican.
THE HAGUE- United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon announced this week that the United Nations will hosts the first ever United Nations Global Summit on United Nations Global Summits in the coming months. The nations of the world will discuss upcoming summits at the Summit and will try to restore order to the increasingly unwieldy Summit industry.
Leaders from the world’s powers will descend on an undetermined world capital to, “remove the anarchy from the global summit process,” according to Moon. The Summit, which will take place from December 12-14 this year, seeks to bring the world together and reach a consensus on the controversial subject of bringing the world together and reaching a consensus.
One of the most important issues of the Summit will be the topic of dealing with protestors at future global summits. From riots against the WTO in Seattle to violent protests at the London G20 convention earlier this year, protestors have plagued global summits for years. While tear gas works well to subdue crowds in certain situations, it backfires in windy conditions, often causing immense pain to the peaceable law enforcement officers who deployed it. Similarly, rubber bullets have succeeded with flying colors at times, but become slippery and unreliable in wet climates. One of the first issues on the agenda at the Global Summit on Global Summits will be a presentation by former United States Vice-President Dick Cheney on the most effective methods to tell those insolent, ungrateful protestors to fuck off. Summit organizers hope to prevent any ugly scenes in the future where the world’
s elite have to see human conflict and suffering firsthand.[RIGHT- The Honorable King of Zamunda arriving at the recent Global Summit on AIDS and the Church.}
The Summit will also address the dicey subject of catering future global summits. While snacks may not seem like the most pressing need for a global summit, there have been many food problems in the past. Finland was in charge of bringing snacks to the UN Global Summit on Women’s Rights, and they showed up with orange slices and celery sticks. Everyone appreciated the gesture toward healthfulness, but was offended at the implication that they were fat, and wanted something a little more substantial. Another food faux pas came at the UN Conference on Racism, where Uganda took its turn to provide food, but clearly didn’t have enough money to buy decent snacks, and showed up with a six-pack of Shasta grape soda and two packs of Ramen. Everybody was embarrassed for Uganda, but they appreciated the effort. As a result, there may be a food-sharing agreement where two countries can work together to split cost and preparation to make sure that everyone is included. Finally, the Summit will lay out some ground rules about acceptable snacks, since Canada brazenly brought brats and pulled pork to 2008’s Global Climate Change Summit as a practical joke on Israel and the Islamic Arab nations, then pretended it didn’t know that those countries don’t eat pork before gorging on delicious pig meat. Until food rules are set out, the conference will serve a fresh crudité with hummus and those delicious bacon-wrapped water chestnuts.
The leaders at the Summit have also placed a high priority determining a formula for the location of future global summits. There has been strong support from a faction that favors tropical climates to make the summits more relaxing and fun for the leaders, but other nations favor the more functional approach of placing summits in cities that have expertise or lead the industry for which the summit is held. Belgium has been vocal in its opposition to holding any more summits in Bangkok, not because they hooked up with a transvestite lady-boy hooker, but because they could totally see how someone could do that by accident. But they seriously didn’t. You know what, never mind- they’re sorry they even brought it up because you guys are so immature to think that Belgium had sex with a Thai transvestite, lady-boy hooker. Seriously, grow up. In any case, unless the Summit is held somewhere in Western Europe, somebody is going to have to give Iceland a ride, because Iceland is totally broke.
While many other hot button issues remain on the table for the world leaders, topics such as racism and human rights will not be directly addressed at the Global Summit on Global Summits. Instead, this Summit will talk about talking about human rights and racism. The organizers of the summit deemed that this arrangement would be acceptable since that’s what happens at all of the other summits anyway.
The planned Summit has not been without controversy, as Libya and Iran have already threatened to boycott. While the reasons behind their potential boycotts are unclear, sources have indicated that their opposition arises out of the fact that they are dicks. Neither country has given a reason for the boycott so far, but they both insist that they will figure something out soon enough to have a flag burning ceremony to commemorate their protests.
