Ask Miley: Songwriting

By Miley Cyrus

Hi y’all. You know, I get so many letters from fans asking me for advice that sometimes I can’t respond to every letter. And that really makes me sad, because I love my fans more than anything else in the world, and I want to be able to help them with whatever problems they have. That’s why I was so excited when this great newspaper, OMG Teh Newz, offered to let me write an advice column where I answer some of the questions that I get from my fans so everybody can see them. So if you’re a Miley fan and you want to learn something about me, or if you just need some advice on a tricky problem in your life, send me a letter and maybe it will get published in the next Ask Miley!

Q: Miley, I love your music. How do you write such great songs?
-Petr, Johannesburg, South Africa

Miley: Wow, I didn’t know I had fans all the way in South Africa! Thanks for the great question, Petr. People ask me all the time about how I have such creative and fun ideas for songs, so I thought it would be a great idea to start out my new column by answering this question.

I heard that people used to have a lot of trouble writing songs. My dad told me that it took him almost 2 hours to write Achy Breaky Heart, and that seems like eternity to me, but I’ve even heard that people used to spend a whole day on one song! Can you imagine that? I don’t know where they got the time to spend a whole day on one song- how did they make time for TV tapings, photo shoots, MTV guest appearances, and movie pitches? I heard about this one old band The Beetles who all had the same haircut. No wonder they spent so much time writing songs, they didn’t even go to hair and makeup before their talk show appearances!

Luckily, I’m creative enough that I don’t have to spend so much time to write a song. But that doesn’t mean that it’s been easy learning how to write great rock ’n’ roll songs; I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about pop songs and listening to the radio. And if you look at a lot of the really popular songs, they have a lot of the same elements in them, so it’s not hard to figure out what works, then put it in your song.

The first thing you need in any good song is a beat. You want to be able to dance to the song, but you also want people to be able to recognize it as soon as it comes on the radio or at the club. The best way to do that is to take a famous old song, and add a bass line or synthesizer that makes it better for dancing. Will Smith is really good at this- he used that Forget Me Not song in Men in Black, and he used that Stevie Wonder song in Just the Two of Us. That’s what makes him such a great musician. More recently, Gym Class Heroes did that Take a Look at My Girlfriend Song, and there was the Flo Rida remake of You Spin Me Right Round. The best song I’ve ever heard at taking an old song and improving it was All Summer Long by Kid Rock, because he took not one, but two old songs- Werewolves of London for the beat and Sweet Home Alabama for the hook- and got fans of two different bands to listen to his new, great song!

So when I started brainstorming a song to make into my new song, I tuned into an oldies radio station, and the first song I heard was that Ooh Child song, but then somebody told me that they used that in a rap song by somebody called TwoPack. Then I heard that song that goes, “Tempted by the fruit of another,” and I thought that if we sped it up and gave it a good bass line, it would make a great pop song. So I called up my lawyer and he checked with the singer, some band named Squeeze. Apparently, they don’t mind me using it as long as they get their royalty check (what are the odds on that one?), so that will be the beat to my new song!

[RIGHT- The key to being popular is to look both wholesome...]

Next, you need to come up with a good hook that will get people interested. I have found that a good way to get people interested is by listing places, and hopefully getting a place that they live or like to visit. Again, Will Smith is really good at this skill- remember his smash hit Miami? He really broke new ground with that piece of high art. Everybody likes Miami, and he just reminded them of what they like about it the most. This year, Katy Perry, who really has a promising career as a songwriter because her music speaks to people on a truly meaningful level, wrote the song Waking Up in Vegas, which always reminds people of how much fun they have in Vegas. I even tried this theory on my last song Party in the U.S.A., which I think is the best song I have written so far. But that location might have been a little too general, so I’m going to try to be more specific this time.

