Kim Jong-Il’s ego falls prey to Bill Clinton’s sycophantic mastery

By Donald Vegiton

PYONGYANG- Using his world-class suck-up skills, honed by years of kissing babies and trying to apologize for cheating on a cold, hard bitch, Bill Clinton successfully negotiated the release of two American journalists imprisoned in North Korea. Clinton’s meeting with Kim Jong-Il was marked by Clinton’s constant catering to the North Korean dictator’s expansive ego, a tactic which proved to fit the scenario like a pig in shit.

[RIGHT- Bill Clinton, manipulator extraordinaire]

Clinton began the trip by complimenting Kim’s handshake, a bit of flattery that made Kim giggle like a 13-year old girl getting hit on after her third Mike’s Light Hard Lemonade. From that point, Clinton knew that he had Kim eating out of the palm of his hand and proceeded to make the rest of his visit to the far-East more of a pleasure trip.

[RIGHT- "My, what large hands you have, Dear Leader!"]

The North Korean government imprisoned American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling and sentenced them to 12 years hard labor. Most experts speculated that the motivation for the imprisonment was to engage the United States in bilateral talks, a longtime goal that the country only partially achieved due to the involvement of the former U.S. President. When Clinton initially heard of the imprisonment, a close aide told reporters that he overheard the former president muttering to himself, “is that the sassy Japanese girl from Channel 1 news? I bet she would give one hell of a sloppy BJ if I got her out of there." Clinton’s audible internal monologue continued, “I think those Asian chicks have sideways cooters, too. I’ve always wanted to see what that looks like. I hope she doesn’t have a big bush blocking the view, but I guess she probably didn’t get a chance to shave it into a sexy landing strip in Korean prison. Maybe I should bring her a razor…”

Shortly after his arrival, Kim took Clinton on a diplomatic tour of his palace, highlighted by a live sex show performed by enslaved citizens. Clinton described the show as “an atrocity; a wonderful, sexy atrocity that Americans should learn to embrace.” From there, negotiations progressed to the dinner table, where Clinton and Kim indulged in spit-fire dog, a delicacy which Clinton described as “melt in your mouth delicious.” All the while, Kim became more enchanted by the American’s faux-sincerity, as his misgivings about the Great Satan fell to the most basic trappings of American political sycophantism.

Clinton sealed the deal with Kim when he invited the totalitarian dictator to an irresistible evening of debauchery. He later recounted his final negotiating tactic to an assistant: “I said, ‘Now Kim, I just wanted to come here to get some of that sweet DPRK poon, but these guys won’t let me get after it until these prisoners are freed. What do you say we pretend some renegade judge let them out, you can have the judge murdered by a firing squad later for insubordination, we’ll go get some Courvoisier, smoke some Cubans, and we’ll find you some of those Swedish maids you like so much. That’s all I’m asking, Kim- let’s cut business time short so we can get to the bonin’.’ You see, every lie has to start with a shred of truth, or else he’ll never believe it. That lie worked because I really wanted to stop talking about hostages and start screwing his hot slaves. That’s the kind of sincerity that lays the groundwork for trust in a negotiation.”

Kim reportedly wanted no part of negotiations with President Barack Obama because he is, as one source put it, “terrified of black people.” Clinton, the archetypal congenial Southerner, was practically invented to manipulate someone as egotistical as Kim with his knack for making him feel manlier and more accomplished. Clinton’s tactics included referring to Kim’s palace as “one hell of a man cave,” asking for Kim’s expert opinion on his upcoming NFL fantasy draft- Kim likes Frank Gore as a second round sleeper-, and intentionally losing to Kim in a beer chugging contest, which was punctuated by a jubilant Kim yelling, “suck on dat, Birr Crinton!”

To the relief of many western diplomats, Clinton backed away from the nuclear option of returning filmmaker Shin Sang Ok, acclaimed and beloved director of Three Ninjas Kick Back, to North Korea. Shin spent 15 years in North Korean captivity after Kim’s security force kidnapped him from a South Korean restaurant. While under Kim’s supervision, Shin was forced to direct and produce Moria, a low-budget Godzilla rip-off that Kim thought would dispel negative stereotypes about his country. With North Korea on the receiving end of mountains of bad press, some insiders have suggested that Moria 2 may be in the works, and the script may rival Godsend for historical ineptitude. Clinton was therefore reluctant to return Shin to North Korean custody for fear that only he had the capability to engineer Kim's weapon of mass dullness.

[LEFT- Probably the wrong Kim and Clinton.]

Now that the journalists have been freed from their sentence of 12 years hard labor, it is unclear whether they will be required to continue working for Al Gore’s Current TV. Gore, it is said, runs the news network as a despot- he spends all of the company’s money on gaudy military demonstrations and leaves no money for food. He has taken to wearing Nehru jackets, combing his hair straight back, and has replaced his contacts with comically oversized glasses. Inside sources indicate that Gore’s presence may help ease Lee and Ling back into American society after their time in North Korea.

Clinton, a glutton for pleasure as well as a fantastic suck-up, said that he greatly enjoyed his trip, and would consider returning on unofficial business in the future. “Let me tell you,” Clinton said at a press conference at LAX airport, “any country that lets you be president forever, and forces women to have sex with you when you’re in office- that’s my kind of country. Maybe I was a little too hard on Kim when I was in office, but that guy’s got it all figured out.”