Near the end of the convention, there will be an open forum for individual countries to voice their concerns about upcoming global summits. Reliable sources indicate that Russia may propose a randomized seating arrangement so as not to sit by Rwanda, because Rwanda smells like Kool Menthols and too much aftershave. There is also a rumor that the Netherlands will ask for a volume knob on the translator headsets so they don’t look like assholes when they stop listening every time Mongolia comes to the podium.
If the Summit is successful, the UN may set up a permanent Council on Global Summits, which will function much like a high-end party planner. Early speculation about candidates for the prestigious Undersecretary of Global Summits has included A-List names like Khloe Kardashian, Diddy, and the girl on that one episode of Super Sweet 16 who hired an army of belly dancers.
Pope Benedict XVI is due to address the Summit during the opening ceremony, for the first time at a Global Summit, since he views the subject matter of the Summit as vital to the interests of the Vatican.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
A Snapshot of Senator Dodd’s Finance Industry Reform Bill
By Mitchell Relaford
WASHINGTON- Senator Christopher Dodd, a democrat from Connecticut, proposed his long-awaited finance industry reform bill this week. Weighing in at 1,132 pages, the bill is sure to overwhelm laymen and policy wonks alike. So just in case the vast majority of the Senate is too busy raising money for their next campaigns, here is a quick rundown of some of the bill’s most controversial provisions.
-> In a high disputed move, the financial industry will be held “accountable” from now on. The bill’s definition section explains that by holding the industry “accountable,” they mean that “whenever the financial industry screws up, we will pay them huge sums of money so they don’t have to feel embarrassed. Whenever the financial industry falls ass backwards into profits, we will proclaim that they are the foundation of the free market and give them even more money.”
-> From now on, the Champagne Room at Cheetah Girls is strictly off limits for shareholder meetings. Instead, public money will be made available to book Misty and Sierra for private parties.
[LEFT- A photo of Bank of America Chairman William Stotts leaving a Congressional Hearing on the future of the financial industry.]
-> A briefcase containing $2 million in unmarked, nonconsecutive twenty dollar bills.
-> Over his persistent protestations, former Wachovia CEO Jim McBriar will be thrown into the McBriar patch. His punishment will be overseen by McBriar Fox and McBriar Bear. Zipadeedoodah!
-> Certain commodity exchanges will face more stringent regulation. Nonexistent entities like broadband futures, home loan derivatives, and short-sold foreign debt will still be on the table, but there will be harsh new regulations on the sales of Unicorns, Leprechauns, and Gumdrop Rainbows.
-> As a concession to Senate Republicans, abortion will now be illegal. Instead, doctors will now be able to perform a "magical invisible baby" procedure.
-> The bill establishes a new Banking Czar, a Congressional Chairman for Banking Oversight, an Executive Department of Finance Administration, a Federal Liaison to the Securities and Exchange Commission, a Deputy Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Financial Administration, a Federal Board of Financial Ethics to be comprised of a majority of non-bankers and non-lobbyists, and an Advisor for the Strategic Development of Responsible Investment, all of whom will do jack shit.
-> From now on, the American financial industry will be outsourced to China.
WASHINGTON- Senator Christopher Dodd, a democrat from Connecticut, proposed his long-awaited finance industry reform bill this week. Weighing in at 1,132 pages, the bill is sure to overwhelm laymen and policy wonks alike. So just in case the vast majority of the Senate is too busy raising money for their next campaigns, here is a quick rundown of some of the bill’s most controversial provisions.
-> In a high disputed move, the financial industry will be held “accountable” from now on. The bill’s definition section explains that by holding the industry “accountable,” they mean that “whenever the financial industry screws up, we will pay them huge sums of money so they don’t have to feel embarrassed. Whenever the financial industry falls ass backwards into profits, we will proclaim that they are the foundation of the free market and give them even more money.”
-> From now on, the Champagne Room at Cheetah Girls is strictly off limits for shareholder meetings. Instead, public money will be made available to book Misty and Sierra for private parties.
[LEFT- A photo of Bank of America Chairman William Stotts leaving a Congressional Hearing on the future of the financial industry.]-> A briefcase containing $2 million in unmarked, nonconsecutive twenty dollar bills.