So I started thinking about places that people like to visit. I hear that people like London, but it’s very rainy there, so I don’t think it’s happy enough. New Orleans is happier, but they just had that hurricane, so maybe it’s a little too depressing to do a song about them right now. Jay Z just made a song about New York, so I don’t want to steal his idea so soon. Then I thought of the perfect idea: Paris! Paris is beautiful, and nobody has made a song about it in years. What do I know about Paris… It’s the City of Lights, they have great history, great food, and great shopping. So I put it all together and came up with “Everything I’d ever want, Paris you’re the one/ City of these magic lights, Paris turn me on.” It’s perfect!

I know it doesn’t exactly rhyme, but Waking up in Vegas has the line, “Come on and put your money where your mouth is, that’s what you get for waking up in Vegas,” and that song was extremely popular. Not only does Vegas not rhyme with is, but the lyrics don’t make any sense. Putting your money where your mouth is means betting on something or buying something after you have talked it up. That has absolutely nothing to do with waking up in Vegas. Go ahead, try to explain the relationship. I guarantee you will sound like an idiot trying to justify it. But when you’re that abstract, vague, and nonsensical, everybody can come up with their one meaning for the song, which is why Katy is such a good writer.

Now we need to come up with a verse. People used to write songs with two or three verses, but I don’t know why. You can just make one verse and sing it three times, and it’s just as good. Usually, a good song combines instructions for dancing with lyrics that are appropriately suggestive. When I say appropriately suggestive, I mean that you want the listener to be vaguely reminded of sex and associate you with sex, but not so sexual that they’re reminded that I’m 16 years old. Then they feel guilty about being pedophiles and stop listening to you. A good example of appropriately suggestive is in my song See You Again. I have lyrics like, “I felt this deep connection when you looked in my eyes,” and “The next time we hang out, I will redeem myself.” Then in my newer song, I say “Noddin’ my head like yeah, shakin’ my hips like yeah.”In both connections, I raise the possibility of sex- “deep connection,” “shakin’ my hips”- but disarm my critics by teasing with “hanging out” and “noddin’ my head.” It’s something for everyone!

[LEFT- ...and provocative! The perfect Madonna/Whore dialectic!]

So, for my new song, I have to come up with something that is somewhat sexual, but also appeases the parents who buy the CD for their 12 year-old daughters. And if at all possible, it should have something to do with Paris. “I love watching the way your lips move when you’re speaking French to me. Makes me wanna really groove, when you dance with me.” See? The lips moving, “groove,” very sexual. But also innocent, because it’s related to speaking and dancing, which are both acceptable for kids. All we need to do is make it plausible that I’m not a total whore, and people will give me the benefit of the doubt. Plus, the bilingual fad is totally in right now, and if I associate myself with French, maybe I can cash in on some of the Dora the Explorer hype and get more people into my music! “Parlez-vous francais? Ca va? Bien, merci. In Paris, smiling faces, as far as I can see.” See how easy this is? I’ve been at it for about 20 minutes, and I’m already about two lyrics away from having a hit song!

There you have it. That’s the songwriting process that I use to come up with all of my hits. We just pick an old song, speed it up and add in some bass for the clubs, repeat the name of a place that everybody likes, then surrounded it with innuendo and slant rhymes. I'll probably be in the studio recording later today. I have a sore throat, but it doesn't matter- if I miss a few notes they'll just fix it with Auto-Tune. Piece of cake!

Agassi: “I used Brooke Shields”

By Mark Santo

LAS VEGAS- Retired tennis star Andre Agassi’s upcoming memoirs contain some very interesting revelations about the world’s former #1 player, including the bombshell that he used actress and ex-wife Brooke Shields. According to tennis reporter Malavia Washington, who was issued an advance copy of the book, Agassi used Shields starting in early 1997, shortly after he won the gold medal at the Atlanta Olympics.

Agassi, winner of six grand slam championships, confirmed the story, calling his marriage to Shields, “a dark, dark time.” According to Agassi, his marriage to Shields was a hollow, loveless sham. “I began using Brooke in early 1997, and continued using for approximately two years. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I was under a lot of pressure at the time. I was the face of Canon’s ‘Image is Everything’ ad campaign, and I really wasn’t playing well enough to live up to my own image. I tried new training techniques and different coaches, but no matter what I did, I was stuck in satellite tournaments. That’s when I got depressed and desperate and started using Brooke.”

