How Afghanistan can find a good man- President material

By Dr. Jennifer Pyle, Presidential Relationship Counselor

There’s no denying it, Afghanistan: good men are hard to find these days. And getting one to commit to being president of your anarchic hellhole, ugh, you’d have a better chance of staying on your New Year’s diet through February! But that’s what I’m here for. See, I help countries that are having trouble finding and keeping a good president look inside themselves to discover what it is they really want.

Now, I understand that things have been tough lately, Afghanistan. The Taliban is sending suicide bombers into your cities, all your neighboring countries seem to be finding good men to take care of them as their presidents, and your election process has been repeatedly disrupted by sectarian violence. You must feel like you’re doing something wrong, but I’m here to tell you that all you can do is be the best Afghanistan you can be, and you’ll find the right man sooner than you think! Instead of playing the “blame game,” let’s focus on a more constructive approach to finding a man.

[RIGHT- Your presidency is not a game, Afghanistan.]

-Accept that you are worthy of being loved. When you’re down in the dumps, all you can see are your own flaws. But where you see an arid wasteland of a countryside populated only by opium-farming warlords, others may see an oasis of economic opportunity. They key is finding the right man who loves you for being you. If he doesn’t love you, then maybe he was meant to be president of Bhutan or Mongolia, but there’s no reason to lower yourself to electing a man who doesn’t appreciate the beauty that is Afghanistan.

-Be a good communicator. While we may see a man as afraid of presidential commitment, you have to look at things from his perspective, too. He may look at the presidency as a death trap with no possibility of success, much like a bad marriage. In the end, you’re better off being honest with your guy: tell him about the warring religious factions at the outset so he doesn’t feel that you’re withholding information from him. Show him that you’re on good terms with your exes, even if they’re living in mountain caves and alienated from the world community. If your guy is afraid of the commitment that comes with being president of Afghanistan, it’s better to find out about it now than to commit to a serious relationship and have him try to embezzle millions of dollars from the national treasury and seek refuge in Pakistan at the first hint of an assassination attempt.

-Let your friends and family know you’re “on the market.” When you inform everyone around you that you are available, the presidential candidate will be pre-screened- your allies will set you up with guys who they think would be a good match for you. Getting your friends’ input at the start will help the selection process and separate the duds from real presidential material. For instance, try dropping some hints to the NATO-led security force which will begin deploying next week to quash the Taliban-led counter-insurgency in the Uruzgan province. I hear that NATO has some really successful friends who would be a great match for a crippled relic of Cold War conflict like yourself.

-Get involved in the community. If you’re a religious person, be active in your church. That way, you’ll constantly be interacting with people who share a similar value structure. Who knows? Maybe that cute radical Islamic cleric down at the Mosque has more political aspirations than he’s letting on. Also, volunteering at a political campaign is a great way to meet responsible, like-minded guys who might turn out to be worthy candidates. Plus, being open to new experiences will help you grow as a country; you’ll get in touch with yourself as a country while looking for a president.

-Don’t get hung up on old flames. Anybody who you might end up with is going to have to eventually deal with the 600 pound gorilla in the room. But honestly, there’s no point in allowing your past relationship with Osama Bin Laden get in the way of having a new relationship with a better man. Believe me, Afghanistan, there are many more fish in the sea. I know exactly what you’re going through: lots of countries with bad leaders in their past feel inadequate and keep waiting for someone to tell them what to do and make them feel special like the old leader did. Look at Russia, she was one of the most powerful countries in the world under Stalin, but she could never accept a leader who was good to her. Sure, Boris Yeltsin had some problems with his drinking, but he loved her, and she kicked him to the curb to start another abusive relationship with Vladimir Putin. As sexy as Putin may be, he wants to control Russia, and that’s not a healthy relationship. Even though Osama never consummated his relationship with you and became president, you can still learn a valuable lesson from that fling: you can’t spend your life waiting for some superstar to come out of hiding to lead you. You have to be proactive and find the president who is right for you, and believe me, girlfriend, Osama is not the one.

If there’s one thing I can tell you, Afghanistan, it’s that you should be confident in yourself going into next week’s elections. Sure, haters are going to say that the Taliban will kill whoever you elect and that corrupt warlords will prevent any relationship from working like it should, but you have to shake those haters off! The only way that Afghanistan can be happy is by accepting itself and finding a man who will love it, care for it, and commit to it in presidency.