-> Over his persistent protestations, former Wachovia CEO Jim McBriar will be thrown into the McBriar patch. His punishment will be overseen by McBriar Fox and McBriar Bear. Zipadeedoodah!
-> Certain commodity exchanges will face more stringent regulation. Nonexistent entities like broadband futures, home loan derivatives, and short-sold foreign debt will still be on the table, but there will be harsh new regulations on the sales of Unicorns, Leprechauns, and Gumdrop Rainbows.
-> As a concession to Senate Republicans, abortion will now be illegal. Instead, doctors will now be able to perform a "magical invisible baby" procedure.
-> The bill establishes a new Banking Czar, a Congressional Chairman for Banking Oversight, an Executive Department of Finance Administration, a Federal Liaison to the Securities and Exchange Commission, a Deputy Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Financial Administration, a Federal Board of Financial Ethics to be comprised of a majority of non-bankers and non-lobbyists, and an Advisor for the Strategic Development of Responsible Investment, all of whom will do jack shit.
-> From now on, the American financial industry will be outsourced to China.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
NFL Week 9 Preview- Around the League
By Jeremy Eggers
NEW YORK- We have reached the mid-point of the 2009 NFL season, and it has become clear that this is a year of have’s and have not’s in pro football. With several marquee matchups on the slate for this weekend, let’s take a trip around the league to look at the headlines heading into Sunday.
-Roy Williams takes responsibility for his own inability to run any of the routes in the Cowboys’ offense.
A season ago, the Cowboys mortgaged their future to trade for Roy Williams from the rebuilding Detroit Lions. America’s team gave up two future first round picks and inked Williams to a big money contract extension that can only be described as a flop so far. Through 16 games with the Cowboys, Williams has only 3 touchdowns, and has failed to accumulate the type of yardage that would make him a viable replacement for the departed Terrell Owens.
"He gets the ball thrown correctly his way," Williams said of breakout star Miles A
ustin. "I'm stretching and falling and doing everything. Everybody [else] who's been here's balls are there. Our footballs [from Romo to Williams] are everywhere right now."
[RIGHT- Williams failing to catch a pass after cutting five yards too early.]
Williams’ point is a very self-aware commentary on his inability to gel with Romo. He has been far from the norm in Dallas, as every other receiver the Cowboys have lined up next to Romo has lived up to or exceeded expectations, from Owens to Terry Glenn to Jason Witten to Patrick Crayton to Anthony Fasano to Austin. Obviously, Williams is completely incapable of playing in the Dallas offense, because every other receiver that has lined up in that offense has found success. In Detroit, Williams was asked to run in a straight line and see if the ball fell into his arms. In Dallas, he has had to run hitches, slants, and do more blocking that he ever imagined.
It would be immature for Wiliams to focus direct the fault to others, but it’s nice to see an NFL wide receiver taking the blame for something that has gone wrong. The opposite mindset would take the team’s attention away from their upcoming NFC East showdown with the Philadelphia Eagles, and I know Williams wouldn’t be so selfish as to jeopardize his team’s chances in such a big game. If Williams does become a distraction, at least Cowboys fans can rest assured that team owner Jerry Jones won’t put up with the prima donna attitude- Jones is a straight shooter who puts the team’s success ahead of headlines every time.
-The Raiders’ season is progressing exactly in accordance with Al Davis’ demented, senile plan.
Off the field, the Oakland Raiders have suffered through constant distractions from head coach Tom Cable, who allegedly punched one of his assistants in the face. More recently, Cable has had to deflect multiple other allegations of abuse from women he used to date. Meanwhile, the team has been persistently unprepared and poorly coached. On the field, the Raiders personnel department has to be a little ashamed of the fact that their last three first round picks are a quarterback with a QB rating of 48, a running back who averages three yards per carry in the rare week that he is healthy enough to play, and a wide receiver who averages less than a catch per game.