[RIGHT- Chris Atkins, using Shields years before Agassi started the habit.]

When asked how he chose Shields over other Hollywood starlets, Agassi explained that his choices were limited. “I would have gone after Lisa Marie Presley, but I guess I wasn’t crazy enough for her publicity stunt. So I started watching movies, looking for vulnerable former child stars. When I saw The Blue Lagoon, I was immediately hooked: not only was she incredibly hot, but she had the mental scars of basically having a sex scene in front of the entire country at age 14. It was a natural fit.”

The news first broke when Washington posted a note on his Twitter account after receiving an advance copy of the book for review. The Twitter message read, “agassi used brooke… 1997… after olympiks b4 win french… more details…” The message has since been deleted from Washington’s account.

When asked why the copy of the book was leaked now, Agassi said, “it’s for publicity for my new book. That reminds me, can I get a plug in? The book is called ‘Open: An Autobiography’ and it hits stores November 9th. And let me tell you, if you liked this juicy fact, there’s lots more in the book for you.”

Sunshine Doughnuts to raise day-old doughnut prices by 25%

By Tamara Wynn

COLORADO SPRINGS- Sunshine Doughnuts owner and general manager Tom Shelby announced yesterday that the Colorado-based breakfast and snack shop will raise the price of its day-old doughnut selection from $0.20 to $0.25. The increase comes after months of public posturing and backroom political bickering from interested parties on all sides of the day-old doughnut debate, and marks a shift in the landscape of the Rocky Mountain state’s pastry industry.

“This decision is not one that I have taken lightly,” an exhausted but redeemed Shelby told reporters at Tuesday’s press conference. “Ultimately, the decision was mine, but I do not mean to understate the amount of hard work went into this price shift from some extremely capable individuals. If things go as we expect them to go, this day will not just be a victory for Sunshine Doughnuts- it will be a victory for every citizen of Colorado, from French cruller crunchers to chocolate glazed gobblers.”

The increased price comes in response to the depressed economy and its affect on the doughnut industry. When doughnut revenue started falling around the start of the new year, the Sunshine staff largely divided itself into two camps: the price hikers, who thought that day-old doughnuts would be a hot commodity with less disposable income to go around, and the price slashers, who believed that prices should come down across the board, and generally favored a “small bakery” mentality. While Shelby remained uncommitted in early discussions, he eventually aligned himself with the hikers’ day-old option, as he subscribed to the belief that increasing the price now will pay dividends to future generations.

[RIGHT- The vast array of deep-fried delicacies will allow day-after doughnut buyers to save some cash. Those in charge of Friday morning office snacks will likely benefit the most.]

The slashers, on the other hand, criticized what they called the hikers “simplistic, big doughnut ideology.” Their economic mentality revolved around the old supply-side idiom that prices should stabilize or decrease in times of economic stagnation. As such, the slashers thought that the hikers had grown out of touch with the average Coloradan, and instead focused primarily on what would be good for the apple fritter-eating elite.

In the end, the hikers won out, largely due to the support of economists who weighed in on the issue. Paul Krugman, the Nobel-prize winning economist from Princeton, issued a highly persuasive policy paper on the earnings power of day-old doughnuts titled, “The Myth of Freshness,” in which he argued that the negative attitude toward day-old doughnuts revolves almost entirely around negative experiences with stale cake doughnuts. In reality, Krugman said, most of the stale cake doughnuts are bought in 12 packs from grocery stores and can age as many as three days before reaching sub-optimal dryness. Furthermore, any sort of glazed or frosted doughnut remains moist for up to 18 hours, making it safe to eat day-old doughnuts the morning after without running any risk of excess dryness.

