RSVP to the Billy Mays Mighty Memorial Service and receive a free casket viewing!

By Billy Mays III

PO BOX 98442- Tired of going to funerals and memorial services and leaving more depressed than you were before? Fed up with the same old chorus of “Eagle’s Wings” and sermons about walking in Jesus’ footsteps? Well, have I got an offer for you! For a limited time only, RSVP to the Billy Mays Mighty Memorial Service and receive a free casket viewing! Call now, 1-888-BMDEATH; our operators are standing by!

You remember Billy as the charismatic pitchman for OxiClean, Gator Blade, Jupiter Jack, and dozens of other household necessities. And even though he recently passed away after suffering a massive heart attack, Billy has one more deal to pass your way, and you won’t want to miss out on this one!

Unlike other funerals that can be boring and drab, the Billy Mays Mighty Memorial Service promises to:

• Help with the grieving process!

• Reminisce on the reasons we all loved Billy!

• Get in touch with old friends and relatives!

• And, most of all- pay your last respects to a man who made life much easier.

Now, you might be thinking that you could attend any funeral and get the same experience, but the Billy Mays Might Memorial Service is much more than just a funeral. Included in the service will be a performance of Billy’s favorite gospel music by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and a sermon from the Reverend Al Sharpton- that’s right, Al Sharpton!

How much would you be willing to pay for this once in a lifetime opportunity- $400? $250? Not even close. RSVP today and your seat at the Billy Mays Mighty Memorial Service can be reserved for three easy suggested donations of $39.95 to the Malone Funeral Home in McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania to help the family pay the costs of the funeral. All major credit cards accepted. Make checks payable to Malone Funeral Home, LLC. Casseroles will be accepted at the potluck following the service. Shipping and handling not included.

Call now and we will throw in this commemorative Billy Mays engraved plate. These plates are hand-crafted out of the finest porcelain and individually numbered to ensure fine craftsmanship. Your plate will include a certificate of authenticity. The plate depicts Billy amped up higher than a meth addict who just got tasered, getting ready to sell a Steam Buddy- a can’t miss opportunity for Billy’s friends and family! Take advantage of this limited time offer today by calling, toll free, 1-888-BMDEATH to reserve your place today, and get a free Billy Mays commemorative engraved plate!

And that’s not all! Be one of the first 1,000 guests to RSVP to the Billy Mays Mighty Memorial Service and we will include a second Billy Mays Mighty Memorial Service free of charge! Have we gone mad out of grief? We must have to be offering two Billy Mays Mighty Memorial Services, an individual casket viewing, and a Billy Mays commemorative engraved plate for the low-low one time only price of three easy suggested donations of $39.95 and/or a casserole for the potluck. Call now! Operators are standing by at 1-888-BMDEATH!

When you RSVP to the Billy Mays Mighty Memorial Service, you’re not only doing something special for yourself and for the Mays family, you’re improving the entire direct-sales industry. That’s right, 20% of the profits from your purchase of a spot at the Billy Mays Mighty Memorial Service will go toward hiring the hooker who beat up the ShamWow guy to kick his ass again. You can be a part of history, folks, Vince Shlomi, ShamWow pitchman is about to get his ass whooped by a prostitute from Miami for a second time- and you can be part of it! 1-888-BMDEATH- your call can help get Vince Shlomi beat up! Call now!

[Narrator’s voice: To RSVP to the Billy Mays Mighty Memorial Service, call 1-888-BMDEATH to receive 2 Billy Mays Mighty Memorial Services, an individual casket viewing, and a Billy Mays commemorative engraved plate for three easy suggested donations of only $39.95. That’s 1-888-BMDEATH. Operators are standing by!]

Uighur violence brings abrupt end to confused teen’s identity crisis

By James Broadhorse

KENOSHA- The Uighur riots in China’s Xinjiant province that left 140 dead and many other injured have had a ripple effect on the West. Local teenager Nick McDonald, 16, was taken aback by the Chinese government’s inhumane treatment of the Uighur population, and the crisis has made him reevaluate his own lifestyle.