Is Raiders owner Al Davis concerned? Of course not, he’s a senile old man, and the team’s disorder echoes his own mandate of total entropy. We ought to have had some inclination that the Raiders had returned to the state of nature when they chased former coach John Gruden out of town after he went to the Super Bowl. Since then, they have been turned down by more coaching candidates than a pimply, autistic 16 year-old trying to get a date to prom. Former players have described the team as a train wreck and totally chaotic. If you fall below the level of expected decorum of a pro football player, something has gone horribly awry.
I hear that things will get worse before they get better. Rumor has it that Davis’ plans for next year include changing the team’s uniforms from mesh to velour, playing two pre-season games on the sands of Venice Beach, and replacing the black hole cheering section in the Oakland Coliseum with an actual black hole. Luckily, even a black hole couldn't suck any harder than these Raiders.
-The entire Cleveland Browns team has been suffering from swine flu for the last eight weeks.
I have not consulted and doctors or medical experts on the subject, but I see no other explanation for how the Browns could have crapped out the season that they have so far. At 1-7, the Browns are not the owners of the league’s worst record- that distinction belongs to the 0-7 Buccaneers. Nonetheless, the Browns have played and acted like a group of people in so much discomfort that they have become delusional and irrational. In 4 of their 8 games, the Browns’ leading passer has accumulated less than 100 total yards. Their one win was a 6-3 victory over the similarly hapless Buffalo Bills. They have lost their last two games by a combined score of 61-9. This week, they fired their general manager, who they hired last offseason. Their head coach, Eric Mangini, fined a player hundreds of dollars for breaking team rules and drinking a bottle of water from a hotel mini-bar. Cleveland fans have become so distraught that a local radio host segued out of the Browns’ news by saying, “the Browns have a bye this week. Thank God.” Advertisers in the stadium have asked that their ads be taken down so their products will not be associated with such a failure. I don’t think mere human incompetence is capable of creating such a disaster; this franchise is truly sick.
-Priest Holmes is the anonymous “Chiefs fan” who started the petition to deactivate Larry Johnson.
You have probably heard by now that fans of the Kansas City Chiefs submitted a petition to general manager Scott Pioli to deactivate running back Larry Johnson rather than letting him return from his suspension to break the team’s rushing record. Johnson proffered a much publicized criticism of first-year head coach Todd Haley after a recent loss, and he earned himself a suspension and a reprimand for his use of homophobic language.
What you probably don’t know is that the Chiefs fan who started the petition’s circulation is former running back Priest Holmes, who holds the team rushing record by a scant 74 yards over the Johnson. “Come on, man, let me have just this one,” Holmes said on his website, “I backed up Ricky Williams at Texas, I was a backup for the Ravens for my physical prime, I had so many concussions that I had to retire way too early, and Ladanian Tomlinson did everything I did better right after I retired, so nobody remembers who I am. At least let me be the most recognizable Chiefs running back since Christian Okoye.”
-Injury update: Reid expects Westbrook to be on the field for the first three plays against Dallas
[LOWER LEFT- The closest thing that exists to an action shot of Brian Westbrook.]
While Dallas deals with internal conflict heading into their showdown with the Eagles, Philadelphia has prob
lems of their own. Star running back Brian Westbrook was injured in last Sunday’s blowout win against the New York Giants, and speculation has swirled about his status going into this week’s matchup. The oft-injured Westbrook has made progress over the last week and appears to be fully recovered from his concussion. Coach Andry Reid said he expects Westbrook to start this Sunday against Dallas, and play at least two plays, maybe three before rolling his ankle, sitting out the rest of the first half, coming out for the start of the second half, hurting the team by trying to play through pain, and eventually being listed as questionable with a sprained ankle for the next five weeks. The prognosis will be positive enough for fantasy teams to start Westbrook, but not positive enough for him to actually help those teams win.
-Jack Del Rio’s mother is extremely upset that the Jaguars game will be blacked out.
There’s no denying that the NFL has struggled to establish a market in Jacksonville. Even though there would seem to be plenty of people in northern Florida to support a professional team, it has proven too difficult to lure men out of Jacksonville’s thousands of strip clubs on Sunday afternoons to sell out their Jaguars home stadium.