Even with Krugman’s endorsement, Shelby weighed all possibilities before making a final decision. He hired a team of game theorists to run thousands of monte carlo computer simulations of different doughnut choices. He even tinkered with regular price of doughnuts- $0.75- to see how much it would change buyer behavior. Additionally, Shelby brought in several lab-based biochemists to analyze the effects of various environmental factors on different types of doughnuts. As most observers expected, these scientists confirmed Krugman’s theory that cake doughnuts are far more susceptible day-old dryness, but also found that any type of cream-filled pastry lasts up to 30% longer before becoming inedible compared to their dough-centered counterparts.

While Shelby insists that no single factor made his decision for him, he did emphasize the importance of the current economic climate. “We try to keep our focus on the future of the doughnut industry at all times,” Shelby said, “but the truth is that we would not be having this discussion about day-olds without the economy being in the condition that it is in. By ‘day-olds,’ I am referring to day-old doughnuts. Excuse me, I did not mean to slip into the technical jargon there.”

Typically, any changes in the Sunshine Doughnuts pricing scheme have to gain approval from a 3/5ths majority of the Shelby family. In this case, the Shelbys were able to raise the price of day-old doughnuts with only 50% support from the 6-member family, as the adults decided that newborn Kyle would not receive a vote. This development irked children Gerald and Kate, who aligned themselves with the slashers because they no longer receive an employee discount now that they are away at college in Boulder. Adding fuel to the fire are rumors that Mark, the youngest Shelby child until the birth of Kyle, was bribed to support the price hike with a backroom deal for free doughnuts for his 2nd grade class on hi s next birthday.

Holy Shit! The Taliban is Scary!

By Dr. Terrance P. Kiernan
Henry Kissinger Senior Fellow of Geopolitics and Security Studies at Cornell University

As a professor of geopolitics and security studies, I am keenly aware of the government’s methods of threat creation employed to keep Americans scared and obedient to the government in its role of father-protector. But as an extremely paranoid human being, I can’t help but devolving into a quivering pool of nerves and skittishness every time the government manufactures a new enemy to terrify me. After a few years of having no reports of foreign instability severe enough to warrant American action, the Federal Government-Mass Media marketing bloc has set its sights on an old foe: the Taliban in Afghanistan. After a failed Afghan election and booming revenues from poppy crops, the Taliban is back, and let me tell you- they are scarier than ever.

I am fully aware that it turned out that Saddam didn’t have weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. I also know that Osama bin Laden wasn’t really hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan. Nonetheless, I spent months, if not years, in crippling fear that one of those two men would end freedom forever, and I have several dozen leftover Osama urinal cakes to prove it. Even when I was younger, I practiced my duck-and-cover procedure daily just in case the Soviets decided to finally drop the bomb. In the end, I couldn’t trust the Russians until Rocky convinced me that we all could change at the end of Rocky IV. Thankfully, through dedicated training and a relentless dedication to America, Sylvester Stallone convinced the dirty, rotten, commie pinkos not to suck the bone marrow out of dead fetuses for nutrition.



So that brings us to the present day, where the threat of the Taliban has reared its ugly head for the second time in a decade. Sure, last time our army squashed their military made up of Cold War relics. I fully understand that their most dangerous weapon is a bomb disguised as a piece of garbage on the side of the road. But I’m scared of Taliban anyway! It’s always better to be safe than sorry, and you never know- this could be the big one!

During my time at the Pentagon, I wrote a policy paper on the profile of a truly dangerous country. I’m sad and terrified to say that they have all of the makings of a true threat to my own life: lawlessness, political instability, poverty, a funny-sounding language, an alphabet that I cannot read, really crappy music, and clothing resembling that worn by various Bond villains.

I know what you’re thinking: didn’t we destroy the Taliban around 2002? That’s what I thought, too! But apparently, the inability of their government to figure out who won their presidential election combined with a drug industry that generates billions of dollars to non-governmental organizations who shape policy has reinvigorated the reactionary right of the country. Sound familiar? That’s right, it’s the exact same procedure that got us into a war with the Taliban the first time.