“I’ve heard people make fun of wiggars before, but I didn’t realize it could get so violent,” McDonald said. “I used to tell people that I was just expressing myself, but if people in China are getting killed for being wiggars, then I can express myself in a different way.”

McDonald expressed surprise that there was a substantial white population in that part of China, let alone a black population for them to emulate. “It just made me realize that you have to be who you really are, naw I’m sayin? Excuse me; do you know what I’m saying?”

McDonald’s friends and family in his home town of Kenosha, Wisconsin were confused at his sudden change of heart at first before quickly realizing the homophonic misunderstanding. Still, everyone from McDonald’s mother to his best friends independently chose not to tell him about the difference between Uighurs- a predominantly Islamic ethnic group in Western China- and wiggars- over-privileged white kids in middle America who appropriate the black culture pushed on them by MTV.

Despite frequent references to his gat, and “capping bitches,” McDonald insists that he is not a violent person. “I know I ran my mouth a lot, talking about how tough I was, but I want everybody to know that I never really hurt anyone,” he pleaded. “My tattooed tears were just drawn on with a Sharpie, and that time I stole a 40 from the liquor store and poured it out on the street, that was just for show, I didn’t really have any dead homies.”

When asked about the incident, McDonald’s friend Shaun Kalder confirmed the situation. “Yeah, no shit Nick didn’t have any dead homies. If he was really so tough, then why did he make me steal the beer from the store?” Kalder went on to recount several instances in which McDonald pretended to be taking phone calls from “his bitches,” only to have his phone history later reveal that they were calls from his grand-parents.

Chinese President Hu Jintao had a different take on the situation. “Stupid white boy no understand no Engrish,” Jintao told the Western media at a press conference. “He think he a brack rapper, but there no bracks in China. We destroy them all a rong time ago. Just kidding United Nations guy! Ohhhh, me so funny!”

Despite the end of the violence in Xinjiang, McDonald plans to lay low for the next few weeks. He has traded in his throwback jerseys and do-rags for baseball caps and t-shirts with sayings such as, “Your Mom” on them. Nonetheless, he says he is going to steer clear of the 7-11 on Piedmont Street for a while, because he doesn’t want the Chinese immigrants who own it to get the wrong idea.

“I already know that Mr. Chang hates me, probably because I’m always stealing licorice from his store,” McDonald said, “but I don’t need to get involved in any of that ethnic cleansing business. I’m already ethnically clean. I mean, look how pale my skin is. I don’t think I even have ethnicity.”

Kate Gosselin seeks new ways to exploit children

By Larissa Huffnaggle

NEW YORK- Kate Gosselin, star of TLC’s smash hit "Jon and Kate Plus 8" and mother of sextuplets, says she is taking advantage of the show’s break from filming by doing what she does best: dreaming up new ways to take advantage of her family for personal fame and fortune.

Gosselin, fresh off of the separation from her estranged husband and the extension of her popular reality show, has rededicated herself to finding "new and exciting" ways to use her children to promote herself while scarring the children permanently and preventing any hope of a normal adult life. Gosselin has pitched ideas to TV executives ranging from putting all eight children in a touring "Jon and Kate Plus 8 On Ice" show to opening a restaurant in Times Square fully staffed and operated by her children. Network executives declined to elaborate on Gosselin’s other promotional ideas, and would only characterize them as, "so appalling that even the Chinese gymnastics coaches would turn away in disgust."

Meanwhile, Gosselin has also sought to expand her notoriety through enhanced self-promotion. She recently signed on with Estee Lauder to create her own fragrance, tentatively named "Fertility," and she remains in negotiations with Wal-Mart for a line of maternity clothing- starting at size XXXXXL- specifically designed for mothers of multiples. Look for her on networks other than TLC, as well, as the star of a new commercial for Dr. Lewis Joseph, the noted vaginal reconstruction surgeon.

Still, Gosselin said her marital difficulties were very hard on her. "Every week, I had to find new and different ways to torture Jon in order to keep the show fresh," Gosselin told reporters. "Every time I saw a potential shred of gratification or happiness, I had to destroy it, but keeping my focus on getting famous at any cost made it easy to quash any feelings of empathy." Gosselin added that the situation ended for the best, as the conflict she created gave her more notoriety than she ever could have imagined.