For all of the franchise’s struggles, they still have at least one die-hard fan- Olivia Del Rio, mother of Jags coach Jack Del Rio. Olivia is very disappointed that the failure to sell out the stadium will result in the Jags fourth blackout of the year, which will prevent her from seeing her son’s game. Some may say that the NFL need not revisit its blackout policy to serve one old lady, but Olivia’s dedication is unquestionable. Of the four Jags games that have been televised in her home market, Olivia has watched two of the four from start to finish. The other two were utterly unwatchable.
NEW YORK- We have reached the mid-point of the 2009 NFL season, and it has become clear that this is a year of have’s and have not’s in pro football. With several marquee matchups on the slate for this weekend, let’s take a trip around the league to look at the headlines heading into Sunday.
-Roy Williams takes responsibility for his own inability to run any of the routes in the Cowboys’ offense.
A season ago, the Cowboys mortgaged their future to trade for Roy Williams from the rebuilding Detroit Lions. America’s team gave up two future first round picks and inked Williams to a big money contract extension that can only be described as a flop so far. Through 16 games with the Cowboys, Williams has only 3 touchdowns, and has failed to accumulate the type of yardage that would make him a viable replacement for the departed Terrell Owens.
"He gets the ball thrown correctly his way," Williams said of breakout star Miles A
ustin. "I'm stretching and falling and doing everything. Everybody [else] who's been here's balls are there. Our footballs [from Romo to Williams] are everywhere right now."[RIGHT- Williams failing to catch a pass after cutting five yards too early.]
Williams’ point is a very self-aware commentary on his inability to gel with Romo. He has been far from the norm in Dallas, as every other receiver the Cowboys have lined up next to Romo has lived up to or exceeded expectations, from Owens to Terry Glenn to Jason Witten to Patrick Crayton to Anthony Fasano to Austin. Obviously, Williams is completely incapable of playing in the Dallas offense, because every other receiver that has lined up in that offense has found success. In Detroit, Williams was asked to run in a straight line and see if the ball fell into his arms. In Dallas, he has had to run hitches, slants, and do more blocking that he ever imagined.
It would be immature for Wiliams to focus direct the fault to others, but it’s nice to see an NFL wide receiver taking the blame for something that has gone wrong. The opposite mindset would take the team’s attention away from their upcoming NFC East showdown with the Philadelphia Eagles, and I know Williams wouldn’t be so selfish as to jeopardize his team’s chances in such a big game. If Williams does become a distraction, at least Cowboys fans can rest assured that team owner Jerry Jones won’t put up with the prima donna attitude- Jones is a straight shooter who puts the team’s success ahead of headlines every time.
-The Raiders’ season is progressing exactly in accordance with Al Davis’ demented, senile plan.
Off the field, the Oakland Raiders have suffered through constant distractions from head coach Tom Cable, who allegedly punched one of his assistants in the face. More recently, Cable has had to deflect multiple other allegations of abuse from women he used to date. Meanwhile, the team has been persistently unprepared and poorly coached. On the field, the Raiders personnel department has to be a little ashamed of the fact that their last three first round picks are a quarterback with a QB rating of 48, a running back who averages three yards per carry in the rare week that he is healthy enough to play, and a wide receiver who averages less than a catch per game.
Is Raiders owner Al Davis concerned? Of course not, he’s a senile old man, and the team’s disorder echoes his own mandate of total entropy. We ought to have had some inclination that the Raiders had returned to the state of nature when they chased former coach John Gruden out of town after he went to the Super Bowl. Since then, they have been turned down by more coaching candidates than a pimply, autistic 16 year-old trying to get a date to prom. Former players have described the team as a train wreck and totally chaotic. If you fall below the level of expected decorum of a pro football player, something has gone horribly awry.
I hear that things will get worse before they get better. Rumor has it that Davis’ plans for next year include changing the team’s uniforms from mesh to velour, playing two pre-season games on the sands of Venice Beach, and replacing the black hole cheering section in the Oakland Coliseum with an actual black hole. Luckily, even a black hole couldn't suck any harder than these Raiders.