The thing that really got me scared about the new Taliban was the report about how their new methods are unspeakably wicked. They have big, spooky spiders hidden all over the country, and when they capture freedom-loving soldiers, they put blindfolds on them and make them feel bowls full of eel eyes and cold monkey brains. Isn’t that gross? What’s worse is that they don’t even have Halloween; they dress up like terrorists every day of the year.

[RIGHT- What the Taliban leaders may well look like, according to my extensive study of anti-Americanism in Bond movies.]

Apparently, the Taliban has also been working on some new military tactics and supplies. Intelligence data suggest that they have been using the brains of children to feed an army of zombies. Now, I don’t need to remind you that conventional war strategies and tactics will be inadequate against the undead. Shoot them with bullets? Run over them with tanks? Drop bombs on them? Child’s play to a zombie. They will eat our soldiers then cross the ocean to eat our leaders. Pretty soon, the entire country will be subservient to the Zombie Taliban, and we will have to pray to whatever zombie Muslims pray to every day at sun up and sun down. I shudder.

The potential for war gets even scarier when you consider the rumors of a weaponized strain of swine flu. My sources have told me that the Taliban has loaded capsules of H1N1 in bazookas and can infect an entire brigade at once. Our soldiers would be suffering from aches and fevers! The horror! And what if the rumors are true that Tom Selleck is half-Taliban on his mother’s side? Magnum’s facial hair always looked Arab, but I had no idea that he would turn on the country that made him a hero. If we lose Tom and his moustache, it’s game over, man. Game over!

Look, as an expert on the subject, I know that there’s only one thing to do. We have to get George Bush, Bruce Willis, and the ghost of Eazy-E to team up to take out the Taliban. I have seen enough movies to know that a vigilante coalition for freedom is America’s only hope. Otherwise, we better hope that we our children don’t grow up speaking Taliban.

Tech Review- iPhone Update great for stalkers, sex criminals

By Tricia Mallendum

PORTLAND- With great power comes great responsibility. No corporation has become more aware of this life’s lesson over the last two-and-a-half years than Apple, who has dominated the smart phone landscape since the release of the iPhone. Perhaps that experience has helped them to learn the truth of another maxim: heavy is the head that wears the crown. With unprecedented expectations surrounding every new update, Apple has had to stay a step ahead of the competition by continually innovating and putting more power in the palms of users’ hands than any other device. With the new software update 3.1.2, Apple has proven once more that their dominance of all things communication is warranted, and then some.

Apple has drawn the ire from sex criminals, especially child molesters, since the release of the original iPhone for not allowing picture messaging. Until now, the software required users to send pictures through e-mail, a cumbersome task that many sex criminals felt left too much of an evidentiary trail and not a quick enough reward. But no more. After monitoring SMS traffic on their network, Apple determined that they could make the software update to picture messages, an innovation sure to mark the dawning of a new era for all types of child porn.

Brittany Sloan, a 15-year-old currently dating a 24 year-old love of her life, expressed her excitement at her new ability to sext. “I just know my boyfriend will be so excited that I can send him pictures of me with my shirt off!” Sloan gushed. “I thought he would tell me he loved me when I agreed to let him have sex with me without a condom, but I know that this new iPhone app will do it!”

Rob Harris, Sloan’s aforementioned boyfriend, had slightly different reasons for his happiness about the ability to send and receive picture messages. “Do I want her to send me naked pictures? Yeah, I guess,” Harris said. “I could show it to my buddies, cuz they totally don’t believe I’ve been boning a 15-year-old, but they’d probably just make fun of her, call her pimple tits or something. I don’t know, I guess I’d like to have them just in case I ever need her to do anything for me.”

When told about Harris’ comments, Sloan began weeping uncontrollably, and continued for 11 days.

[LEFT- The iPhone has come a long way since its beta version.]

Other iPhone update enthusiasts include child pornographers and those involved in long-distance relationships. Child pornographers see iPhone picture messages as a way to take their hobby out of chat rooms and dungeon-like basements and put it into the mainstream. At the same time, long-distance couples appreciate the innovation for contradictory reasons, pointing out that the update may allay the shame and guilt associated with masturbating to internet porn at least three times per day. Furthermore, the writers of Law and Order: SVU are especially excited to have at least three new episodes in the bag for next season, when the continue to glorify sex crimes for personal profit.

