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By Nicolas D. Brennan, Staff Writer
CHOCOLATE CITY- President Barack Obama, caught amidst sliding approval ratings and a divisive health care debate, has decided to sharpen his public image by reemphasizing his roots. Rather than allowing his opponents to deny his American citizenship or paint him as an indecisive leader, Obama has opted to America’s old white population, including the vast majority of the Senate, into submission. To do so, Obama has hired a new team of advisors, highlighted by new speechwriters Dong King and Chuck D.
President Obama said that the main goal behind his repackaged image was to get in touch with his roots in order to be as honest and transparent as possible with the American public. Obama was careful to clarify that by “roots,” he did not mean his roots in rural Kansas where his grandparents lived, his roots in Hawaii where he was born, his roots in an Islamic boarding school in Indonesia where he received his elementary education, or his roots in Kenya where his late father’s side of the family still resides. Instead, Obama was careful to clarify that he wanted to get in touch with a set of roots that he never personally experienced, but which “scare the shit out of white folk.”
Besides the political expediency of Obama’s mission, he claims that he had grown out of touch with the black community since reaching office. “I got a white guy cutting my hair, I meet with white guys all day, and even the Secret Service agents who play basketball are white, and they give me every call,” the President lamented. “Hell, I’m
sneaking out of bed every night at 2 A.M. to talk to the night chef because he’s the only brother in the White House. We go out back and smoke cigarettes, drink some malt liquor, and I can finally hear about Starbury and Michael Jackson since I’m not allowed to talk about those things during the day.” Obama went on to say that he was still taking bids on the space, but it looked as if Popeye’s was going to beat out KFC to be the first fast food franchise inside the White House.
CHOCOLATE CITY- President Barack Obama, caught amidst sliding approval ratings and a divisive health care debate, has decided to sharpen his public image by reemphasizing his roots. Rather than allowing his opponents to deny his American citizenship or paint him as an indecisive leader, Obama has opted to America’s old white population, including the vast majority of the Senate, into submission. To do so, Obama has hired a new team of advisors, highlighted by new speechwriters Dong King and Chuck D.
President Obama said that the main goal behind his repackaged image was to get in touch with his roots in order to be as honest and transparent as possible with the American public. Obama was careful to clarify that by “roots,” he did not mean his roots in rural Kansas where his grandparents lived, his roots in Hawaii where he was born, his roots in an Islamic boarding school in Indonesia where he received his elementary education, or his roots in Kenya where his late father’s side of the family still resides. Instead, Obama was careful to clarify that he wanted to get in touch with a set of roots that he never personally experienced, but which “scare the shit out of white folk.”
Besides the political expediency of Obama’s mission, he claims that he had grown out of touch with the black community since reaching office. “I got a white guy cutting my hair, I meet with white guys all day, and even the Secret Service agents who play basketball are white, and they give me every call,” the President lamented. “Hell, I’m
sneaking out of bed every night at 2 A.M. to talk to the night chef because he’s the only brother in the White House. We go out back and smoke cigarettes, drink some malt liquor, and I can finally hear about Starbury and Michael Jackson since I’m not allowed to talk about those things during the day.” Obama went on to say that he was still taking bids on the space, but it looked as if Popeye’s was going to beat out KFC to be the first fast food franchise inside the White House. [RIGHT- Album cover for Obama's critically acclaimed followup to "The Audicity of Hope," "Black iz Bu-T-Ful," produced by Timaland.]
Obama’s image repackaging project started when he hired a new team of speechwriters led by Don King and Chuck D. At an introductory press conference, the former boxing promoter and media mogul explained the endeavor. “Obama has already unequivocally proven himself to be a majestic and awe inspiring personage on the tapestry of the American mind, body, and soul. The inclusion of two magnificent wordsmiths with a truly inspiration gift for communicating with all Americans, black, or white, or red, or blue, brown or yellow will elevate the occasion to stupefying heights. We will speak to the people, but also by the people and for the people in the public eye and the public mind. Obama will not lead us into the valley of darkness but onto the mountaintop of the brightest shining beacon of light. His beneficence will appall the enemies of…” At that point, Mr. King was forcibly removed from the podium in what could only be described as a mercy killing.
The transition has not proceeded without its bumps in the road. Obama himself had to edit a speech written by Mr. D, pointing out to the rap mogul that a nation of millions actually could hold us back in Afghanistan. Additionally, Obama reserved the power to veto Mr. D’s appointment of Flava Flav as the official White House hype man when Mr. Flav repeatedly interrupted Obama’s healthcare speech with screams of “Bloop boop, oop boop oop! Yea Boyeee!”
Obama’s new style was on display when he talked to reporters about the economy, particularly when he referred to the bank crisis as “neo-plantationistic” and called his own fed chief Ben Bernanke the “white devil.” In the past, Obama had faced criticism for shying away from discussions of race. Then, after Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates was arrested in what many called an act of unwarranted racial profiling, Obama’s condemnation caused a firestorm in the media. Now, Obama vows that his stance on race will never be ambiguous, and that “the man” is going to have to learn to cope with his fear of a black planet.
Other rumored appointments to the new-look administration include Press Secretary Katt Williams, drug czar Marion Berry, Secretary of the Interior George Clinton, and Secretary of Defense Richard Roundtree. Joe Biden will remain in his post as Vice-President.
Obama’s image repackaging project started when he hired a new team of speechwriters led by Don King and Chuck D. At an introductory press conference, the former boxing promoter and media mogul explained the endeavor. “Obama has already unequivocally proven himself to be a majestic and awe inspiring personage on the tapestry of the American mind, body, and soul. The inclusion of two magnificent wordsmiths with a truly inspiration gift for communicating with all Americans, black, or white, or red, or blue, brown or yellow will elevate the occasion to stupefying heights. We will speak to the people, but also by the people and for the people in the public eye and the public mind. Obama will not lead us into the valley of darkness but onto the mountaintop of the brightest shining beacon of light. His beneficence will appall the enemies of…” At that point, Mr. King was forcibly removed from the podium in what could only be described as a mercy killing.
The transition has not proceeded without its bumps in the road. Obama himself had to edit a speech written by Mr. D, pointing out to the rap mogul that a nation of millions actually could hold us back in Afghanistan. Additionally, Obama reserved the power to veto Mr. D’s appointment of Flava Flav as the official White House hype man when Mr. Flav repeatedly interrupted Obama’s healthcare speech with screams of “Bloop boop, oop boop oop! Yea Boyeee!”
Obama’s new style was on display when he talked to reporters about the economy, particularly when he referred to the bank crisis as “neo-plantationistic” and called his own fed chief Ben Bernanke the “white devil.” In the past, Obama had faced criticism for shying away from discussions of race. Then, after Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates was arrested in what many called an act of unwarranted racial profiling, Obama’s condemnation caused a firestorm in the media. Now, Obama vows that his stance on race will never be ambiguous, and that “the man” is going to have to learn to cope with his fear of a black planet.
Other rumored appointments to the new-look administration include Press Secretary Katt Williams, drug czar Marion Berry, Secretary of the Interior George Clinton, and Secretary of Defense Richard Roundtree. Joe Biden will remain in his post as Vice-President.
Feet don't fail him now
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