-The entire Cleveland Browns team has been suffering from swine flu for the last eight weeks.
I have not consulted and doctors or medical experts on the subject, but I see no other explanation for how the Browns could have crapped out the season that they have so far. At 1-7, the Browns are not the owners of the league’s worst record- that distinction belongs to the 0-7 Buccaneers. Nonetheless, the Browns have played and acted like a group of people in so much discomfort that they have become delusional and irrational. In 4 of their 8 games, the Browns’ leading passer has accumulated less than 100 total yards. Their one win was a 6-3 victory over the similarly hapless Buffalo Bills. They have lost their last two games by a combined score of 61-9. This week, they fired their general manager, who they hired last offseason. Their head coach, Eric Mangini, fined a player hundreds of dollars for breaking team rules and drinking a bottle of water from a hotel mini-bar. Cleveland fans have become so distraught that a local radio host segued out of the Browns’ news by saying, “the Browns have a bye this week. Thank God.” Advertisers in the stadium have asked that their ads be taken down so their products will not be associated with such a failure. I don’t think mere human incompetence is capable of creating such a disaster; this franchise is truly sick.
-Priest Holmes is the anonymous “Chiefs fan” who started the petition to deactivate Larry Johnson.
You have probably heard by now that fans of the Kansas City Chiefs submitted a petition to general manager Scott Pioli to deactivate running back Larry Johnson rather than letting him return from his suspension to break the team’s rushing record. Johnson proffered a much publicized criticism of first-year head coach Todd Haley after a recent loss, and he earned himself a suspension and a reprimand for his use of homophobic language.
What you probably don’t know is that the Chiefs fan who started the petition’s circulation is former running back Priest Holmes, who holds the team rushing record by a scant 74 yards over the Johnson. “Come on, man, let me have just this one,” Holmes said on his website, “I backed up Ricky Williams at Texas, I was a backup for the Ravens for my physical prime, I had so many concussions that I had to retire way too early, and Ladanian Tomlinson did everything I did better right after I retired, so nobody remembers who I am. At least let me be the most recognizable Chiefs running back since Christian Okoye.”
-Injury update: Reid expects Westbrook to be on the field for the first three plays against Dallas
[LOWER LEFT- The closest thing that exists to an action shot of Brian Westbrook.]
While Dallas deals with internal conflict heading into their showdown with the Eagles, Philadelphia has prob
lems of their own. Star running back Brian Westbrook was injured in last Sunday’s blowout win against the New York Giants, and speculation has swirled about his status going into this week’s matchup. The oft-injured Westbrook has made progress over the last week and appears to be fully recovered from his concussion. Coach Andry Reid said he expects Westbrook to start this Sunday against Dallas, and play at least two plays, maybe three before rolling his ankle, sitting out the rest of the first half, coming out for the start of the second half, hurting the team by trying to play through pain, and eventually being listed as questionable with a sprained ankle for the next five weeks. The prognosis will be positive enough for fantasy teams to start Westbrook, but not positive enough for him to actually help those teams win.-Jack Del Rio’s mother is extremely upset that the Jaguars game will be blacked out.
There’s no denying that the NFL has struggled to establish a market in Jacksonville. Even though there would seem to be plenty of people in northern Florida to support a professional team, it has proven too difficult to lure men out of Jacksonville’s thousands of strip clubs on Sunday afternoons to sell out their Jaguars home stadium.
For all of the franchise’s struggles, they still have at least one die-hard fan- Olivia Del Rio, mother of Jags coach Jack Del Rio. Olivia is very disappointed that the failure to sell out the stadium will result in the Jags fourth blackout of the year, which will prevent her from seeing her son’s game. Some may say that the NFL need not revisit its blackout policy to serve one old lady, but Olivia’s dedication is unquestionable. Of the four Jags games that have been televised in her home market, Olivia has watched two of the four from start to finish. The other two were utterly unwatchable.
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