In a related update, the newest version of the Twitter app for the iPhone gives a text notification for updates of selected users. This feature is especially compelling to obsessed young men who incessantly monitor the behavior and movements of ex-girlfriends and other women with whom they will never have sex. With up-to-the-minute location and action updates, they can experience a new sense of immediacy in their physically crippling panic attacks that ensue from finding out that the object of their fascination has a date tonight, or met someone new at a concert.

Another interesting feature in the update is facial scan technology, such as that used in Mission: Impossible. Although the technology was meant as an additional form of security for the hyper-paranoid, it too has been co-opted by sexual predators. Combined with the GPS location capabilities in the existing Loopt locating app, the new Hookt Up app can rate women’s appearance based on body measurements, facial symmetry, and skin quality, and identify where they are gathered. The innovation promises to allow sketchy men to hunt down attractive females with ruthless and terrifying efficiency. Luckily, the app also includes a male rating system as part of its “out of your league” feature, used to prevent hopeless situations from becoming embarrassing for everyone involved.

When asked if the focus on sex comports with Apple’s intentions when developing the iPhone, Apple VP of Marketing Phil Schiller described the evolution of the device as a “happy accident.” Schiller pointed out that all forms of technology have paralleled a Darwinian survival instinct in some way, such that the eventually all come back to sex. “Think about every important innovation in human history, they all had to do with sex,” Schiller said. “The computer became an elaborate delivery mechanism for porn, the printing press evolved into Penthouse, Hustler, and personal ads. Few people know this, but even fire was invented by a cave man who wanted to be able to see his mate’s boobs bouncing while they had sex because it seemed very feral.”

The other features of Apple’s update also adhere to the trend of increasing immediate access to sexual desires. Improved video editing capabilities increase the resolution and lighting of home-made sex tapes, and the refined Exchange support makes it easier to cancel business appointments while waiting outside an open window while trying to catch a glimpse of the girl who lives next door changing clothes. On the other hand, Apple also improved application management, which has no apparent connection to anything sexual.

Barack Obama wins American League Cy Young Award

By Tim McKitchen

NEW YORK- The President of the United States can add another trophy to his increasingly impressive trophy case. The Nobel Peace Prize winner was named the 2010 American League Cy Young Award winner by the Baseball Writers Association of America, narrowly edging the Royals’ Zack Greinke and the Mariners’ Felix Hernanez to win the award.

Obama breaks new ground by being only the second African American to win baseball’s most prestigious pitching honor in the last two decades, as well as the first non-baseball player to ever win the award. Obama surprised many by rising above the pack to win the award narrowly, grabbing 18 of a possible 28 first place votes, but did not make it on the ballot of Lavelle E. Neal III, who has gone on the record as saying that he does not think presidents should be eligible to win the Cy Young.

Democratic baseball writer Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe said that he voted for Obama because no other candidate asserted himself in a muddled field. According to Shaughnessy, Greinke’s 15 wins were not enough to win the award, while Hernandez won his games for a team that was out of playoff contention. But, according to Shaughnessy, Obama served as an inspiration to players throughout the league, inspiring African American players like C.C. Sabbathia, Torii Hunter, and Denard Span to lead their teams to division championships, an achievement unparalleled by any of the other candidates.

T.J. Simers of the Los Angeles Times agrees with Shaughnessy. “When you look at Obama’s statistics, they may not be the most impressive, because stats are not kept for presidents and he’s not actually a baseball player,” Simers said. “But Obama is so charismatic; he’s a master of intangibles- the Shane Battier of politics and, by extension, baseball. He’s a great clubhouse guy, he’s not afraid to get his hands dirty, and he really shows up and leaves it all on the field every day, or the Rose Garden as it were. Plus, he’s a really big sports fan, so we thought this would mean a lot to him.”