In her career, Gosselin cited Janice Dickinson and the Real World’s Trachelle as role models, and said her problems her Jon gave her a new reality TV philosophy, "I’ll take this experience as a lesson: the American people love conflict and discord, so I will remain as bitchy as possible to keep myself in the limelight."

Now, Gosselin says that it’s time to move on and try new things. In the near future, she has set the goal of getting her whiny oldest daughter on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars" to remind everyone of how grating her attitude can be. As for her personal life, Gosselin was recently spotted by photographers cavorting with New York Yankees’ star Alex Rodriguez at New York hotspot Flow. Partygoers said the two looked like they were having a great, contrived time together.

What’s next for this loathsome example of the word excesses of America’s voyeuristic instincts? Gosselin says she may try to adopt an African orphan to get the publicity and the inevitable US Weekly cover that goes along with the process, and she has not ruled out the possibility of an experimental embryonic manipulation procedure that would impregnate her with a pair of conjoined twins.

You’re missing the point; we don’t want poor people to have health insurance

By A rich guy

The debate about health care reform goes all the way back to the Truman Administration, and Barack Obama has recently received praise for bridging the gap between liberals and conservatives through the introduction of a plan that would put the government into the health insurance industry as a competitor with private insurers that often operate as local monopolies. The problem with Obama’s so-called “compromise” is that it misses the point- opponents of universal health care do not really care about the distinctions between a single-payer system and a government-participant system; we just don’t want poor people to have access to health care. Think about it: if poor people have health insurance, they will live longer and put more of a drain on the system that I support.

What’s worse is that the health care system would have to support even more people than it already does. I went to the emergency room with a sprained ankle and had to wait amidst that sea of humanity for almost three hours before I could get in for an x-ray with the overworked ER nurse. In just that amount of time, two people came in with gunshot wounds and got to go to the front of the line. How is that fair? Would I get to go to the front of the line at a restaurant if I came in with a gunshot wound? I put in my time, and they cut in ahead of me because they are stupid enough to get shot. Imagine the indignity of waiting in line behind a poor person with a serious injury? That scenario alone should give pause to anyone considering universal health care a legitimate option.

It’s simple math, rich people are worth more to the world than poor people, so giving them the same health care options flies in the face of the American ideal. I make a six-figure salary every year, I pay my taxes, and I contribute to society. Poor people watch stock car racing and hunt. They don’t add anything to society; they just use the services that I pay for. I’m productive, damnit, I shouldn’t be subjected to funding any more welfare programs.

New studies by the Congressional Budget Office say that extending health care would offer universal coverage for a 4% cost increase over the next decade. I say that’s 4% too much to spend on the poor. It should go to more sub-prime mortgages for me to buy up and insurance on my yacht.

[LEFT- Poor people dreaming up new ways to hurt themselves and make me pay for it.]

I don’t care if it’s a single payer system, a public-private competition, or just an expansion of Medicare and Medicaid. As soon as I hear the words “universal healthcare,” I can’t help but thinking about 80-year old trailer trash grilling up chicken fingers, cluttering the newspaper’s editorial pages with letters to the editor whining about leash laws for their Dobermans, and wasting my FICA Social Security contribution on Busch Light and camouflage pants. Obama says he wants this waste-of-space to have access to the life-saving chemotherapy procedures he needs to cure his chaw-induced throat cancer. I say: why?

The New York Times recently described a health cooperative outside of Seattle as a model for the 21st century style of health care institution. I swear on my mother’s grave that I would rather die than have some tie-dyed burnout telling me to do acupuncture for my kidney stones and prescribing medicinal marijuana for my wife’s postpartum depression.

I remember years ago when my doctor would make house calls; those were the days. Back then, you never had to wait in line to see a doctor, and you never had to worry about poor people jumping in front of you because they started a firefight in the alley behind a bombed-out row house. Indeed, we’re all better off with the current system, at least those of us who matter.