[RIGHT- Obama working on his 71 MPH fastball, embarrassing Jamie Moyer.]

Simers went on to point out that while Justin Verlander of the Tigers led the league in strikeouts with 269, but that Obama spent the entire summer “pitching” the healthcare public option and constantly striking out. Adding up every time Obama’s proposal fell on deaf ears, it is likely that the President actually recorded more strikeouts than anyone in America.

The controversy surrounding the choice of a non-baseball player for the award was heightened at Obama’s acceptance speech from the White House press room. While Obama told reporters that he was surprised and humbled by the news, he was abruptly interrupted by an intoxicated Kanye West, who stole the microphone and said, “I don’t want to take anything away from your summer Barack, but Zack Greinke had one of the best ERA’s of all time. That’s all I’m sayin.” West was promptly subdued and repeatedly tasered by befuddled Secret Service members who did not know where he came from.

Critics of the President have said that baseball writers awarded him the Cy Young in an effort to stay relevant as the NFL and other sports seemingly grab the attention of younger followers. MLB Commissioner Bud Selig deflected that criticism, but acknowledged the good press that the selection of Obama would generate for baseball. “Look, there is no conspiracy, but I’m also not going to stand up here and say that Obama winning the Cy Young is bad for baseball. First of all, look at the guy- he weighs about 120 pounds. There’s no way that guy ever did steroids. Also, black kids don’t like baseball. Instead of making the product more appealing to them, maybe we can get them to start watching through a convoluted marketing campaign. It certainly beats innovation.”

In any case, Obama’s Cy Young win has upset the balance of power in Major League Baseball since he is not signed to a contract for the 2010 season. In an otherwise weak free agent class, Obama may command “John Lackey Money” if he signs with super-agent Scott Boras. While it is unclear whether a sitting president is eligible to play professional sports, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel has suggested that the President will keep an open mind to any idea that may help offset the budget deficit.

Ode to the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome

There once lived a stadium, in a land oh-so-cold
That had grown, for its fans, just a little too old
The fate of this field in Minneapolis-St. Paul
Would be sealed the first time that its home team did fall

The home nine- the Twins- fought long and played tough
But it looked like the roster would not be enough
The rotation had suffered from blow after blow
And the lineup was missing its vaunted Morneau

The Dome would be closed if they lost just one game
The Tigers of Detroit would take all the blame
The young hurler Porcello could throw quite a heater
And the lineup was led by a fat, drunk wife-beater

The team took the field and the fans cheered aloud
If this was the last game, they’d do the Dome proud
They put their hopes in the bat of Joe Mauer
But they did not know of the stadium’s full power

There were World Series tales of the fans blowing in
But everyone thought that was the groundskeeper’s sin
Little did they know that those hits that were blown
Were kept in by a park with a life of its own

The proof is quite clear, the evidence quite deep
Do you really think Puckett had a forty inch leap?
And Hrbek never had to bodyslam Gant
Since the field knocked him down by taking a slant

On this day in October, the Dome refused to yield
To its shiny new rival they call Target Field
Open air, angled seats, are as nice as they seem
But no match for a park that can help out its team

It looked like the Twins would be cast out in the cold
When the drunk hit a shot not even the baggie could hold
Baker looked gassed, his year nearly done
When the Tigers led through three innings, three runs to none

The situation looked hopeless, as it had most the year
Til their redneck skipper absolved them of fear
Scoring two off Porcello proved quite the feat
Then Cabrera hit a drive the Dome blew to the seats

The score tied to the twelfth, the crowd felt a twinge
When the bases were loaded and the pitcher hit Inge
The ump called it a ball, Detroit didn’t know why
But the Dome had blown dust in the umpire’s eye

As the game wore on and the pitchers all tired
It became clear the Dome would not retire
Two routine grounders anywhere else on the Earth
Turned into a run on the hard Astroturf

So the Dome will live on, at least for a day
To torment opponents and dictate the play
As fly balls get lost amidst the roof and Homer Hankies
The fans and the Dome chant “Bring on the Yankees!”